DH doesn't enjoy/get satisfaction out of any household tasks

[FearTheFearless]

This has become a huge issue for us, and we're at sad stalemate.

DH is a very good man, a lovely dad, and I love him very much.

The problem is that all the household tasks he does (apart from cooking) he does to keep me happy. He actually sees no point in having a clean bathroom, any particular "system" for anything, a mown lawn, tidy kitchen, etc. Basically, left to his own devices, he'd tolerate a lot more mess and dirt than I find acceptable. And my standards are really not high.

I work full time, and have much greater earning potential, so he is home much more. But it's become clear it makes him really miserable. He sees it all as pointless and clearly resents me for wanting this stuff done. He even resents me for doing jobs, when I could be sitting around with him. The thing that really makes him happy is having no demands on him. He's not lazy, exactly. He reads difficult books constantly, and he's very physically fit and active. He also does do much more around the house than most men. But he hates every minute of it.

I don't know what to do.

Bloody hell he sounds wearing and boring...woe is me boo hoo

I have to keep the house tidy and I don't like it, I'm far too intelligent to do stuff beneath me.

Yea suck it up buttercup, welcome to the real world...

walks off muttering

@Greenkit 😂

Sounds like he's not getting much enjoyment out of the rest of his life if he isn't happy to get on with basic life stuff.

Not many enjoy housework, and yes, we all have different standards. I don't see dust/dirt but do see mess and seem to be constantly tidying. My GF is the exact opposite. It sometimes can frustrate each other. Still, we except it needs to be done, but it's not a source of unhappiness, it's just required.

Oh no! The poor lamb🙁 I absolutely adore doing laundry, I’m never happier than when I’m scrubbing shite off the toilet...

If he doesn't "enjoy" being at home and doing the housework/childcare duties, he can get a full time job and then you'll have enough family money spare to employ a nanny/housekeeper.

He won't have a day off to play squash, but he won't have to clean the bathroom either.

@BeKindOrBeQuiet

Gets my goat

Why do you have to do anything?

Most people don't like housework. A few do. So many housewives in the past were really depressed by their lives. It's often not a fulfilling existence.

Presumably he doesn't have to be at home? He could work more? Or as a family you could have less income and outsource the cleaning? It isn't your problem to solve by yourself.

Or is the actual issue that he is childishly resenting you and blaming you for his situation?

I agree with all the others. He needs to grow up. I loathe housework, and I'm not particularly good at it. Neither do I want to live in a shithole.

He needs to grow up. My ex was a bit like this; if you asked him to wash up he would look sulky and say I don't like washing up.

I don't like washing up either. Life is full of doing the jobs that need doing - not just the jobs you love to do. It's ridiculous for a grown adult to be miserable and resentful over the daily grind. It actually sounds as though he has a very easy ride in life.

I am literally lying in bed MNing and hoping DH will make me a cup of tea rather than doing the cleaning so I know the feeling.

OP it might be helpful to think of what you want to change. If your goal is to stop him moaning about every little job he has to do, then just stop listening. Smile and wave, as our dear queen would say, and ignore his wah-wah-woe-is-me chat.

If you want him to be happy about chores - that's never going to happen.

If you want to relieve him of this hideous load that life places on him - get a cleaner or do everything yourself (I don't recommend that you do everything yourself though).

We have a cleaner (in normal times) because we both hate cleaning. But equally we're both adults and know that things just have to be done!

I just don’t see a problem. He doesn’t enjoy house work but completes it anyway. You could always find something new to worry about.

The fact he does much more than most men is no defence. Him working more, earning more and this funding a cleaner would seem one way forward.

Housework is not meant to be interesting!

He is being unreasonable, no adult can live without responsibility, he just has to suck it up like everyone else.

If he is down he should see his GP, but he can't just stop being an adult because he's unhappy. I've been there, keeping a routine is important.

Both DH and I hate cleaning.

We both used to work full time. I now do occasional consultancy work.

We both still hate cleaning.

So we've always had a cleaner. We've employed her for the last 18 years. Even now that I don't work. I appreciate that we are in a very fortunate position to be able to do this.

Cleaning makes me really grumpy and miserable.

So I don't do it! I sweep and mop the floors in between visits by the cleaner, and chuck bleach down the loos a couple of times a week.

It works for us.

@Greenkit was the walks off muttering that got me. I'm borrowing that one

I had a cleaner when I had anaemia for a while- I'm not earning due to disability but prioritized it. Say he hires one for 3 hours once a week, I've been a cleaner and most of us work for what was minimum wage, now called the 'living wage,' it doesn't mean our standard of work is any less.

So he could hire a cleaner for £26.16- maybe round it up to £30 for convenience.

If he dislikes housework this much then it's worth him doing it, and would go a little way towards solving the problem of him annoying you and moaning.

Ask him to suggest some ways of compromising on the issue. If he says 'You do all the housework, and I'll go down the pub', poke him in the eye with a broom, then leave him.

If he suggests a viable compromise, like, both find the tasks you hate least, and share them out evenly, then accept.

There's no rule that says a house must be pristine. People are allowed to be messy and neglect housework. This is just a difference in your preferences. If you can't find a compromise on something so basic, your relationship is dangerously imbalanced and will lead to unhappiness for you both. It sounds like you're starting to get there already.

Whoever is at home more should be shouldering more of the burden (not all!) Of the household tasks.

You work full time, do household tasks and he works part time, whines and means.

Why are your relationship standards so low?

He could work full time and earn enough to pay a cleaner. Problem solved.

Doesn't everyone hate household tasks? I have boundless energy for stuff that interests me but if I lived alone would definitely live in a hovel.

I hate, loathe and despise housework.

For those of you

I hate household tasks. They’re boring. Life will hold demands unless you’re completely spoilt and you only focus on what you want to do. But that’s life. I have three kids, two with complex special needs and I work PT. My husband works FT and does bits in the house but not loads. Yes our house could be cleaner but we do what needs to be done. Your husband sounds like a whiner. He’s at home, so he has to pull his weight.

I'm feeling sorry for your OH here. From what you've said it's not that he's unwilling to do anything at all. Rather the issue is that you have much higher standards than him. So he's doing extra work really entirely for your benefit as he doesn't care if the house is spotless or even any more than 'probably won't kills us' clean. I wonder if you need to make it a specific chore set for a specific set number of hours a week so that he can then resign himself to having to do some things but so that it doesn't feel like he's constantly trying to make things good enough for you? I don't think it's lazy to have different standards to you but equally you can't just be expected to live how he'd live. Sounds like a challenge to find the right compromise for both of you.

He could work full time and earn enough to pay a cleaner.

He wouldn't even have to work any different hours. I had a cleaner once a week when I'm not earning and am on a low income. A lot of people with disabilities do, for instance. It can be done if someone prioritizes it. My mum had a cleaner when the household income wasn't massively high- she just found housework too much on top of work. I don't know if this meant my dad wasn't doing much- probably I suppose. He wasn't working at the time.

Thank you all for posting.

I'm reading and digesting it all.

For those asking, my standards are not high. I find cleaning and tidying difficult (as does he). The difference is, I don't resent doing it as I enjoy the results. He doesn't.

For those asking why I'm "making a problem" out of this... have you ever tried living with someone who's sad and resentful? If not, I wouldn't wish it on you.