DH doesn't enjoy/get satisfaction out of any household tasks

[FearTheFearless]

This has become a huge issue for us, and we're at sad stalemate.

DH is a very good man, a lovely dad, and I love him very much.

The problem is that all the household tasks he does (apart from cooking) he does to keep me happy. He actually sees no point in having a clean bathroom, any particular "system" for anything, a mown lawn, tidy kitchen, etc. Basically, left to his own devices, he'd tolerate a lot more mess and dirt than I find acceptable. And my standards are really not high.

I work full time, and have much greater earning potential, so he is home much more. But it's become clear it makes him really miserable. He sees it all as pointless and clearly resents me for wanting this stuff done. He even resents me for doing jobs, when I could be sitting around with him. The thing that really makes him happy is having no demands on him. He's not lazy, exactly. He reads difficult books constantly, and he's very physically fit and active. He also does do much more around the house than most men. But he hates every minute of it.

I don't know what to do.

Show me anyone who says they love the day to day grind of cleaning/having kids or other family mess it up again/cleaning/having other family mess it up....and I will show you a liar.

NOBODY likes doing it. We do it because we don't want dysentary/a house full of flies/the smell to disturb the neighbours.

Why does The Special One think that him not liking cleaning is anything noteworthy? Why does he think sulking and being miserable is the correct response to having to clean the toilet? A toilet which he, presumably uses?

I know people can have different standards, but even the most slatternly among us realise that when the smell of the toilet reaches around the house, cleaning needs to be done. What was his upbringing like? Was he made to clean and tidy as a child?

Not many people enjoy household tasks but it's part of being a grown up. He sounds lazy and pathetic.

When do you get your full day off a week and evenings at the pub?

From what you've said it's not that he's unwilling to do anything at all.

@randolph78 I think OP's saying he's moaning about doing any/most of it.

Poor thing
Probably thinks life should be an endless series of fun things to do without anything difficult or annoying. I would find this deeply unattractive

For those asking why I'm "making a problem" out of this... have you ever tried living with someone who's sad and resentful? If not, I wouldn't wish it on you.

Sounds like he’s trying to make you feel guilty so you’ll do it all.

Another one that despises household tasks here, but I do it because I hate living in mess more.

Sometimes I get very resentful and low about doing it too, and it does feel like a never ending task because as soon as it's done there is always something fucking else to do. I can relate to him a bit. But it's tough shit really isn't it...has to be done 🤷‍♀️

Guess what, neither do l. Tough so far today l have dusted throughout, hoovered throughout, done a loaf of washing, made brunch etc etc.
That’s just being grown up. I suggest he works more hours and pays for the 50% share of house stuff he doesn’t want to do. There is a vibe that you need to do it all -earn the money, organise the house, do cleaning etc. What is he bringing to the table?

@Shouldbedoing exactly

I hate household tasks and actively avoid them. I hate being part time because I feel I should do housework on my days off. I resent it for that reason.

Our house is a bit of a shit hole, especially with lockdown and everyone being here all the time. My mum would be disgusted by the state of our bathroom, but I just can't motivate myself to do it.

I suspect I have ADHD as a pp. If I like something I am hyper focused. Otherwise I can avoid it forever.

I also get annoyed with dh's constant need to be doing stuff, jobs, DIY, gardening. I'd happily spend the weekend doing basically nothing.

@FearTheFearless

Will it be possible to agree what "really" needs to be done [and how] rather than just saying - for example - tidy up?

So, you’re the main earlier and doing more of the mental load. Sounds like he has more leisure time than you do.

In what ways is he showing you he’s ‘sad’ and ‘resentful’? Being moody?

What does HE want to do to about his thoughts/ feelings?

Sounds like you’re prioritising his feelings.

Claiming not to notice/care about hygiene / cleanliness standards is a classic passive/aggressive avoidance tactic.

What is he resentful about? Presumably he chose to be a husband and father so he knew he would have to do household chores to keep a home liveable for a family.

What housework is he actually doing per week vs what he thinks he should be doing?
And what are you doing?

The difference is, I don't resent doing it as I enjoy the results. He doesn't.

That's sort of me and dh in reverse. He sees cleaning as a necessary evil, it brings out my inner 5 year old. Things that have helped include doing it first thing in the morning/last thing at night. Doing one main thing each day, I.e the hoovering gets done on a Friday (obviously it gets done on other days if needed) and not leaving things to mount up, lunch plates need to straight to the dish washer once we're done for example.

What is HIS solution? Work more, pay a cleaner? You should just do it all?

Get a cleaner and see if his mood lifts if it doesn't than there's more to it than just housework which is as dull as fuck

Sorry managed to post too soon.
I should be cleaning now, but instead I've opted for being here on Mumsnet, because it is far more interesting.

I hate, loathe and despise housework, I have to be beaten to it with a large spiky stick. I find it so unutterably boring and, frankly having my favourite band in the kitchen wouldn't make any difference. I can't even get satisfaction from seeing it all done.

A colleague once said that she enjoyed it and even drooled slightly at the thought of it and couldn't go to bed if there was so much as a dirty cup in the house - I thought she was unhinged. I'll admit that I could do with more of her attitude, but it just seems so unimportant to have a perfect house.

I do like housework. It’s mindless but you still get a sense of accomplishment when done. My job is so complex and stressful that I find it mentally relaxing and zen to sweep a floor or dust a room or tend to my garden.

Of course, most people hate housework. But it is essential and has to be done.

My thoughts OP is that your DH may be a bit depressed. Men are conditioned to want a high flying career and be respected in their field of expertise. If a man is working part time and part time house husband, he will feel very much like his life is an endless round of drudgery. That he is going nowhere. The housework is a symptom of a more general dissatisfaction with his life. Mid-life crisis stuff.

So, as some PPs say, a solution could be he work full time and you jointly pay a cleaner. However, if it’s midlife crisis/ depression, working more hours at a dead end job won’t help his mental state. He needs to sit with you and think of a goal and then be working towards it. It might mean a career change, a bit of training, etc.

If it’s not midlife crisis/depression, then I agree with PPs that he may actually be lazy and want to be a kept man. Supported by his high earning wife (you) who keeps him in lap of luxury and all he has to do is schedule in various recreational and social activities along with some man shopping (say he picks up an expensive hobby). In which case, you would be better off on your own without a man child to support.

I also loathe housework with a deep and abiding resentment.
How would he feel about increasing his working hours to pay for a cleaner? So he spends the time he hates cleaning at work instead.. although it would only work if he enjoys his job.

OP are you trying to tell us that he's depressed or passive aggressive or just a plain moaning mini? Have you tried ignoring him?! He just sounds like an attention seeker to me, who is looking for your approval since he's a man who does housework - he thinks he's some kind of hero I'll bet. Does he feel resentful at the fact you earn more than he?

Practically, I would split the work so you each have your own jobs.
Make sure he has the ones that absolutely have to be done and are either done or not done - not things that can be left or done to a differing standard.
E.g. he does all laundry, food shopping and cooking, bins.
You will clear up after he’s cooked dinner and have a quick tidy up/get children to tidy up at the end of the day.

Hire a cleaner once (or even twice!) a week to do cleaning of bathrooms/kitchen, mopping floors, hoovering.

Hire someone to mow the lawn.

Your DH might need to work more or drink less so you can afford to outsource.

is it not enough to get shit done. You have to actually like it too?

Why is he so resentful?

So which bit of adulting is he ok with?. I mean living with a woman who sorts everything out while you go off on your merry way meeting friends and playing sports is the kind of existence children enjoy.

He’s sounding a bit of a dead weight.

He IS lazy, actually. If he's that clever, he has worked out it needs doing. He possibly has an image, deeply hidden, that he was made for loftier things.

I suggest he should get a job, or more more if he works at all, and use the outcome to pay for a cleaner to run round after him.

Also the resentment is not healthy.

As long as he does it I can't we that it matters.

I hate it all but I do it.