DH doesn't enjoy/get satisfaction out of any household tasks

[FearTheFearless]

This has become a huge issue for us, and we're at sad stalemate.

DH is a very good man, a lovely dad, and I love him very much.

The problem is that all the household tasks he does (apart from cooking) he does to keep me happy. He actually sees no point in having a clean bathroom, any particular "system" for anything, a mown lawn, tidy kitchen, etc. Basically, left to his own devices, he'd tolerate a lot more mess and dirt than I find acceptable. And my standards are really not high.

I work full time, and have much greater earning potential, so he is home much more. But it's become clear it makes him really miserable. He sees it all as pointless and clearly resents me for wanting this stuff done. He even resents me for doing jobs, when I could be sitting around with him. The thing that really makes him happy is having no demands on him. He's not lazy, exactly. He reads difficult books constantly, and he's very physically fit and active. He also does do much more around the house than most men. But he hates every minute of it.

I don't know what to do.

Sorry, you said he works part time. Honestly, he's lazy. He just prefers having fun to undertaking housework-as do we all-and doesn't organise his time well.

You need to read this book, then LTB.

www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This article might make your partner think.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS9zZWFyY2g_cT1teSt3b2ZlK2xlZnQrbWUrd2FzaGluZyt1cCZpZT11dGYtOCZvZT11dGYtOCZjbGllbnQ9ZmlyZWZveC1iLW0&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAHYKOGbDohdZtQ4z1Bbuzoix7mCU1AWwJUbd0YbAFTGbiNAYxzq735cDV_p1ByoFdjvoUV9b3O91OjFdBHIRpLy1gNA_iDQNL65lhCiIMhVXSKKQtw8v_7qNC3fkke5st1nZvw4zzKu5TMqKpBmYyz3DxtmFR0VLB7QEq9i13qCx

He sounds like me!

I loathe housework, it's thankless and boring and the benefit is only enjoyed until family life resumes.

I also feel that there are too many demands on top of the feed me, clothe me, love me basics. I think that is partly why lockdown has been a positive experience for me, I actually got to spend time with my family rather than just fulfilling the roles of cook, cleaner, driver, pa, laundress and kids entertainment.

Most normal people do not find singular satisfaction in scrubbing out the bath or vacuuming, but they do it regardless, or hire someone else to. I’m confused as to why you’re focusing on the fact that he doesn’t enjoy household gruntwork? If he does it competently, what’s the issue with the fact that he’s not zooming around grinning like the Shake ‘n Vac ad?

I'd call his bluff OP and point out that he's a big boy now and while he can still go out and play with his friends in the week, he has duties and responsibilities as an adult, as a husband and and as a father. Shirking those responsibilities is grounds for divorce. Unreasonable behaviour I believe is the term the lawyers use.
That should sort him and his pathetic whinging out.
He has the life of Riley with you and he definitely won't want to jeopardise it. He's pushing your boundaries because he thinks you'll give in.

This is weird.
Can you (as a household) afford a cleaner?
Obviously there will still be other household chores to do, but it would help a bit.
The thing is, I don't enjoy housework either, but I'm certainly not resentful about having to do it or about my DH taking time to do it. I recognise that it has to be done because, like most people, I like my house to reasonably clean and tidy.
It's worrying that he works part-time, has plenty of time to himself, and is still "sad and resentful".
Does he have mental health issues or is he just lazy?

Get Audible, put in EarPods and listen to a really hard book whilst doing chores.

Just get a cleaner?

Before I moved in with my husband I told him I would never live with someone again without having a cleaner for this very reason.

I should add that’s because I feel exactly the same as your husband.

Yeah well most of us do hate all this 'adulting' stuff, and sometimes they weigh us down. Such is being a grown up and having children. Tell him to hire a cleaner from some miraculous money (guessing pt work doesn't actually bring in that much money), so you can both spend your day playing in the sun 😂. God what a ridiculous man child.

To add, I'm very resentful about housework. And every bit of money we have to spend on maintaining the house and car. I quite often feel like I hate being a grown up as it is just a constant string of responsibilities and things you have to do.

I don't love dirt and mess, but I tolerate it because the alternative is too dull.

A cleaner won't do the day-to-day chores including cooking, washing up or loading and unloading dishwasher, laundry, and doing basic tidying. You can't leave everything until the cleaner comes - you would have to hire a housekeeper to work every day!

How about looking at it from a time point of view?

He has two evenings and a day when he can do whatever he likes. Do you?

Could you drop your hours at all?

Maybe you can both spend time working on household things together, then you can both go to work, and both have fun time.

Maybe he can up his work hours in order to pay a cleaner.

What he can't do is make you feel bad because he doesn't like being an adult.

@SandieCheeks

If he doesn't "enjoy" being at home and doing the housework/childcare duties, he can get a full time job and then you'll have enough family money spare to employ a nanny/housekeeper.

He won't have a day off to play squash, but he won't have to clean the bathroom either.

This

I think this is hard to call. What if you do have unreasonably high standards? In that case it wouldn't be fair to ask another to have to help you. If he has unreasonably low standards then it's not fair to ask you to live in that state. Can you draw a line in the middle and agree on that? Maybe things get done monthly instead of weekly? Or as a pp said, get a cleaner?

@FearTheFearless

I've realised that the difference between us is that I'm motivated to have a nice environment. He doesn't give a damn.

I should also clarify that I don't at all expect him to do everything. I am constantly doing household tasks, too.

You could've been describing me in your first post. I loathe housework, and have a much higher tolerance for less than DH. He, like you, is "constantly doing household tasks", and I hate it. He's incapable of relaxing, and having him bustling around me makes it impossible for me to do so either.

So we've compromised - every weekend we clean the bathrooms, dust, Hoover and mop. We do this first thing Saturday morning because once it's done he stands a better chance of relaxing, and therefore so do I. About once every 4-6 weeks we do a really thorough clean, and twice a year we do a deep clean. In between these times, if he sees something unclean and it's bothering him, he's welcome to clean it - but he has just quietly get on and do it, not make passive-aggressive remarks about the windows (or whatever) really need a clean, in the hope that I'll leap up and do it - because it's not going to happen!

Can't he increase his hours at work/find a second job, and you share the domestic load between you? Or get a cleaner?

A life of household drudgery sounds miserable to me. Obviously, certain jobs have to be done, but they're not particularly rewarding. It sounds like he needs something more positive to focus on.

I don’t get the “resentful” thing. Who/what is he resentful of? Dustmites? Surely nobody would chose to do housework if it could be done by magic. People don’t get satisfaction from having clean clothes, but they do have clean clothes. Nobody gets to skip through life not doing ordinary self care and life admin. Even if you outsource it you still have to organise and pay for it, which he could do if he could be arsed.

Yeah, me too, but no matter how much I hate them they still need doing. So either he does them or he works more hours and pays a cleaner.

I hate housework, I have no problem living somewhere untidy, a bit dusty etc. I didn’t bother cleaning my home until I became a parent (apart from kitchen surfaces for meal prep), when I became a parent I hired a cleaner who comes twice a week, she also does laundry. She also shouts at me if I’m too untidy when she arrives ☹️

But to be miserable about it is weird.

I hate housework (except for cooking and gardening). But it needs to be done. Whether he enjoys it or not!

What or who does he feel resentful of?

If seems like you work FT and still do your share... Whilst his behaviour seems to be adding to your mental workload. Which is NOT OK.

I utterly, utterly hate it. When I lived alone I did the absolute bare minimum (waves at NoMoreDickheads as I used to have disposable stuff, unless I had visitors as I had no dishwasher, I also ate out a LOT). It just doesn’t matter to me. Any cleaning products that made life easier I’d have (floor/counter wipes, fizzy toilet cleaner). I don’t mind doing laundry, as all you have to do is put clothes in a machine to wash, switch it on, then in another machine to dry.

I do no housework now, DH does it all (he is retired, I am FT) but he refuses to have a cleaner (not comfortable with a stranger in the house) which is fair enough but that’s his choice. I’d pay for a cleaner above anything else now if I found myself alone again. It’s just pointless, miserable drudgery and there’s enough of that already!

He thinks housework is for women and resents you because you are the woman that's forcing him to do it.

It's very unlikely he's aware of the above and what's making him resentful. I blame society.

Have you highlighted his behaviour to him and asked him to stop? Explain that the bathroom will always need cleaning no matter how much he complains so it's easier to just shut up and get on with it.

Do you think women love doing housework? Every one I know hates it and sees it as a necessary evil. Why doesn't he work longer hours, or get a better job and employ a cleaner.

I dislike all household tasks and cooking too (don't mind baking). But I love a clean and tidy house, clean clothes and bedding and eating with my family so as an adult I have to do stuff I don't like. As a parent, I have to do it for my children too.

"the thing that really makes him happy is having no demands on him"? Really. Well he shouldn't be a parent then. or a husband. Or even a grown up.