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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't enjoy/get satisfaction out of any household tasks

191 replies

FearTheFearless · 27/06/2020 13:22

This has become a huge issue for us, and we're at sad stalemate.

DH is a very good man, a lovely dad, and I love him very much.

The problem is that all the household tasks he does (apart from cooking) he does to keep me happy. He actually sees no point in having a clean bathroom, any particular "system" for anything, a mown lawn, tidy kitchen, etc. Basically, left to his own devices, he'd tolerate a lot more mess and dirt than I find acceptable. And my standards are really not high.

I work full time, and have much greater earning potential, so he is home much more. But it's become clear it makes him really miserable. He sees it all as pointless and clearly resents me for wanting this stuff done. He even resents me for doing jobs, when I could be sitting around with him. The thing that really makes him happy is having no demands on him. He's not lazy, exactly. He reads difficult books constantly, and he's very physically fit and active. He also does do much more around the house than most men. But he hates every minute of it.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
FearTheFearless · 28/06/2020 23:06

You've all given me a huge amount to think about - thank you so much. Will be replying in more detail tomorrow...
Thanks again, all.

OP posts:
monkeymonkey2010 · 29/06/2020 00:09

he sounds like me - except i live by myself Grin
if i chose to move in with someone then i'd do my share without the angst - what a horrible atmosphere to create for your partner and over essential household tasks.

i'd be careful that his attitude doesn't rub off on the kids....
sounds to me like he's enjoying you paying for him to work part time so he can have more free time to himself...and now he's trying to wear you down into doing his chores for him for the sake of 'peace'....don't fall for it.

If you split, do you think he'd use his part time work status as a way to get main residency of the kids and a bigger share of the assets?

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 29/06/2020 07:33

Newsflash: most of us dont like doing housework. He resents you for expecting him to do his.fair.share? If the tables were turned and you were at home as much as him, would you feel as he does?

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 29/06/2020 07:53

He's a SAHD, working part time & being made to keep the house to the. Op's standards, not his own.

No SAHM would be getting these replies.

boomboom1234 · 29/06/2020 07:56

Get a cleaner.

Arrivederla · 29/06/2020 18:40

@LatteLoverLovesLattes

He's a SAHD, working part time & being made to keep the house to the. Op's standards, not his own.

No SAHM would be getting these replies.

Stay at home mums are not usually whining and complaining about not "getting satisfaction" out of doing housework - they are just getting on with it!
ChrissyPlummer · 29/06/2020 21:19

Arrivederla But the OPs problem isn’t that he doesn’t do it, it’s that he does it but doesn’t like doing it and tells her so! So fucking what?! He is “getting on with it” even though he doesn’t want to. I’ve just spent a good five minutes thinking of what ‘systems’ the OP could be talking about. It’s housework FGS!

My DH is also one who can’t help but do what I see as pointless tasks at bizarre times. I’ll want to do a live Zoom class in the living room (only place suitable) and he’ll “just hoover quickly”. NO just fucking wait! Or, I’ll be on a late shift, for example, meaning I need to leave the house just after 12. I think it’s nice if we could have breakfast together, which is rare due to my shift patterns, then I’ll shower and get ready. I’ll get up and go down, see to the dog, start breakfast...for him to appear almost an hour later proudly proclaiming how he’s cleaned the sinks and the shower trap. Meaning our breakfast is ruined as I’ll have had to eat mine alone, so I still have time to get ready for work, the tea is stewed and I’ve had a wasted half hour. I would rather we’d sat and had a brew together, or got up at the same time, walked the dog and made a sausage buttie on our return.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 29/06/2020 21:59

No SAHM would be getting these replies I agree.

Stay at home mums are not usually whining and complaining about not "getting satisfaction" out of doing housework Erm yes they are! There are loads of posts about having to look after the kids and do the housework whilst their partners work. The replies are always "he should work full-time and do 50/50 house work and 50/50 childcare when he's home". Or "if he wants it cleaned to his standards he needs to clean it himself". She wouldn't be getting called a cuntlodger like he's been getting called a cocklodger.

Arrivederla · 29/06/2020 22:19

@WaterOffADucksCrack

No SAHM would be getting these replies I agree.

Stay at home mums are not usually whining and complaining about not "getting satisfaction" out of doing housework Erm yes they are! There are loads of posts about having to look after the kids and do the housework whilst their partners work. The replies are always "he should work full-time and do 50/50 house work and 50/50 childcare when he's home". Or "if he wants it cleaned to his standards he needs to clean it himself". She wouldn't be getting called a cuntlodger like he's been getting called a cocklodger.

I have been on these boards for about 10years and I have never heard a sahm complaining that she doesn't get satisfaction from household tasks and expecting someone to do something about that for her.

I have heard sahm mums complaining that their partner is a selfish git and doesn't do anything to help, but that is not what this thread is about.

Original poster
FearTheFearless · 30/06/2020 12:15

Thanks again to all for replying to this. It's given me a lot to think about.

I think there's something to be said for all the responses here.

Wish I could respond to everything individually, but can't.

Because it's just stood out to me, @WaterOffADucksCrack, you say No SAHM would be getting these replies and the replies are always "he should work full-time and do 50/50 house work and 50/50 childcare when he's home". I want to clarify that when I'm not working, I do absolutely do at least 50% of the tasks - surely that would be acceptable no matter what sex I am? But I am working more, so there are times when it's only DH who's able to do these things (school runs, cooking, etc).

The thing about this being to "my standards", not his, is interesting. My standards are lower than average. My friends and family would confirm this - I'm used to living with a fair bit of mess and dirt. But it's true that his tolerance of this is even higher, so you're right - it is my standards I'm working to. And so in that way, I'm the one putting the demands and pressure on.

There are also lots of other traditionally male tasks I take on, too - e.g., I do all the driving (he doesn't drive, and doesn't want to learn), and all the IT systems.

OP posts:
Original poster
FearTheFearless · 30/06/2020 12:18

Perhaps we've found ourselves in a situation where we're living in something like the reverse of traditional gender roles, and it's making him feel low (and so me too).

OP posts:
Original poster
FearTheFearless · 30/06/2020 12:25

I've been debating admitting this as it's a massive drip-feed and I'm embarrassed, but what he hell.... we do have a cleaner for an hour a week. So the basics (hoovering and cleaning the bathroom) are done. So the demands are childcare, cooking, shopping, laundry, general admin, organising and sorting (this is hard as we've just had work done on the house and are not very organised; I do most of it), garden.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 30/06/2020 12:38

Have your read the HuffPost article that was linked to above? He certainly should.

LightenUpSummer · 30/06/2020 12:49

we're living in something like the reverse of traditional gender roles, and it's making him feel low

This has to change, it's unsustainable. It's what finished off my marriage. Even cocklodgers don't like to feel un-masculine. Obviously it's a bed they make for themselves (unlike the literal beds, ho ho) but in my experience it leads to the end of the relationship - either before, or more likely after, they find another woman.

I'm not sure how it can be changed though if he doesn't want to.

LightenUpSummer · 30/06/2020 12:51

Just to clarify - it's the resentment they have that's the problem. A theoretical gender role reversal where both are happy wouldn't have that problem (I've never known this happen in real life but I suppose it's technically possible)

Limpid · 30/06/2020 13:02

This has to change, it's unsustainable. It's what finished off my marriage. Even cocklodgers don't like to feel un-masculine. Obviously it's a bed they make for themselves (unlike the literal beds, ho ho) but in my experience it leads to the end of the relationship - either before, or more likely after, they find another woman.

How interesting that household gruntwork and childcare are entirely normal when it's a woman doing them some women even feel 'blessed' and fortunate to be 'able to be at home' with their offspring but degrading and desexing when someone with a penis does them instead? Have we really not moved past the pink and blue jobs delusion?

I mean, I wouldn't be a SAHP in a fit, but then I'm not doing it and complaining about it. If I were in a position where I was a SAHM, I would be putting all my energy into getting a fulfilling job ASAP. And regardless of whether one or both adults in the household work FT or not, there's a certain amount of cleaning and cooking that needs doing.

Sushiroller · 30/06/2020 13:04

He sounds bit of a man baby.

Maybe Let him go full time and use the money to get help in?

Original poster
FearTheFearless · 30/06/2020 13:13

@BitOfFun - just read it. Interesting - thank you (to you and the original linker)...

@LightenUpSummer - I think you may be talking a lot of sense here.

And I agree with you, @Limpid, but think these things may be so ingrained that it's hard to work around.

OP posts:
Original poster
FearTheFearless · 30/06/2020 13:14

@Sushiroller - sadly that's not possible. I earn a good salary from a profession I trained in for years. His earning potential is much lower. And anyway, he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 30/06/2020 13:15

Fucking hell, you’ve even got a cleaner and he’s STILL not happy 😂 the long and short of it is he wants to ponce around doing hobbies and going to the pub and that’s about it. Maybe he’ll deign to do something every now and then to “help you out” around the house.
God that’s deeply unattractive.

Embracelife · 30/06/2020 13:22

An hour a,week is nothing. Make it four or an hour a day x 4 and they can do laundry ironing as well

AwakeNotWoke · 30/06/2020 13:32

Hmm I'm not sure. Your DH is getting a rough time.

Like many women in their 30s and 40s I work part time and do most of the kids and house stuff, and tbh I do moan about it a bit and sometimes resent DH. His quality of life is better being a FT worker in a high flying career, wearing a smart suit with people thanking him and buying him lunches, than mine is scraping up spilled yoghurt and washing gym kits. That's how we've organised our lives together to best suit our family and we both put up with the bad parts of it to make it work.

I do feel a bit unfulfilled and dissatisfied doing boring thankless grudge work every day to keep things ticking over, and sometimes I whine about that. If I was being told to stop whining, that I should just be getting on with it, should be grateful to DH, that I should be working full time and getting a housekeeper/nanny every day, that I was a vagina-lodger, I'd be pretty pissed off.

We have a cleaner every week to help me get a better work-life balance but I still find it hard. It is hard!

What does your cleaner do in one single hour btw? That seems like nowhere near enough time and I'm amazed they've agreed to that...

The only thing is your DH does get a lot of free time to himself - a day playing squash and 2 nights a week at the pub is quite a lot in my view.

SandieCheeks · 30/06/2020 13:38

Get him into work full time and use his salary to pay a nanny/housekeeper who will actually do a good job of the housework and childcare.

He can't say he doesn't want to work full time and doesn't want to do the housework.
He isn't a prince with a staff to wait on him.
Either he works part time, has lots of time to himself, and does with tasks that the cleaner doesn't do (kind of sounds like he's living the dream, doesn't it??)
Or he works full time, gives up all the free time, and pays someone else to do the household tasks he doesn't want to do.

I would tell him he needs to pick his preferred option and stop whinging to you about it.

SandieCheeks · 30/06/2020 13:41

@AwakeNotWoke if you're unfulfilled, dissatisfied and whining about life, why not make some changes? I would find it really hard to live with a whinger.

SuzieCarmichael · 30/06/2020 13:41

So what particular tasks does he object to most? Or is it just a general sense of family life being a never ending strong of ‘stuff’ that needs going? In the latter case perhaps he could be depressed?