Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Terrible row - advice please

164 replies

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 19:56

Absolutely gutted

We’ve been together 4 years . His ex wife has always been A bit of a problem between us as she is very much part of his extended family circle . He has put in boundaries to try and ease the situ ( ie the one who has the kids goes to the family events ). This usually happens but not always though loads better than it was

He’s been staying with me currently while she has the kids . We were chatting with his younger teen on FaceTime and she mentioned they were going to my dp parents for dinner tonight and it was a shame dp couldn’t come .

After the call I said to him as was feeling a bit insecure ‘would my you go If you were there ?’

Anyway he went mad and had massive screaming match and has now left and gone Home (different city )

So upset - be says it’s all my fault as I asked that question

OP posts:

1235kbm · 26/06/2020 20:01

Do you often have 'massive screaming matches'? I have no idea what you asked OP as it is word salad however, if you're having 'massive screaming matches' on a regular basis, do you think this is the right relationship for you?

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 20:03

Hahah yeah mangled words sorry

No , he was screaming at me - literally bellowing because I questioned if he would go to a family event if his ex wife there

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2020 20:03

What question did you ask? It's not clear.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2020 20:05

The screaming is completely, 100% unacceptable. I don't care what you asked him. Is this a regular occurance? Why would it matter if he went to an event where his ex was?

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 20:05

Sorry !

I said to him - would you go to the dinner if you were there ? As in , he and I live in different cities and in the past he frequently would be at same extended family events as ex . Which made me massively insecure

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 20:07

Oh it matters to me I suppose because it seemed odd they would carry on socialising as a family unit after split

OP posts:

1235kbm · 26/06/2020 20:07

I don't give a toss who someone is, they doesn't 'bellow' or 'scream in my face'. Don't allow yourself to be treated this way OP, screaming in people's faces and storming off like a three year old, don't really bode well for a relationship. He already has all that extra baggage regarding the ex etc

Count yourself lucky that you're not living with him and tell him to sod off.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2020 20:08

Have you given him a lot of grief about being around his ex in the past?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2020 20:09

They have children together. Why is it a problem if they are occasionally together with their children?

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 20:11

@aqua I just really think it undermines us a lot as I feel like his bit on the side

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2020 20:15

Is there a reason you don’t live together? What do mean he was staying with you as his wife had the kids? Where does he live when not with you?

ArriettyJones · 26/06/2020 20:15

@Emmie12345

Sorry !

What’s the point in that?

It’s a completely hypothetical question and surely not worth the grief?

You said he’s made changes and set rules to ease the situation. (Does that mean to appease you?) Surely you have to accept that he has adapted to your preference and this is as good as it gets? If that isn’t enough for you, and you can’t live with it, for whatever reason, then I think you need to give the poor man a break and end the relationship.

There is no way he should be “bellowing” but maybe you’re driving him a bit potty? What do you think/feel immediately before you bring the subject up yet again? Is it a morbid stomachy kind of obsession?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2020 20:15

I just really think it undermines us a lot as I feel like his bit on the side

First of all, the screaming was unacceptable, of course. However, you are making your jealousy and insecurity his problem when it's your problem. How does him having an ex make you a "bit on the side?" If you feel this way, perhaps you shouldn't be with a man who has an ex and children. Fact is, his children and their wellbeing will always come first in his life. If you can't handle that, move on.

romdowa · 26/06/2020 20:15

I'm going to be blunt. Stop it. There is nothing wrong with two people who can co parent and get along. It is extremely healthy for the children. My parents separated when I was a child , over 20 years ago but they remained friends and even still to this day they are friends and all of us can spend time together.
The children will resent you for trying to get in the middle of this. It is not your place to stop them being a family , regardless of weather they are separated or not, they are a family.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 26/06/2020 20:16

I don't think I understand. You asked him if he would go to dinner at his own parents?

And expected him to refuse because his ex and kids were going?

You're a nutter, in that case. And utterly unreasonable. However, if he was screaming at me in response I'd be done with the relationship.

ArriettyJones · 26/06/2020 20:17

[quote Emmie12345]@aqua I just really think it undermines us a lot as I feel like his bit on the side[/quote]
Why? Have you not met his family?

Maybe easing up in the obsessive jealousy might improve things in that regard? Maybe he’s scared to take you near her/then?

ArriettyJones · 26/06/2020 20:17

Her/them^

AliasGrape · 26/06/2020 20:24

I think it’s a tough situation when the ex is still very much part of the family, having dinner at his parents’ house etc. It’s hard to get your head round and I can understand it making you insecure. That said that’s up for ex’s family to decide, and it sounds like it’s good for the children they all get on. As long as he makes sure you’re not excluded, and he has appropriate boundaries in place, there’s not much you can do. It might make you insecure but that really is for you to address.

That said screaming and bellowing at you is not acceptable on any level, no matter what you’d said or how frustrating he might find it. Don’t be made to feel you deserved being screamed at.

generateusername · 26/06/2020 20:25

@romdowa my parents are the same. Neither of them ever remarried but if a stepparent had tried to stop us acting like a family (which we are; they split up but they could never stop being my parents), well, I can't even imagine.

I see a lot on here that people think it will be 'confusing for the children' if their divorced parents are actually able to stand to be in the same room together. I never found it in the least bit confusing. My parents explained very clearly that they still loved me, they just didn't love each other any more.

OP I mean this nicely but this is something you're just going to have to get over. His relationships with his children's family are not your business. Perhaps they're nice people? If you're in a serious relationship with him perhaps you could arrange to meet them casually and take it from there.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 20:28

Ummmm we live in different cities cos of our kids / schools etc

He has a house in the other city

I do get insecure about it as she is very much the daughter in law still and it’s harder to get to know his family yes

OP posts:

TooTiredTodayOk · 26/06/2020 20:29

Do you often ask him these hypothetical questions?

You're not cut out for a relationship with someone who has children with an ex.

Find someone else.

generateusername · 26/06/2020 20:31

I do get insecure about it as she is very much the daughter in law still

It's about the kids though, not the adults. His parents are doing exactly the right thing, treating the mother of their (presumably) beloved grandchildren with respect and love.

That doesn't have to mean that there's not room for you in the family IYSWIM? They can love her as the mother of their grandchildren without seeing her as their son's "rightful" partner or whatever.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2020 20:31

Is the relationship now over as far as you’re concerned?

TheCanyon · 26/06/2020 20:32

Why shouldn't he go to things she's at? I think it's brilliant his parents still invite her round, and why shouldn't they? It's the kids mother ffs not some bunny boiling fling.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 20:32

Hmmmm yes except his mum has asked me if I want to see their wedding photos for eg

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7