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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Terrible row - advice please

164 replies

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 19:56

Absolutely gutted

We’ve been together 4 years . His ex wife has always been A bit of a problem between us as she is very much part of his extended family circle . He has put in boundaries to try and ease the situ ( ie the one who has the kids goes to the family events ). This usually happens but not always though loads better than it was

He’s been staying with me currently while she has the kids . We were chatting with his younger teen on FaceTime and she mentioned they were going to my dp parents for dinner tonight and it was a shame dp couldn’t come .

After the call I said to him as was feeling a bit insecure ‘would my you go If you were there ?’

Anyway he went mad and had massive screaming match and has now left and gone Home (different city )

So upset - be says it’s all my fault as I asked that question

OP posts:

KatySun · 27/06/2020 11:38

I think it is okay to admit that maybe this was not the best choice you ever made, cut your losses and focus on your own life for a bit.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 27/06/2020 11:45

@Eddielzzard he sees it as interfering with kids’ wellbeing i think

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 27/06/2020 11:45

@KatySun I have no idea how to do that

OP posts:

Eddielzzard · 27/06/2020 11:48

Well maybe the kid's wellbeing would be stronger if you were more of a blended family, given that you do all get on well. Surely his DD would enjoy having your DD at her birthday party? Surely family gatherings would be just as enjoyable with you and your DD there? Why doesn't he think that's the case?

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 27/06/2020 11:49

he does think that but (I feel like ) his exw calls the shots re the kids tbh

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 27/06/2020 11:50

He doesn’t realise that her choices aren’t necessarily for the kids ‘ best interests but often for her own interests

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Original poster

Emmie12345 · 27/06/2020 11:51

For eg they have a WhatsApp family group with pic of them on , shared calendar same

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 27/06/2020 11:51

I understand it’s how they co-parent but I think it’s at odds with a second relationship (which he has and she doesn’t )

OP posts:

Phoenix21 · 27/06/2020 12:13

OP it’s been 4 years, he (and all other parties bar you) seem happy with the family arrangements and angry with your issues over it.

You are upset with the family arrangements and have a right to your feelings.

In a nutshell, it sounds as if he isn’t going to change anything for you and you are not happy with the status quo, which is your right.

His reaction would end things for me in any case.

This relationship doesn’t seem to have a future.

ivykaty44 · 27/06/2020 12:17

This isn’t co parenting but family parenting / they’ve not let go, or the mother hasn’t and so keeps him on the sidelines not allowing him to move on - by making the demands that she does. He wants an easy life so try’s to keep you both happy by keeping you in separate compartments, you’ve nudged this balance and he’s reacted badly

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 27/06/2020 12:20

It’s him that suffers because it’s an impossible situation for him as he feels it’s between me and his kids

Whereas it’s just how his ex has set up the family parenting that I’m not always that thrilled about

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 27/06/2020 12:25

He facilitated that situation and allows his family to ride rough shot over this

If he wants to move on and have his own life keeping himself happy then he needs to sort out the situation

Otherwise you’ll dump him, he gets a new g/f and the same process happens again - only next time it might not last 4 years.

doodleygirl · 27/06/2020 12:27

I don’t understand why you feel so threatened by this. My ex and I have the same kind of relationship with our families and it works so well for the DC, who are now adults. My DH and ex get on well as I do with ex’s partner.

Best way of co parenting as we have managed to navigate issues without much drama.

I think you need to look at this relationship as it doesn’t seem to work for you.

Phoenix21 · 27/06/2020 12:31

@Emmie12345

Yes it’s the operating as old family unit that is so hard to accept

The co parenting Is separate thing

I know he feels so upset if I say I am upset because he feels it’s detrimental to his kids - maybe we just have reached a dead end

Is he happy with the situation or not? You blame his ex but it sounds as if he is fine with it all and puts his/kids/ex/family feelings above yours.

Are you sure that he blew up to make an excuse to go home?

As said, our family operates in this way but all parties are (or seem) comfortable, no one is excluded.

Does he dismiss your feelings in other matters?

You shouldn’t hold on to a relationship that doesn’t work for you, just because of how you left your ex.

KatySun · 27/06/2020 12:33

Why does he feel it is between you and his kids, though? You are not stopping him having contact with his kids, you just feel uncomfortable with the cosy family stuff you are excluded from, which seems reasonable given the sounds of some of it.

He does not want to engage with your discomfort or change anything, so he is really just trying to shut you up about it.

So you need to decide if this is what you want. If it is not what you want then time to move on. Everyone makes mistakes, no need to punish yourself for the rest of your life by staying in a situation which makes you feel awful and where you are being screamed at for expressing how you feel or asking questions.

Longdistance · 27/06/2020 12:42

It sounds as likely the in-laws haven’t moved on from their split.
What was the reason for their split?
My mil and fil are divorced but still get on. I don’t know how her new dh feels, but there are some awkward moments. Before I met dh, none of his family spoke to one another which I found weird, but fil needed to accept his marriage was over and so did sil. Everyone is now on amicable terms.
Mil even stays at fils house if he goes away on holiday. Mil moved away 200miles but liked to come back and visit. Mil will call fil every week to chat. I do feel for her new dh, but think he’s had to accept it.

Liveandforget · 27/06/2020 12:55

He's screamed at you 3 times now. Bet he'd never treat his ex like that for all her unreasonable demands.

You need to end it, you're holding onto this for 2 reasons that I can see. Firstly, the sunken cost fallacy. You left your husband for him, and want something to show for it. Well, no relationship is better than this.

Secondly, you're hoping to recreate some sort of blended family unit with this man.

Neither of these are good enough reasons for staying in this relationship. He doesn't value you or respect you.

As an aside, I think this dynamic that he has with his ex and his dc, and the faux family set up, are damaging. They blur boundaries and teach children damaging lessons about relationships. It is perfectly possible to have good and positive relationships with an ex for the sake of the dc, without being enmeshed. As demonstrated by you and your ex.

But his relationship with his ex is his issue. You need to end yours with him. He's seeing how far he can push you and your boundaries. He needs to go.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 27/06/2020 13:02

I know , why scream at me - he places good terms with her above us

Weird when you have split with someone due to incompatibility ?

OP posts:

ArriettyJones · 27/06/2020 13:16

@Emmie12345

I know , why scream at me - he places good terms with her above us

Weird when you have split with someone due to incompatibility ?

No, it’s not weird. It’s guilt. He left her for you. He feels he left his children for you too, and he feels terrible.

Can’t you just be satisfied that he was keen enough on you to leave? What more do you want? I really think it’s worth asking yourself this seriously. Literally what would it take to satiate your need to be number one? He left his family for you which makes you a very successful OW. At least show some compassion for his guilt.

SusieOwl4 · 27/06/2020 13:19

Sorry . I think you have to accept they are always going to be part of his life . And perhaps the in laws want to still have a relationship with her and the children ? That’s their prerogative. If they meet you then they might have that relationship with you too ?

He should not have had a massive row but unless you think he is still wanting a relationship with her I think you are in the wrong .

SusieOwl4 · 27/06/2020 13:21

@Emmie12345

But he did not split with his children did he ? and she is still part of their lives .

He is probably trying to do the best for everyone and feeling the strain .

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 27/06/2020 14:54

@ArriettyJones he didn’t leave her for me , they had already split when we met

I left my exh for Him

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Forgotmycoat · 27/06/2020 15:57

This is why you never, ever leave your marriage for another man. You only leave it for yourself, that way there can be no regrets.

You left what sounds like a good man for this disrespectful twat who does not value you. What's done is done, get him gone from your life.

MarioPuzo · 27/06/2020 16:20

No, i wouldn't be happy about this either.

Coparenting together is fine, but them all doing things as a family while you are not invited is not ok. Nobody would be happy with that and it's no wonder you feel insecure. The other posters talking about their happy relationships with their exes are obviously welcoming their exes new partners into the dynamic but you're not being welcomed. You're the other woman in your own relationship.

The way he screamed at you so much that you wanted to call the police is terrifying. Please don't take him back. Let him live enmeshed with his ex.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 27/06/2020 17:56

He seems to put more effort into his relationship with exw than when they were married

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