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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Terrible row - advice please

164 replies

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 19:56

Absolutely gutted

We’ve been together 4 years . His ex wife has always been A bit of a problem between us as she is very much part of his extended family circle . He has put in boundaries to try and ease the situ ( ie the one who has the kids goes to the family events ). This usually happens but not always though loads better than it was

He’s been staying with me currently while she has the kids . We were chatting with his younger teen on FaceTime and she mentioned they were going to my dp parents for dinner tonight and it was a shame dp couldn’t come .

After the call I said to him as was feeling a bit insecure ‘would my you go If you were there ?’

Anyway he went mad and had massive screaming match and has now left and gone Home (different city )

So upset - be says it’s all my fault as I asked that question

OP posts:

EmpressSuiko · 26/06/2020 21:17

It is still odd that she was involved, he’d already had his birthday meal with the family so I can see your point from that one example, I think anyone would find that odd.

MrsGrindah · 26/06/2020 21:17

If you know you are insecure you need to deal with that and not use it as an excuse.However he shouldn’t be screaming at you.

TheCanyon · 26/06/2020 21:17

Yes I would be ok with that, why wouldn't i? My dh of 11 years has no problem with me going to my dd1s cousins parties (born 4 years into our relationship) or family get togethers etc without him. Then again my dh is very much a part of their family too

This is your problem op, you've stirred up a jealous shit storm to separate them and then chuck it in your face.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:17

It’s had a bad effect on me so am def over sensitive and insecure about it tbh

OP posts:

TheCanyon · 26/06/2020 21:18

*chuck it in HIS face

MrsGrindah · 26/06/2020 21:18

My DHs parents had his wedding photos up for years. I didn’t like it but I learnt it shrug it off. Their house etc,.

MrsGrindah · 26/06/2020 21:20

But you can’t keep saying “ I’m insecure” as if that makes you unaccountable. You need to deal with your insecurities regardless of his behaviour

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:21

@mrsgrindab yeah they also have their wedding photo up
This was asking me if I wanted to look at he album

OP posts:

MrsGrindah · 26/06/2020 21:22

Well just shrug it off. It’s their problem not yours.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:25

I do normally tbh

Well a lot of the time

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2020 21:28

It’s very optimistic getting engaged to someone you’ve never lived with. Are you hoping when you marry they’ll be more interested in you and less in his ex?

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:30

@AnneLovesGilbert no not really hoping that , Don’t think that would happen unless we had kids together

OP posts:

EmpressSuiko · 26/06/2020 21:35

Putting your insecurities aside, what action do you want him to take?
Do you just want him and the ex and take a step back?
Does he just view it as different parenting styles?
It seems like a tricky situation and obviously it’s a sensitive subject on both sides but if you want to stay with him you need to seek help to overcome your insecurities and you can even choose actively involve him in the process (he might understand your perspective better).
You both need to be happy and comfortable before marriage happens.

RoseTintedAtuin · 26/06/2020 21:39

The problem in some instances is external obstacles such as DC’s mother not wanting to co-parent with you in the mix or extended families not accepting the “blended” part of a blended family which appears to be an issue here. It seems to me that these issues are aggravating the normal insecurities and in the long term may need to be addressed

Bionical89 · 26/06/2020 21:42

I think because his child said it's ashame he couldn't go rather than his ex wife saying it, it isn't a big deal. It would be a different story if he was on facetime with his child and his ex wife appeared and said it was ashame he couldn't go to the meal. His child would want him there of course and voiced that.

I think when it comes to family events, it's the adult and mature thing to do to go and get along for the sake of your children. My parents could never do that for me and I resent them for it to be honest. I don't understand why they couldn't just grow up and attend events and just keep out of each others way. They did it for my wedding but that's it. Even then, they just sniped about each other before and after.

I'm not talking general dinners and things, more parties, weddings, funerals, graduations etc. I think if these are the type of things they attend together, it's fine. But you should also be invited along. You are his partner of 4 years

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:42

@EmpressSuiko I don’t even ‘want’ anything , I guess I had a moment of insecurity and instead of him just saying ‘no of course not ‘ he exploded in anger at me . Not sure I can continue really

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:44

@Bionical89 yes we have done big special occasions all together in past and it’s been fine

OP posts:

EmpressSuiko · 26/06/2020 21:46

I’m sorry, I do honestly feel for you, I suffer from anxiety and some awful insecurities and it’s really hard not to say anything when a moment of panic or a horrible feeling suddenly creeps on you.

Have his family not really included you or tried to integrate you into their family much over the four years?

Bionical89 · 26/06/2020 21:48

So your issue really OP is that you don't think it's appropriate that they attend general 'non event' type meals together at his parents house for example? If that's the case, I agree. Inappropriate. The big events, yes but not cosy random get togethers, especially if you are not asked along too

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:50

@empress they have made me welcome def - it’s more that i suppose because the old unit is often together it’s harder to not feel like an outsider sometimes

I really miss my old extended family from my marriage , so I know a lot of it is that sadness too

OP posts:

KatySun · 26/06/2020 21:51

The birthday thing is bizarre - he basically had a birthday dinner with you and then did the same again, but with his ex there.

I have a good friend whose partner’s parents did not accept her as the new partner even though the previous marriage had broken down a year before they met. Hopefully that makes sense. Her partner did have to speak to his parents and ask them to show my friend some respect. So all the kind of nonsense you describe stopped.

Co-parenting is good and well but that is not what you are describing. You are describing a situation where you do not feel accepted and that is because of things like being asked if you want to see the wedding album and separate dinners going on. The ex celebrating your partner’s birthday with his family is not co-parenting, it is not one of the children’s birthdays. Why did his ex need to be involved in celebrating his birthday? Or have I misunderstood?

It is all bizarre. I personally would not marry this man, because you have not lived with him, because there is a family set-up which makes you insecure and is not what you want (you want something which mirrors how you are with your ex) and this man screams at you in your face. It really is not worth it, I do not think.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:52

@Bionical89 yes , god I expect both of us to be at big events and think it’s so nice but I did find it v uncornfy them going for a casual supper together

So he put in boundaries but they haven’t always been adhered to (usually accidentally being there at same time )

So this just triggered me unfortunately today

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:55

@KatySun thank you for your post , I agree so much with what you say

Yes , he basically had a bday dinner with his ex then me as the woman in attendance

I don’t think he would do that now, but such things have left me really insecure and untrusting

Sadly as other than this and ensuing meltdowns we have a wonderful relationship

OP posts:

giantangryrooster · 26/06/2020 21:57

If I get this right, your partner is divorced and amicable with his xw (great), but both he, xw and his parents still function as a unity with you tagging along on the occasions he has the dc.

OP, that would make me very insecure. Mn might tell me to work on my jealousy, but it would take a saint to accept being on the outskirts of your own relationship, no matter how lovely it is they still all get along, room/allowances should be made for you as the new inlaw, too.

It's great your partner is loving and responsible towards his xw and dc. But have a chat with yourself if it's how you want to live and what it does to you Self-Esteem/peace of mind.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 22:02

Yes it’s the operating as old family unit that is so hard to accept

The co parenting Is separate thing

I know he feels so upset if I say I am upset because he feels it’s detrimental to his kids - maybe we just have reached a dead end

OP posts:

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