Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Terrible row - advice please

164 replies

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 19:56

Absolutely gutted

We’ve been together 4 years . His ex wife has always been A bit of a problem between us as she is very much part of his extended family circle . He has put in boundaries to try and ease the situ ( ie the one who has the kids goes to the family events ). This usually happens but not always though loads better than it was

He’s been staying with me currently while she has the kids . We were chatting with his younger teen on FaceTime and she mentioned they were going to my dp parents for dinner tonight and it was a shame dp couldn’t come .

After the call I said to him as was feeling a bit insecure ‘would my you go If you were there ?’

Anyway he went mad and had massive screaming match and has now left and gone Home (different city )

So upset - be says it’s all my fault as I asked that question

OP posts:

AmandaHoldensLips · 26/06/2020 20:34

Sounds like he finally snapped after having to deal with an insecure and jealous girlfriend for 4 years.

mathanxiety · 26/06/2020 20:35

Maybe it's harder to get to know his family because you are voluntarily staying away from family events when your DP doesn't have the children?

You have caused your P to make an arrangement that has resulted in cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Your P was wrong to scream at you, but you really, really need to get over your jealousy and insecurity.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 26/06/2020 20:46

His ex wife has always been A bit of a problem between us as she is very much part of his extended family circle How is the ex the problem? It Sounds like she is Frequently invited to Events and she goes. How is she the problem?!

He has put in boundaries to try and ease the situ ( ie the one who has the kids goes to the family events ). This usually happens but not always though loads better than it was so you asked that he doesn't attend the same events as his ex? But he sometimes goes anyway. Im assuming that she doesnt go if she doesnt have the kids??? Is it him that goes when he doesn't have the kids?

He’s been staying with me currently while she has the kids He has had his children during lockdown though?

After the call I said to him as was feeling a bit insecure ‘would my you go If you were there’ this sounds like an innocent question. But if you are frequently complaining about him being near his ex in these situations, he Has clearly had enough of it.

Anyway he went mad and had massive screaming match and has now left and gone Home major major res flag. Totally unacceptable.

So upset - be says it’s all my fault as I asked that question how often do you ask the question?

Op, it has been 4 years that youve been together. Is he divorced? Or you and him planning on marrying? Is he planning on moving in with you? Beyond your issues with how close his ex is to his family, Is this relationship going anywhere?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2020 20:52

I find it interesting that you even bothered to ask if he would go to the dinner if he was there. He wasn't there, so obviously couldn't go. It seems you were just looking for a fight.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 26/06/2020 20:52

Ex and I split nearly 2 years ago. Dp and I have been together for about 18 months.

Ex and I both attend family events regardless of who has our dd and he often brings his older kids.

As a poster above says, it's not about the adults it is about the kids. I actually think it is really good that they can all still be a family.

You need to get over yourself and your jealousy/insecurity and stop making it a competition because of you pit yourself against his kids you will lose... And I'm afraid to say rightly so.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 20:53

@lorenzo

Ex-wife -I guess she’s not really the problem

Boundaries - yes he instigated them after they split

Lockdown - he was with me for half and kids for half and now we
Can swap freely round anyway

Question - yes prob a red flag to him

Frequency - not for ages , was much worse at start of relationship but def a touchy subject

OP posts:

RoseTintedAtuin · 26/06/2020 20:55

Your insecurities appear to be perfectly normal and from what I can tell you have both put the children’s interest first by ensuring that the DC have a good relationship with their extended family and are not missing out on events.
I think it is good that the D.C. mother also has a relationship with his family.
That said this is not all on you and it is not unreasonable to expect DP to understand and address your insecurities which it appears he has although maybe he has slipped in this instance. It is not ok for him to scream and leave but the best way forward would seem to be to discuss it with him and explain that your insecurities are there and are part of your deal. It is not up to you to fix all of this.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2020 20:56

Just end it with him already. You're not suited for each other and you have serious work to do on your jealousy issues. Something tells me they have played a role in your past as well.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 20:58

Aw thank you @RoseTintedAtuin

We have such a great time together and all the kids love each other dearly

It’s just this is a real flashpoint and not sure we can overcome it as I just really struggle with the close co-parenting they have

I co-paremt with my ex amicably and also love my old mother in law very much but I do keep more of a backseat as my ex has a new partner and I want it to flourish

Oh me and my partner are engaged

OP posts:

EthelMayFergus · 26/06/2020 21:01

I don't understand the responses to this, would you all really be okay with your partner of four years going to dinner at his parents house with his ex instead of you?

EmpressSuiko · 26/06/2020 21:05

I don’t see an issue with the family events, my Nan and grandad divorced and although there was some issues they’ve both always attended family events because of their children, my step grandad always joined my Nan and they al kept the peace for the sake of they children and even now they still attend family events because of the grandchildren, I think it would be weird if they didn’t attend.
Have you not gone to events with him as well as the ex being there? She is a part of his life and always will be, you need to accept that, it’s a healthy dynamic.
I agree his reaction was OTT but how many times has he had to reassure you?
Seeking reassurance just solidifies your insecurities and makes them seem valid and it wears thin on the other person. He can only reassure you so much, you need to trust him, I know this from my own experience with some of my own issues.
Maybe speak to your GP for some CBT sessions, to help unravel your insecurities and move past them.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:05

@EthelMayFergus OMG can’t believe someone can see my point of view

Initially it was v frequently (until I insisted on boundaries ) - this was in addition to what I would myself see as more common coparemt stuff (like kids bdays , catch up over a coffee re school work for eg)

OP posts:

Techway · 26/06/2020 21:06

Maybe I am too cynical but did he manufacture the row so he could go back to his home and go to the dinner?

Be honest with yourself..do you raise the issue often? I understand your insecurity as there is an important part of his life that you are not involved with.

I think you should take his reaction seriously, its a warning but how he handles recovering from this is important.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:07

@EmpressSuiko am really not sure I can be in the relationship for my own (and his!) mental health

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:08

@Techway no def not as it’s a loooong way

OP posts:

SuperheroBirds · 26/06/2020 21:09

I know it is entirely down to the individuals how they handle a split, but as the child of divorced parents I’m really glad that my parents both remained part of the whole wider family. We’ve never had an event where we have questioned who was going to be there, they have always both been there so we didn’t miss out on things with them. My mum had younger sisters, and my Dad helped to look after them after their Dad died and even gave them away at their weddings, they told my mum that there was no way they wouldn’t want him in their life.
My Dad has now been with my Step Mum for about 15 years and I have always been impressed with that fact that she has happily joined in with all the family stuff and never suggested that Dad should distance himself from my mum’s side of the family. In fact, during lockdown we have had a weekly big family zoom quiz with 9 teams, my dad and step-mum are one team and my mum and her partner are one of the others!

EmpressSuiko · 26/06/2020 21:10

Jas he ever gone to dinner with just his ex and the children before? If not then it was irrelevant to ask, he has been with you for 4 years, have you ever seen any indication of them wanting to get back together?
Obviously I understand you’ve not written a great deal of the history between you all over the years.
Do you, him and the children ever go to dinner to his parents?

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:12

Yes he has been for dinner with just ex and kids many tines before . For eg on a big bday of his had one meal with me, his parents kids and him and one with ex , kids his parents and him . That was a while ago tho

OP posts:

SuperheroBirds · 26/06/2020 21:13

@EthelMayFergus

I don't understand the responses to this, would you all really be okay with your partner of four years going to dinner at his parents house with his ex instead of you?

Why instead of? When my family have dinners etc, they invite my mum and her partner, and my dad and step mum.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:13

No I absolutely don’t think they would get back together but I do think that he and their old family is his ex ‘s main focus

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:14

@SuperheroBirds they wouldn’t invite us all as she would feel awkward? I would much rather that tbh

OP posts:

ImFree2doasiwant · 26/06/2020 21:14

Do you ever attend family event with his kids and parents?

EmpressSuiko · 26/06/2020 21:15

So he had two meals in one day? That’s a much clearer example of what’s been happening, I defy find that odd and there’s no need for the ex to be involved when his already seen the children and his parents.

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:16

@ImFree2doasiwant yes we do go to family stuff when it’s his turn to have the kids

@empress well it was consecutive days but yes two meals

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 21:16

We went to dinner once and his mum asked me if I wanted to see their wedding photos !

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7