Terrible row - advice please

[Emmie12345]

Absolutely gutted

We’ve been together 4 years . His ex wife has always been A bit of a problem between us as she is very much part of his extended family circle . He has put in boundaries to try and ease the situ ( ie the one who has the kids goes to the family events ). This usually happens but not always though loads better than it was

He’s been staying with me currently while she has the kids . We were chatting with his younger teen on FaceTime and she mentioned they were going to my dp parents for dinner tonight and it was a shame dp couldn’t come .

After the call I said to him as was feeling a bit insecure ‘would my you go If you were there ?’

Anyway he went mad and had massive screaming match and has now left and gone Home (different city )

So upset - be says it’s all my fault as I asked that question

@Eddielzzard, I think that might be valid insight. If he was frustrated with Op he would be on the phone to apologise for the over reaction and his behaviour.

OP, never stay with a man who scared you. That fear is there for a reason and often a safety/gut instinct for women. I also think he is keeping both sides "happy" because it gets him the life he wants, he probadly confuses his ex wife with his behaviour and kindness which keeps her hopefully.

Please don't blame his ex W, that is a cop out as men will act how they want. He left her which would have caused massive upset so I think saying No to dinner would not concern him. What you need to understand is that there is a payoff for him. I don't think he is being honest with you about it however and his anger is so you won't push to answers.

I am sorry if this doesn't work out. Do you regret leaving your husband or had you reached a natural end?

[quote Emmie12345]@BiPsychle I have no concerns with them in romantic terms but I do think she is still in the wife space

For eg she recently wrote a happy bday post to his mum saying ‘to the best mil ever (still)’[/quote]
Here's a good definition of "enmeshment", @Emmie12345:

Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear.

From a psychological perspective, it's dysfunctional.

@Techway what is the pay off do you think ?

Hi @Emmie12345 Have a look at another thread running on the same subject. My story is also in there. You are not alone in feeling miffed - there seem to be a few of us in a similar position

His ex clinging on! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3941285-His-ex-clinging-on

It’s the third time he has screamed at me and sworn at me
I can’t stay in this. I felt like calling the police earlier but thank god he left

Keep reminding yourself of this.....

it’s not really about anything other than when I expressed a moment of insecurity how he reacted to me

it's WAY more than a 'moment' of insecurity OP... don't under play what this has done to your mental health your confidence and your moral wellbeing..

It really doesn't matter how well (or bad) he/she gets along with his ex, it's how you feel about it. And in the end, is how secure you feel about yourself, your relationship and how he makes you feel with him and children/family. Most people I know try to get the best relationship with the ex because of the kids.

How are you @Emmie12345? How are things? Yes, I'm being nosey and over invested, but this is the sort of thing I can imagine myself getting into. Please look after yourself, because he'll never put you first.

Hi thanks for asking - haven’t had the best week ever no. He wants us to do counselling together and has said he will seek his own help for issues that caused him to react how he did .

I still feel numb tbh and not sure what to do for the best

OP this sounds a lot like my situation and you have my huge sympathy and understanding. All those people saying “it’s best for the kids” and “you’re not cut out for a relationship if you can’t handle him having an ex” etc are missing the point.

We are all searching for that partner who makes us feel loved and special. We don’t WANT to share our partner and our lives with another woman, just because she happened to get there first. We’re not frigging Mormon sister wives.

Everyone knows that meeting the parents is a big deal, because it implies you’re being taken seriously as a partner, but when you go to his parents house and they make a big deal about his ex - wanting to show you his bloody wedding photos FFS! - it’s no wonder you feel insecure.

It’s unnatural and uncomfortable to have an ex so closely involved with your DP. Yes it may be a nice thing, but feeling insecure about it is totally 100% understandable, not something to feel ashamed of. There seem to be a lot of “cool wives” on here who thing it’s just dandy that their man hangs out with his ex and their kids as a family. It’s shit.

I have been invited to things with my ex and his family, but if he had a new partner and they decided to invite her and not me, or she didn’t want me there, I’d be respectful of that. Yes the DCs family unit is important and nobody wants to see parents at each other’s throats, but there should also be boundaries if anyone wants a successful next relationship. Putting the need for the DCs to see mum and dad at all the family events without their new partners will make sustaining a relationship very difficult, and a second relationship break down much more likely.

I’m sure a lot of these posters will be of the “you shouldn’t need a relationship if you have DCs, they should be your entire focus” school of thought.

Well fuck that. I left my XH as I needed some love and affection in my life. Yes that comes with some added complications these days, with all the exes and children involved, but DP and I carve out some time to make our relationship work.

The screaming at you of course is totally unacceptable, so if you choose to finish it due to that nobody would blame you, but if you stick with him you absolutely have a right to some discussion around how things make you feel, and for him to express some empathy for that, not shout at you.

@markruffalo

I think I love you !
Will respond later as rushed now - thank you for your lovely post xx

Ps yes I am an ex-wife too and totally agree with not wanting make my ex ‘s new gf feel excluded

I don't think you can just shrug your feelings off and act like it doesn't bother you for the sake of a 'happy relationship'. If it was a happy relationship to begin with, he would have said 'I'm sorry you're feeling insecure, there are some things I can't/don't want to change about my situation with my ex but how can I help you to feel better?'. He didn't do that, he screamed at you. He wants you in your place. Why should you have to control your emotions if he has no obligation to control his? I never think leaving is the easy option but I think if you're able to slowly pull yourself away from this man and move on with your life, you'll be so much happier. Also, I often see a lot of people on this site say 'don't go to counselling with an abuser'. I think if you were to go to counselling with him, you'd leave believing even more that you need to step back and let him have his happy family on the side. Let him have that, but don't be his fallback, just walk away. You probably feel like a bit on the side because that's how he makes you feel. People don't normally just pull those feelings out from nowhere.

@JuanNil to be fair to him, he has done a lot over last few years to install boundaries and have as little as possible involvement . Things just crop up here and there and I get very insecure due to the past.

Don’t feel like carrying on anyway currently tbh as my heart just feels numb towards him