Terrible row - advice please

[Emmie12345]

Absolutely gutted

We’ve been together 4 years . His ex wife has always been A bit of a problem between us as she is very much part of his extended family circle . He has put in boundaries to try and ease the situ ( ie the one who has the kids goes to the family events ). This usually happens but not always though loads better than it was

He’s been staying with me currently while she has the kids . We were chatting with his younger teen on FaceTime and she mentioned they were going to my dp parents for dinner tonight and it was a shame dp couldn’t come .

After the call I said to him as was feeling a bit insecure ‘would my you go If you were there ?’

Anyway he went mad and had massive screaming match and has now left and gone Home (different city )

So upset - be says it’s all my fault as I asked that question

And you have kids yourself - do you really want their step dad to be someone with that temper, capable of screaming and bellowing at you? You don't know what it's like to be around him 24/7. You'd be a fool to marry him on that basis.

You’re right . I don’t see how we can continue

And no I do NoT want my kids to be subject to anyone shouting at their mum . Me and their dad had a v peaceful relationship

It’s the third time he has screamed at me and sworn at me

I can’t stay in this . I felt like calling the police earlier but thank god he left

And no I do NoT want my kids to be subject to anyone shouting at their mum . Me and their dad had a v peaceful relationship

See and that's amazing!

At the moment your kids have two peacefully coparenting parents who put them first and make them feel safe and secure, modelling healthy boundaries and navigating a complicated relationship with their best interests at heart.

At the moment his kids have exactly the same re their parents.

You would both be incredibly selfish to continue a relationship that jeopardises the hard work all the adults involved have done so far to prioritise the children involved.

Put them first and call this thing off.

It’s the third time he has screamed at me and sworn at me

I can’t stay in this . I felt like calling the police earlier but thank god he left

Never ever, ever marry a man you are frightened of. Teach your kids what a healthy relationship looks like - your relationship with your ex, their dad, is a healthy relationship even though you aren't together anymore.

I really hope you can be strong and end it. It's not normal to scream and shout and your partner and for them to be so scared they panic and want to call the police.

If you have daughters in that situation as adults you would want to rescue them and for them to never see the guy again.

If you have sons in that situation as adults you would be furious and ashamed that they spoke to a woman like that.

The more you model healthy relationships to them the less likely those things are to happen to them

@backseatcookers how do I end it ? Speak to him tomorrow ? By phone

If a man scared me the way you felt scared then i would do it over the phone, 100%.

Especially as I don't think this sounds like a relationship you should end up salvaging.

If he is kicking off and resisting then I would say you at least want a break and space to think.

That buys you some time for his shock / anger to wear off and time for you to plan your next steps.

I think breaks are bullshit when people really think they'll work, but when you know you don't really want a break but it is a way of de-escalating the situation with someone aggressive I think they're a good suggestion to keep in your back pocket.

Hi Emmi

I am another one who sides with you and state that everyone asking you to be the 'mature person' in this scenario who feel the same if they were actually in that situation!

My advice is that your current partner will make you out to be crazy and insecure unless you give him a taste of how this feels for you eg do the following

1. Become much closer to your old family unit!

You say you had a great relationship with your ex MIL, so call her more often in his presence to see how she is doing and encourage your children to do so. Send her Mother's Day cards etc

1. If you and your ex are as amicable as you say, if you can stand to attend a few events with him eg school plays, birthday parties etc just do so and let current partner know that after all you also have a great co-parenting relationship

1. Ensure that your children buy their Dad a good Father's Day card/ present etc with your support

1. Perhaps ask your ex for advice to fix car, or something in the house, new partner may view his role in the relationship as also being 'undermined'

All of this may be over the top acting but it may drive the point home the point when he is on the outside of another's family unit

My question is why do people commit to new relationships when they are still fully signed up to the old?

Yes I know that children complicate things at times, but perhaps OP's partner is the one acting childishly, wanting to have his cake and eat it with both units, then running off in a screaming strop when he doesn't get his way!

OP you made things too easy for him by always stepping back when it wasn't comfortable for you.

What plans are there to live together as the main unit soon etc, it may take you both to compromise with jobs/ schools etc if you want to live together

Without the above, everyone around you eg his family and maybe even friends will always see the ex as 'his wife' and you the bit on the side.

I am one for being honest with myself rather than treading on eggshells regarding important issues, only you know what you can take!

If a relationship is not meant to be for whatever reason, so be it, don't loose your sense of self worth during the process as you never know they may end up back together, which is your greatest fear!

But if you remove yourself from it, and tell him to be 'fully' with his ex as that's what it appears he wants, you may find that without you being there, she/ he also looses their appeal, as there is obviously a reason why they broke up in the first place!!!

My last few questions.... how far are your partner and the ex wife with the divorce process?

It could be that neither are in a rush to be legally separated or one is stalling, the question is which one and why?

Was the proposal to you just a way to keep you sweet and feign commitment, whilst not upsetting the status quo?

Our family is like your partners, we also welcome new partners though, is this what’s happening?

One of my aunts was married to my uncle for 20 odd years. She’s family, and both her and new partner are welcome to things like bbqs. Both seem ok with it?

Another relatives new partner doesn’t attend/interact much and it’s stopped a relationship being built.

If they are inviting you and you are turning it down due to ex, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

@user1461609321 thanks for your post

They got divorced last year (he instigated it when n divorce came through) I think she thought they would just separate as it was a big shock to her

He always says he never interferes in my relationships with my old family but i barely have one and I lost my friendship with exh when we split as I broke his heart . We are civil now but he doesn’t want to be friends.

It makes me so upset that I am being almost vilified if I mind re his ex yet his kids have their old intact family unit plus me and my kids (who they adore and vv) and my kids have lost all that and just have me when they are with me (and dp if he’s here )

We are / were waiting till his youngest (olde than my youngest ) goes to uni then would buy together prob

@phoenix I do go if they invite me - this is re the times I am not around (we live oh different places )

@user1461609321 he proposed a few months after their divorce came through

Which went down like a ton of bricks w ex w

@user1461609321 he def doesn’t want to be with his ex , he just feels a lot of guilt re the children (I think )

It's a tough one and I understand the guilt, however the children are possibly old enough to understand the the parents have split and that dad now has a new partner, whom he has been with for 4 years.

The double birthday dinner for him for example with his parents and kids plus you then his ex, is my opinion more confusing and actually unnecessary and not in the children's interest

He really shouldn’t be screaming and shouting at you, that’s disgraceful and would be a deal breaker for me in all honesty. I wonder if he was the same with his wife? My uncle wasn’t the greatest partner to his wife and I think that plays a part in the family not dropping her.

It’s a shame your children don’t have the same unit but his kids shouldn’t have to miss out because of that?

And unfortunately, if your ex was distraught after you left him I doubt his relatives would want to keep you close with open arms. That’s not a criticism on what you did, just the reality.

So the family are welcoming to you? It’s a tough one for you but if everyone else is happy it seems unfair that they drop the ex (who I guess they’ve known 20+ years) to build a relationship with you when both can be had?

The dinner, we would have just had one big one. Who doesn’t want to come doesn’t.

Also are they an entrenched family? Eg my mum was School friends with my aunt the relationships are not solely based on the marriage.

Overall though, look how he treats you? While he may wish to hold his position he shouldn’t be treating you badly over your insecurities, he should be reassuring you and searching for a happy compromise.

Thanks both for your posts

Yes his kids are old enough to understand and I feel like things like the bday dinner for eg are really undermining for our relationship

I mean - I can’t see why if it was amicable split she would for eg not want to invite me and my daughter to for eg her daughter bday she’s hosting (they are great friends )

I would welcome my exh new partner at anything like that

If his kids are old enough to understand, then surely you are also old enough to understand why joint family occasions might occur?

Was it the wife who didn’t want you at the birthday dinner? That’s unfortunate, as she’s putting her feelings over the kids, personally for the kids sake if I were you I would have let them get on with it rather than have a second dinner just to appease me.

Is this the core problem? Surely if you felt secure within the relationship itself you would be concerned about it being ‘undermined’ by the actions of others?

@phoenix do you know , it’s not really about anything other than when I expressed a moment of insecurity how he reacted to me (

All sounds odd that 4 years after a split and new girlfriend in toe that the extended family don’t have some boundaries to allow a new relationship

That’s all ok if new g/f is going to be happy with situation - but many are not op included

This is just such a shit situation and I can't see him changing. I don't like how he reacted to you. And it's his family and ex that also need to change and accept you. It has to come from him, telling his family and ex how he wants it to change, but I get the feeling he likes it how it is. He gets to enjoy his extended family, and then celebrate again with you.

So I'd think hard about whether this is what you want in a relationship.

OP you're getting a lot of negative comments on here but I wouldn't be happy with my DH going for dinner with his ex and kids round his parents either. Is the relationship really right for you? Maybe it's time to move on?

I do feel sorry for you, because essentially you have left a marriage you would not have left had this man not come along, but you don’t have a family unit really with this man.

He lives in a different town, where he keeps up a family relationship with his ex through his parents, so you do have separate lives to that extent - and when he is with you and you question the involvement with his ex, he screams at you and stomps off like a child? So you feel abandoned and like you cannot raise an issue of concern or else he will go? This is no way to live. Certainly not an option for selling your own house and moving together with him, which is what marriage entails.

@Eddielzzard I think that’s the crux of it. I’ve left everything for him yet he has the same old unit plus me

And yet his reaction if I mention anything Is off the scale

The extreme reaction tells you that he knows it's not right, but he's going to protect his lifestyle and wants you to put up with it and not complain. Put up and shut up is the term I think...