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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Terrible row - advice please

164 replies

Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 19:56

Absolutely gutted

We’ve been together 4 years . His ex wife has always been A bit of a problem between us as she is very much part of his extended family circle . He has put in boundaries to try and ease the situ ( ie the one who has the kids goes to the family events ). This usually happens but not always though loads better than it was

He’s been staying with me currently while she has the kids . We were chatting with his younger teen on FaceTime and she mentioned they were going to my dp parents for dinner tonight and it was a shame dp couldn’t come .

After the call I said to him as was feeling a bit insecure ‘would my you go If you were there ?’

Anyway he went mad and had massive screaming match and has now left and gone Home (different city )

So upset - be says it’s all my fault as I asked that question

OP posts:
Molteni · 26/06/2020 22:05

I don’t see the point in continuing this relationship. Who says it’s going to get any better. Only four years in; he shouted, you’re not sure … Pff. There’s no logical reason why you would willingly submit yourself to a situation you’re not comfortable with. Even if you bring in a whole battery of therapists.

Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 22:08

@Molteni I sadly think you’re right

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 26/06/2020 22:26

OP this has the potential for making you very unwell.. mentally unwell... you need to consider the long term of this situation and whether you can cope knowing his ExWife will always be there too....

His Ex and He clearly have a co-parenting plan that works and that's great for all concerned.... except you... I wouldn't personally plan a future with this man... It sounds like a recipe for disaster for you... and your mental health...

Sorry OP Flowers

Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 22:30

Thanks @bumblebee

I remember a couple of years ago she wanted to do a holiday together (not me)

I was like - I couldn’t handle that - but I still feel really insecure it would happen and I would have to somehow cope with the feelings it produced in me

I think she presents things as nice for the kids and he does the right thing by them

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 26/06/2020 22:33

I remember a couple of years ago she wanted to do a holiday together (not me)

I was like - I couldn’t handle that - but I still feel really insecure it would happen and I would have to somehow cope with the feelings it produced in me

nobody would be comfortable with that.. I don't care what anyone 'claims' on here... Hmm

Honeyroar · 26/06/2020 22:41

I presume she hasn’t met anyone else and moved on then? I think you’ve got two choices really. Either you end this segregation- you go to all family events whether she’s there or not. Claim your place in the family and don’t allow yourself to be pushed aside. Be civil to her, friendly if you can, but let her know things are not all her way. Otherwise, if you can’t assert yourself and it’s upsetting you then it’s time to walk away. It must be tough and a lot of people wouldn’t cope with it.

Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 22:43

@bumble I suppose it’s about one’s own limits

The problem is he gets massively frustrated and at me for my limitations

OP posts:
BiPsychle · 26/06/2020 22:47

No no no. They're far too enmeshed. And I'm writing this as a person who lives with their ex! We may be in close physical proximity, but we are romantically separated - so, from my perspective, your partner - or certainly your partner's family - is nowhere near healthily separated from his ex.

Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 22:48

@Honeyroar - no she hasn’t met anyone else

It would be v different if she had I think

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 22:51

@BiPsychle I have no concerns with them in romantic terms but I do think she is still in the wife space

For eg she recently wrote a happy bday post to his mum saying ‘to the best mil ever (still)’

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 22:53

As someone that has my own dear ex mil there is no way I would write that on fb to be tactful to my exh new gf .. I might write it in a card but not on fb

OP posts:
giantangryrooster · 26/06/2020 22:53

he gets massively frustrated and at me for my limitations

He's doing what he thinks is right for his dc (or atleast what his xw tells him is right) but what room does that leave for a committed relationship with you? You end up being his bit on the side, for when his is not with his original family? Neither he nor his wife have truly moved on.

I don't think it is your limits that are screwed, i don't think what he is asking he could accept himself, were the tables turned.

But beware of the impact on your mh.

giantangryrooster · 26/06/2020 22:56

Sorry about typos Confused

Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 22:56

Still cAnt believe he has gone in anger

We met when he and his ex were first separated. I left the farther of my kids for him, how can I walk away having thrown away my marraige

OP posts:
BiPsychle · 26/06/2020 22:58

@Emmie12345 - That's what I mean by "enmeshed".

Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 22:59

@giantangryrooster that’s exactly what it feels like, though he would say he’s doing his best in difficult circumstances

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 23:00

[quote BiPsychle]@Emmie12345 - That's what I mean by "enmeshed".[/quote]
Sorry what do you mean by enmeshed @bi

OP posts:
giantangryrooster · 26/06/2020 23:01

Auch, you tell yourself he is not worth building a future with, then move on the best you can. Do take some time before you start a new relationship, it will help you getting to know you and getting your boundaries in place.

Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 23:08

I think I have no option

Esp his reaction to me being insecure was so explosive and now he has left anyway

OP posts:
Azerothi · 26/06/2020 23:08

I know you said you left your husband for your current boyfriend but why did your boyfriend split up with his wife?

Nancydrawn · 26/06/2020 23:09

I think it would be delightful idea for family dinners...as long as you were treated as part of the family. Separating you out marks you as not belonging, which isn't okay.

Also not okay: his reaction. My guess is that he's feeling defensive, but he needs to grow up.

If you talk with him again and he can't see you as part of the family, then I think you have your answer.

Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 23:11

@Azerothi mutual amicable split for them

@nancy he sees me as part of the family, it’s more that his extended family
Still see her there instead of me

OP posts:
Techway · 26/06/2020 23:19

Is there an age difference between you two? How did you meet and would you have left your husband if do wasn't on the scene?

Don't keep on with a relationship because you feel you can't back out. That's the sunken cost fallacy.

Original poster
Emmie12345 · 26/06/2020 23:21

He’s 7 years older than me , we both have kids

We met accidentally (works bash )

No I wouldn’t have left had I not massively fallen for him

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 26/06/2020 23:35

Two separate issues. Well more than that but two main ones...

  1. Your attitudes about coparenting are totally and utterly incompatible. This is already becoming a big issue and that will only get worse. You're being immature and while it's not your job to put his kids first, you should be adult enough to understand that coparenting as a unit is healthy and best for his kids. You are asking him to reduce the level of amicable that he is with his ex wife. You can ask of course, but he is happy with it and so are the kids. He has every right to say no.
  1. If a partner screamed at me, bellowing and berating me, at a stage we weren't even living together, I would leave them. It's disgusting behaviour and should be a dealbreaker for someone with healthy boundaries and expectations.

So I think your attitude has been immature and unreasonable, but his behaviour in response is unforgivable.

You surely can't still be planning to marry him? Especially without even living together?

People always say the 'apart from this it's wonderful' line but it doesn't really mean anything when it's such a big issue that isn't going away.