Dh getting and sending porn pics

[Jossen]

Hi. I’ve NC as use this forum a lot and don’t want to be recognised. I’ve been with my dh since I was 19, we are both 40. We’ve had minor ups and downs over the years but I wouldn’t say anything different to what other couples do. We have 2 amazing dc he’s a great dad and like I said apart from the odd argument we get on really well, things are good in the bedroom department etc. So, for a while now he has been getting messages off random work friends with silly pop up pics, like 10 second clips of porn vids, rude memes and videos of women flashing their boobs etc. Now before anyone accuses me (just assuming) of looking at his messages, we share a laptop and he often forgets to log his messenger out so when I login it’s right there. Plus he knows I’ve seen them and to be honest I have usually just laughed it off and called him immature. Thankfully the laptop is password protected and our kids don’t use it. But anyway I logged in this morning and he must have been on the laptop last night as a message was left open. It was a 10 second clip of a woman giving a BJ that he’d been sent and he then sent it to 4 other friends. I only see the message he’d been sent and didn’t click on any of his mates names who he’d sent it to. For the first time it actually bothered me. He’s hardly a young man in his 20’s just having a laugh with the lads he’s a grown man. I raised the subject with him before when our kids were out of ear shot and he just laughed it off and said it’s only a joke and a “lads thing”. I trust him 100% and honestly don’t think there’s anything more to it than him being a perv and a bit childish sending messages like this to his mates, but I’m irritated. Thoughts?

I expect 95% of the hetero male population is in various WhatsApp groups where various types of porn and rude or disgusting jokes or memes are shared on a daily or hourly basis

Dont be so fucking stupid

Are your DCs female OP? Either way, perhaps a conversation about his real or perceived attitude to women would be a good starting point.

A lot of women in porn are victims - would he really want his children, whatever their gender, to garner a similar attitude in future relationships?

It's not a "lad's thing." It's an immature, twattish, fuckwit thing. Fgs, he's 40 acting like a idiotic 14 year old. It's pathetic.

This

I’d lose respect for someone who did this.

a great dad, doesn’t go out drinking regularly, usually goes out with his mates twice a year max for his birthday and works Xmas party that‘s it

Maybe he needs to get out a bit more instead of fiddling with his phone

I think for those of us who are over 40 on here, the problem here is you start to feel it’s somewhat seedy and immature, I know a guy of 58 that was doing it and his comment was ‘well none of the poor buggers in this group get much in the way of action and are all married’. Had it occurred to them that one reason might be they have wives that think they are sleazebags- it’s a viscious circle!!!

Yeah I get what you’re saying. I don’t think of my dh as seedy, maybe immature at times though. He’s not perfect but then again neither am i. I know of people and have some friends who are in shit relationships and won’t leave because of various things, then there are some who like their lifestyles ie the money their houses and don’t want to give that up. If I felt I was in a bad marriage I’d be gone and wouldn’t stay for money or to save my kids feelings. On the whole we have a free relationship so I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

It’s not only immature and sleazy but hugely disrespectful . I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t appreciate you and your gfs sharing pics of twenty year olds with great bodies and huge dongs?
Why is it so acceptable for men to treat women as bodies to be rated on tots and ass and passed around for shits and giggles . Nice to know the world has assholes like this deciding which of us deserves their likes or approval lol it’s not just women who post their images who get judges but all women who become targets of this objectification
Be interesting to ask these sort of guys to make some women in history or not go have achieved things in the world that they respect .... not who’s bodies they like but who they actually respect as in see them as having humanity and being worthy of more than resources for their consumption.

There was a thread about this recently and a lot of "cool wives" said it wasn't the OPs business. I personally see it your business to have an opinion on how your partner objectifies women and shares images from free porn sites being investigated for sex trafficking and under age abuse.

Well I guess it’s only your business if you don’t want to be with a man who supports an industry where he has ZERO way of knowing the ‘women ‘ he is objectifying are actually women and not underage . How do men KNOW every female they are sharing images of is of age and consenting .

Half the men I know are not even on whatsapp to be sharing it in WhatsApp groups.

I don’t get the appeal of sharing pictures/videos you find sexy. Like the whole share feature on pornhub because you know right after a bit of pleasure my first thoughts are You know who would Loveeee this... Aunt Betty 😂

Also seems to be the immature never going to grow up types trying so hard to be cool that do share it. It’s not an attractive trait I’d think less of any man who shared his stash like you thought tommy might like to wank to your pre approved wank footage... no thanks.

I don’t think my dh would care if I shared pictures of fir men with my friends. And please, can we stop with the objectifying women, and abuse of under age girls etc. The videos were of adult women, not underage girls. I’ve already said that I’ve occasionally watched porn when I was younger, as a woman, are you accusing me of objectifying women too?

If this is work friends or work messenger/ phone/ laptop he’s on very thin ice. Being sent them is one thing, forwarding is completely different. If my OH did this I would think it was pretty rank actually and lose quite a bit of respect. It’s the fnar fnar aspect that is quite so off putting I think.

No it isn’t work phone/messenger. It was a couple of work mates private messenger accounts. Not saying that makes it ok it isn’t. Although I was angry and still rather frustrated, I’m not about to end my 21 year relationship over my dh sending a few pictures/videos to his friends.

You're not overreacting IMO but you need to have a proper chat with him and explain WHY you're a little uncomfortable with a grown man with kids sharing these videos. Perhaps he'd find it a little odd if mother of his kids was sharing pics of dicks with her friends all the time. Even for shits and giggles. It's a good sign you have a good relationship and there are no intimacy issues. So it doesn't seem like he's "invested" in these videos.

Like @OneForMeToo said "Also seems to be the immature never going to grow up types trying so hard to be cool that do share it. It’s not an attractive trait I’d think less of any man who shared his stash like you thought tommy might like to wank to your pre approved wank footage... no thanks."

That's what I find weird about men tbh😂😳😖. NEVER have I ever seen a dirty video or pic and thought.. "oooh Sarah will enjoy this with her rabbit later!" 😂😂 it's just... odd🙈

What type of job is he in? This seems to be workplace culture in some jobs. My DH gets sent these kinds of messages on WhatsApp groups, and at weekends images of all the beer bottles his colleagues have got through. I think it's pathetic and he knows it. What I don't understand is how this is allowed and how men get away with such misogynistic shit in groups associated with work. How do the women working with them tolerate the fact that they are clearly objectifying and making a joke of women's bodies? DH knows that I could not work in the job that he does because I couldn't deal with it and I mostly refuse to meet his work friends. I guess I should expect him to get out of these groups, but they are also used for actual work chat sometimes, e.g. checking if he's available to go in at the weekend, so I don't feel like I can. Tbh writing about it makes me really angry that he doesn't challenge this behaviour at work, but he is very professional and good at his job so I don't want him to not be part of the group, even if they are a bunch of sexist alcoholics! Makes me roll my eyes though when he claims to not be sexist...

So Josern of the Objectification is not an issue as far as your concerned then decide whether you want to stay with a man who is a Childish perv as this seems to be your objection. Many women leave relationships , even longer ones than yours because we don’t want to be with men like that
Amd btw ... whilst the pics may have been of older women the vast majority come from sites that support abuse and have history with minors .. there’s a Reason they have been forced to put report this video links on each video !!! They don’t do it out of their moral integrity. Unless of course they are sharing images of older women who send them voluntarily after chatting ?

Fair enough that you don’t want to consider ending your relationship . So are you comfortable asking him to stop the chats with those particular buddies that do that on WhatsApp ? Surely if they are good enough friends , dropping them and the porn pics on WhatsApp won’t make or break the friendship

Just a bit gross really

My boyfriend gets sent numerous pics and dirty memes al the time. It's a lads thing. Whether it's right or wrong for you is down to you. I brush it off. What can you do?

Send his friends a pic of International Women's Day from Deadpool and see if they find it funny to see a man being dehumanised into a sex object.

That'll be interesting

he just laughed it off and said it’s only a joke and a “lads thing”
FFS why do men like this keep excusing their behaviour with this shit, thinking their wives and GFs are just stupid and will just go "oh yeah" and laugh it off. No, its jot a 'lads thing', its "his thing", a "creepy old perv thing". I think in general men like this havent got much going on intelligence or conversation wise so they think shit like this makes them look cool and edgy with their mates when it's just fucking sad.
Oh, and I dont know how old your kids are OP but it wont be long before they start picking up your and DH phones and seeing porn. But hey it's just a lads thing isnt it, no problem at all there

@cosmicbabe

My boyfriend gets sent numerous pics and dirty memes al the time. It's a lads thing. Whether it's right or wrong for you is down to you. I brush it off. What can you do?

Not put up with it?

My boyfriend gets sent numerous pics and dirty memes al the time. It's a lads thing. Whether it's right or wrong for you is down to you. I brush it off. What can you do?

Raise the bar?

Gross and immature