Dh getting and sending porn pics

[Jossen]

Hi. I’ve NC as use this forum a lot and don’t want to be recognised. I’ve been with my dh since I was 19, we are both 40. We’ve had minor ups and downs over the years but I wouldn’t say anything different to what other couples do. We have 2 amazing dc he’s a great dad and like I said apart from the odd argument we get on really well, things are good in the bedroom department etc. So, for a while now he has been getting messages off random work friends with silly pop up pics, like 10 second clips of porn vids, rude memes and videos of women flashing their boobs etc. Now before anyone accuses me (just assuming) of looking at his messages, we share a laptop and he often forgets to log his messenger out so when I login it’s right there. Plus he knows I’ve seen them and to be honest I have usually just laughed it off and called him immature. Thankfully the laptop is password protected and our kids don’t use it. But anyway I logged in this morning and he must have been on the laptop last night as a message was left open. It was a 10 second clip of a woman giving a BJ that he’d been sent and he then sent it to 4 other friends. I only see the message he’d been sent and didn’t click on any of his mates names who he’d sent it to. For the first time it actually bothered me. He’s hardly a young man in his 20’s just having a laugh with the lads he’s a grown man. I raised the subject with him before when our kids were out of ear shot and he just laughed it off and said it’s only a joke and a “lads thing”. I trust him 100% and honestly don’t think there’s anything more to it than him being a perv and a bit childish sending messages like this to his mates, but I’m irritated. Thoughts?

I'm with TheMurk on this. It goes with certain jobs as well imo, in a male bonding kind of way. All I can say is, it isn't sexual imo, even if the images are. I know a lot of medics and police who do it. It's an adult version of those xmas annuals - Ripley's believe it or not - the xrated version

Oh I meant to say ..with the professions thing ...they are a bit hardened to weird shit and use it as stress release, again just imo

95% indeed

95% is the approximate ownership rate for smartphones in the UK, so unless you're contending that all men who own a phone do this, you're talking rot.

From a man's perspective I think you shouldn't worry about this. If you have no issues about your relationship or your sex life then it's best to ignore your DHs porn use as long as it's legal adult images. Most guys use porn, that's just the way it is, many deny it to their partners and some partners believe their denials but the fact remains that a high proportion of internet searches, I think I read somewhere it's more than a quarter, are for porn.

I think sharing these images is a bit icky and I wouldn't do it personally, through I do watch porn, but as others have said this is not unusual amongst groups of male friends and the are more important things to worry about IMO.

I think it's grim. I'd expect an adult man to have grown out of something like this. It's not the looking at porn that bother me - it's the sharing it - it feels misogynistic.

Male bonding over the exploitation/degradation of women.

I think there are without doubt split opinions here.

My now ex got these and it never bothered me. Sometimes he’d send them into me.

We are all different and I don’t feel there’s a right or wrong answer.

Oh Jesus I met someone like you once @TheMurk - insistent that "all men do this and those that don't are liers". I remember just wondering what a narrow life she must have led.

There are whole swathes of men who genuinely do not care about porn. For many, i's not even a particularly principled position. They just don't get off on it. Some men don't like football, golf, whatever. As far as I can see, for many porn is just a "pass time" or "interest" like any other. It will appeal to some and not to others. (It's also exploitative in my opinion but I don't think you need to be a massive feminist to not like porn).

I'd say it's quite immature really...but both men and women are in these porn clips...so I wouldn't necessarily say it's misogyny.

People at the top of the porn industry are making money out of men and women. The sex industry makes money out of both genders.

There's a tone about some responses in this and similar threads, that women are incapable of making decisions for themselves and are always the victims.

Porn is porn... it has levels...I'm not talking about illegal porn of course...or distasteful porn...but even that's a matter of personal choice and opinion.

Male on male porn...is still porn...it doesn't feature women...is that misogynistic as well?

I think the word misogyny is thrown about anyhow these days.

Yeah, definitely mixed opinions. I have no issue with porn, although I don’t watch it now, I did do occasionally with my dh when we were younger and before we had our children. I don’t see what’s wrong with that despite most of you thinking it’s degrading to women. But personally, I wouldn’t dream of sending videos to friends, and that’s what’s bothered me really.

Sad misogynistic shit.

Anyone getting their kicks off from porn are creating a demand for the possible trafficking, abuse and humiliation of women and girls.

There are men getting away quite literally with murder these days using "sex gone wrong " as their defence. I wonder where they get the ideas for how they degrade and batter these poor women from ...

I don't really think it's a sexual thing, it's just sad really.

Porn can be found so easily so it's not like they're doing their friends a favour by sending them something to get aroused...and if they were sending it to their mates to arouse them then that would just be plain weird!

I think it's more like hey hey look at this, i'm sending it on to you to prove i'm a red blooded male who likes looking at this kind of stuff.

Sad misogynistic shit
Exactly this. I can just imagine the type of man he is, his type of humour, the 'bantz' with the lads. Cant imagine being with someone who thinks hes oh so cool sending porn to his mates. Pretty pathetic really.

I don’t see what’s wrong with that despite most of you thinking it’s degrading to women

I don't see porn as of itself as necessarily degrading to women, but a bunch of blokes passing it between themselves like sniggering naughty schoolboys is what makes it degrading. What sort of "banter" do you think goes along with that sort of shit?

That’s the thing though he isn’t the type of man you’re imagining, or indeed the stereotypical kind you’d expect to send messages like this. To be honest that’s why I was so surprised, it’s so out of character. We’ve known each other since we were kids and been together for years and this is the first time we’ve had this kind of issue.

Entertainment for knuckle draggers or those posing as knuckle draggers to fit in.

Refinement...get some. 😬🤡

That's why you're upset, because he's acting in a way you don't think fits with his character. So, either, he's weak and is going along with it to be "one of the lads" or he is like that.

You'd think that someone would tell them that it's embarrassing to refer to yourself as a lad after the age of 25.

I'm "not the type" either - Good job, very respectable, pillar of the community, been with my DW 30 years, active sex life. But I watch porn regularly.

Didn't you say you wouldn't share images and think it's a bit icky, tho?

Thanks it’s helpful to get a male perspective on the matter. I’ve spoken with my dh just before he went to bed and he has apologised for upsetting me and has said he’ll lay off sending stuff to his mates. He said that he didn’t realise it had upset me so much as usually I’m laid back, and honest hasn’t really told him my true feelings on the matter.

I don't think the problem is watching porn... Accessing and choosing and watching your own porn is one thing...

Forwarding porn material to workmates and friends is just icky and creepy . It smacks of trying far too hard .... Do they talk about how they masturbated to this one , or about how that one made them hard? Ewww

I’m not sure but I can’t see my dh discussing sex with his mates. I know that sounds naive of me, considering I wouldn’t have expected him to send porn pics to his mates, but in real life he’s fairly quiet and reserved. He’s good at his job and has worked his way up the ladder and although he’s not overly confident in himself he’s himself and doesn’t usually go out of his way to try and fit in with anyone, so I do wonder why he felt the need to share those pics.

Newsflash Anothernick. Women watch porn too. Forwarding it to your mates though is creepy and weird and it's hard to believe anyone over the age of 15 does it.