Dh getting and sending porn pics

[Jossen]

Hi. I’ve NC as use this forum a lot and don’t want to be recognised. I’ve been with my dh since I was 19, we are both 40. We’ve had minor ups and downs over the years but I wouldn’t say anything different to what other couples do. We have 2 amazing dc he’s a great dad and like I said apart from the odd argument we get on really well, things are good in the bedroom department etc. So, for a while now he has been getting messages off random work friends with silly pop up pics, like 10 second clips of porn vids, rude memes and videos of women flashing their boobs etc. Now before anyone accuses me (just assuming) of looking at his messages, we share a laptop and he often forgets to log his messenger out so when I login it’s right there. Plus he knows I’ve seen them and to be honest I have usually just laughed it off and called him immature. Thankfully the laptop is password protected and our kids don’t use it. But anyway I logged in this morning and he must have been on the laptop last night as a message was left open. It was a 10 second clip of a woman giving a BJ that he’d been sent and he then sent it to 4 other friends. I only see the message he’d been sent and didn’t click on any of his mates names who he’d sent it to. For the first time it actually bothered me. He’s hardly a young man in his 20’s just having a laugh with the lads he’s a grown man. I raised the subject with him before when our kids were out of ear shot and he just laughed it off and said it’s only a joke and a “lads thing”. I trust him 100% and honestly don’t think there’s anything more to it than him being a perv and a bit childish sending messages like this to his mates, but I’m irritated. Thoughts?

I know , I just... Do people share videos and never talk about them...why share them then?

It's a whole world out there I don't really participate in , but I work in engineering (I'm in the office) and these guys are crude and just. ... Sometimes you would not believe what comes out of their mouths.... And I truly think they are being polite around me (based on what they are capable of) .

I'm digressing . If they never talked about it , what would be the point in sending it?

I'm imagining if it caught on with women... Ooh I got my womaniser out last night to the cowboy video... it was a happy ending!! Sorry , I'm laughing. This isn't my world.

DH has got a whatsapp chat with his golf mates. Some of the shit they share on it is horrendous. We've spoken about it, and I said I don't care if he looks at whatever is sent, but if he shares it/sends it, then its a different ballgame.

They're all on FB too, and DH stupidly didn't realise that all your friends get to see things you've liked (FB settings are well over his head, he's dyslexic). That did cause an argument when questionable pages he'd been sent a link to then liked kept appearing on my news feed. He was told to pack it in or remove my family and friends pronto including our DDs...........

it’s only a joke and a “lads thing

He's not a lad.

How is a woman giving a blow job a joke?

Sleazy, creepy, immature, would make me very uncomfortable.

*I said I don't care if he looks at whatever is sent, but if he shares it/sends it, then its a different ballgame."

Yep you can't help what you're sent (unless you choose to.opt out of the group chat of course) .. but you can help forwarding it. Then you're not an inactive recipient, you're an active participant.

I know he’s not a lad. I’m not excusing it at all, hence my frustration.

DH has got a whatsapp chat with his golf mates.

I briefly dated a divorcing middie aged man who told me that he and his golf buddies (all married dads and often grand dad's) commonly went to brothels on golf trips ...
When you see what they send each other, and hear something like that, you tend to think there's a mentality behind it that is not just "fun" and messing around if and when the have the opportunity.

Ugh, gross.

It's such boring, pathetic lads nonsense. This isn't so much about the porn as the sharing. If there was no porn but they were sitting there sniggering about 'the tits on that one' it would be just as boring and pathetic.

If a grown man hasn't figured out how to avoid peer pressure, it's shockingly unattractive.

I know he’s not a lad. I’m not excusing it at all, hence my frustration.

I know you know he's not a lad . I meant his excuse was that's it's lad stuff - and it's bullshit because he's not a lad.hes not a teenage or early twenties immature "lad".

He presumably means "mens stuff", just how men behave .. well it's how sleazy, chauvanist, disrespectful men behave.

I'd be similarly hacked off and uncomfortable.

*chauvinist

Yeah I get what you’re saying. I just don’t know what to think if I’m being honest. Other than this I can’t really fault our relationship. In 20 years he’s barely raised his voice to me more than a couple of times, he treats me really well, is a great dad, doesn’t go out drinking regularly, usually goes out with his mates twice a year max for his birthday and works Xmas party that‘s it, he gets stuck in helping around the house and rarely lies in of a weekend even though he works long hours during the week. In fact, compared to some of the posts I read on here, I have it rather good on the whole I think.

When I worked for the NHS, the 99% female secretaries (some of them anyway) used to send each other similar stuff bit usually of men eg a "fireman" (model dressed as one) pulling down his trousers to show a 9in cock (well maybe not 9 in. but it was big) on a loop.

I'd be interested to know how many of these guys would be all chilled and happy with their partners exchanging and forwarding stuff like that.
I'd do it to illustrate a point, in my experience they like objectifying women but they don't like it so much when women objectify men sexually.

Of course posters on here will say you're stoopng to their level etc.

@TheMurk

I expect 95% of the hetero male population is in various WhatsApp groups where various types of porn and rude or disgusting jokes or memes are shared on a daily or hourly basis.

I don’t think any of them are sharing these clips for the wank bank.

It’s just male banter and we don’t get it (although male and female is just a made up concept and we are all the same yadda yadda etc etc )

They’re really not....

Given the above I'd try;

Talking to him and saying it makes you uncomfortable, lowers your opinion of him, it's v sleazy etc. As above that you can't help what you receive but forwarding is something else. How would he feel.if you were forwarding vids of men pulling their cock.out, or giving oral? Blah blah.

(Though perhaps you e already tried a d all you've got is what you've relayed).

Alternatively, exchanging such material (with men obviously) with an up for it female friend and making it easy for him to realise. See how it is with him when the shoes on the other foot. Some posters will.no doubt say this isn't the way to go.

@Etinox how sweetly naive.

Well, I'll say that I am pretty certain that none of my male friends are in such a WhatsApp group. My husband certainly isn't. And I would bet a grand each on my ten closest guy friends not being part of one either.

(I am actually now sitting here very tickled imagining what would happen if one of them sent another porn. Their faces!)

It's not because they don't like women or don't like sex, it's because they're grownups.

OP, could you talk to him and tell him how you feel? That you don't mind what he does privately but that sharing it makes you feel really uncomfortable. I can imagine that would be an excruciating conversation to have, but I think it's better than sitting around being grossed out/angry/frustrated/sad about it.

Yeah I’ve had a quick chat with him before he went to bed but we’ve agreed that we’ll talk properly tomorrow when he gets in from work. He didn’t look mortified he seemed upset that he’d upset me if you like.

I think that sounds like a win Jossen, I think it sounds like he will take your feelings into consideration. There's not much more you can ask really.

I agree--I'm really glad you've spoken and he's reacted that way. It was almost certainly thoughtless rather than malicious, and while I would still worry about what it meant more broadly about his instincts, I would be comforted that his instinct is also to respect you and not want to hurt you.

I kept trying to find a way of describing what I don't like about men sharing porn in this way.... It's just too intimate , that's what I don't like about it. I would want sex to be between me and my partner, not me and my friends. I've got nothing against (ethically) produced porn , but either by myself or with my partner ( single at the minute). I think that's it. Maybe if someone could explain to me why it isn't intimate I could understand it... But I don't think they could.

@NoHardSell

I'm with TheMurk on this. It goes with certain jobs as well imo, in a male bonding kind of way. All I can say is, it isn't sexual imo, even if the images are. I know a lot of medics and police who do it. It's an adult version of those xmas annuals - Ripley's believe it or not - the xrated version

Yes. And men used to have Pirelli calendars and Page 3 in the workplace.

If males need this to 'bond' then I despair.

Do they not have daughters, some of them? And other women in their lives they respect?

Great, the police officers are trading porn. I bet that kind of work culture didn't contribute to this kind of horrific misogyny at all www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-53185177

[quote TheMurk]@Etinox how sweetly naive.[/quote]
What swamplife you must know.

Your husband is very immature. What he is doing - even though he may not have started it - is schoolboy stuff. The difference is schoolboys get in trouble for doing it if they are caught!

Are the people in the video clip people that they know? Is that why they're forwarding it around? Some bloke from work perhaps? Because I imagine there could be repercussions for forwarding that. I cant imagine why anyone would download a clip from a website to send round when porn is so readily available. Very odd.