Dh getting and sending porn pics

[Jossen]

Hi. I’ve NC as use this forum a lot and don’t want to be recognised. I’ve been with my dh since I was 19, we are both 40. We’ve had minor ups and downs over the years but I wouldn’t say anything different to what other couples do. We have 2 amazing dc he’s a great dad and like I said apart from the odd argument we get on really well, things are good in the bedroom department etc. So, for a while now he has been getting messages off random work friends with silly pop up pics, like 10 second clips of porn vids, rude memes and videos of women flashing their boobs etc. Now before anyone accuses me (just assuming) of looking at his messages, we share a laptop and he often forgets to log his messenger out so when I login it’s right there. Plus he knows I’ve seen them and to be honest I have usually just laughed it off and called him immature. Thankfully the laptop is password protected and our kids don’t use it. But anyway I logged in this morning and he must have been on the laptop last night as a message was left open. It was a 10 second clip of a woman giving a BJ that he’d been sent and he then sent it to 4 other friends. I only see the message he’d been sent and didn’t click on any of his mates names who he’d sent it to. For the first time it actually bothered me. He’s hardly a young man in his 20’s just having a laugh with the lads he’s a grown man. I raised the subject with him before when our kids were out of ear shot and he just laughed it off and said it’s only a joke and a “lads thing”. I trust him 100% and honestly don’t think there’s anything more to it than him being a perv and a bit childish sending messages like this to his mates, but I’m irritated. Thoughts?

Christ, some of you have low standards.

@VitreousHumour

95% - that's ridiculous. And male and female are not made up concepts. Men who share this stuff with other men are using it to 'other' women. To dehumanise them as a class. It's important that they share with other men, as a class.

^^

This

I would have serious reservations about a man in his 40s who does this.

I really couldn’t get worked up about this.

Yes it’s juvenile but imo not the end of the world.

I’m also not seeing the misogyny. I know plenty of male gay friends who share porn clips of guys.

Also, I know a couple of women - not close friends - and they only ever message to send me this kind of stuff with guys in. I’m not offended but I don’t find it titillating either. Kind of boring. “Oh look, there’s a cock being wanged around. How original....” I’m not interested so I just delete.

I think it’s kind of a bonding thing - no different than sharing a funny meme. I find it juvenile and trivial but ultimately just uninteresting.

If you object to porn, I understand why this would bother you. But you say you don’t mind about porn at all so why is this any different? Just curious if you can pinpoint the issue.

Just to be clear - I’m not criticising anyone who finds this upsetting and likewise, I don’t want snarky comments aimed at me about low standards. We are all different - and I’m not even a cool, unjealous kind of partner so it’s weird for be to be in the small minority of the meh camp! 😂

Seen your update. It’s lovely that you’ve talked to him and even lovelier that he expressed concern about unintentionally upsetting you. Sounds like it can be easily resolved. From all what you’ve said, despite this juvenile habit, he sounds like a keeper.

If it irks you then fair enough. That’s all that matters. We all have things that bother us and you don’t need to defend how you feel. I just wanted to voice a slightly different perspective.

@Anothernick

From a man's perspective I think you shouldn't worry about this. If you have no issues about your relationship or your sex life then it's best to ignore your DHs porn use as long as it's legal adult images. Most guys use porn, that's just the way it is, many deny it to their partners and some partners believe their denials but the fact remains that a high proportion of internet searches, I think I read somewhere it's more than a quarter, are for porn.

I think sharing these images is a bit icky and I wouldn't do it personally, through I do watch porn, but as others have said this is not unusual amongst groups of male friends and the are more important things to worry about IMO.

This.

Also: I noticed that around 38 my DP started doing kind of teenage, boy-gang stuff. Yes the sharing 'hilarious' porn clips. Also liking to have whole boys' nights just literally drinking until 5am etc. (I made the sandwiches and left them to it ...). Really established by 40. I think it might be some kind of mid-life crisis thing?!

Anyhow, OP: rest assured thousands if not millions of guys do the same. It's stupid but not something to stress about in what sounds like a pretty perfect DH.

Anyhow, OP: rest assured thousands if not millions of guys do the same
Yes thousands of immature, pathetic idiots. I cant imagine anyone over the age of 15 thinking it was hilarious to send clips of blow jobs to their friends.

I am absolutely loving though the image of a wild, 'boys only' mid life crisis fuelled drinking binge with the wife circulating with cucumber sandwiches

I don't find it very reassuring that thousands or millions of blokes do this and think it's OK. Bleurgh.

Or that women are supposed to wave it off.

And making sandwiches for them

I don’t get it? Are they trying to turn each other on? Show each other what they like? I just don’t understand?

I watch porn, but I wouldn’t share it with anyone. I don’t mind porn, I’m not prudish, but, isn’t that just a bit weird?

You made sandwiches for your dh to eat with his mates while they were sharing "hilarious" porn clip and drinking all night melloww?

Do you think you could get your bar any lower if you tried?

I’ve never thought of having a sandwich whilst watching porn lol.

Perhaps next time I’ll try it? Cheese and pickle ok?

@DBML

I don’t get it? Are they trying to turn each other on? Show each other what they like? I just don’t understand?

I watch porn, but I wouldn’t share it with anyone. I don’t mind porn, I’m not prudish, but, isn’t that just a bit weird?

It's the equivalent of sending out those cutesy memes about living your best life, or alternatively about how if you don't like a mask then you won't like a ventilator. As much thought goes into clicking send, and as much thought goes into looking at the picture. If you know why people send those stupid memes round (cos I have no clue) then that's your answer for the dodgy porn stuff as well. Imo of course.

I’ve never thought of having a sandwich whilst watching porn lol. Perhaps next time I’ll try it? Cheese and pickle ok?

Has to be sausage surely DBML

@NoHardSell

Ah, well I don’t send those either, so perhaps that explains my lack of understanding.
Thanks!!

@XiCi

😂 lol!

@Arrivederla

You made sandwiches for your dh to eat with his mates while they were sharing "hilarious" porn clip and drinking all night melloww?

Do you think you could get your bar any lower if you tried?

No not quite. This is all snowballing into a caricature of monstrous proportions! 😂😂

Firstly, I should have said EX DP. For obvious reasons.

Secondly, no the boys 'hilarious' (hideous) porn clip round robins were separate to the boys' nights.

Thirdly, I said I made sandwiches and LEFT THEM TO IT. And I made them because it would all have been even worse on empty stomachs.

Fourthly, it was also cultural (non-UK) / work-related / socioeconomic class related behaviour.

(And for my own social standing on MN - as I said, ex).

The point for OP was that certain groups of men react to turning 40 by behaving like undesirable teenagers.

(I was joking when I said 'social' standing on MN)

The point for OP was that certain groups of men react to turning 40 by behaving like undesirable teenagers

And certain types of women enable them.

@Arrivederla

The point for OP was that certain groups of men react to turning 40 by behaving like undesirable teenagers

And certain types of women enable them.

Yes and others don't - they say no thank you and end the relationship. It's a question of enforcing boundaries. However, some things are a judgement call and in some situations compromise is the most productive path.

I don't think what the OP's DH is doing, by the sound of it, is grounds for terminating him. But some people on here are very black and white.

Nobody on here is the Oracle, though.

Decent people don't slam others.

It’s a form of male bonding I think, maybe with a dash of the sender proving their heterosexuality.

I was in a group like this. I’ve no problem with porn but didn’t want these photos and videos on my phone, so had to discreetly remove myself from the group.

I think my main issue was that kids could easily access the phone.

I am in another group where I sometimes get meme pictures of men with erections (along with other non sexual memes). I’m still lin that group, for the moment!

I would speak to husband and ask how he would feel if his child saw the pics.