If you found a vibrator in your DH’s drawer...

[Applesarenotoranges]

Specifically, if you found 2 new vibrators, an enema and already knew about a butt plug.

None used with you...

What would you think?

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why would it need to be discussed before marriage?

If I wanted a bi or gay husband I would have married one, and as I married someone straight I would expect him to be completely truthful about who is from the very beginning. That is called honesty. You can not have trust without honesty.

I would not want to marry a bi or gay man because I would never feel confident that our sex life is enough for him, and it would make me constantly insecure, and I have no desire whatsoever to live my life like that.

I value security, honesty and transparency in all of my relationships, and anything else would be unacceptable to me. As is MY choice.

Why is everyone assuming he's gay or bisexual?

If a woman posted that her girlfriend used a vibrator would you assume that she was actually straight or bisexual? Or that she was having an affair?

Automatically assuming that he must be gay/bi shows the stigma against a man who enjoys his G-spot being stimulated.

I’d think as long as it isn’t indicative of an affair, I’d think it is up to him what he does with his own body for pleasure, and not my business to police him.

What I would do is just ask him.
If I couldn’t ask him I’d wonder why my marriage is fucked.

Thanks for all your messages. I must admit I have found some of the messages and suggestions on here upsetting and have been trying not to get paranoid.

Some more info. This is what I think. I am trying not to sound naive and have weighed up the info. I do feel I know him but this thread has made me a bit niggly.

I’m thinking he prob uses them in hotel as he has more time/space. He’s not away that much, but it is regularly. He usually texts or FaceTimes me while he’s away, including just before he goes to sleep, so I think he was be pressed to be using this stuff with someone else. He has only taken 1 vibrator away. I checked back in the drawer while he was away. The other one looks unused.

I forgot about this, but just after I found them, at one stage during sex I suggested we share his toys and he said we could charge this (blue one) up. I think maybe the buy 1 get 1 half price suggestion was right.He also suggested we use the butt plug together sometime... so maybe not quite so secretive as I first made out. I suspect he ‘graduated’ into the vibes from the butt plug, which was quite small.

I wondered about the enema but have looked it up and it is sometimes recommended. I assumed it would be like anal sex for females which can get quite messy He can get quite squeamish so maybe being err empty would solve that.

His straightforward response when I found them makes me believe he was not hiding them but was just keeping them there.

The above makes me think I can give him the benefit of the doubt.

I know that some couples use enemas but I don't think most people would bother with that if just using them on themselves.

Arthuurthingy- As I said myself, anal vibrators are a thing but they tend to be smaller than a normal vibrator to be used on a woman. As OP doesn't mention them looking any different to normal ones, I would assume they're normal ones.

@Applesarenotoranges If you like the idea I would mention to him that you came across them, and ask him if he'd like you to use anything like that on him. If you don't particularly like the idea then best not to mention it probably.

There's nothing particularly gay/bi about blokes liking their prostate stimulated BTW, it just feels good to them.

I wouldn't be arsed doing anything like that with a partner again though I don't think. My ex put me off the whole thing by liking it too much.

Agree with a previous comment.

If a woman had toys and a man questioned her use of them you’d all be up in arms saying leave the bastard, he’s policing your personal pleasure.

Doublestandardsnet.com

Sorry, meant to add to my already long message that on a different occasion when it was raised, he said he’s not bi or gay and has only ever been interested in other men in a “how big is his compared to mine” sort of way. I don’t think there was much to fear from this.

As he's been open when the OP brought it up and she already knew about a butt plug, I'm not getting this whole thing so many posters are having about it being some horrible relationship ending secret that must mean something terrible.

I mean, does everyone else discuss every masturbation related purchase with their spouse? I've definitely bought lubes and toys and put them away without discussing it. If he found them, I'd react much as the OP's spouse has.

Sure, the worst is a possibility, but it's really not as impossible for someone to use an enema for themselves - it's a thing - or for a guy to use butt toys on their own without it meaning that they're cheating or want to have sex with someone else as some seem to think (even if he is bi, which I see no reason to suspect just from using vibrators for anal stimulation and on the long shot possibility he is, plenty don't know until later life).

I get why, if it's coming out of left field, that it could make some uncomfortable and totally uninterested & not want it in sight, but I'm not getting jumping from a couple sex toys to divorce. From what the OP has said, I think this just needs a few conversations about whether or not she wants to be involved in it.

just after I found them, at one stage during sex I suggested we share his toys and he said we could charge this (blue one) up

Ah ok. Just don't do anything you personally don't enjoy and if you find you don't like it/go off it, stop doing it.

Perhaps he doesn't want to start a conversation which he feels might upset the OP, who has said in an earlier post "but if I had a vibrator, I'm not sure I would want him to question me about it." If he feels she doesn't like to talk about toys why would he start telling her? And she has had the opportunity to begin the dialogue and only said that she'd found the toys and nothing more, not exactly an encouraging response for him.

@Applesarenotoranges, I'm not saying you must have any conversation that makes you uncomfortable but your husband may well think he is being kind and considerate by not mentioning this.

Thank you recent posters! Yes, I think there’s more talking that needs to be done...

Its up to you what you feel comfortable with op. It would not be something that I would feel happy with, but each to their own :)

I feel like this thread is from the 80's!! Jaysus, people thinking he is gay for wanting some stimulation from a plastic toy. To he gay he would be wanting another man's dick. I feel sorry for a lot of the partners on this thread. No wonder men hide so much from you. If I use a double vibrator it doesn't mean I want another man to join me in bed, it's just a bit of plastic for pleasure.
The judgment on here is quite something.

pigeon999 well I’m pleased you’ve always felt sure of who you are but it’s not like that for everyone. The replies on this thread might give you an idea why a man wouldn’t want to be vocal about being bi.

Agree with a previous comment.

If a woman had toys and a man questioned her use of them you’d all be up in arms saying leave the bastard, he’s policing your personal pleasure.

Doublestandardsnet.com

^
Agree with this.
Who cares how he masturbates? He's not doing anything illegal or harmful. It doesn't make him gay/bi. It doesn't mean he's cheating.

It sounds fine op. He just likes to use toys, doesn’t mean he’s cheating.

when I was married I hid my vibrators (including anal ones) as xH was very unadventurous and would have felt threatened by them. I also didn't share my sexual fantasies with him for the same reason.

With my current partner, I'm very open about it as is he. He also has anal vibrators as he likes prostate massage, sometimes we include them and sometimes we don't and sometimes we both just have a session on our own (he's away a lot too).

I'd assume that it's something he finds pleasurable, but has, rightly or wrongly, decided it's not something that you're interested in sharing and therefore keeps it to himself. The fact that he answered very openly suggests it may be something he'd like to explore with you, only you can decided if that's something that you'd enjoy doing (and it's perfectly ok not to, just as it's perfectly ok for him to do it on his own).

Btw, being gay or bi means that you find men sexually attractive, NOT that you find anal play stimulating (although the 2 may go together). I've still got suspicions that xH is a repressed gay/bi and was so scared of it he shut down any sexual experimentation whatsoever. Current partner is most definitely not

@pigeon999

why would it need to be discussed before marriage?

If I wanted a bi or gay husband I would have married one, and as I married someone straight I would expect him to be completely truthful about who is from the very beginning. That is called honesty. You can not have trust without honesty.

I would not want to marry a bi or gay man because I would never feel confident that our sex life is enough for him, and it would make me constantly insecure, and I have no desire whatsoever to live my life like that.

I value security, honesty and transparency in all of my relationships, and anything else would be unacceptable to me. As is MY choice.

Please examine your biphobia.

OP my DP won't let us use them during sex because he's worried about what could potentially happen... I am the same although we have used them before. But it does make you feel a bit concerned...

It genuinely wouldn't matter if someone is bi - it makes no sense. Some people don't even realise they are attracted to the same sex until they meet someone they deem attractive.

It makes no difference to your marriage. So much phobia on here

He's a bit kinky, your DH.
You could go there with him... or not.
The enema's kind of gross and weird. That's the one thing that makes me wonder about other people being involved. I find it hard to believe that he just does enemas for his own cleanliness and well-being.
Sorry if it's not what you want to hear, but you did ask. And I did read your follow-up. If I were you, I'd only have one question for your DH: Are you fucking around behind my back? That's all I'd want to know the answer to.

My ex partner admitted to me having a vibration. Orgasms in that region are supposed to be pretty intense.

Please examine your biphobia

It makes no difference to your marriage. So much phobia on here

Ffs that word is becoming almost meaningless.

Wanting your partner to be truthful about their sexuality, before you enter into a commitment, is not ‘phobic’!

Not wanting to have a relationship with a person because they are bi, is not ‘phobic’.

The equality act doesn’t ensure fair access to people’s genitals.

It is there to stop real phobia. Which is undermined by this weird rapey thing going on on mumsnet lately. People can say no to a personal relationship for ANY reason, including if that reason is because you are bi.

He's a bit kinky, your DH.

@TheVanguardSix I don't see a man liking anal stuff as kinky, though he does sound fairly keen on it I suppose. I agree that the enema thing is unusual, but OP says he's quite fastidious.

But it's not like my ex who got nothing out of 'normal' sex, PIV.

Dhalmeup- The biphobic comments IMHO was when people commented/implied that they would be concerned that a bi person would shag around. Bi people are entirely capable of monogamy/not cheating. I'm bi and I've never cheated on a partner with someone of the opposite sex to them, and I imagine that holds true for most bi people.

The biphobic comments IMHO was when people commented/implied that they would be concerned that a bi person would shag around. Bi people are entirely capable of monogamy/not cheating.

Of course that is true, everyone is capable of monogamy.

But it isn’t biphobic for someone to worry that they might not be able meet all of the partners sexual needs, whatever they were.

We should really keep the ‘phobic’ words for when it is actually phobia/a hate crime or they just become diluted. Not others internal thoughts or worries.