My husband said I had a gunt and I'm so fucking hurt

[frillyflamingo]

We fell out today over something trivial at my parents and then got in the car to come home. We were bickering about it on the way home and he said he was annoyed and wanted to go home because I was walking round with a gunt swilling wine and I looked like an embarrassment.

I had a baby 15 weeks ago, so I'm not looking my best. This hasn't really done anything to boost my self esteem if I'm honest. I did have a large glass of wine (with ice) but it's Sunday, I wasn't driving, I didn't think it was an issue.

He's not apologetic, he went upstairs when we got home and left me to do bath and bedtime for both children.

I'm so unbelievably hurt that I gave birth 15 weeks ago, I've been steadily loosing at 1-2lbs a week and now I feel ridiculous and so embarrassed that's what my husband thinks of me. He does sometimes say really cutting things like that, never anything this bad. I feel so deflated and shit. I struggled through bedtime and now I'm just sat quietly crying. Who is this cunt I'm married to.

Sorry, pity party for one.

I am so sorry lovely to hear this, I'd be hurt too. I can feel you!
Your husband sounds despicable, what an awful thing to say to someone who just gave birth, and is the mother of his 2 kids.

An utter twat!
Please don't talk to him and go leave at your parents or somewhere else to teach him a lesson that this 'gunt' has feelings and deserves more. Let him come in terms with his own mess!
Xx

The thing about this sort of comment is that once you forgive/accept, he is very very likely to stoop just as low again because he’ll have taken the message that he CAN.

If you’re not going to leave, you must at least make it crystal clear that if her ever stoops so low again, you’ll be out the door in a shot. And you have to mean it.

Personally, I’d be gone. I could never let a man near me again after he’d insulted me in such a disgusting manner. The trust and love would just be gone.

Be like “mate don’t worry about that gunt, cause you won’t be going anywhere near it again” !

Yes this all sounds familiar including the sulking at my family’s house. Then the getting home and him flouncing off. It happened so many times in my first marriage, and the digs and nasty comments to put me down. Oh and he used to tell me I couldn’t leave him as I would have nowhere else to go!!
Yeah I left with two suitcases and two kids, and never looked back.

You say he’s a great dad OP, I used to say the same thing. But actually these men are not great dads - because of the way they behave to the mother of their children. You and your kids deserve better.

Bide your time if you need to (I did). But don’t put up with this crap much longer.

@missyB1

Yes this all sounds familiar including the sulking at my family’s house. Then the getting home and him flouncing off. It happened so many times in my first marriage, and the digs and nasty comments to put me down. Oh and he used to tell me I couldn’t leave him as I would have nowhere else to go!! Yeah I left with two suitcases and two kids, and never looked back.

You say he’s a great dad OP, I used to say the same thing. But actually these men are not great dads - because of the way they behave to the mother of their children. You and your kids deserve better.

Bide your time if you need to (I did). But don’t put up with this crap much longer.

[clapping]

I agree with Missy, a great dad doesn't treat the mother of his children like that. If you stay with him you'll be making excuses and allowances for him for the rest of your life - bigger and bigger ones - and your children will learn from the example of your relationship how women are to be treated by men. Would you want your daughter to marry a man like your dh? Or someone who loves her, treasures her and wants only the best for her and would never make her feel like you do now?

So he made the awful comment to you... tell his sister and mother, surely they must be that hateful word too if you are ?!
Bet you any money he'd never say it to them and be v cross if someone said to his family.
Take time, weigh things up and if you don't leave try and both find ways to not use such childish and inflammatory language as you can see it doesn't take long to escalate x

Presumably this man still expects to have a physical relationship with you? My god.

It is a fucking disgusting thing to say to the woman who has just had his child. I would not be able to relax and enjoy myself in bed with him ever again.

I do hope he's Brad Pitt circa 1999. Taut and toned and unfailingly gorgeous? Well, is he?

A prince, OP. Start to make plans now for life without the twunt you live with. It will sustain you as you recover from giving birth. Time spent with him is a waste of time. Gather your strength then lose him as he'll never give you the support that you need and obviously gains pleasure from making you unhappy.

I’m so sorry that you have been treated in this way - it is beyond the pale.
Men often lash out at new mums in the weeks after childbirth (new priorities and routine can be stressful and leave the man feeling a bit like the third wheel) but this is in another category in its intent to devalue and humiliate.
You are already tied together for life as parents, and for the sake of your kids you and he might be able to salvage your relationship as parents.
I am not so sure as life partners and lovers - the nature and level of this betrayal seems insurmountable to me and to most on this thread. Please very carefully about the kind of life you can realistically have with this person. Hard enough to be a respectful co parent, harder still to maintain a loving relationship as the background against which your children will model their behaviors and values on.
You are a Woman and Mother, you and your body deserve the respect due for what you have achieved - your husband appears not only cruel and disrespectful but very immature in his expectations that your body should conform to his view of attractiveness at all, but especially after you have performed the little miracle of a new life.
Respect and congratulations to you on becoming a mum again - good luck too with finding a good life for you and Dc

@frillyflamingo, I understand completely why you are hesitant to leave not only your home, but also, your marriage.

Your husband is contrite today, but that contrition, I assume, won’t extend to your next argument. I think you both need to learn new ways of arguing. I have been married decades, and not once have I called my husband a name in the heat of anger, nor has he called me a name.

Perhaps some counselling would help you to learn more effective methods of communication and arguing.

Why would he come to the conclusion you were hanging up on him regarding parenting. If everything worked in your marriage this thought wouldn’t pass through his brain.

Perhaps you need to take a step back and really take a look at the kind of marriage you have.

His issue was that he felt my mother, sister and I were forming some bitch pack to criticise his parenting, which we absolutely were not but I can see how he has drawn that conclusion- it's not an excuse to tell me I've got a gunt though, absolutely not. He has said he's horrified he said that and he didn't think I had a gunt, he just said it to hurt me.

Basically what he has said there is if he feels criticised by you, he feels entitled to abuse you.

Don't step out of line or he will hurt you (verbally at the moment).

My ex-H said similar to me, that I went on at him in rows and he just said horrible stuff to shut me up, he didn't mean it. Because there was a kernel of truth in what he said, I let it go. Ended up walking on eggshells and modifying my behaviour all ths time so as not to trigger his abusive side.

He was training me, and it was effective. Your husband is doing the same. He feels justified in hurting you, is what it boils down to. With a side order of isolating you from your family by making them part of the problem too.

Please be careful with this man.

I can think of (a hundred) better ways of dealing with it if he truly felt you and his female relatives were ganging up on him about his parenting.

Like saying that to you ("I don't appreciate you and X ganging up on me about a,b,c").

Instead he chose to sulk and then lash out at you with something very very nasty and derogatory. He admits he said it wholly purposefully to hurt you.

As the poster said above, he thinks feeling criticised entitles him to abuse you. And by fk he stoops low in doing so. You don't,not would most people.

He's horrified at himself - sorry, I have to roll my eyes at that one. Did he have an outer body experience.

I'd also advise thinking and hard about him/the relationship and having an exit plan.

Oh dear
This shit drives me insane he said what he said he's a shitty human being.
He showed u his true colors ,stop trying to repaint him
He is vile his mask slipped .
Get the courage and kick him clean out the door I wouldn't budge if I were you he needs to go
Justifying what he said is just another part of the abuse syndrome
You don't deserve that girl and neither do your lovely kiddos x
He's a giant cunt !

Do people just not bother reading the thread or at least the OP's responses?

She can't kick him out of the house, the house is with the husband's job.

Some people have no fucking idea how hard it is to leave someone with two young kids. She might have the most supportive parents in the world but you don't know whether they can house her longer term? At 15 weeks PP she's likely to be on piss poor mat pay. How do all these people saying LTB expect her to just do this?

@MaconVillagesisgoodchardonnay

Do people just not bother reading the thread or at least the OP's responses?

She can't kick him out of the house, the house is with the husband's job.

Some people have no fucking idea how hard it is to leave someone with two young kids. She might have the most supportive parents in the world but you don't know whether they can house her longer term? At 15 weeks PP she's likely to be on piss poor mat pay. How do all these people saying LTB expect her to just do this?

You are absolutely right. I understand you and the OP. It's tough to live when you don't have strong financial support and you have just given birth.

But I think the majority here care and are concerned about her future and putting up with this man. Perhaps, suggesting to leave now is too much but it does no harm to a) put him in his place but treating him with the same coin she was served and b) having it in the back of her head that leaving him might be a good idea.

We all throw suggestions based on our own experiences and wisdom at the end of the day, but we are not walking the walk in the OP's shoes.

OPs husband obviously should not of said what he said.
I don’t think she should move out and get a divorce it’s FAR TOO EXTREME!! Now of all times FGS.

If you can understand how he may have felt ganged up on by you, your DM and Dsis, then perhaps reflection on your interactions and communication is required.

Hurling insults at each other is not a healthy way to deal with issues at all. Your DC will hear this as they grow up and could normalise it.

My DM used to do this when she was annoyed, but she did it so much it didn't mean anything.

I have a number of names I could call my husband and I do think are the case during arguments, but I never say them.......because once the words leave your mouth, they can't be unheard.

No knee jerk reactions OP.
Take stock. Really think things through.
At 51 I've never heard that term before and it is absolutely vile.
At least he has now said he can't believe he said it.
But he did and the hurt will continue for a while yet.
If you both hurl insults regularly and you want to save your marriage then you really need to work with each other to resolve these issues.
He needs to give you a very heartfelt apology for what he said.
And you need to talk, with a 3rd party if necessary.
This cannot continue.
It is such a misogynistic word I'm very surprised he doesn't show his hatred toward women and you in more ways.
I hope he doesn't.!
You need a very big chat later today to get the healing process started.

Yup I realise this but she doesn't have to wash his clothes, cook his food or sleep with him.

This man did not say this because he felt you and your family were ganging up on him about his parenting (because that did not happen). He flounced off for the evening so that he could have time to make up an excuse for that disgusting insult. Note that he blamed you and your family for the horrible thing he did. But its on him, its only on him. He used that word to insult his wife and the mum of his children. It is truly shocking. I don't say leave him because I can imagine how hard that is with a new baby. I would say he should suffer serious consequences for what he has done and that he is not just forgiven. He should work for that forgiveness and show you that he would never treat you like that again. Otherwise, long term plans to go.

I, like many others have never heard that term, likewise my husband hasn’t either. It is totally disgusting and even if you do have arguments I know post c-section and with a young baby my husband in fairness used to ignore a lot of my drama.

Please don’t get me wrong I don’t know how you argued but I for one was not on a even keel after both my girls for a few months and he was supportive and overlooked a lot of things I did and said. Supportive partners understand when their other half is having a hard time and do what they can to help.

I don’t know what to advise but things like this change a relationship. Mine has been changed recently after my in-laws overstayed their welcome for three months but that’s another story!

Look after yourself and your new baby (congrats btw 💐) and if I were in your shoes I would not be too quick to forgive. He needs to know how mush he’s hurt you, otherwise if he thinks he can get away with referring to you like this he’ll do it again and again.

He has said he's horrified he said that and he didn't think I had a gunt, he just said it to hurt me.

Does he thinks that makes it any better? That it was just words?

He's not horrified. He's not sorry.