My husband said I had a gunt and I'm so fucking hurt

[frillyflamingo]

We fell out today over something trivial at my parents and then got in the car to come home. We were bickering about it on the way home and he said he was annoyed and wanted to go home because I was walking round with a gunt swilling wine and I looked like an embarrassment.

I had a baby 15 weeks ago, so I'm not looking my best. This hasn't really done anything to boost my self esteem if I'm honest. I did have a large glass of wine (with ice) but it's Sunday, I wasn't driving, I didn't think it was an issue.

He's not apologetic, he went upstairs when we got home and left me to do bath and bedtime for both children.

I'm so unbelievably hurt that I gave birth 15 weeks ago, I've been steadily loosing at 1-2lbs a week and now I feel ridiculous and so embarrassed that's what my husband thinks of me. He does sometimes say really cutting things like that, never anything this bad. I feel so deflated and shit. I struggled through bedtime and now I'm just sat quietly crying. Who is this cunt I'm married to.

Sorry, pity party for one.

So why is he so annoyed by being over at your parents for the afternoon?

Is it because he's generally fairly antisocial and selfish, and doesn't want to have to make an effort to be sociable/polite at your parents .. maybe even more so because he hadn't had to for months due to lockdown? Is it because his drinking was limited by being the driver?

He most definitely couldn't see you having one drink and apparently enjoying yourself at your parents without becoming quite v angry, resentful and lashing out viciously with whatever he felt would hurt you most.

He sounds like one of those guys who gets coupled up and had kids because he "should" but doesn't want any of the hassle or compromise or effort of being in a relationship and having kids. In spite of their choice to have a partner and kids, they sort of hate the woman for her very existence, and see her as a necessary evil, pain the ass, ball and chain etc. They're happy to stick their dick in said woman to get their orgasms, but at the same time happy to be derogatory about her looks/body.

They also see all mid and house stuff as primarily the ball and chain's responsibility, hence him fucking off and leaving you to all the bedtime stuff with your kids.

On other words a not uncommon but horrible bastard.

His contempt (and belief you should always be "on", fully meeting (and able to).our maternal responsibilities) is pretty obvious.
He thought he'd shame you into not having to have a glass of wine again, plus he generally probably resents you .. having chosen to be in a couple and have a family of course.

No no no no no.
Make plans to leave, even if it's not immediate - I know it's easier said than done - but this man does not get to say that to you and you stay for more the next time he gets annoyed. Utterly unacceptable.

Oh and does he have a perfectly flat stomach, if not tell him he really should do something about his "Genoa" (fat area between gut and penis) .. esp given he doesn't even have the excuse of growing and birthing a human a few months back.

It doesn't matter what you were arguing about, it's an extremely low blow to comment on your appearance like that and says way more about him than about you!!

I have a wrinkly saggy tummy years and years after giving birth and other 'defects'. I can tell DP notices it which makes me self conscious enough, but he would never say anything, he doesn't say a word, as I wouldn't about his middle age looks.

The most important relationship you have is with your Children and with your own self at the end of the day. Someone like that, who is capable of that, will deplete you. Don't give of yourself to someone who brings you down like this. You are not any less 'worthy' than anyone else just because of how you look. It may seem hard, but value yourself.

Autocorrect fail - should have been "genis".

I couldn't move past that comment.

I can think of a great way for you to lose 14st in a day.....

Only you know whether you can stay with him after he has been so vile to you but I think you can see from all these comments that you deserve better than that.

Wow! Just wow! That’s what I said out loud after reading your post,
my husbands response to me was ‘what?’
Me ‘ just read this post on mumsnet’ I continue to read the post to him and say ‘if you ever spoke to me in that way I’d punch you in the face’
DH ‘not that I would ever speak that way to anyone let alone you, but I would expect you to punch me in the face!’
I must add we have never been or never would be (well unless he said that to me and as far as I’m concerned he’s now given permission for me to punch him in the face) violent to each other. But some people amaze me when they are meant to love you and respect you to speak to you in that way. Honestly I couldn’t be with anyone who thought that little of me to say that to me.

You shouldn't need to think twice about it. Why would you stay with someone who thought of you in that way???

I agree with you GilbertMarkham it’s that horrible technique of seeing someone enjoying themselves being relaxed and happy and then crushing them later.

It’s a cruel thing to do because the next time they’re in that situation they moderate themselves, feel self-conscious. It’s about control.

Oh my, what he said was awful. I’m not sure if I could get past that or even if I would want to try.

I hope you’re ok.

What decent man would even know such a word.

I certainly have never heard of it.

He must really be among the dregs of society.

Clearly a deeply abusive man, who just can't bear to see the OP have a moment enjoying herself.

I hope she uses this incident to make plans to get away.

What decent man would even know such a word

I think a lot of men know that word sadly, it’s women who often don’t. Because it’s not usually something that’s said in front of us.

He must really be among the dregs of society

Arguably yes because he said it to his wife. Arguably not for just knowing the word. The men who told me it are senior police officers and arguably very decent men whose job it is to deal with the dregs of society, which they do well.

I know the word now too, we all do, and arguably none of us are dregs of society for knowing the word now.

I have an awful tummy OP, it's quite flat but I lucked out on the stretch marks and it's over stretched and wrinkly and has been since I had my DS at 21.
Nobody I've ever slept with or had a relationship with over the years or any of my friends at the naturist club have ever once mentioned it.
Because babies....that's what happens unless you are Elle McPherson.
The problem with young men now - no manners, too much porn, unrealistic expectations of what kind of woman they can actually get, unable to understand they are fathers now and have more important things to worry abut like caring for their families and being a grownup, have toxic friendships with other men and toss this stuff around as "banter".
Women seem to still be the same but men have changed out of all recognition since the war.
I don't know what the answer is except to become a lesbian.

I don't know what to do. On the face of it, it seems mad to throw away a marriage and our children's family unit for one comment but I can't think anyone who cared for me at all would ever ever say something so hurtful. I mean, he said it to make me feel low

You wouldn’t be leaving over one comment.

It’s his verbal abuse and cruelty, his inability to see you happy without bringing you down. His laziness and selfishness leaving you to deal with both children. His lack of concern for you in tears.

You’d be leaving him because of the kind of man he is.

He’s certainly amongst a group of men who have a vocabulary of misogyny. It’s a specific term about women.

Jesus.... this is horrible. OP - you're doing great, ignore your partner and you do you. The postpartum time is HARD and you don't need that negativity and utterly disgusting comments coming your way.

Good lord. If it were my OH I'd really have trouble trying to come to terms with him saying something like that to me (and we're the sweary, sarcastic type couple that can usually say a lot of things without causing much offense!)

Wow. That is absolutely shitty and there is no fucking way I would be hanging around. Not even just for me, you now have a child in the mix. Do you honestly want to expose them to that sort of person? Find someone who is courteous and kind, takes pleasure in you being happy and relaxed, and looks after you when you've recently had a baby (and all the time!).

I've never heard the word gunt before, it's vile and misogynistic and if anyone ever said it to me (let alone my partner and the father of the baby!) they would be told to fuck off in no uncertain terms.

Seriously, he is not someone to have in your life.

How are you today, OP?

Thanks for all of your comments and messages, they've really helped me to not dismiss or normalise the comment.

I haven't really seen him today as he went off to work early. His issue was that he felt my mother, sister and I were forming some bitch pack to criticise his parenting, which we absolutely were not but I can see how he has drawn that conclusion- it's not an excuse to tell me I've got a gunt though, absolutely not. He has said he's horrified he said that and he didn't think I had a gunt, he just said it to hurt me. That seems just as evil, if not more. He knows I'm having a difficult time with my post partum body, as I did with my first.

I'm in the garden with the children today just trying to have a bit of a normal day. It's a big upheaval to pack the kids and the dogs and all the trammel into the car and take them an hour away and I just need to take stock.

I'm heartbroken about what he's said and we are both sharp with words when we're arguing, it perhaps is a toxic cycle - I'm by no means innocent with shit flinging but it's usually generic "dickhead" rather than the more pointed "you have a gunt". For the most part he's a loving husband and he is an amazing father - I think that's why I am so upset.

I'm not in a position to order him to leave - the house is with the job and I have no right to it, it would feel very wrong doing that.

I'm just feeling very sad and very lost. The prospect of potentially walking out of a marriage with two very young children just seems so completely huge.

It must seem huge and impossible. One day (or minute) at a time.

I knew the word, but not from nice parts of the internet. They are also sometimes called a ‘fupa’ (fat upper pubic area). It belongs in nasty forums, not real life. In no world is it ok terminology to chuck at someone you claim to love. You’re absolutely right not to minimise or normalise it.

I had to google what one of those was too and OP I am so sorry that he has said this to you, what a horrible man!

You gave birth a few weeks ago and I bet you are doing amazing juggling everything - and to be loosing a few pounds each week too like you mentioned is super! Don't let him drag you down,you are worth so much more

As soon as the relationship page loaded & daw this thread title sucked in my breath and said out loud “oooh that’s bad.”

This relationship sounds really toxic that name calling & lashing out with cruel words to hurt the other are commonplace & form part of the dynamic.

I skipped straight to making a comment without reading responses - FYI so I have read the recent update only.

It sounds like now after a good night’s sleep the OP has reflected that they both have a negative way of verbally engaging with each other & that this is a symptom of communication issues they could both improve. I’m not sure why he felt attacked but OP seems to feel he did have his reasons for feeling criticised/ganged up on

This personal insight is positive - only if it encourages a change in communication between them. Because someone saying you have a “Gunt” is so utterly degrading & insulting. I think if after this if he cannot reflect on this himself & if any more name calling continues you should immediately separate. This word will sting in your memory, you will never forget when he said this to you. It’s toxic & it’s not ok to be on the receiving end of that name calling. Saying someone has a gunt is an attempt to completely destroy their self esteem.

What he said was disgusting and as you've said the comments about your 'drinking' were designed to make you feel bad about having a good time. Having 1 glass is hardly out doing kegstands is it. What were the comments about his parenting? Dh (who was an absolute prick after our dauguter was born) may dislike me pointing out if he hasnt handled something well or has done something wrong but surely parenting is about being open to criticism and doing something different unless it was a complete bitch about him?