Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

Yes, your DH was wrong to take all of the food but it sounds as though you didn't really cook enough food to be honest.

I’d say the only thing you can realistically do is say quite clearly “please make sure you take whatever you want as DH will eat EVERYTHING that’s left”. This will embarrass him but at the moment everyone else is losing out because of his greed, and this way only he “loses”. You won’t really be able to change the underlying reasons for it, whatever they are, so you’ll just have to prioritise yourself and guests getting enough to eat. Every other tactic is just a fudge and requires a lot of work on your part. If he brings it up later, say, “well, I’ve noticed you always finish all the food. It doesn’t leave enough for anyone else and that’s very rude so I had to warn them.” Don’t make any judgement on him (he will feel judged, but use neutral language).

I get the feeling OP knows rather well that had she cooked double the amount, he would still have found a way to stuff most of it on to his plate.

He sounds as though he has an eating disorder. Shaming him wont help, I'm afraid. He mighy benefit from Overeaters' Anonymous.

Actually, I've just re-read your post. yes, he does sound greedy and thoughtless. As a host, he's supposed to ensure his guests are well fed and watered.

My ex used to do this. Id spend 2 or 3 days planning a lovely home-made picnic and on the day he would get the food out immediately and just sit down and eat as much as he could as fast as he could without any thought for me or the kids lol. Yes, its not just greedy, it's selfish.

How often did he offer to refill the guests drinks or plates?

Shaming him won't work - why not just not put all the food out at once, but save some to refill the dishes after DH has got his? It won't solve the problem of his greed, but at least make sure there is enough to go round.

Well yeah he clearly doesn’t care, he knows but just would rather please himself. Would he change? Does he listen generally or only care about himself?

Does he know he has a problem?

How would he react if you told him you gently tell him that you think he overeats? Would he be angry?

Is there someone else who knows and could talk to him? A sibling, etc? Someone who was there today who might say something, but someone he won’t go mad at?

Your post made me laugh; I just imagine your DH scuttling off to the side of tge garden with an overflowing plate and munching it all down as fast as possible.
Surely this is hardly news to you. Is he worried there won't be enough left?

I agree, had you cooked more,he would have just gobbled more down. Believe me, people will have noticed that he can't keep his snout out.

Do people still invite you round to their house or are they concerned your husband will raid their cupboards?

Why is nobody allowed to mention his eating habits?
I think it needs to be mentioned. I wouldn’t embarrass him in front of people, but I would say something to him when you are both alone.

I agree that it sounds like an eating disorder OP rather than 'greed'. Has he had a mental health assessment? Please don't humiliate him in public by shaming him. You can read more about eating disorders here. Overeaters Anonymous is a great place to start, they have meetings online and it's a non judgemental place where he can explore this. There's also an organisation called Beat you or he can call for information and advice. The best place to start would be an assessment with his GP.

It might not have been mentioned, but it certainly will have been noticed. If i invited him over to my house, i'd be tying food down

How embarrassing. Tell him to go to his GP for help.

God that would do my nut. So rude. It’s that thing you teach kids. They can’t have seconds until everyone else has finished their plates and you know who wants more. You’ll either have to mention it to him or change the way you host.

Oh god that would make me cringe. I deffo wouldn't embarrass him infringe of everyone but you have to talk to him later

Maybe mention about eating more healthily and exercising too.

How overweight is he?

You need to tell it how it his. His behaviour is unhealthy and unsociable and he needs to be called out - doesn’t matter if he doesn’t like it. I think you also need to insist he seeks help; not sure I would be able to stay married to someone who makes me this stressed out over something that should be a bit of fun.

Did you definitely cook enough food OP? I can believe your husband may be greedy but there’s only so much food you can pile on one plate!

I would of been annoyed I probably would have pulled him aside for a word.

I think you were wrong to embarrass him in front of guests. Would have been better to talk to him calmly later.

Oh dear, I'm sorry OP. Embarrassing in front of your guests, he's obviously aware of it if he's scuttling off to the side of the garden by himself with his stash while everyone's eating!

How does he react if you try to talk to him? If you pick your moment can you have a decent discussion or does he just get immediately defensive?

I don't think he's greedy, I think he has an eating disorder and as such he needs help. Have you ever discussed his weight and overeating? I think he probably needs to see his GP to talk.
In future, I'd just put things out gradually and give him a standard sized plate of food like everyone else.
He is probably painfully aware and embarrassed about this, could you have an honest conversation? It sounds a bit like when someone drinks all the alcohol at a party. It's a problem, not a character weakness.

I would tell him he embarrassed you.

So your husband eats one plate of food , even if it was full to the brim it's still only one plate, he waits till after everyone else is fed and has their own food and you look to embarrass him in front of family and then write about him in this way in a forum. He ate one plate of food! You even said he doesn't do this anywhere else, just at home. If I was your guest I would have noticed your attitude to your husband more than (one plate) of food being eaten by one of the hosts.

If you were plating up everyone's food, and you know he hoovers up everything, you should have plated up more food on each plate so the guests didn't go hungry.

Don't see why everyone's supposed to tiptoe round his snaffling everything is sight. It's rude. He has to own this himself, all the suggestions of the GP and Overeater's Anonymous and poor thing has an eating disorder are pointless because he obviously doesn't want to do anything about it and is fine with embarrassing you by eating so much the guests go hungry but you're out of line for mentioning anything to him? Not on.

You do not have to enable this anymore. He is ultimately the one responsible for his own health.

I feel you OP, my DH does this. Waits until everyone has taken a little bit then hoovers up what's left. He's very overweight and suffers from IBS which I'm not allowed to mention or talk about because he can't help it apparently- hmmm I'm sure that mountain of pizza didnt help. Family style was a mistake. If you were serving to avoid cross contamination then you should have told DH that no he couldn't just help himself. Theres not much point you dishing up round 1 but everyone going in for round 2 surely? Its embarrassing but ultimately he is an adult and you dont need to parent him or shoulder the embarrassment. If you're upset by it then focus on that. Tell him you were embarrassed, tell him it puts you off entertaining. It probably wont change anything but it's better than trying to parent a grown man.

He just needs to demonstrate understanding etiquette.

What he's doing is not good hosting. Now, either he knows this and doesn't care, or he doesn't know it (really?) and he needs to know it.

Which one do you think it is?