Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

Please don't humiliate him in public by shaming him.

This.

I've been overweight and greedy for a long time. Just being diagnosed with clinical depression and am trying to lose weight. My eating was a way to deal with my feelings.

If you can't talk to your husband about this your marriage doesn't work. It may be hard, and he may not like it, but it needs to be done.

If you love your husband and this post is just embarassment speaking then help him face whatever the issues are. If you dislike him as much as it sounds like then you need marriage counselling.

My bum its an eating disorder. If it was, he'd be doing it at other peoples houses and at home on a normal day. He's a rude, selfish, greedy so-and-so, and needs to learn a lesson. Why am I so definite? Because my ex-DH was just the ssme, and i understand the paralysis of humiliation as he eats everything that was intended for your guests, but you cant make yourself say anything.

He's rude. How much longer will you tolerate his behaviour?

She says a lot more than she's just embarrassed,

"she watches him eating his mountain of food...my effort was wasted by him stuffing himself with food .. he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests"

There are more comments in the OP , and this is from his wife, his partner . I think I would be very hurt if I ever read anything like that from my husband .

It doesn't sound like communication is very easy in your relationship, OP. I like the idea of telling him how you felt when there wasn't enough food left for seconds. Be clear that you're not attacking him: you're explaining how you felt.

I think you have to tell him, not necessarily in front of your guests, that he can’t eat all of the food. He needs to at least wait until the guests leave before finishing everything off.

I agree that even if he piled his plate up like Desperate Dan It sounds as if OP under catered.

My DH is not greedy or overweight but sometimes has to be reminded beforehand that when we are hosting other people they will want to come back for seconds (not something he does very often) so it’s not ok for him to clear a serving dish. Otherwise he might just assume that no one else wants it and he is saving it going to waste.

Learn from this OP - next time prepare a plate for your DH and leave it at a table for him. Then he can come back for seconds with everyone else.

What a load of old rubbish

He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits.

He can't be that embarrassed if he was prepared to take such an enormous playful and eat it in front of guests. The reason you're not allowed to mention it is because he doesn't want to be criticised, not because he's embarrassed.

Don't see why everyone's supposed to tiptoe round his snaffling everything is sight. It's rude. He has to own this himself

Totally agree. He needs challenging about this. Big time.

He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests
Stop walking on egg shells around him!
You can't deal with it if you don't communicate!

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours
So he CHOOSES to behave in this manner - deliberately to put you/your guests off from coming round and to embarrass YOU.....

I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness
There it is again - he even resents his own wife and children eating family food- HE has to have the lions share.

Are you scared of him OP?
Will he get aggressive if you have a frank conversation with him?
Why are his feelings more important than treating you and others with respect and consideration?

I'm not going to diagnose anyone here, but the idea you would have to eat that way at others houses if you have an eating disorder is really not true. I would never binge eat at others houses, but would in my own home.
Anyway it's impossible to judge without knowing how much it was. Even taking double, it sounds like there was never enough food to begin with.

Yes @WaitingForTheTurn79 all describing her embarrassment at that time, in that situation. I doubt any of us would like hearing or reading that from our spouse but then a) she’s posting it on an anonymous forum and b) is she supposed to just swallow her feelings to spare his? Because it doesn’t seem from what OP describes that he’s been very considerate of her of their guests and it’s clear this isn’t a one off.

Sometimes if it quacks and waddles, it really is a duck.

Being greedy is a thing. It doesn't have to be an eating disorder.

OP - put aside your fear of walking on eggshells (whole other set of issues by the sound of it) and sit him down tomorrow (privately) and have it out. Be clear and direct but not judgemental in tone.

You are also worth his consideration. It is ok to talk to him about how this makes you feel. Don't belittle him though as that won't work. If he goes off in a sulk, you have your answer.

What I'm saying is the OP has contempt for her husband and that's the issue here . And contempt kills relationships, we all know that.

No one on this forum can say that her husband is greedy or the OP is stingy ... Her mother was hungry after the portion she was served for example? No one can comment because we were not there.

For all we know the OP has an eating disorder and gave everyone a cube of ham and a pickle and thought that was enough ( not suggesting this is true at all)

But I can comment that I worry that this attitude has much deeper roots than today and the OP should look at that. Also , I think she has been slightly mean by posting what she has. I think it comes across a little like bullying . And I think if she thinks kinder about her husband she might be able to start thinking about how to strengthen their relationship.

sounds like a lot of the posters here are why weddings with buffets are shit sometimes - they hoover up all the food first time round without a thought of those to come.

Good buffet etiquette is not to pile your plate high whenever you get there, first or last. OPs husband sounds incredibly rude: if you're hosting it's FHB and ask if anyone wants something before you take the last one.

So, OP, you're not allowed to embaras him, but he can embaras you by doing what he did? You both need to talk about this and what social expectations are around buffets (mind you, i always cater double for buffets because with eveyone not piling their plates first time, they do go back for 2nd and maybe 3rd goes.

It seems to me that if he managed to pile all the food that was left onto one plate and some people wanted seconds, you didn't prepare enough.

For future entertaining or even for family dinners, make double the amount and hide at least one third of it in the kitchen. Then ask if anyone wants seconds when you see empty plates.

However, that's must a practical answer to a practical problem.

The real problem is the overeating. He has a problem. It might be an eating disorder. It might be anxiety. It might be depression. He needs to see a doctor about it.

You could possibly enlist the help of others in broaching the subject. How long has it been since he went for a medical checkup?

OP why not cook DH a meal such as a whole chicken to eat before guests arrive? That way he will have already stuffed himself earlier and won't eat all the guests' food!

There’s nothing to suggest she has contempt for him eez she’s only posted twice on the thread! It’s obvious she’s irritated and frustrated and imo that’s perfectly understandable given what she described. Is there really a need for the ridiculous amateur psychology?

Why is the OP getting all the flak for under-catering? If the husband wants guests who are happy with the way they've been hosted but also wants to be able to eat as much as he likes, why doesn't he make the food?

Ask him if he gets nervous about family coming round? Perhaps that’s why he stuffs himself? Comfort/nervous eating?

If he’s always like that perhaps you have to ask him to fill up on a bowl of soup with some bread and butter before guests arrive so he’s full and therefore can’t overeat the good gear!

OP why not cook DH a meal such as a whole chicken to eat before guests arrive?

Seriously ??

@tara66

OP why not cook DH a meal such as a whole chicken to eat before guests arrive? That way he will have already stuffed himself earlier and won't eat all the guests' food!

I’m sure he has at least one hand, so he can buy, prepare and cook said chicken if he wants one.

My dh eats like a horse. Make more food

OP why not cook DH a meal such as a whole chicken to eat before guests arrive?

that's surely against MN rules where one chicken has to feed a family of 8 for a month?