Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

I also think you maybe underestimate how much people eat, easy to do if on the slim side yourself. Yes it's quite normal to eat more than usual at a Barbie or any occasion out so never plan normal portions for each guest. In fact people save themselves for an occasion and eat less earlier in the day to make up for it, I know I have. I've turned up starving and totally troughed as not eaten all day, on purpose. Always been loads left over though

If he wants to finish the leftovers when the guests are gone - well finished eating at least - I’m sure you would let him

Let him? He’s an adult . He can do what he wants, even if socially awkward...

@flamegame

But still, 3 x 25g of crisps for how many people? Maybe you need to cook more low calorie food. I need to eat a good volume of low calorie food to stay healthy, personally.

Exactly. You wouldn’t have a buffet with small bags of crisp. You should always have extra just in case.

Safe to say he was made to clear his plate as a kid!

Did you definitely cook enough food OP? I can believe your husband may be greedy but there’s only so much food you can pile on one plate!

I agree. There's only so much one person can eat.

My parents used to do this. Make minimal food, and then shame DH when he took more than one of any item.

If everyone had served themselves before him, and he had one plate of food that finished off the rest and was twice as much as what everyone else had, then that means there was only ever going to be half a full plate of food left after everyone had helped themselves once. So there wasn't going to be enough for everyone to take a second helping anyway. I think the solution here is that you need to make more food.

I would be more mortified and really hurt if I were your husband and you embarrassed me about my eating in front of everyone, rather than you being embarrassed that your family missed out on a few crisps.

Surely you are just all happy to be together after a few months apart.

He doesn't do it other people house other than his own, so If you know you have a greedy husband and you choose to do the catering ... over cater but I'm sure no one really cared. I would have felt awkward as a guest if you made a show of your husband like that.

Why not get your husband to do the cooking/catering? That way if he wants to eat, for example, 3 bags of crisps he can whilst also having to consider everyone else.

Why didn’t you make his plate up yourself? You did everyone else’s. And when handing it to him say you will serve seconds when everyone is finished.

Agree with others that it doesn’t sound like you made enough. If your DH took one double portion and then it was all gone, that suggests had he taken the same amount as everyone else, there would only have been a single portion left to share between everyone anyway.

Small sized plates might work in this situation.

Or, make something like a pie and give everyone an equal portion. Then sides like mash and veg people can take how much they want. A meal like that, you could make a mountain of mash anyway and use leftovers the next day or freeze it if you happened to make too much.

How big was his plate if he managed to take all the food?!

@Ludicruss if you suggest an eating doorstep or push him then he will likely close up.
You need to approach it very cautiously. I have never found a way To discuss it with the person I care for, they just clam right up every time. But they do know they have a problem and they are finally talking about counselling after years of problems.

This is the start of what could potentially be a long journey, but you just need to let him know that you’re there for him and support him with his issues and that you don’t judge him. Sit him down and tell him that you’re a little concerned about how he is coping, that you do not judge him, but you’re worried about his health and want to talk about it and go from there. Coax but don’t push, don’t get angry or exasperated, he may shut down. It’s so hard, it really is, but you need to find out why he is overeating and start to deal with his mental and physical health.

Everyone is talking about the plate of food incident but that’s not the issue here. you have said he is overweight, THAT is the problem, not this incident where there may or may not have been enough food.

How many people were there today?

You said 3 25g bags of chips in a bowl to share between everyone which doesn’t seem a lot

What would have happened if you had a couple of hungry guests who had full plates?

There is maybe a disconnect between what you think is enough and what your DH thinks is enough.

Think of all the threads at Christmas where people complain that they were starving while others are saying they are full on one roast potato and a small slice of turkey.

Did op actually say they were tiny bags of crisps?

I agree you under catered and he was greedy. As a pp said you can only fit so much on one plate, even “piling it high” there’s a point at which the food will topple off. It really doesn’t sound as though you’d provided enough for more than one or two guests to go back for seconds even if he hadn’t eaten everything left after you’d plated up.

As regards what to say to him, I’d probably spell out that it’s not a case of everyone gets one go and whatever’s left is his! Mind you I get the impression from MN that lots of people approach a buffet that way - you see threads where people say they get everyone to queue up, call the vegetarians first plus many, many complaints about people at the front of the queue hoovering up everything which always gives me the impression that both guests and host see it as you have one opportunity to eat ! Certainly not the way I or anyone I know caters.

The issue here is not that the OPs husband is overweight and/or ate too much food.

It's that the OPs response to either/both of these things is to feel humiliated by her husband and to speak/think about him in a negative way.

This is the issue.

Half the country is overweight , most spouse's would not react this way .

The OP needs to examine why she feels angry at her husband for this .

I would definitely not call him out on this, in public or private. If he has an eating disorder (sounds like he does) then that’s only going to make him self loathe even more and probably turn to more food for comfort.

Next time you have guests could you perhaps orchestrate it so that he has to manage the food and catering? If he’s in charge of allocating the food and bears the responsibility of looking after the guests then that may be the deflection he needs to keep his mind off over eating. Good luck!

I rely wish there was a photo of his plate (with food)

I cant see how one big plate of food wiped out the possibility of second helpings for everyone.

@ElsieMc why do you not pull up your daughter on her habits?? I think you need to say, my house, my habits, my pursestrings, my rules. Do not indulge her. Everyone waiting around while she ploughs through a food mountain is miserable. Just refuse.

@WaitingForTheTurn79 Well, the OP said she was embarrassed and tbh I think most people would be in this situation. I mean you’ve got people over and you’ve unexpectedly run out of food, surely most people would be a bit if a guest asked for more, having only had a small plate, and had to be told there’s nothing left.

It’s hardly surprising she’s irritated given it’s not a one off (even though I think she under catered) and to be fair all she did was make a joke about him polishing off the crisps. Ok, not very nice but I think understandable in the circumstances. I really don’t think OP needs to do a whole load of self analysis!

How much of an eating disorder is it if he actively makes sure not to do it at other people's houses? I'm not sure what the reason is but I very much doubt the MN diagnosis is correct.

It's almost as if he begrudges giving?providing? food to other people, and scoffs it all so they can't have it

I also think part of the problem is guests have different attitudes to meals like this. Some will use it as a replacement for their evening meal..so come hungry and expect to be well fed. Others will see it as a light nibbly meal. But as a host I think you always have to err on the side if generosity.

I think you’ve got two issues here. One is the amount your DH is eating and two, you didn’t make enough food. If your DH filled his plate to overflowing, it wouldn’t have been enough for seconds for everyone else. When we cater there is enough for at least thirds for everyone.

OP many questions.

How bigs were the packets of crisps? There’s a huge difference between 3x 25g and 3x 250g packets.

How many people?

What food did you serve?

If he only had one plate of food then it obviously wasn’t enough for people to have seconds. How would you feel if the table was flipped and someone would say something to the group about what you ate? It’s singling out people.

As someone who has been in and out of live in and walk in wards for eating disorders since the age of 9. Please don’t embarrass him. Don’t even mention food to him. Even without an eating disorder it’s HORRIBLE. The only reason me and my partner haven’t gotten married is because I can’t imagine eating in front of family. I have to have the TV on to eat with my partner so that I don’t feel like he’s watching me eat. Why? Because of people like you commenting on my eating habits as a child.