Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

If he can control his greedy behaviour at other people's houses, I don't think he has an eating disorder - he is just a gissie!

How much overweight is he?

You should have made more food. If he wanted more, that's OK, but you should have catered more for everyone.

To the OP, I think you feel contemptuous of your husband and this is becoming evident. The way you describe your husband is very belittling and not great to be honest . I think there are much deeper problems here than food. That may be deserved or not deserved , I don't know anything about your relationship but it is horrible for you to feel the way and it is horrible for your husband if he senses that you feel this way.

If you had dished his out, do you think he would still have taken more?

" you were plating up everyone's food, and you know he hoovers up everything, you should have plated up more food on each plate so the guests didn't go hungry."

No, this is completely wrong!
Other people don't have to take more food than they want at the time because he's greedy!
They should be allowed to take however much they want in one go and then go back for more if they need it. Your way leads to everyone over-eating not just one person.

@AiryFairyMum

You should have made more food. If he wanted more, that's OK, but you should have catered more for everyone.

Why should she? Why is everyone blaming the OP? Her DH lives at the house, if he wants more food he can take something from the cupboards rather than taking food meant for guests.

In his mind he may think he's let everyone have what they want and he's just having what's left over, not thinking about seconds.

Can you try to serve everyone including him so he doesn't have the opportunity to help himself? Or actively remind him to leave enough for second helpings for everyone?

Was your DM unaware of his habit of polishing everything off? You may need to warn people in future (perhaps when DH is not around) that they need to get everything they want before he does.

Maybe you should serve his food as well as everyone else's and also hold some food back in the kitchen so everyone gets seconds if they want.

Sounds like you make stingy amounts and he just wants his share. In any case are you meant to be serving up food go guests under the present rules. You're not his Mum.

He clearly needs to learn FHB - Family Hold Back.

@WaitingForTheTurn79

So your husband eats one plate of food , even if it was full to the brim it's still only one plate, he waits till after everyone else is fed and has their own food and you look to embarrass him in front of family and then write about him in this way in a forum. He ate one plate of food! You even said he doesn't do this anywhere else, just at home. If I was your guest I would have noticed your attitude to your husband more than (one plate) of food being eaten by one of the hosts.

Me too. The way I read the OP makes it sound like her husband has a problem and/or is unhappy and her response is to get angry. Makes me sad for them both, tbh.

Please please please don’t publicly shame him over this. He may have an eating disorder, and from someone who has a very close person to then that has one, that would be the worst thing you can do.

Talk to him privately, he should try and get some counselling to figure out his relationship with food and what has gone wrong.

PLEASE don’t have a go at him and PLEASE don’t humiliate him. It makes things worse, believe me I know.

How many people were there op? When I’m catering for guests I make well more than enough for everyone, just in case. I’ll stick leftovers in the fridge and make meals out of them in the following days. Things like pitta bread and crisps would have been pretty limitless. Do you think you’re making enough? I don’t doubt that he’s eating well more than a normal portion. But did he really eat so many portions that all the guests were left hungry?

@Gwenhwyfar

" you were plating up everyone's food, and you know he hoovers up everything, you should have plated up more food on each plate so the guests didn't go hungry."

No, this is completely wrong!
Other people don't have to take more food than they want at the time because he's greedy!
They should be allowed to take however much they want in one go and then go back for more if they need it. Your way leads to everyone over-eating not just one person.

People were not allowed to take the food they wanted, the OP plated it all up and decided how much each was getting, which wasn't enough because both she and her mother were still hungry.

Just cook a lot more food when entertaining. My parents used to have a lot of parties. My mother would prepare buffets, and she always had two days worth of leftovers. The bonus was, no meal prep for two days.

How many people were in your garden op? 3 bags of crisps assuming you mean small packets that one person eats isn't actually that much for a gathering of people misses the point

That's very strange.

He piled all the food that hadn't yet been eaten, and all those crisps, on to his one plate? How?

Maybe next time leave him with a massive bowl of jellies eels and turnip crumble.

Do you both eat healthily?

It's just that if my DH was very overweight I would be worried about his future. High blood pressure etc and a heart attack waiting to happen.

It's ridiculous if you feel you can't mention it. You live together and should be joining forces to lead a more healthy lifestyle, encouraging him to go on short walks with you is a start. Sticking to a healthy diet and if you know he eats crap swap the crisps for fruit and stop buying the stuff you know he gorges on.

Shaming him for being greedy will not help. Is he comfort eating? is he depressed with work? Has he always been this way? You need to communicate about this and not focus on what has happened at your gathering.

I don't think you made enough food if you and other guests were still hungry, even if your husband had one large plate. If your guests had had a bit more each on their plate then it sounds like he wouldn't have got much himself.

Would you have been as embarrassed if another man in the family had done the same? Or a woman? Or if your husband was thin?

I’m not getting it either - he had one plate of food and there was nothing left? You didn’t make enough food. He waited until everyone else had been served. If you have a problem with his weight you need to talk to him about that.

Maybe both of you are a bit rusty at entertaining post lockdown?

You should have made more food op, there wasn’t enough. Were the other three guests adults or children?

"OP plated it all up and decided how much each was getting, which wasn't enough because both she and her mother were still hungry."

But both she and her mother had wanted to take a small amount and then go back for more. That's the right way to do it imo. You don't know how much food you need until you start eating so you start small.
At a buffet you don't normally have to take all your food in one go!

I’d say the only thing you can realistically do is say quite clearly “please make sure you take whatever you want as DH will eat EVERYTHING that’s left”.

But that will sound bitchy unless it's a phenomenon they've already seen with their own eyes.

I think you were wrong to embarrass him in front of guests.

He embarrassed himself, they'd have seen where all the food went.

why not just not put all the food out at once, but save some to refill the dishes after DH has got his?

The "just accept you're managing the poor behaviour of a very large child, and try not to think too much about that at bedtime" strategy.

He has a problem. He needs to get help. She can't fix him, and she shouldn't have to avoid mentioning the elephant in the room either.

That's awful! I genuinely wouldn't invite anyone round if my dh had form for doing this and wouldn't be told.
It's shameful behaviour, especially from someone hosting.

It’s not clear from your post how much food there was in the first place. If everyone had served themselves the first time around it’s difficult to understand why people expected to go back again.