Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

He's an adult. Why do you need to lead him by the hand to go on walks or manage his diet blah blah blah. He can't be that embarrassed if he's not bothered about seeking out help for it (which he actually has to do himself, unless a person is ill enough to be sectioned, you can't force them to go to counselling, a GP etc).

All these people telling her 'Oh, don't be mean!' 'Shaming doesn't work!' She already said 'but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits.'

And states that he does this at home so much so that she overfills her plate before he dives in and takes everything.

@MrsGrindah

It’s not clear from your post how much food there was in the first place. If everyone had served themselves the first time around it’s difficult to understand why people expected to go back again.

They didn't. The OP served everyone wearing gloves. Lots of people in such settings, however, will take only a little at first in order not to be rude and ensure there's enough left for everyone.

But still, 3 x 25g of crisps for how many people? Maybe you need to cook more low calorie food. I need to eat a good volume of low calorie food to stay healthy, personally.

This is clearly adding to his weight issue op. My dd1 is also overweight and she behaves in a similar fashion. If the family get a takeaway for everyone, she waits til the end and then piles her plate very high with food, just a mountain. What she doesn't get is that some people, her own children included, politely take a smallish amount to accomodate everyone, then go back for a more. I find it very rude particularly as by and large we have to pay for the takeaway.

We then have to wait ages for dessert or a cake as she stops and starts eating over an hour long period. I don't mean for myself, but for the kids who are waiting expectantly.

Even at Christmas when we host, she wants more and more and demands the turkey leftovers for a "picnic" later when I intend to make a meal of it the following day. She criticises any buffets saying I haven't provided enough of a certain dish which she wants. I host ten generally and I do my best for everyone. Sorry to rant op, but I do sympathise as it is a touchy subject with me as well.

Tell him you cannot host any more as his behaviour embarasses you. It is interesting to note the amount of posters who say these behaviours cannot ever be mentioned because that is the position we are in as well.

Well then they are taking the risk that others may take more food aren’t they? Or the items they liked might have already gone. But that’s up to them.

You should have a special tiny buffet plate for him so that he can't pile it high. Its shameful when others are too rude to think of others and hold back a little.
I was at a buffet as a family get together the day after a wedding as many guests had travelled from afar. The buffet was called and a queue was formed, as the first guests (all from one family) walked away their plates were heaving with food, piles of sandwiches, drumsticks and sausages. As guests at the back of the queue got to the table there was almost nothing there. The greedy guests never batted an eyelid that their thoughtlessness had left other guests empty handed. As the food was delivered by external caterers there was no way to get more. The hosts were mortified, the perpetrators just filled their faces but the mountains of bones stacked on the plate told the story of their greed.

Em , the husband are one plate of food! How much food can you put on one plate because when I entertain I make sure everyone gets at least a big plateful and I don't humiliate anyone for eating too much. That is considered etiquette.

The OP(and maybe her husband) did not provide enough food . That's what she should be thinking, "oops , next time I'll buy more food in " not about how she can humiliate her husband for eating one plate of bloody food .

Why can't you say, just to him, 'You do this every time. You wait until everyone has had their first visit to the food-and many only take a small amount, intending to go back- and then you eat absolutely everything so there is nothing for them to return to. Next time, can you just take a small amount so that our guests can go back to the food. Once they have all been twice, you can go again but please don't eat everything. Your mum was left with nothing today and there were other guests still hungry. I will do more food next time but don't take it all - people like to go back to buffets time and time again , not pile it all on their plate at once.'

If there wasn't enough food the host shouldn't be the one to grab the lion's share?

When we eat my boyfriend says “it’s like you have never seen food before”.

Would it be better to let guests serve themself with your husband going last, but then seconds are served in the same order as well, so then he definitely is only eating leftovers that other people don’t want. This also gives his stomach time to tell his brain that he does have food in his stomach.

An eating disorder had never once occurred to me.
His mother had an eating disorder.

If I suggested this, he would be offended and sulk about me suggesting it.

One good thing about coronavirus...no more bloody buffets!

I think it’s your portion sizes op. Your oh had one plate and all the food was gone. There couldn’t have been much more than crumbs anyway if he just had what you considered a normal portion

You should have a special tiny buffet plate for him so that he can't pile it high.
Sounds like he'd eat the fecking plate as well if there was a shortage of food...
Op, make him eat some toast or a bowl of cereal (or both) before the buffet opens next time. His behaviour is seriously embarrassing.

I think a bit of both.

I agree that OP might not have provided enough food. Even if her H's plate was piled high, that doesn't sound like he took a fair portion plus the option of seconds for several guests.

However, if he has form for doing this he is either rude/greedy or has an issue around food. I have no idea which.

OP tell him that you were embarrassed that you weren't able to offer seconds and ask him if it crossed his mind that as the host, he should have considered this before cleaning up. See what he says. And then make a strategy for ensuring that this doesn't happen again so you can't feel uncomfortable and pissed off.

Can you tell us how much food you made and for how many people? This way we can maybe work out if he was greedy or if you and the other guests have very small portions.

I would also tell him he embarrassed you. But in a kind & gentle way.

If he wants to finish the leftovers when the guests are gone - well finished eating at least - I’m sure you would let him. But sharing & thinking of others is a part of life.

Odd he knows how to behave at other people’s homes but not at his own.

Do you honestly think that if he had less food on his one plate, there would have been enough for seconds for everyone? There was never enough food.

If there are other issues( and I think there are) the OP needs to think of ways to identify and approach these, perhaps in a gentler fashion.

It's a 3 fold problem I think. You didn't do enough food - rare at a Barbie, there's usually loads left over IME. Your husband does eat too much and was not thoughtful to others,. Also, in a general sense I doubt you are happy about him being overweight - which needs addressing. I've never met anyone who eats as much as an ex BF does, however, he's not overweight as is super active so I'd say he should up his exercise to meet his need for food maybe as a plan.

What food, how much of it and for how many people?? You didn't make enough by the sounds of it

You said he had double the amount that everyone else had. But you and your mum were still hungry.

I’m with those who say that it sounds like there wasn’t enough food for everyone to start with.

Plus, even if he does have an eating disorder - shaming him will not help at all.

When I was a child we were told FHB (Family Hold Back) when we were hosting a buffet or bbq or suchlike. It worked and has stuck with me!

I wouldn’t tell him he embarrassed you. I’d take note and in the future, prepare a lot more food.

Shame is a strange beast: People will do all kinds of things to avoid it because it’s so painful. He’s probably defensive when challenged about food, and I’m just wondering if he’s been denied food as a child? (Complete guess on my part but it’s the way you say he crams his plate and scurries off). It doesn’t sound greedy, it sounds desperate. Is it noticeable usually or just in company?

You might not feel able to talk about his eating habits but you can and should talk to him about his manners and how embarrassing his poor hosting was.

If he wants to stuff himself with crisps he can do that any time.

Food for guests is food for guests. Maybe he needs things to be done the otehr way around. He is allocated a decent portion and everything else is out of bounds to him.