Embarrassingly greedy DH

[Ludicruss]

Today, we had a socially distanced gathering for a handful of people in our garden. It was great, but I'd forgotten about the way DH behaves around food when we're entertaining in our own home.
I was serving the food myself to prevent the risk of any covid contamination, wearing gloves. DH goes to find something to do inside whilst I serve the food for everyone and myself. He reappears when everyone starts eating and serves his own plate. What he then does is finish EVERYTHING off, leaving no possibility for me to return to serve up seconds for anyone. I was mortified. His plate was over flowing and more than doubled everyone elses plate.
I could see him standing at the side of the garden eating away his mountain of food out of the corner of my eye, DM got up to see what was left when she had finished, clearly intending to have some more. But all of it had gone.
I had tipped 3 packets of crisps into one bowl and nobody had asked for any during the first time I was serving, when I looked into the bowl after DHs visit, there were around 8 crisps left in the bottom of it. He had demolished almost all of them.
There was a tiny piece of chicken left and a pitta bread which DM ate as she clearly hadn't finished eating ( she had only wanted a small amount on her plate originally). I was also still hungry.
I had made most of the food and I'm pissed off that my effort was wasted on him stuffing himself with it all.
I was utterly embarrassed.
I made a joke about him eating all the crisps and DH went extremely red in the face. He will no doubt call me out on it later on for embarrassing HIM!
He is very over-weight and embarrassed about it, but nobody is allowed to mention it or his eating habits. And yet he stuffed himself with all the food for the guests.

How do I broach this? I love entertaining, I have really missed it, but he spoilt it for me today.

He doesn't do this when he visits other peoples houses,just at ours.

If there is ever shared food on the table at regular meal times,he always seems to wait until we all have a bit on our plates and then eats everything that's left. Sometimes I find myself filling my own plate with too much before he dives in and eats it all. I rarely serve food this way in th3 evenings because of his greediness. But it can't be helped when entertaining.

What do I say to him?
It's ridiculous.

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

There’s nothing to suggest she has contempt for him eez she’s only posted twice on the thread! It’s obvious she’s irritated and frustrated and imo that’s perfectly understandable given what she described. Is there really a need for the ridiculous amateur psychology?

Ah, that's why I love Mumsnet... It fills my need to be ridiculous and amateur psychology is kind of what we do ...(joke)

From experience buffet equals 2.5 serving per person. Let's say 1.5 because we are not a restaurant. There was not enough food. you can't put that in one plate. The husband was rude. that's another fact. He should not make it that obvious that really it was not enough. But he eats more than his share on a normal basis, so why would he act differently in a special setting ? He can't. There is a lot to say about One person serving everybody and still calling it a buffet. A lot. Before sitting in circle and dissecting the hubby I strongly suggest that you think about how you can make different decisions in the future. You can only do you hun. He want change unless he wants to.

The crisps, if it were three large bags the Op husband wouldn't have been able to fit much else on his plate if he only left 8 crisps and no one had them first time round. There was a thread about how many pizzas would be needed for a group gathering, I can't remember the specifics but this OP and many others agreed along the lines that three large pizzas and two sides would be enough for Five people and others were saying Five pizzas plus five sides. There wasn't enough food regardless of Op dh behaviour.

My husband does this. Always has done. I can picture it OP as I have been there so many times.

But clearly, its not because our partners have ridiculous eating habits, its because we haven't provided sufficiently. You silly woman OP, all you needed to do was buy more food for your man. He's entitled.

Even if there wasn't enough food (which I agree sounds likely), the DH knows where the kitchen cupboards are and could have taken a smaller portion, topping it up with other food if necessary. Food that wasn't intended for guests.

He has eyes to see how much others had taken, and common sense to know that people usually take seconds at a buffet. If he knows his wife routinely under-caters, he has hands to prepare additional food. He was downright rude and selfish, whether the catering was sufficient or not.

What would happen if you took him aside before the guests arrived and reminded him that, come what may, he has to leave reasonable amounts of everything to allow them to have seconds? Would he ignore you?

@tara66

OP why not cook DH a meal such as a whole chicken to eat before guests arrive? That way he will have already stuffed himself earlier and won't eat all the guests' food!

Yay. Let's encourage obesity and greed by giving him even more! With people like these (and it IS a disorder) they won't think 'oh I've had a whole chicken, let's go easy on the buffet'

like my ex, he'd go 'oh it was only a small chicken'

I feel your pain, I stoped enjoying eating food slowly after I married my ExH. He was not overweight but if I was not quick enough to get the correct portion, I would be left hungry after he served himself a second, third or fourth serving in the time I had a few spoonfuls, I got to the point of me having to draw a line in the pan or the plate to separate what was mine.

He also did it in parties, he didn’t give a shit that there were more people expecting to eat, buffets at parties were the worse, if he liked anything he would serve the full plate not leaving anything for the other people.

And then DS came along... I needed to hide his food and keep an eye in the baby’s bag when we were out or in a flight as the wanker would it the baby’s food when I was not looking because he “couldn’t help himself”

So he may be oversensitive about people mentioning about his weight or greediness but if he wants consideration for himself he may as well show consideration for other people and stop behaving like a pig, what he is doing is disgusting.

Yep it really doesn't sound like you made enough food.
Is your own sense of portion size a bit warped?
If so and he's learned by living in your house what the 'normal' portion size for others is then maybe he genuinely believed that everyone else would be full on the small portion they got.

It also sounds like he has an eating disorder.
As others have said...shame can make people act in strange ways to avoid the shame...but they also can't stop engaging in the very behaviour they're so ashamed of.

Women have posted threads on here where their partners have made pretty harmless comments about them eating and been absolutely torn to shreds, if a husband had posted this thread he would without a doubt have been accused of starving his wife and restricting her food every day which is why she always had to help herself to the rest of the food..and the fact that he only gave a small amount of food to guests would have been seen as evidence of that!

Next time I would remind him that the rule is you may take no more than half of what is left on a plate. If he breaks that, you will serve him next time you entertain.

I doubt this is contributing to him being overweight though if you haven’t entertained for weeks!

And it doesn’t matter the amount of food there was, whatever the amount he should have considered the number of people sharing it rather than eating it all himself, at the end of the day, he was the host.

My BiL is like this and it’s v embarrassing. People make jokes like “let’s get to the buffet before x does” because you know there will be nothing left. He is also overweight.
We’ve started letting the children go first as a way of making sure they get a full plate before he hits the buffet.
I don’t know why my sis doesn’t have a word but it’s almost like they find it funny. When I’m hosting I hold back food. Other family members don’t and I cringe as he demolishes the table.
You’ve said his DM is also overweight. Sounds like a bigger problem that needs some help rather then just greed. Could you persuade him to a see a GP?

He sounds selfish.
Maybe he has an eating disorder but as he doesn't do this at other people's houses he clearly can control himself sometimes. He just doesn't feel he should when it's his house.

He ate one plate of food? I’m not seeing the problem unless you meant to type trough instead of plate. You clearly didn’t make enough food.

Yes OP may not have made enough food, we don’t know that, we’re guessing, but as a host he shouldn’t have eaten the food, the guests are the priority. If he was still hungry he could eat something else when the guests went home. It is basic manners.

Agree with posters saying OP and her H didn’t provide enough food.

Her H was rude to take a larger portion of food than others had. If, however, he’s v overweight and/or has food issues it’s possible he didn’t ‘see’ the portion size difference.

When everyone’s gone just tell him to stop being a greedy bastard.

@tiredanddangerous lol i often mistake plates for troughs cuz i just can't keep me snout out

your DH was wrong to take all of the food but it sounds as though you didn't really cook enough food to be honest

I was thinking this.
OP how many people were there? 3 packets of crisps seems stingy if you have 5 people for example and people often take small portions first to be polite then have a bit more, if nothing was left then DH may have eaten larger portions but, depending on what you cooked, he won’t have for example eaten double portions for 5.
If your portions are small maybe he overeats because he grabs what he can when there is food available.

I guessed at exactly what was going to happen next when you said that he disappeared inside while you served up. It does seem like the behaviour of an over eater. I get overly anxious at social events because I worry that I won't get to eat enough of the nice food. Unlike your husband, I would secretly eat extra when I felt people weren't looking but the sentiment is the same. My brain and emotions would be going wild with the worry that I won't have enough and so I end up having a huge amount. If I was at someone's house, I would eat a normal if not slightly less amount safe in the knowledge that I can get more food at home.

Please don't humiliate him or tell him he is being greedy. Think about the type of way you would approach it if talking to someone with anorexia. You wouldn't focus on the food aspect but the behaviour aspect. Ask him how the day was for him emotionally. Did he want everyone over? Was he looking forward to seeing them all? Even good emotions can trigger overeating in some circumstances. Ask him if he has ever considered that he may use food as an emotional release or a way to mask emotional responses.

Gently and kindly look into OA with him. Consider reading any of Genre Roth's books. Make sure he knows that you are coming at it from a position of wanting him to be in a better place with his mental health rather than because you don't want him to be overweight.

Could it be something to do with him having paid for all the food so he feels entitled to the lions share?

There are different ways of serving food to guests. Buffet serve-yourself style is only one of them. Serving small portions with a view that people can top up is another.

But another is to make the food and serve it all out at once in large portions on the largest plates you have, for people to eat in their own good time. If I were you, I would do this. Serve everyone one good generous portion. If they don't want it all they can leave some on their plates. If your DH wants to make a pig of himself he can hoover up their leftovers. But at least they will have been fed, as far as needs be.

@rosegoldwatcher

He clearly needs to learn FHB - Family Hold Back.

This.

Ffs get a life, aren’t you just happy to be able to see your family without making issues where there are none? Perspective has gone completely out of the window in all of this 🤬

I was invited to a party by a colleague of mine. He was nearing retirement age. I was mid 20s. ExH (then "D"H) came with me. He was useless in social situations and I dreaded going anywhere with him. He didn't speak to people (didn't see the point in small talk with people he'd never meet again) despite most of the people there being in the same career as him so actually had a lot in common.

Towards the end of the evening the host put out a table with a selection of cheeses, breads, olives etc on it. ExH promptly took a chair and sat down at the table (getting in everyone else's way as it was a buffet type arrangement) and PULLED THE TABLE TOWARDS him (rather than tucking the chair in closer like a normal person) and then proceeded to devour most of the cheese.

He also took it upon himself to educate everyone on how the Brie should be cut, and talking very loudly about people who cut the nose off the Brie.
Funnily we were never invited back. Was mortified.