I know I'm in the wrong re stepdaughter

[reallyfeelthis]

I know I'm going to get slated and I know I'm in the wrong
But I just can't get used to having a stepdaughter. (Not married yet due to lockdown but will be ASAP)

She's a lovely kid (13) but I hate the attention her father gives her and the fact that one room in our small flat is devoted to her even though she doesn't stay over that often .
She likes me and behaves beautifully so I have no idea why I feel like this .

How can I change these feelings as it's going to create a huge problem soon between me and my fiancé as he can tell I even hate her name being mentioned .

Does he really want to marry you knowing how you feel?

Is there anything you can find to like about her? I really don't think you can get married unless things improve. It would be unbelievably cruel.

I would strongly urge you to seek counselling and accept that it will probably be the end of your relationship, even if the marriage does go ahead, if you don’t deal with your issues about this.

If he knows how you feel, it doesn’t say much about him that he hasn’t broken up with you. Do you want to have children with him? How does it make you feel that he is the sort of man who would put a woman who dislikes his children over his kids? That’s not an attractive quality.

Well don't get married!

You need to work out a vision of how you can learn to live with a step daughter. If you can't 'see' it, you can't be it.

If you can't see it perhaps you shouldn't be it?

Maybe this setup just isn't for you?

You have to accept a child must always come first with a parent. Every time.

That might not be what you want in a relationship. It's a very hard situation to accept, particularly if you don't have children yourself.

I married someone with two young teenagers. One moved in just after we had our first child. I never resented them though - they had their own room even before he moved in full time but it was only right. You are the newbie - if anything she should resent you. It's a package deal. If you can't accept it totally, reconsider if this is right for you because it won't be right for her.

Your obviously seething jealousy is shocking. Do this man and his child a massive favour by leaving him.

I don’t think u should marry him tbh

Please don't get married while you feel like this. It's not fair on any of you.

You need to work out why you feel like this and change it!

You cannot marry a man while you are jealous of the attention he pays his child, as it will never get better and everyone will be miserable!

Can you explain why you’re getting married?

Don't get married. You're not ready to be a stepmother, you may never be unless the 'child' is an adult! There's nothing wrong with that, some people can adjust, others can't. You are still living with yer man though, I don't know how long you can do that feeling as you do.

She’s a lovely child.

You can’t get on board with the fact her dad gives her love time and attention.

This won’t go away with time. If her fathers any kind of man he will want to keep her in his life.

Your feelings will get worse when you have your own dc.

Don’t marry him, walk away. A man with DC is clearly not for you.

@MsSquiz You need to work out why you feel like this and change it!

Why does OP need to change her feelings?

I think she should accept how she feels and face up to the fact that the relationship won't give her what she wants.

Don't try and squeeze yourself into a role you don't want OP. Move on and meet someone who can put you first.

You will ruin her teen years and that will have an impact on her happiness and self esteem for the rest of her life. End this relationship. Your DP can tell you can't stand even her name being mentioned? What a shit Dad, why hasn't he dumped you already?

Why are you getting married? You knew he had a child when you got involved.

"I hate the fact one room in our small flat is devoted to her" It's her room at her dads!! That poor girl how upset would she be if she felt unwanted by you??

Think about her needs and stop being so selfish

You're being totally unreasonable and as another poster said do then a favour and go. They don't need someone negative like you.

Put the child first in the situation and leave you're clearly not suited to being a step parent, by youre own omission the girl behaves beautifully so it's not as if her behaviour is an issue it's her presence. It's as you're competing with her and that's not normal she is a child and you're an adult. It will only worsen if you get married and if definitely dont have dc.

Do yourself and her a favour and don’t marry him. Please

Oh Christ don’t get married to him.

Life’s too short. You will fuck your life up and hers in the process.

Good grief, don’t get married. This relationship is never going to make you happy. You want him, without his daughter, but she’s a real-life, breathing young woman. And she’s not going anywhere.

I admire your honesty in coming on here with this and I hope you won't get flamed for being so open. They do come as a package and it sounds as though there's nothing his daughter can do to help you as she already sounds a sweetie. You need to have an honest talk with BF and tell him that the problem is you and not her but I think you know that this will not go the distance. I'm really sorry for you and I'm not sure I would cope any better in the same situation. It doesn't make us bad people, just brutally honest.

I really don’t think he should marry you and subject his daughter to such a vile stepmother! You must be bright green with all that jealousy!

How old are you and your dp? Just wondering if there's an age gap and you're closer in age to her?

I don't know why you feel this this given you've said she's a lovely girl. I think you need to dig really deep before you marry. His child should be his priority and in the long run it will be disastrous if you end up resenting this child.

She's a lovely kid that behaves beautifully and likes you.

Sounds like she's got a lot going for her, a good kid.

Don't fuck her up, don't get married.

@madroid because she said in the OP
How can I change these feelings as it's going to create a huge problem soon between me and my fiancé as he can tell I even hate her name being mentioned

So she seems to want to move past her feelings and work it out.
Some people can get past jealousy, some people can't.

I did also say that she shouldn't get married while she feels like this

I think you are very brave to be so open and honest, but then you cant really say this in real life.

I dont think you can marry him, him and his daughter come as a package, and thats not going to change. If you're honest, you wouldnt really want it to, imagine that was your child, and you were the ex, you'd want your child to be the centre of his world.

If you hate the attention a parent gives their child, you have some growing up to do yourself.

I'm sure it must be an adjustment, but you shouldn't get married if you cant deal with his daughter being a priority. Having a room at her dad's place is normal.

I do feel for you because I'm sure you dont want to feel like this (and MN tends to dislike step parents anyway). But other than fake it til you make it, I cant think of any advice.

It's not helpful to call the OP vile @Brieminewine.

It's not vile to have feelings. Jealousy is a normal part of the gamut of feelings we all have.

It might be vile to act on them though.