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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I'm in the wrong re stepdaughter

157 replies

reallyfeelthis · 19/06/2020 20:41

I know I'm going to get slated and I know I'm in the wrong
But I just can't get used to having a stepdaughter. (Not married yet due to lockdown but will be ASAP)

She's a lovely kid (13) but I hate the attention her father gives her and the fact that one room in our small flat is devoted to her even though she doesn't stay over that often .
She likes me and behaves beautifully so I have no idea why I feel like this .

How can I change these feelings as it's going to create a huge problem soon between me and my fiancé as he can tell I even hate her name being mentioned .

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 20/06/2020 19:25

Of course you need to leave. You’re jealous of his daughter Confused

NotaCoolMum · 20/06/2020 19:29

Yes you are going to have to leave. You will always come second to his daughter (as it should be). Some people can deal with it and some can’t. It’s good that you’ve recognised that you can’t- the kind thing for all of you is to part ways

ShebaShimmyShake · 20/06/2020 19:36

@reallyfeelthis

I was taking on board everything you all said .. then just now supposed to be having a lovely night in , just cooked dinner , film picked etc Then his daughter has just phoned , can she come round for a few hours . He said of course ... SadI'm gonna have to leave aren't I
Yes. She's part of the package. She will always come first, and so she should. You aren't a terrible person for not wanting to live like that, but given that you don't want to, you'd be a fool if you chose to.
Onekidnoclue · 20/06/2020 19:42

Yes. You need to leave.

Original poster
reallyfeelthis · 20/06/2020 19:45

Thankyou for all your replies . I was actually surprised. I was expecting a lot of hatred to be honest .
He's a lovely bloke and she's a lovely man. I need to step away and wish them well and realise that this type of relationship isn't for me.
Thanks again x

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyfeelthis · 20/06/2020 19:46

Lovely girl I meant .
I'm upset but I suppose I deserve it for carrying it on this far

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 20/06/2020 19:48

@reallyfeelthis

Lovely girl I meant . I'm upset but I suppose I deserve it for carrying it on this far
Well, trying it was the only way you could know whether or not you could handle it. Now that you know, you're doing the honourable thing.
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/06/2020 19:49

Make a clean break ASAP. Enjoy your own company and if you want to date again find someone who doesn’t have children.

NotaCoolMum · 20/06/2020 19:50

Massive respect for you for recognising it and for doing what’s right 💐

iMatter · 20/06/2020 19:58

Yes. You need to leave.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 20/06/2020 20:09

It's really hard when you love him. I wish I had done what you have decided to do - I didn't, I married him. RUOK's insight that he doesn't work to meet the emotional needs of either of you is quite a lightbulb moment for me, even years after divorce. She's right and you need a relationship that does not make you feel less-than, to say nothing of the potential damage that could be done to your DP's daughter over the years. Good luck, and be brave. You'll recover and you will be happy in the end.

Binterested · 20/06/2020 20:11

Well done OP. And to RUOK for an awesome post.

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 20/06/2020 20:28

I thought this was a revers but as it’s real
It’s made me think and I have children but I really wouldn’t be able to handle a step mum role and I don’t think I’d want to be with someone who had kids. You’re brave in realising this and stepping away before anyone gets hurt. Good luck to you all.

lunar1 · 20/06/2020 20:29

You tried and you are doing the right thing. The world would be a better place with more honesty and people like you.

CiderWithRosy · 20/06/2020 21:00

RUOKHon fantastic post. Thank you.

OP get out if this while you still can. I didn't and I bitterly regret it. I was so, so naive.

Cheesecakejar · 20/06/2020 21:10

Just another one to say that as a step parent I completely agree that @RUOKHon has got this spot on. Well said.

feelingfragile · 20/06/2020 21:12

If you're leaving she must not know that it's because of her.

To be honest I would not tell him either. Can you imagine what it would do to him and her?

indecisivewoman81 · 20/06/2020 21:17

Honestly; I don't think you can marry this man.

Parents put their children first not their partners.

There is no way on earth I would have ever entertained the idea of marrying my husband if he hadn't been totally I love with my child too. Thankfully he was.

The way you feel about your step daughter isn't going to change. It will get worse.

Pebblexox · 20/06/2020 21:19

Do not marry this man.
His child is clearly (and rightly so) a huge priority in his life. You obviously want to come first, and that isn't going to happen. Go find a man who doesn't have children, and let him find a woman who will embrace his child in the way she deserves.

RUOKHon · 20/06/2020 21:40

I was taking on board everything you all said .. then just now supposed to be having a lovely night in , just cooked dinner , film picked etc
Then his daughter has just phoned , can she come round for a few hours . He said of course

How hurtful of him. Some posters will say that you should suck it up and that his allowing his daughter to crash your couple’s evening whenever she calls is just part of ‘what you signed up to’.

The fact that he can just cancel plans with you so easily and readily - rightly or wrongly - conveys to you that he’s not that bothered about spending time with you on his own. And would always, in all situations, prefer to cancel plans with you in order to see his daughter. Again, it’s unreasonable to expect you to shrug that off. Parents still make time for each other and find ways to prioritise their relationship. When relationships between adults aren’t nurtured, they wither. Which is what is happening here.

You are not asking for him to say you’re more important than her. You’re just asking him to say that you are important as well. Which is the baseline standard, really. And he’s not meeting it.

I think you’re making the right decision. On balance, even when it all works as well as possible, step parenting is still something that, given the opportunity, it would be wiser to avoid. It requires everybody in the dynamic to be their best versions of themselves at all times, and relies on the chemistry being right. As we all know, people are never perfect - but step-parenting is uniquely unforgiving of that.

chubbyhotchoc · 20/06/2020 21:42

@indecisivewoman81 you think your husband is in love with your child? Really? How long has he known her? It's think this is a rather high expectation.
I just don't believe that step parents can really be in love with kids who are not their own unless maybe they've had them since birth and/ or they don't have their own. Even then... It's enough to like them and care about them which takes time. The op probably isn't going to get to that point from what she's saying but people have perfectly successful blended families without the step parent 'loving' their stepkids.

chubbyhotchoc · 20/06/2020 21:48

@reallyfeelthis I agree with @RUOKHon he should make sufficient time for you and have some boundaries with his daughter. Parents tell their children it's bedtime or send them to their grandparents for the night to have some alone time. Dads who want to take on a new partner especially one with no kids need to work twice as hard to keep everyone satisfied. You're not even married yet and he's not making proper time for you. Unless there's some issue at her mothers there's no need for the kid to come over if it's not his days.

bembridge11 · 20/06/2020 23:45

This is hard for you because I am sure you life your partner and he loves you. But a lovely 13 years old can become a unlovely 14 yr old on the turn of a 5p piece. So this situation could get a lot worse before it gets better. I must agree with others that you shouldn't marry him until you have sorted out how you feel. Ultimately you will always be number 2 in his eyes. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. And if you can't deal with number 2 then you need to find someone else:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/06/2020 04:38

Agreeing with RUOKHon again - of course he has to prioritise his DD, but that doesn't mean giving in to her whims, and putting you in 2nd place every single time. He could easily have said "not tonight, DD, I have plans but you can come over tomorrow instead" - but that didn't even cross his mind, you went out the window and she got her way again, HOWEVER lovely she appears.

I think it's too late to expect anyone to walk away from this without anyone getting hurt - there WILL be hurt on all sides - but it will only get WORSE the longer you drag it out.

Tell him that you've changed your mind and that this isn't the relationship for you, but as others have said, do NOT tell him it's because of his DD, not in any way - if you say ANYTHING about her at all, it will be construed that you're blaming her, which isn't strictly true.

AnotherCupple · 21/06/2020 04:52

I don’t think you necessarily need to step away. I think it’s good you have recognised your insecurities. And I also think it good that you consider her a lovely child. Those are positives.

Can you speak to your partner about creating some boundaries so you have some time together uninterrupted? I don’t think that is unreasonable. Uninterrupted date nights are important for parents who are still together. He can communicate with his dd that you are spending time together and she can come another another time.

I think it would also be good to make an effort to spend some time with her alone without your partner. Every couple of months do something together so you can build a relationship with her that is separate from your partner. Would she and he, be happy for you to do that?

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