I know I'm in the wrong re stepdaughter

[reallyfeelthis]

I know I'm going to get slated and I know I'm in the wrong
But I just can't get used to having a stepdaughter. (Not married yet due to lockdown but will be ASAP)

She's a lovely kid (13) but I hate the attention her father gives her and the fact that one room in our small flat is devoted to her even though she doesn't stay over that often .
She likes me and behaves beautifully so I have no idea why I feel like this .

How can I change these feelings as it's going to create a huge problem soon between me and my fiancé as he can tell I even hate her name being mentioned .

The OP’s feelings about the daughter are a red herring. In this specific dynamic, suppressed feelings about the relationship between the adults are nearly always transferred onto the step child.

My sense is that the OP’s partner has somehow engineered a ‘competitor’ dynamic: whereby the OP feels she is competing with his daughter for his attention. But if you boil it down, what this essentially means is that the OP’s DP isn’t investing enough in his relationship with her and OP feels left wanting. In short, as is so often the case, she has a DP problem.

When a single parent wants to start a relationship with someone childless, the onus really is on that parent to make sure that if the relationship goes ahead, everyone is able to get their emotional needs met - not just the parent and the child, but the new partner equally.

When you are a childless person, it is a massive ask to emotionally invest in a relationship with a child who isn’t yours. So often the perspective is all backwards. The new, childless partner is expected to be grateful to be afforded the privileged opportunity of having to come second best all the time to a child whom they do not really know very well at first. And, the cherry on the top is that they are also expected to regard it as a privilege to have to provide child care and carry out in loco parentis obligations without any thanks or credit.

But the reality is it’s not all that an attractive proposition for a young, single, child free woman with a whole future ahead of her. Women who embark on step-motherhood do so out of love for their partner primarily, and often quickly realise that it is all too easily taken for granted and used as emotional blackmail against them.

The situation the OP describes is so, so very common that it simply cannot be the case that there are thousands of evil, selfish step-mothers out there who all hate and resent their partner’s children.

More likely odds are that there are thousands or women who feel they have sacrificed their child free lives and their future potential relationships, to go all-in with a man with children, and are getting very little consideration in return.

You need to really think about why you feel that way. You say it’s the attention she gets, is that because he isn’t showing it you or do you feel it should be all on you?

I’d be pretty mad if I found out my daughter’s step mom was jealous of my daughter having a room for herself. Where is she supposed to sleep/play/chill.

My daughter has a step mom that’s amazing, she really cares about my daughter, as do her family (stepmom’s family) they treat her like their own and it makes me so happy knowing how loved she is by them. She also has her own room which has been decorated to her liking (daughter’s) You need to make more of an effort, see that she’s a part of his family and embrace it. Don’t get with a man with kids if you can’t handle it.

@BluntAndToThePoint80

Personally, I always knew I was not a big enough person to be a step mother - it’s why I refused to date a man with kids.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling like that - but please recognise it and do not marry this guy.

Same here.

Do all of you a favour Op & move on.

I don't think your feelings are wrong. They're you're feelings and you're entitled. There's nothing particularly endearing about any children who are not you're own imo. However these feelings will not go away and will only get worse, far worse. There will be a fair amount of misery ahead for all of you if you go ahead with this. I started out feeling my sd was a nice kid and I liked her. On this basis I thought I could make it work. As time's gone on she's become increasingly difficult ( as teens often are) and nasty. I have to work hard just to be neutral never mind anything else. It's very hard and causes dh lots of sadness. You've got no chance of making it work if you dislike her already.

@RUOKHon what a thoughtful post! Agree with a lot of what you said.

I don't think you should marry him.

You cannot marry a man while you are jealous of the attention he pays his child, as it will never get better and everyone will be miserable!

I totally agree with this.

I think it's a case of suck it up or move on.

This situation is similar to mine - I am the step daughter though. My sister and I are, always have, always will by daddy's girls. I don't think my step mum quite appreciated how much so in the beginning my sister was approx the same age as your SD OP, and had her own room etc and I think/know it was very hard for step mum to accept. 10+ years on i think it still irks her that we're still such daddy's girls especially as were adults with our own children!

FWIW we get on really well

@Cheesecakejar I'm a step mum. This is a problem that is played out time and time again on the SP board it's just wrapped up in a load of other rubbish because the op is brave enough or doesnt have the emotional maturity to recognise it for what it is.

Jealously and resentment. The OP is like so many people. Loves their partner but secretly wishes the child and previous partner didnt exist.

OP dont get married. Get some counselling if you cant work through this split up. If you cant and your partner stays in a relationship with you he is a shit dad. So think on that if you do stay together and have children. If you separated would you want your child being in the middle of a relationship like yours?

This relationship wont give you what you want and the child who has no say deserves better for her childhood than being resented for the fact she has the audacity to exist.

It’s already a huge problem isn’t it.

I don’t think you can marry him OP, sorry. His daughter is quite rightly the most important person in his life and she has a room in your house because it’s her home. If you can’t come to terms with that and squash your feelings of resentment and jealousy, there will never be a future for you with this man.

It’s one thing to make your partner unhappy - he can choose to deal with it. But you’re also going to effectively be rejecting his child, who doesn’t have this choice, and you could hurt her badly by embroiling her in these adult feelings and arguments about her. Which are inevitable, given what you’ve said.

And ultimately, if your partner is any kind of parent, he will then ditch you.

This cannot be true??

You hate her name being mentioned?? A 13 year old child!

Shame on you. My daughter spent years wanting to be accepted by her dads wife. And battled with not knowing why she wasn't liked. You will hurt that poor girl if you don't deal with YOUR issues or walk away from them.

@RUOKHon

The OP’s feelings about the daughter are a red herring. In this specific dynamic, suppressed feelings about the relationship between the adults are nearly always transferred onto the step child.

My sense is that the OP’s partner has somehow engineered a ‘competitor’ dynamic: whereby the OP feels she is competing with his daughter for his attention. But if you boil it down, what this essentially means is that the OP’s DP isn’t investing enough in his relationship with her and OP feels left wanting. In short, as is so often the case, she has a DP problem.

When a single parent wants to start a relationship with someone childless, the onus really is on that parent to make sure that if the relationship goes ahead, everyone is able to get their emotional needs met - not just the parent and the child, but the new partner equally.

When you are a childless person, it is a massive ask to emotionally invest in a relationship with a child who isn’t yours. So often the perspective is all backwards. The new, childless partner is expected to be grateful to be afforded the privileged opportunity of having to come second best all the time to a child whom they do not really know very well at first. And, the cherry on the top is that they are also expected to regard it as a privilege to have to provide child care and carry out in loco parentis obligations without any thanks or credit.

But the reality is it’s not all that an attractive proposition for a young, single, child free woman with a whole future ahead of her. Women who embark on step-motherhood do so out of love for their partner primarily, and often quickly realise that it is all too easily taken for granted and used as emotional blackmail against them.

The situation the OP describes is so, so very common that it simply cannot be the case that there are thousands of evil, selfish step-mothers out there who all hate and resent their partner’s children.

More likely odds are that there are thousands or women who feel they have sacrificed their child free lives and their future potential relationships, to go all-in with a man with children, and are getting very little consideration in return.

Great post

You shouldn't marry him feeling this way about his daughter. She is his child & she deserves & is entitled to have his attention when she is there. She also should have her own space in his home. He must be hurt that you react as you do when he even speaks about her. I'm surprised tbh that he isn't reconsidering marriage but then maybe he doesn't know the extent of your jealously & dislike. I hope his DD doesn't feel it. Do them both a favour & do not marry him. They both deserve someone who will embrace them as family & she deserves kindness, empathy, friendship & support from a SM....and love.

Jesus you can't marry this guy.

And tbh I wouldn't want to be with him anyway if I were you. He may give her attention etc but if he knows how you feel about her and is still with you, he's not really much of a dad. So if oyu want your own children...

I would feel the same. I would not be able to come into an existing family unit.

That's why I never even considered a relationship with a man with children.

I totally understand you OP. My OH stepdaughter stayed with us every other weekend from when she was about 12. She was the laziest little cow but I really tried to like her. I did my utmost to make her feel welcome until she stole from me. I resent her so much (she's about 22 now) but thankfully I don't have to see her again as she has evidently 'grown up' but doesn't bother with her dad until she wants money. There will be no Father's Day card this weekend and I will really have to bite my tongue not to mention it. Good Riddance to her and yes I am still with her Dad!!

This book might help you shift your mindset a bit: www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children/dp/0241250994/ref=nodl_

A lot of it is about examining ourselves to find out why we behave and act like we do with other people in our lives

Do you spend any 1 on 1 time with his daughter. I’m sure a lot of people feel this way but won’t admit it. Your not a bad person at all. You’ve not said anything bad about his daughter & it seems you dislike how you feel. Have you always felt like this? How long have you been together? Do you have kids together?

Do you feel left out as you have no kids with him so feel like an outsider?

If you hate her name being mentioned, you are letting yourself in for a lifetime of hate.
Your fiance must be extremely clueless if he hasn't already picked up on your extreme dislike.
Not even Meryl Streep is that good of an actress...

Don't marry him.
You can't really love him if you hate his DD.

@SpiderPlant but it’s not the same. She’s already said that her partner’s daughter is behaved.

She’s jealous, not cross.

Don’t get married, it’ll ruin their relationship if you don’t like her.

13 is hard enough, without feeling that your father’s partner doesn’t really want you there at all. A man with children is a package, you can’t separate that and not embrace his child too, because he will always be her Dad. She will always need and want time with him, and a close relationship with him. She is a child, her parent’s relationships are not hers to choose, she just has to take whatever happens. To go ahead and get married to a man when you resent his daughter this much is really wrong. Your feelings are not wrong, but going ahead and messing up this young girl would be very wrong indeed. She will feel it, even if you try to hide it, and when she hits 14/15 she may be a much more difficult teenager, and if you don’t have a baseline of a huge affection for her that will be a nightmare for both of you.

I wonder why you let this get this far ?
I have seen in my wider family what happens to daughters when their step mother would really rather they weren’t around, and even in adulthood it is pitiful and upsetting to witness.

But the reality is it’s not all that an attractive proposition for a young, single, child free woman with a whole future ahead of her

And that person is free to go on in her future with a child free male, the OP chose to get involved with someone with a child who is due to marry a man who has a daughter and is so jealous she said I hate the attention her father gives her and the fact that one room in our small flat is devoted to her even though she doesn't stay over that often

OP you need to understand that, it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t stay over often, his daughter is the most important female in his life, if she isn’t you should be concerned.

I'm sorry but you shouldn't marry him while you have feelings of resentment towards his child. She will begin to realise it, it will damage her and eventually drive a wedge bwtween you and her father. First and foremost he is her father and that will not change. Parents and their children come as a package. If you are unable to come to terms with that and really make her a welcome part of your life then you should accept that this is not the right relationship for you.

@SpilltheTea

You can't marry him if you can't accept the most important person in his life.

This sums it up for me.

If your jealous about the attention a father gives to his little girl then your absolutely. Ot emotionally mature enough to be getting married and certainly not to this man! Leave and let him love his daughter and find someone that will embrace his child as they come as a pair.