I know I'm in the wrong re stepdaughter

[reallyfeelthis]

I know I'm going to get slated and I know I'm in the wrong
But I just can't get used to having a stepdaughter. (Not married yet due to lockdown but will be ASAP)

She's a lovely kid (13) but I hate the attention her father gives her and the fact that one room in our small flat is devoted to her even though she doesn't stay over that often .
She likes me and behaves beautifully so I have no idea why I feel like this .

How can I change these feelings as it's going to create a huge problem soon between me and my fiancé as he can tell I even hate her name being mentioned .

I think your feelings are your feelings. Noone can tell you you are wrong , it just is. Being a step parent is hard, but the reality here is very simple. You have to find a way to deal with it or leave. I mean properly deal with it.

Whether you like it or not , where there is a child involved they come first. That's it. You simply cannot be so resentful of her. Ultimately you have to find a way to deal with your reaction or walk away. It's a truly crappy human being who stays and doesn't handle this .

My DP is not my DC biological parent. It is incredibly hard for him at times. However he is very clear that he knew the deal when he met me. However it's not just for step parents. My marriage to exdh broke down for many many reasons but one of them was that he didn't get that your wants have to come second to the DC needs. They need a lot , security , love acceptance. Quite frankly it's simply more important. You might not want her to have a room but she needs one to feel accepted and loved. You are the one that should bend.

I think you are brave for being upfront and admitting this. Be braver ...walk away let them be happy .

I wonder how many step mothers are responding to OP post? Step Mothers take on the responsible role of career to a child that is not there own for the love of another..in doing so they know they are always second best..i feel OP is very honest and anyone who has taken this responsibility will appreciate the honesty..I Love my step child but her parents co parent so she is with me a lot and we are great friend..I think if you spend more time with his child it will improve your relationship..you clearly love him and his daughter is big part of his world so embrace it...you are annnoyed or frustrated because I think maybe you are not as involved as you could be or you don’t know his child that well...spend more 1:1 time together...if you love her Dad you will also love his child..it takes time...that’s all..ignore nasty comments...

If your DP knows this, why hasn't he dumped you?

Sadly, some men aren't great at making their DC a priority when it comes to women.

if you love her Dad you will also love his child.

She doesn't have to love his child...not hating her would be a start.

Step Mothers take on the responsible role of career to a child that is not there own for the love of another

All done of their own free will and not all SMs take on a carer role. They end up doing so much when the child's father is lazy and good for nothing...allowing themselves to be taken advantage of.

I really don't understand women who say they didn't know what they were getting into. From the age of 19, I would never date a man with kids, much less marry one....I knew from that age it's a hassle dealing with ex partners and the kids....and this child seems nice.

If you have age and other plus points on your side...there's no need to be in this position, where you're resentful of a child.

It’s not brave of the OP to come on here and admit that she loathes the attention a child is getting it’s despicable.

Everything in her post screams “me me me me me,” and she’s looking for validation for her feelings rather than admitting that she just doesn’t want to be a stepmother and being a decent human being and walking away from this relationship for the good of the people in it.

It’s one thing to say that you don’t lie a step child as your own, or even that you find being a step parent difficult. It’s quite another saying that you hate the mere mention of a step child’s name. The bloke should have dumped her years ago..

*like

You hate her name being mentioned, you are jealous of the attention she receives and you resent her having a room in your flat. This is disturbing and screams of immaturity. You need to either call time on your relationship or seek counselling- because it’s obvious that you are not mature enough to handle the fact that he has a daughter. If you want your relationship to work then You are going to have to address the reasons for your extreme reactions to his child. His daughter is not the issue / you are. Ask yourself what is you want? Do you want him to disown his child so you can have him all to yourself? And what about the future? Do you think you would feel the same way about your potential children , be jealous of the attention he pays to them and not to you ? I think you need to seek counselling, and put any ideas of marriage on hold until you have addressed your issues. GET HELP! This is serious and potentially damaging to the poor child.

I think you know this really, but marrying this guy is not going to be a good thing if you feel this way about his child. You would seemingly only be happy if he reduced (ended?) contact as your jealousy is an issue. And honestly, if he was willing to dump his child for a partner, then hes a wanker. So no way this turns out well.

Some people just aren't meant to 'have' kids.

Out of curiousity..do you want your own children? Or do you think there may be a part of you that would resent your own if their dad gave them too much attention?

Please get out of this relationship.

My father married a woman who was pleasant enough before they married but within a couple of years, she couldn't even bring herself to try not to show her resentment and dislike of my presence. I was a good kid, quiet and shy. She created such an atmosphere and I spent my teen years feeling unwanted to the point of wishing I could simply disappear or become invisible or even die. For some reason, she couldn't even bring herself to say happy birthday to me on my birthday and even Christmas gifts were given with minimal thought, effort or expense. She stopped speaking to me for a number of years, just stopped all communication while we were all living in the same house. It was really traumatic.
My father should never have married her. Nowadays I have very little to do with either of them.

As so many others have said here, you cannot marry him. You really can't ask him to put you before her.

I wonder how many step mothers are responding to OP post?

I don't see that this makes much of a difference, but I am a step parent to 3 kids. Its hard sometimes yes, but I have never resented the children nor the attention they recieve, and honestly..I have always got on with them (bar some disagreements when they got older about random things but thats normal of course) and been happy to have them around. Though I admit it was also nice to get a 'break' bfore I had my own. Was lovely to see them, but also lovely to be able to chill and recharge for the next time!

I always knew I wanted kids though. Everyone thought I was crazy, for marrying a man who had 3 children already. I got on with them, I even get on with the ex..and its all a fairly decent situation and has been since the start tbh. The stepkids prepared me for having my own children too in a way, as obviously its different..but also sort of the same. Its only different in the way that..the stepkids were there half the week, where obviously mine are here constantly though really. Though now we do have his eldest daughter here permanently too due to a huge falling out between her and her mother. I try to treat them all the same, though do admit that sometimes mine get more (attention and financially) from me. But again, they live with me permanently where stepkids were split between us and their mother. I also figure that they get attention and stuff from their mother, which mine don't get as..well I am their mother. So I don't feel too guilty about it even though some people tell me I should and that its horrible to buy my kids something new if I don't also get for the stepkids, or if we are going out on a day where stepkids are with their mum then I should make sure I take them too (or even once, that I should never take mine out anywhere unless the stepkids were there!!)..etc etc. It seems stepparents are in the wrong whatever they do, and you get a thick skin from all the gossip really.

Mind, since having DSD here all the time, shes been 'even' attention and cash spent wise and stuff really, though I don't exactly keep lists to check. Wasn't something I have ever questioned. I know it sounds weird to some but I really do see them as my own in a way, even though I know they aren't.

Really weird relationships I think, stepkid/stepparent. Also theres always many people there to criticize or tell you you are doing not enough/too much. Everyone who matters (eg. me, DH, ex and the kids) seems happy with the situation with us though so..I don't care too much what people think/say. Both DSS know that they have a fulltime home with us too should they ever need it. And DHs ex is happy with it all also. Many thought she was awful for basically switching with DSD. Saying that it was fine for her to move in with us and she just saw her odd days or weekends in school holidays. But it works.

This situation sounds like it would never work, with OP. I do think, given what she has said in her post that she nows this deep down though. A relationship with a man who is a father won't ever work if you don't want him paying attention to his kids tbh.

RUOKHon's post is really good.

But in the end, whether it's the OP's immaturity, of the DP's failure to meet the emotional needs of both his daughter and his fiancée, what it boils down to is that this is NOT a good match.

@reallyfeelthis - you can't marry him. You just can't. He's not the right person for you, and you can't subject his daughter to this situation.
NOW she's a lovely kid who likes you, but the atmosphere you're creating as she heads into her teens is going to come back and bite you HARD as she gets older, and you're all going to end up fucking miserable.

Please just step away now. I don't see this as any one person's fault, but the situation is not tenable for any of you.

It seems to me that you view this little girl as 'the other woman' in your partners life.

She is not competition to you, she is a piece of the puzzle that make up your partner.

If you can't accept her as that then you need to move on, if you continue this way you will not only break your own heart but also cause a lot of distress to this little girl as well.

You need to be honest with your partner about the jealousy you are feeling and see if the two of you can work out a solution (perhaps in a counsellors office rather than at home). If you can't then the relationship is not going to work.

I agree with the above that if he is not trying his best to include you and making you feel like you are a 3rd wheel then he is partly responsible here.

I also think that being this way doesn't make you a shitty person but it's perhaps not a great idea for you to ever enter a relationship with someone who has children, unless those kids are fully grown and not within the family home anymore.

it's going to create a huge problem soon between me and my fiancé as he can tell I even hate her name being mentioned

Nothing you haven't been told upthread, this: do not marry him. Get out. If he can tell that and would still marry you then he does not care very much about his daughter, which isn't a good indicator for his attitude to you as a partner in the future. And why tie yourself to someone who comes as a package deal with a child you dislike either for herself or for what she represents?

Or, if you really love him, you could wait six years or so until she is living at least part of the time independently, and then try to form a household with him. Somehow I don't think that's a serious option for you.

Good luck. But, seriously, get out. It's the least harm all round if you do, even to you.

Poor kid. She deserves better.

OP I’m definitely not going to slate you at all but after a decade of seeking support on Mn for difficulties with step parenting I can’t promise others won’t on here.
I have always felt the way you say you don but masked it because it’s not a pleasant way to feel and my only advice is to a) her out of the relationship (I have oft regretted deeply getting involved with a man who had a child) or b) just go out each time your DSD is around to give her and her dad space, I am just a positive adult in my DSD’s life and our relationship functions like that only. It’s the only way I’ve been able to square it.
Good luck

You resent a child having a bedroom in her own home.
You’re jealous that her parent parents her.

Are you 13 as well?

OP, feel free to PM me for less judgemental replies.

Hi OP. I’m a stepmother to 2 older kids (one teen one early 20s) and I’m still only just in my 30s (older husband) and have a 10 year old myself. I can give you my experience. Open yourself up to this child you won’t look back. My stepdaughter is wonderful. My stepson? Well, he’s so brilliant, kind and gentle that he doesn’t seem real. They both have my DHs qualities. And I love him so it ended up really easy to love them too. I got a large family with less work and am about to become a step gran too. Nothing was lost by me or reduced in my life by them being around, and the same will apply to you if you just put your jealousy aside and let yourself relax around this child. You’re getting the benefit of family without the initial strain of the baby years. If you can’t push your negative feelings aside then please postpone the wedding. They only get one childhood and you ruining that is unforgivable. And you’ll miss out on the joy and pride I’ve experienced with every bit of independence and growth the kids achieve. How sad for you.

You need to not marry him. What happens if you have your own child? Your jealousy is just going to get worse as he splits his time and you're all going to be massively unhappy.

@blueglassandfreesias

OP, feel free to PM me for less judgemental replies.

Judgemental? They bloody well should be judgemental.

But, to be honest, I'm judging the actual parent more.

Well you sound lovely. You are jealous of a 13 year old? This relationship is not going anywhere and your unjustified resentment of this poor girl is going to get worse. Find someone who doesn't have children and they can be wholly devoted to you or grow up.

Its may not be very palatable but It's quite common and natural for women to feel jealous of their stepkids. As the writer of this article says she's at her happiest when it's just her and her partner and he's at his happiest when his child is around. That's a difficult one to get over. It's not as bad when the woman has her own children because she too will not be putting her partner centre stage but when you don't and your partner is your whole world but you are not his in return it's natural to be resentful. What you do with that resentment is what matters. You can try to heal it or you can say this isn't for me and find a man without kids.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2007/mar/10/familyandrelationships.family1

You have every right to feel whatever way you feel.

HOWEVER

You do NOT have the right to knowingly bring this into that little girls life by marrying her father. It would be utterly selfish of you. Also, you must have known he had a child when you met him?! Please do the right thing for yourself and for him and his daughter and walk away so he can find someone who will accept the both of them as a package deal which is how it should be.

Is this a reverse?

I was taking on board everything you all said .. then just now supposed to be having a lovely night in , just cooked dinner , film picked etc
Then his daughter has just phoned , can she come round for a few hours . He said of course ...
I'm gonna have to leave aren't I