I know I'm in the wrong re stepdaughter

[reallyfeelthis]

I know I'm going to get slated and I know I'm in the wrong
But I just can't get used to having a stepdaughter. (Not married yet due to lockdown but will be ASAP)

She's a lovely kid (13) but I hate the attention her father gives her and the fact that one room in our small flat is devoted to her even though she doesn't stay over that often .
She likes me and behaves beautifully so I have no idea why I feel like this .

How can I change these feelings as it's going to create a huge problem soon between me and my fiancé as he can tell I even hate her name being mentioned .

His dd sounds lovely by your account, of course she wants her dads attention. Its good that he gives her attention, some dad's don't.

How often does she come to see him?

I think some of the replies you have had a really unfair. Are any of you step parents yourselves? I'm a step parent and it's bloody hard work, yes we all knew about step children when we got together/married but it's not plain sailing at all! The OP just wants a way of releasing her feelings/a way to manage how she is feeling, she obviously likes her step daughter and wants to marry her father. It probably is a hint of jealousy, I have been there as well, totally hold my hands up! Doesn't mean I dislike my stepchild. As steparents we live part of our lives with a child that isnt ours and part without, it's not always easy to get back into the swing of having another child with you after time with 'your' family. Please don't be too harsh on the OP, it's really not fair. I would suggest having some time to do something you really like when your stepdaughter is there, let her have some one on one time with her dad while you do something you enjoy, it does make it less overwhelming. As for the room situation there's probably not a lot you can do, any chance of moving and having a bit more space so you don't feel everything is on too of you?

I don’t think OP is brave. Bravery would be realising this isn’t going to work, calling off the wedding and walking away. It’s not brave to stay in a relationship which will inevitably damage an innocent child.

I’m a step mum, it’s not easy but it’s not mandatory. I also don’t think the kids always come first. If a parent wants a romantic relationship they need to have space in their life and their heart to include and embrace a partner which means managing a healthy balance. But, obvious resentment like this isn’t okay at all. It’s toxic for everyone involved. There’s only one response - leave, and it reads like OP wants to be told how she feels is okay and things will either magically get better or that she can ignore her step daughter and sail off into the sunset with her husband.

Speak to your partner about your feelings as well, it's the hardest job in the world being a step parent. I can say that as I have one of my own as well!

Walk away now. Do yourself, him and the child an massive favour.
You will never be his number 1 .. his daughter will always be the most important person to him & that's as it should be. Her mother will also hold an important place in his life - many new partners can't accept that either. His previous life can't be erased.

You are not cut out for this. You know it. Don't try and ruin their relationship.

You are marrying your partner based on a fraud. I can't imagine for one moment he'd go through with it knowing how you feel, unless there's something wrong with him. I say that as someone who would not have married DH if he already had children.

If you feel like this now you need to give close consideration to how you'll feel if you come to have your own children. I've thought about this a lot and can't imagine not sharing first time parenthood with another first time parent (I'm sure others feel differently). If you feel jealous now that situation might be a real blow

Don't marry, I'm surprised he's still considering it when he knows you don't like her name being mentioned.
You say she likes you but it won't be long until she senses you don't like her, this isn't fair on them.

Maybe read some books about step parenting to fully understand the dynamics.
What ever you do, don’t marry him if you feel this way. I’m afraid life gets harder and if you’re not going in with your eyes open you will get burnt.

Saying that, I’m very happy with my blended family. It is possible. But you need to work at it. And it’s hard.

I recommend the happy step mum.

Her mother will also hold an important place in his life - many new partners can't accept that either

Huh? OP didn’t mention her DP’s ex and you’re stating an opinion, not a fact. Head over to the lone parents board and tell them their exes have an “important place” in their lives, see how that goes down.

You hate the attention she gets. Bloody hell OP how old are you?
Don’t marry her Dad. They are a family and you are going to create problems that will last a lifetime for them.

I think you need to grow up a bit. Your lack of emotional intelligence with regards to your partners relationship with his daughter is concerning.

I think you should re-evaluate your plans to marry. If you can’t be a willing and supportive step parent end things. You’ll damage that poor child and her relationship with her dad.

OP find some one who can accept it’s all about you.

How did your relationship even get to the marriage stage when you despise this mans child?

He must know, what kind of man is he that heavy not run for the hills last my ago?

*That he’s not run for the hills long ago

@madroid it might not be nice to hear but feeling this way about a little girl who has been nothing but nice to you and being jealous of a father/daughter relationship is vile!

You can't marry him if you can't accept the most important person in his life.

Don't marry him. It's not fair on either of them.

Just imagine she was your child and you were the ex partner, he should be applauded for treating her so well, you would be happy with that scenario.

Don't marry him, it's not fair on you, him or his daughter.

Your jealousy sounds very extreme if you ‘hate’ her name being mentioned.

Don’t marry him.

YANBU To feel the way you feel - this is your psyche showing you you probably can’t handle being a stepmum - perfectly understandable - not everyone could do it.

YABU a to go ahead and marry him. Unfair on him and unfair on his dd. Listen to your gut.

You absolutely must not marry this man. He will, and should, always love her more than you.

Are you jealous because she represents that he had a sexual relationship with someone else? It’s good you’re acknowledging your feelings and that you know it’s unhealthy. Seek counselling. If you love him then you have to address this to make this work. X

Personally, I always knew I was not a big enough person to be a step mother - it’s why I refused to date a man with kids.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling like that - but please recognise it and do not marry this guy.