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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I'm in the wrong re stepdaughter

157 replies

reallyfeelthis · 19/06/2020 20:41

I know I'm going to get slated and I know I'm in the wrong
But I just can't get used to having a stepdaughter. (Not married yet due to lockdown but will be ASAP)

She's a lovely kid (13) but I hate the attention her father gives her and the fact that one room in our small flat is devoted to her even though she doesn't stay over that often .
She likes me and behaves beautifully so I have no idea why I feel like this .

How can I change these feelings as it's going to create a huge problem soon between me and my fiancé as he can tell I even hate her name being mentioned .

OP posts:
vikingwife · 19/06/2020 22:20

I identify as being childfree & have been in a stepparent type role & dated fathers. I don’t really think you should marry this person. Anything could happen his daughter may need to or want to live with her father full time. I understand it is human to experience your feelings but something about the way you have phrased this post leads me to believe you are not in this for the right reasons. She is something to be tolerated.

why can’t her room also be partly your craft room, or whatever space you need in your small apartment? Are you not creative enough to come up with a solution so the room works for everyone ? What do you really need her room for? It sounds like her mere presence bothers you - never a good sign.

Incrediblytired · 19/06/2020 22:21

Are you jealous? Or is he just not paying you enough attention but it’s easier to blame her for being a distraction than him for not investing enough in you?

I respect your honesty. Be honest with him and see what he says. You know he’ll call it off and it’s why you told us and not him.

Justaboy · 19/06/2020 22:23

This is very sad reading for her and for you! You obviously have a big issue with her but why?. Are you simply jealous that she it seems gets more attention and affection that you do ?, not probally quite that simple!

Or is it a version of that "ick" thats discussed here from time to time mainly how a woman feels odd about a man for no seeminly good reason?. Do you think that some counselling might chage matters and have you discussed with the man involved?.

Seems that this poor 13 year old have sufferd a breakup and that last thing she needs is to be hated?.

Just think how she might feel to be wanted around and loved!

Pussycatinboots · 19/06/2020 22:24

Reverse?
If not, don't marry him.

Starlightstarbright1 · 19/06/2020 22:24

How long have you been together? how long have you known his DD ?

You can't marry without sorting this out if it can be.

User1775836552 · 19/06/2020 22:27

Oh god you were brave to post that on mumsnet...

Speaking from experience (Both sides) you need to spend time alone with her, bond with her, build a relationship and learn to care about her.

billy1966 · 19/06/2020 22:35

OP, how you feel, is how you feel.

I can't see the attraction of step parenting.
Too much baggage to start with and too many men looking to off load parenting responsibilities.

However, you should NOT marry him, your judgement is seriously flawed in rushing into something which clearly is not healthy.

He's not a good man or a good father.

No decent man would marry a woman knowing she is jealous of his child.

The dynamic is damaged and will be a horrible environment to live in.

This 13 year old child deserves more than a father who's prepared to marry a woman he knows doesn't want his child around and a woman who feels jealous.

This will neither be a happy marriage nor home.

You will regret it.

Poor child in the middle of this.

cheesemongery · 19/06/2020 22:35

You sound like my ex partner's bitter ex, she hated my daughter (who was aged 5 - 8 at the time). He was always good to her so I did let her to go and stay, but I hated putting her into that environment.

Luckily he saw the light and left her.

I hope your fiance does the same.

MaxNormal · 19/06/2020 22:40

I honestly don't see how this is going to work for you all longer term.
There's no shame in that - I couldnt' have done it. I knew I needed to somebody's most important person, hence I wouldn't have chosen someone that had children.
It sounds like you'd be more compatible with someone child-free.

SirVixofVixHall · 19/06/2020 22:41

Also her father’s house is her home too. Even if she isn’t there often, it is her home.

justforthecake · 19/06/2020 22:42

Don't marry a man with a child then!

SandyY2K · 19/06/2020 22:46

But the reality is it’s not all that an attractive proposition for a young, single, child free woman with a whole future ahead of her.

We don't know that the OP is young....but I agree it's not an attractive proposition....which is why I would never have done it.

I always ask why a young, single, attractive woman would settle for the baggage that a man with kids comes with...when she has options.

If a woman is in her late 30s upwards, then her options are reduced. Other factors such as attractiveness and confidence also account for a woman being left with fewer choices.

If you hate your partners DD...you have no business getting married to him.

Tell him you hate her and are jealous....if he still wants to marry you...then he's not protecting his DD.

RUOKHon · 19/06/2020 22:49

And that person is free to go on in her future with a child free male

Yes of course. But if she did, I bet her current DP would be sat there scratching his head in bewilderment and wondering why turning her life upside down so she could just slot easily into his life in order to recreate that family unit, wasn’t enough for her. And he’ll fail to see the answer staring him square in the face which is that he should have made more effort to make sure her emotional needs were being met. To have nurtured the relationship and not just regarded her in the context of filling the role of step mother.

RUOKHon · 19/06/2020 22:52

I do agree she should leave and not marry him. But I don’t agree that OP is an awful person and the only one at fault here.

Smallsteps88 · 19/06/2020 22:54

he can tell I even hate her name being mentioned

Then he needs to walk away from you immediately. If he doesn’t he’s pathetic.

morriseysquif · 19/06/2020 23:08

Your feelings are your reality but do everybody here a favour and walk away.

AIMD · 19/06/2020 23:13

You’re really brave to share this and it’s really good that your recognise that the way you feel is going to cause an issue in the relationships between you all. Many people would just continue without thinking twice about it and cause untold damage to their relationships.

I agree with the idea of spending one to one time with her and also making sure that you and your partner get your own special time. If you continue to feel this way though you need to think about if the relationship can continue.

SandyY2K · 19/06/2020 23:13

he can tell I even hate her name being mentioned

^Then he needs to walk away from you immediately. If he doesn’t he’s pathetic.*

I totally agree.

If he truly does know you hate her name being mentioned, he is actually not prioritising his daughter.

He ought to be protecting her from your feelings of hatred.

You've obviously not just started feeling like this, so why would you go ahead and marry him? Is this desperation or something

DopamineHits · 19/06/2020 23:30

Your feelings are because you see her purely as a rival and so you want to push her out of the nest and keep all the resources (territory, affection, presumably finances) for yourself.

When push comes to shove, if he is even only a half-decent human he will choose his child over you. If he doesn't choose his child, frankly it should make your fanny wither up because it doesn't bode well for when it comes time to father your children. How he treats her is how he'll treat them.

You should unpick the root of your resentment, counseling would be a good idea.

DopamineHits · 19/06/2020 23:33

If the DD likes her, clearly she's not allowing her resentment to show at least.

People can change. And at least she has some self awareness and admits to the problem. I think she needs counseling and I think she needs to work out strategies to make a closer relationship with the girl. When she has formed a personal connection with her, the jealousy may fade.

granadagirl · 19/06/2020 23:35

You don’t really think she’s gonna come back do you !!!

PurpleMystery · 19/06/2020 23:38

If you really want to marry him you must get counselling and get to the bottom and resolve these feelings towards her first. I think it will take a great deal of counselling. to be honest the easiest option is to end the relationship. Whatever you choose please do not continue this relationship as it is. It will be very miserable for all of you!

NotNowPlzz · 19/06/2020 23:45

Why are you seeing this child as a rival? Either you have some serious inner work to do, or otherwise your DP is a narc triangulating the two of you. Impossible to tell without more info.

Nanny0gg · 19/06/2020 23:47

If your DP knows this, why hasn't he dumped you?

Wearywithteens · 19/06/2020 23:56

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