He needs to “win”. Is this gaslighting or just being a d*ck?

[Melandri]

Has anyone dealt with a really argumentative partner who doesn’t see themselves that way?

My partner picks at anything until he finds a disagreement or a reason to fall out.

Recently he told me he doesn’t like the way I need to go for a walk when I’m frustrated or upset, especially if it’s fairly late, and would I mind not doing it because he worries.

I said fair enough but I do like a bit of space to clear my head but I won’t go out at night if he’ll worry (it doesn’t happen often btw, maybe twice in the last few months.)

I thought that was the end of the conversation but no.

He then said “if you did still want to go for a walk, would you tell me?” To which I replied “of course, I’m always honest with you and there’d be no reason not to tell you”

He then said:
“Are you calling me a bullshitter?”

I was so surprised at the direction that this took but said “no, of course not”.

He’s now saying that because I said I’m honest, I’ve indirectly said that he’s not.
It’s been over 24 hours now and he’s still really worked up over it even though I’ve told him I dong feel that way and don’t think that and definitely didn’t imply it or didn’t mean to.

Anyway, after lots of shouting and arguing from him, and me staying calm and telling him that I don’t think he’s a bullshitter he’s summed it up saying that the issue is that I don’t understand.

I said “I do” and he replied saying “no you don’t”.

I’ve asked him what I can do to help us move on and he said his lost where he is with everything but he won’t back down because that will mean I’ve won. I don’t see it as winning or losing I just think there’s been a bit of confusion and rather than letting it go he’s clinging to it.

I don’t know why he’s like this. Can anyone help?

[Note from MNHQ - 22/11/2020: please note there is a recent update from the OP].

P

@willsa I could have written your post. Mine was not so recent- 8 years now, but it stays with you. That need to defend yourself- ironically, because we're not the ones at fault- I can relate to what you said about wanting to wave around written proof. Because the gaslighting (a term I only learnt after I left him but my god did he do that) does its job of making you doubt yourself. Or more accurately- it makes you doubt that others will believe the truth.

@Melandri
the not "allowing " you to go for a walk resonated with me so much. I look back and cannot believe what I allowed myself to become. Ironically, it was him who made me sign up to mumsnet after I had our child (I know now, to 'spy' on me!) But sadly for both of us, I didn't really use it back then- but I can say for sure that if I'd known the wisdom I've since learnt on here (only in the last year, unfortunately for me), I'd have left the sociopathic weasel a whole lot sooner.

Glad you've found this place early on 🌷

UPDATE
I really need your help.

I successfully split with my abusive ex, have met someone new and finally feeling happier.

Yesterday he turned up unannounced at my home, beat away at the door, yelled through my letterbox and got the neighbours out of their houses with all the commotion.

He stayed for over an hour screaming and shouting, accusing me of things that never happened.

The police were called and he finally left after being confrontational with them too.

Now he is threatening me with continuing this behaviour. Telling people in my life lies about me and generally acting as a grenade.

I’ve blocked him but still he has managed to message request me through various social media even though we’re not connected.

How do I get him to stop?
Will he keep going until he’s destroyed everything?
Is silence the best option here or should I give him one opportunity to talk and get closure?

Please if you can offer any words of advice it would really help. I’m totally lost.

Keep everything and continue to escalate with the police. Do not contact, reply to or engage with him in any way. Keep pushing the police to deal with him. He is committing the crime of stalking and harassment and it's a police matter.

Life's too short for this.
It's supposed to be a partnership not a rivalry.
Aren't you bored?

@frozendaisy

Life's too short for this. It's supposed to be a partnership not a rivalry. Aren't you bored?

Read the F thread.

If the police have already been involved, keep it at that level. Totally block and ignore and call the police on anything else he pulls off. Do not engage at all.

Just to be clear, this is the ex from upthread who showed up out of the blue? Not the 'someone new'?

Definitely don't engage under any circumstances.

The abusive ex you mean (not the new bf) ?

Do not engage. Report his messages to you as harassment to the police (at least if they continue much past today). They will have record of what he did today too.

Do not meet him. He doesnt need closure, he wants to abuse you because he is some kind of sociopath. He probably found out you have a new man and is not happy because he thought you were his property.

Hopefully he will lose interest but call the police again if he shows up. Might be worthwhile warning your workplace about him incase he tries to create drama.

He wont destroy your life because you'll be having nothing more to do with him. He has no power over you than what you give. Do not show kindness or compromise as he will see this as weakness and go in for the kill like a shark. Keep him blocked and keep your phone handy for the police.

From experience of a man like this be very careful. Ask anyone who is coming to see you not to ring the doorbell but text when they’re outside. Ring the police when crazy ex turns up. Please be careful leaving & arriving back at your house. Get sensor lights put up. No dark corners.

Shit, do not engage with him in any way. He has escalated this to the point where the police needed to be called. Keep the fuck away and keep the police on speed dial.

You might also want to warn friends and colleagues that your ex seems to be going through a mental health crisis and has been threatening you. But this is more so that they can keep an eye out and help to protect you. It doesn't sound as though any lies he makes up about you would be convincing in any way, because he will come across as a complete (and rather dangerous) nutjob.

You poor woman.

This is a police matter.

Involve them completely.

You need to show them any messages.

You need to make it clear you are rightly frightened.

Don't play any of it down at all.

Call the police the minute he turns up at your home.

Thank you, I did mean the crazy ex, sorry for not making that the most clear. My head is just a bit all over the place.

He has found out I’ve met someone new and that’s what has set him off.

I’ll take your advice and log everything with the police, I’m just so scared that will escalate things and make him worse. One of his messages was along the lines of “don’t ignore me, I will throw caution to the wind and rip your life apart”.

I just can’t believe it. I didn’t expect this and don’t know how to handle it. I can be quite soft as I always look for the best in people but if police involvement is the way to go then I will continue with that.

Speak to the police again and get a restraining order against him. He sounds seriously unhinged--can't believe he's going on like this after 5 months.
Beware- many women are harmed/ killed by ex partners every week.

Ring doorbell on Black Friday deal. Might be worth pre-empting him and letting mutual acquaintances know he is acting in a dangerous manner. Sorry you are going through this horribleness.

Please as said above, send a text to family and friends that you think he might contact, warning them of what has occurred.

Contactvthe police with his latest threats.

Please take this seriously and insist the police do too.

Get support IRL.

Be very conscious of your personal safety.

So sorry you are going through this. Had he been in contact much since you split? How did he take it when he discovered your stuff had gone?

You MUST MUST MUST escalate this. Go back to the Police immediately. I can’t stress how important this is.

He’s banking on you being intimidated and rolling over. Update the Police and keep everything he sends you to show them.

Don’t let him get away with this shit.

I just read your whole thread and OMG his true colours have really been revealed, thank goodness you finished things when you did.
Do not engage with him or have a conversation. It won't "give him closure", it will feed his deranged bullshit more. Definitely get the police involved to stop this abusive bastard.

Just to echo the above; get everything on record. A video doorbell is worth it's weight in gold and I would think carefully about any situation where you could be caught out, alone and vulnerable.

I am so sorry to hear this OP :-( I agree with others, log this with the police now, especially that horrible text message about ripping your life apart. How bloody dare he

Pre empt him making your life difficult. Let neighbours know you have a crazy ex and to not allow him entry. Tell your HR department at work to one get him barred from the premises and too so they have a record in case he makes complaints/false accusations against.

Download a voice recorder app so if he corners you out you can record, if he comes to your house video until the police arrive.

So sorry to hear this is happening to you, I remember your thread from earlier in the year - at least you know in future you can trust your gut instinct, it really served you well.

Definitely get back to the police and ask for everything to be documented and for him to be made the subject of a restraining order.

A ring doorbell / panic button is definitely a good plan. Also, explaining to your work that this is an ongoing issue with police involvement and asking them to help if he contacts them gets ahead of it if he does start doing things.

I had something similar happen with an ex shortly before I met DH. It was one of the most frightening and upsetting times of my life but I was surprised by how kind and understanding my colleagues were, even when the ex was sending poison pen emails about how awful I was (all lies) to as many colleagues as he could find email addresses to.

Sending you best wishes and strength.

Police every time op.

Also, it’s worth contacting the Suzy Lamplugh trust. I contacted them in a panic at the point where I couldn’t decide whether I should contact the police (initially I didn’t know who was harassing me so I had no clue how to tackle it or how seriously the police would take it). They were incredibly helpful and calming and gave me some practical help at a time where I felt so frightened.

www.suzylamplugh.org/