Please tell me if I'm crazy

[amiascrazyastheysay]

Named changed for this as it's outing and I've changed a few details. Backstory - Had a horrific breakup with ex. Lots of gaslighting and emotional abuse.

So cue to recently my daughter (3) told me her dads partner showers naked with her and her younger sister. I text my ex and told him this was inappropriate and it was ignored.

Today I told him I'd a meeting and to be on time and he showed up 30mins late for pick up. He has been late every time now since he's found out I have a new job. No apology.

So I lost me shit and told him it was a joke and I'm under severe pressure to get work done as I've no child care due to lockdown. I then shouted at his ex to stop showering with my kids or I'd call social. I will hold my hand up and admit I really lost my cool, I'm under a lot of pressure at work and I'm frustrated at being ignored and disrespected all the time.

Now they've both texting me to tell me I'm crazy, psycho and don't deserve the kids and that I have borderline personality disorder (they're diagnoses)

I'm here crying, because I know I shouldn't have shouted and I did say sorry for that. But they never listen to me. I'm frustrated and I'm exhausted, the kids don't sleep. And I'm trying to work multiple jobs often to deadlines. I just want to know am I crazy? Do I have borderline personality disorder? Do I need help for my head? I'm so ashamed of myself. Was I totally unreasonable?

[amiascrazyastheysay]

I don't know how to move this to the relationships board?

I'm thankfully for everyone who's given different views into the situation and it's been a real eye opener. Things have been good for most of lockdown no issues at all, the lateness thing has crept up however week by week and it's getting later and later. I've deadlines on Tuesday's-and a court order in place. I've mentioned it a few times that I'm under pressure and he's well aware. My role is quiet well known in the area and I suspect there's a small bit of jealousy on his part. I hold my hands up and say I shouldn't have shouted. I always apologise when I'm wrong and feel awful about it. I don't want to shout and get mad. Who does? But saying that when my concerns are consistently ignored and court orders constantly broken it's hard not to get frustrated. He just ignores things and kinda hopes they go away without actually dealing with anything.

[yesiamgoingtoeatthat]

I liked the idea upthread of having one form of communication only (and making that clear in advance). Note everything - for example, send an email saying 'Tuesday June 16th, pick up by 3pm as agreed '. If he's late, reply to the thread stating 'Today you picked up at 4pm, one hour late. Please stick to the agreed time in future or give me a day's notice if you can't make that time'. Keep doing it so you have a record of his continuing unreliability, and to show that you have kept clear communication with him.

Do you have a friend / neighbour / family member that could be around when the kids are picked up? If they are being abusive to you then it would be useful to have a witness. I imagine they would deny it if asked later, going by what you have said.

Shut down all comms with her and don't be tempted to send shitty messages. I used to write mine in a diary instead - makes for interesting reading now!

Write down everything you can remember about money transfers and keep records. It may come in useful.

You're stronger than you think and it will get better x

[whatisheupto]

No of course you are not crazy OP.
You are being gas lighted and abused.
Previous OP is absolutely right. Tell them from now on 10 mins late and access is cancelled. Know that he will not turn up for the first few times to try and call your bluff. So have childcare arranged/ be able to stay with them. Do not engage in arguments etc, stick to your guns.

Register your concerns with NSPCC, Social services, doctors, school, so that everything is on record now.

You need to take control OP. Don't react to his taunting and bullying. You start calling the shots. Don't give a shit about his games. Stick to your rules and ignore the rest. Just don't engage.

[Bubblebubble90]

No your not crazy I’d go mad too! Men are ignorant once separated and your opinions are just as important as his would he like it if his 3 year old son (it was a boy) was showering with you new bf? He should respect your opinion and just because you lots your cool doesn’t mean your nuts your human and the times we are living in are very stressful! Try not to get down over it stay cool and when he comes round explain your not comfortable with it and your her mum. xx

[eleventy3isthemagicnumber]

@m0therofdragons

I’m stunned at how many people think it’s okay for a step parent to get naked with a dc. The stats for children being sexually abused by a parent’s parter is really high. I’m usually really chilled but don’t see how anyone can think this is okay. Mn baffles me. He’s clearly controlling op too by deliberately being late to impact on her job so increasing the stress, no wonder she lost her shit. Turning up late means op spent 30 minutes panicking she’d not be able to work until his highness rocks up. How is any of this okay?

The ex turning up late is clearly cuntish, controlling behaviour. Definitely not OK.

But this The stats for children being sexually abused by a parent’s parter is really high - do you have any evidence any of these are women?

It's men who are doing this.

This is why gender neutral language is a menace. If male partners are abusive but it's reported simply as partners, then women are seen as threat when we're not (except for vanishingly rare cases or, as I said above, when women are acting with male abusers).

[MikeUniformMike]

@eleventy3isthemagicnumber, The father's partner isn't a step-parent.

Not all abusers are male.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Every single thing you tell him about eg deadlines, starting work etc is you giving him a golden opportunity to abuse you.

Lie. SAy you start half an hour earlier. Give him the deadline and wait 10 mins. Lie about this deadline - it needs to 'vanish' or be pushed out by a month.

And if ANYTHING is important to you for the love of god keep it well away from these two. Or if it involves them get a very good solicitor.

Did you get half his pension? You still can you know. You will be needing it because they will ramp up.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

As a pp have said. If the deadline is 11am, text him and ask him if he can ensure he's available to collect your dc at 9.30am as you have a deadline of 10am.

[whatisheupto]

Yes I forgot to say do not tell them ANYTHING about your life/admin/work that they can use against you or to manipulate you. Keep your cards very close to your chest.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@BurtsBeesKnees I can't we have a court order for agreed times. He's breaking the court order currently. Would love to be able to lie about the times and get him to come when he's meant to.

[Windyatthebeach]

I have told this before..
My exh was 45 mins late every single drop off.
Judge gave zero fucks..
Once dc were finishing a game on xbox and the text df they would be 10 mins


Exh rang me - I never answered.. Left a message the police and helicopter were en route as I was denying him his dc..
Bonkers.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

He's breaking the court order? Happy days!!

Have you seen a solicitor? At all? Ever?

[Thelnebriati]

amiascrazyastheysay If you click the 'report' button in your original post, you can ask Mumsnet to move the thread for you. They'll respond more quickly if you do it.

[LilyMumsnet]

We're moving this for you now, OP.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@Windyatthebeach if I was late he would categorically bring me up for child abduction

[MummaBear90]

I would be extremely upset with anyone who washed with my 3yo. I understand it might be necessary for anyone looking after him to give him a wash but it isn’t necessary for them to wash with him. Have you spoken directly to her about it? I imagine that his partner doesn’t see anything wrong with showering with the dc. If she doesn’t have children of her own, she may not understand why it would be an issue for you.
I would only communicate with your ex through email from now on so that if/when you need proof you have it.
Could you also CC in your solicitor so a third party is aware of what is going and you would be less likely to get emotional in your emails which would be in your favour?

[Bluntness100]

A stranger showering naked with two small girls is really weird

She’s not a stranger, what an odd thing to write, she’s their step mother to all intents and purposes and it appears has been in their lives for the majority of the time.

That doesn’t mean it’s ok, different people have different views on nudity but classifying her as a stranger is nothing short of odd.

[GilbertMarkham]

Note everything - for example, send an email saying 'Tuesday June 16th, pick up by 3pm as agreed '. If he's late, reply to the thread stating 'Today you picked up at 4pm, one hour late. Please stick to the agreed time in future or give me a day's notice if you can't make that time'. Keep doing it so you have a record of his continuing unreliability, and to show that you have kept clear communication with him.

Do you have a friend / neighbour / family member that could be around when the kids are picked up? If they are being abusive to you then it would be useful to have a witness. I imagine they would deny it if asked later, going by what you have said.

Agree wholeheartedly with this.

Though a poster has said upthread that even their ex breaking the court order, the judge did nothing. I wonder if this common. Time to get Women's aid/legal advice.

As to the showering thing, it would make me deeply uncomfortable too.

She obviously (at best) hasnt got boundaries .. which would fit with her having been an OW (if that's correct).


Oh and in general I think they're trying to.convince themselves and you that you're "crazy" because of guilt. If they started as an affair even they are aware they look like shitty people to anyone who knows. He/they have to justify it to themselves and others by painting you as crazy/unstable/unliveable with etc. It's the communist line user by cheating men (she's unstable/nasty etc, I'm only with her for the kids, I'm a good guy really you see). He has to keep that up, and she has to too or they'd have to face what shitty people they are. They won't.

It's natural you list your temper, but that's letting them win. Record everything and be strategic.

[GilbertMarkham]

*commonest, not communist!

[MrsBobDylan]

Vanessa George is a woman who sexually abused children and circulated photographs to fellow child abusers. She was a Nursery Nurse.

For a child to be abused there is often some kind of collusion between a male and female, even if it is just the female failing to spot the signs their child is being targeted.

[GilbertMarkham]

Oh and only skanks in this thread are ops ex and his girlfriend.

[GilbertMarkham]

For a child to be abused there is often some kind of collusion between a male and female, even if it is just the female failing to spot the signs their child is being targeted.

I could be wrong but I've yet to see a case of a female abusing a child without a male involved in some way. That case has man at the centre of it, manipulating more than one woman.

[Blondebakingmumma]

No to showering together. She help to bath the children fine, but she remains clothed.

No to sleeping in bed together too

[madcatladyforever]

i would ring social services immediately and report the showering. Its not on.
I'd have lost my shit as well, why can't they turn up on time.

[eleventy3isthemagicnumber]

[quote MikeUniformMike]@eleventy3isthemagicnumber, The father's partner isn't a step-parent.

Not all abusers are male.[/quote]
I didn't say they are. But the number of female abusers, acting alone to sexually abuse kids is vanishingingly small compared to male abusers. Surely you are aware of this?