Please tell me if I'm crazy

[amiascrazyastheysay]

Named changed for this as it's outing and I've changed a few details. Backstory - Had a horrific breakup with ex. Lots of gaslighting and emotional abuse.

So cue to recently my daughter (3) told me her dads partner showers naked with her and her younger sister. I text my ex and told him this was inappropriate and it was ignored.

Today I told him I'd a meeting and to be on time and he showed up 30mins late for pick up. He has been late every time now since he's found out I have a new job. No apology.

So I lost me shit and told him it was a joke and I'm under severe pressure to get work done as I've no child care due to lockdown. I then shouted at his ex to stop showering with my kids or I'd call social. I will hold my hand up and admit I really lost my cool, I'm under a lot of pressure at work and I'm frustrated at being ignored and disrespected all the time.

Now they've both texting me to tell me I'm crazy, psycho and don't deserve the kids and that I have borderline personality disorder (they're diagnoses)

I'm here crying, because I know I shouldn't have shouted and I did say sorry for that. But they never listen to me. I'm frustrated and I'm exhausted, the kids don't sleep. And I'm trying to work multiple jobs often to deadlines. I just want to know am I crazy? Do I have borderline personality disorder? Do I need help for my head? I'm so ashamed of myself. Was I totally unreasonable?

[MrsBobDylan]

A three year child said she was naked with a woman who is unrelated to her and they were washing their boobies 'together'. It would be naive to think child abusers only use 'grown up' words when grooming children.

[bloodyhellsbellsx]

It sounds like the girlfriend has been in the child’s life since she was really little and OP states she does more childcare than the actual dad, so it makes sense that she will be involved in personal cares, toileting bathing etc, so I don’t think it’s necessarily a big deal. If it was someone he had just started dating then obviously this would not be okay but it seems like it’s a second motherly figure, but I can see how that could be upsetting for the OP too!

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@MrsBobDylan thanks for reporting. I'm not a skank just to clear that up. I think, thought I was normal. But now have two people texting me telling me I'm crazy and I've mental health issues.

I also don't have a problem with the word boobies to be clear. I do think it overstepping a boundary by showering naked with children that aren't yours. I queried those boundaries and was ignored. I also asked ex to be on time and he rocks up 30 mins late again.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

Fuck them op, seriously fuck them off. Go as low contact as you can. Tell your ex that you need to leave for work an hour before you actually do, that way, if he's late, no bother, if he's on time you get an hour to yourself.

Block all forms of contact with them except one email address, they can contact you on that. You can then choose to read the emails or not.

If you can afford it, go to court for child access arrangements, this will also give you a level of control. If he wants to see his kids then he has to arrive on time etc.

As for the showering, I'm at a loss, it's inappropriate, I don't care that she's a woman, it's still wrong if it's not your kid. As is hurling abuse at you.

[beautifulxdisasters]

@MrsBobDylan There is nothing to suggest the partner has said "let's wash our boobies together" or anything of the sort. That's what the child has said to OP.

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

I wouldn't be happy with the shower situation either.

I can also understand why you lost your cool and shouted, we all do sometimes and you did say you apologised.

[AmelieTaylor]

@amiascrazyastheysay

No you're not 'crazy' & lots of people are losing their shit being in lockdown with kids, throw in an annoying as fuck Ex and It's hardly surprising you lost your shit.

If YOU feel you need help see your GP, if not then try to find a way to cope with your Ex being a twat.

[CrazyTimesAreOccurring]

YANBU - showering with other people's kids is not on imo

[MrsBobDylan]

Op, you do not need to see your GP, if you feel fine you are fine. There won't be one person alive who hasn't lost their shit at sometime and shouted in public, especially given the abuse who received and continue to receive from your ex.

Try not to listen to one poster who seems overly invested in taking your ex's side and another who wouldn't shower with her step child because it wouldn't be right, but weirdly defends your ex's girlfriends right to shows naked with your child.

[Home42]

You are not crazy. Stressed but not crazy!

He should turn up on time!! I’d be really annoyed if my ex husband didn’t turn up at a pre-arranges time (and he knows that and he doesn’t do it!). If it became a pattern he’d find I was “out” when he arrived late (until he got the hint and turned up on time).

I’m on the fence on the bathing. We are a naked household. My 9 year will hop in the shower with me and she will often sleep in with me or ex husband. I assume she’ll stop when she’s ready. Until a couple of years ago she’d have hopped in the bath with my sister too. My 6 year old nephew loves to ask questions about boobies and tell me about his willy and his Daddies willy. He’s a bit gross! He’s just on the cusp between not noticing nakedness and finding it hilarious.
The exes partner has been part of your DDs life since she was 18 months old. I’m not sure the fact that your 3 year old daughter hops in her shower is a huge issue. If she’d been around 3 weeks I’d be concerned. She’s their stepmom not a casual girlfriend.

[MrsBobDylan]

Yeah @beautifulxdisasters it's only what the child said: "we washed our boobies together". Children shouldn't be listened to.

[beautifulxdisasters]

OP I do totally get where you are coming from and if DSD's DM had ever expressed concern I would of course have listened. But I have always been of the opinion that me having a good relationship with her DM is vital, and so if I knew her DM was relying on me picking up DSD so she could get to a meeting I'd go out of my way to make sure I was there on time.

Their reaction is the problem here and they do sound way OTT.

[C152H]

BTW, the incident you describe does not suggest at all that you are mentally ill or need help. Your ex was an abusive arsehole and, from the sounds of it, he deliberately still tries to control / ruin your life as much as he is able (using typically abusive language, constantly being late, dismissing your concerns etc). No wonder you shouted at him! This is a NORMAL reaction.

[LadyofTheManners]

@KrisAkabusi

I know you've bhad problems with him, and there's probably lots you gave against him, but I don't see why her showering with your kids is unacceptable though. When you say Partner, I assume she's someone he's with long term rather than a casual girlfriend. If so, isn't it better that your kids are comfortable spending time with her, particularly when she's looking after them?

Nudity isn't inherently wrong and certainly not worth going to SS about!

Are you actually for real?
You think a person not related to a child should be fine to walk around starkers and was with them and wash them whilst naked too?

Are you on glue?

[ErickBroch]

If the showering makes you uncomfortable then that is important. I am not saying this woman is a predator but women do abuse children so let's not brush it off like OP is crazy. With their ages I am sure she has bathed them, but I think she should do just that (if the Dad won't for some reason??) - It is not necessary for them to all shower together.

[LadyofTheManners]

There are a lot of very strange folk on here.
I've not been in a bath or naked near my own children since they were tiny babies and I was so exhausted it was easier to bathe together.
Once a child knows to voice what boobies are then hell no
It's not normal, it's not fine and it's not OK.

[Kitchendiscodiva]

@usersouthcoast Fuck Off.
I would have reacted similarly in your situation OP. What a bloody nightmare. The girlfriend showering and having intimate discussions with your kids is not fine and especially wrong as you have specifically asked her not to. I would flag this with SS and I hope you get the support you need.

[ThatLockdownLyfe]

Well it sounds like your ex is using his new partner for childcare of your DC.. fairly standard when men get new partners. Washing a child is part of childcare.

[Marpan]

That’s disgusting. Why does this partner get naked with your children. It’s perverted.

I mean hello, would any of you strip off
Naked and have a bath with your mates kids.

Didn’t think so.

Also kids pee in the bath and shower so it’s gross.

[roarfeckingroar]

I don't think there's anything weird about the partner showering with your girls. I wouldn't worry about a woman if they feel comfortable. Could anyone consider "boobies" a sexual term? Doubt it.

Your ex sounds like an absolute knob. He's the problem, not her.

[beautifulxdisasters]

@MrsBobDylan I was simply responding to your comment that it "would be naive to think child abusers only use 'grown up' words when grooming children".

We don't know what the partner said. If she did in fact say "let's wash our boobies together", then yes I probably wouldn't consider that ok.

As far as I can see, the child has simply reported that she showered with X. I am merely expressing that I probably wouldn't have done that with DSD, but wouldn't have thought it wildly outside the norm. If the OP has a problem with it, then it is upsetting that her ex refuses to listen, but it's hardly a matter for social services!

[OhCaptain]

Regardless of what anyone on here thinks, you are their parent and as such your boundaries should be considered when it comes to nudity, their bodies, and showering together.

And before anyone jumps on that - yes their other parent‘s views are valid, too.

But here’s the thing - they know OP isn’t comfortable, they don’t have to shower together, so not just respecting her wishes on this is a dickhead move and that’s before you consider the possibility of something more sinister. It’s no skin of this adult woman’s nose not to be showering naked with children who aren’t hers. So why continue agains their mother’s express wishes?

@amiascrazyastheysay you’re not “skanky”. Who even says that anymore?! 😂

I would keep the texts and respond with one reiterating that you are uncomfortable with an adult showering naked and discussing naked bodies with your children. I would also say that if they can’t respect your wishes then you’ll cease contact until you have SS investigate their home and interview the children to ensure that it’s a healthy and safe environment for them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s not unreasonable. If he wants to take you back to court, let him.

[OhCaptain]

And posters here would do well to remember that child sexual abusers aren’t always men.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@beautifulxdisasters we will never have a good relationship unfortunately. I can't unsee the massive bank transactions she accepted so my ex didn't have to declare income in family court. She stole from me and my kids so haven't that healthy relationship will never happen unfortunately. There's too much water under the bridge.

I'm glad you've a much better step parenting relationship going on. I wish I could get there myself. I just find it so so hard doing this on my own. And especially when I now have no childcare.

[beautifulxdisasters]

@OhCaptain

"not just respecting her wishes on this is a dickhead move and that’s before you consider the possibility of something more sinister"

Yes this, completely.

If my DSD's DM expressed discomfort about something I was doing around her, I would take it very seriously and most likely change my behaviour - not ignore the message than shout at her. Even if I thought what I was doing was totally ok.

It's their reaction that's the significant problem here.