Please tell me if I'm crazy

[amiascrazyastheysay]

Named changed for this as it's outing and I've changed a few details. Backstory - Had a horrific breakup with ex. Lots of gaslighting and emotional abuse.

So cue to recently my daughter (3) told me her dads partner showers naked with her and her younger sister. I text my ex and told him this was inappropriate and it was ignored.

Today I told him I'd a meeting and to be on time and he showed up 30mins late for pick up. He has been late every time now since he's found out I have a new job. No apology.

So I lost me shit and told him it was a joke and I'm under severe pressure to get work done as I've no child care due to lockdown. I then shouted at his ex to stop showering with my kids or I'd call social. I will hold my hand up and admit I really lost my cool, I'm under a lot of pressure at work and I'm frustrated at being ignored and disrespected all the time.

Now they've both texting me to tell me I'm crazy, psycho and don't deserve the kids and that I have borderline personality disorder (they're diagnoses)

I'm here crying, because I know I shouldn't have shouted and I did say sorry for that. But they never listen to me. I'm frustrated and I'm exhausted, the kids don't sleep. And I'm trying to work multiple jobs often to deadlines. I just want to know am I crazy? Do I have borderline personality disorder? Do I need help for my head? I'm so ashamed of myself. Was I totally unreasonable?

[TypingoftheDead]

Your ex and his girlfriend sound like they’re trying to keep you off balance by calling you mentally ill, crazy etc, which is abusive. If he weren’t abusive he’d be more likely to be on time, take your feelings into account, stop doing what you were unhappy with and not dismiss your concerns.
I wouldn’t be comfortable with the showering thing either. Doesn’t matter if it isn’t leading to something more, you don’t like it so they really shouldn’t do it.
You’re not crazy, they’re gaslighting you!

[amiascrazyastheysay]

Ok he has just text me to say that he had an "evaluation" done a few years ago on how to deal with my "tantrums". I don't know what to say to this? So I'm not going to reply.

But how is it even possible for someone to give a psychiatric evaluation of someone else without having met them? Is this a real thing? He did mention when we were in family court that he would prove I was a psycho and get the kids off me. He's never gone for full custody btw.

[suchclearwater]

@DopamineHits

That's why they had baths

[AreYouLocal2]

OP, you have every right to be angry. Look up the 'grey rock' method.

In the meantime, accept that your opinion will always be disregarded, you wont be heard, and your ex is useless. Stop hoping he will come halfway, because he wont.

From now on make all communication brief and to the point. Only communicate via text or email.

As for the gf showering with our kids - hell no!!!! Put a stop to that.

[couchparsnip]

Have you kept messages where they are telling you you're crazy? It might be worth speaking to social services about them and possibly the police. It could be classed as harrassment.

[Mary1935]

He’s just trying to get to you so you need to try and rise above it.
Please don’t respond.
Can you use emails for contact. Then it’s weekly.
They are a pair of arse wipes!!!
Keep a record of what he says to you and see a solicitor.
They sound a very unhealthy pair.
Google grey rock as another poster suggested.
You be the bigger person.
You could run it by social services and get advice from women’s aid.

[ABlackRussian]

Go and see your GP, tell them how you are feeling and ask them to refer you to your local CMHT.

Pointless asking anyone on here, they are not qualified to diagnose.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@couchparsnip yes I've all the messages although I've now blocked her. I have her blocked on everything else and had asked her not to contact me again so didn't actually know she could still text until today.

I was doing really well with grey rock but I guess stress, frustration of not being heard and tiredness haven't helped. Both parents work full time so don't have anyone to ask to take the kids really. Was heavily reliant on childcare before covid and was managing - okish. I currently get only 8 hours off during the week ( 4 hour slots) and spend these working. Not much personal time or downtime.

[BabyLlamaZen]

A stranger showering naked with two small girls is really weird, especially when you- the mother! - doesnt find it acceptable. They're both tossers.

[Thinkingabout1t]

They sound like a vile couple. They have no right to sleep or shower with your children, and the OW acting as if she's their mother, after colluding in a major theft from you and them, would make me sick.

Could you not get a lawyer onto the bank transfers? What they did was illegal as well as immoral. They really are not fit to have your children.

[MikeUniformMike]

Now they've both texting me to tell me I'm crazy, psycho and don't deserve the kids and that I have borderline personality disorder (they're diagnoses)

I think you mean their diagnoses, it alters the context.

The sentence I have quoted from your op is exactly the sort of thing abusers say. Accusing you of being mad so that no one believes you.

[Couchbettato]

I would ring social services. I wouldn't even give a warning.

[beautifulxdisasters]

"he had an "evaluation" done a few years ago on how to deal with my "tantrums""

Yeah definitely don't reply to this he's just trying to wind you up!

I would keep all communication very factual, and by text or email where possible so you have evidence. E.g.

"I raised with you that I am not comfortable with X showering with Y. I was prepared to have a sensible, calm conversation about this and to understand your point of view. However, I will not tolerate verbal harassment from you and from X in response to my raising this.

Please do not verbally abuse me or comment on my mental health in front of the children in future. If you do I will consider this parental alienation and harassment and act appropriately."

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@Thinkingabout1t i can't go into specifics on here as it's too outing but I didn't subpoena her bank accounts as I was too shattered from
The court fight. I was breastfeeding a newborn baby and self representing at the same time. Let's just say she made around 30/40k in a few months. A 10k payment was made 3 days before I gave birth, and yet he couldn't help pay for my hospital bills.

[KrisAkabusi]

23BabyLlamaZen

A stranger showering naked with two small girls is really weird, especially when you- the mother! - doesnt find it acceptable.

Oh FFS! She's not a stranger, she's their stepmother in all but name, and has been looking after them for most or all of their lives.

[beautifulxdisasters]

OP are you in the US? Just wondering with the talk of subpoena and hospital bills. Just that it may make a difference as to what social services/courts are willing to get involved with.

[Thinkingabout1t]

God, that is sickening, OP. You're getting good advice from others here: keep the messages, go to social services, and above all don't let them hurt you as they are trying to do. Best of luck.

[AngryPrincess]

GF sounds well dodgy. Bollocks to ‘it could be innocent’. No way should that be happening. Maybe talk to a doctor about it? And/ or social services. That gf’s behaviour is v. weird.

[couchparsnip]

Yes take the messages to social services. They could at least have a word with her about how their attitude to you is affecting the kids. Rejecting you is rejecting a part of the children and they will take that on board.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@beautifulxdisasters I'm not based in the US. A lot closer to home. I can't say much more about the case as it's way too outing. Let's just say massive financial abuse before, during and after pregnancy. Hence why I'm trying to work my ass off so I'm not financially reliant on him.

[La1ka]

I think the showering thing is totally inappropriate and I would not be happy with that at all. If I’m honest, maybe I’m being extreme, but I would be taking legal advice over that. No one else should be showering naked with your children. Maybe I’m overreacting, but I think that’s really inappropriate.

[OhCaptain]

No, he can’t have gotten a psych evaluation done on you without you being there! He’s a gobshite.

Don’t fall for it.

[La1ka]

Also, stop replying to them altogether to ensure your own safety should you wish to take this further.

[Jellybeansincognito]

Well first of all stop giving him the time you need him by, go earlier, be one step ahead there.

This needs to be mediated/ court ordered doesn’t it.
It won’t get better on its own.

[Juliehooligan]

I would have done the same thing in your position, all of it, the shouting, the threats to call social services, the whole shebang. You already know he has a history of gaslighting you, and now he has got his girlfriend on to you. They are your children, and it’s up to you to protect them however you feel fit to.