Please tell me if I'm crazy

[amiascrazyastheysay]

Named changed for this as it's outing and I've changed a few details. Backstory - Had a horrific breakup with ex. Lots of gaslighting and emotional abuse.

So cue to recently my daughter (3) told me her dads partner showers naked with her and her younger sister. I text my ex and told him this was inappropriate and it was ignored.

Today I told him I'd a meeting and to be on time and he showed up 30mins late for pick up. He has been late every time now since he's found out I have a new job. No apology.

So I lost me shit and told him it was a joke and I'm under severe pressure to get work done as I've no child care due to lockdown. I then shouted at his ex to stop showering with my kids or I'd call social. I will hold my hand up and admit I really lost my cool, I'm under a lot of pressure at work and I'm frustrated at being ignored and disrespected all the time.

Now they've both texting me to tell me I'm crazy, psycho and don't deserve the kids and that I have borderline personality disorder (they're diagnoses)

I'm here crying, because I know I shouldn't have shouted and I did say sorry for that. But they never listen to me. I'm frustrated and I'm exhausted, the kids don't sleep. And I'm trying to work multiple jobs often to deadlines. I just want to know am I crazy? Do I have borderline personality disorder? Do I need help for my head? I'm so ashamed of myself. Was I totally unreasonable?

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@Vodkacranberryplease I don't want to spend the rest of my life in court. The kids and I are secure, have a roof over our heads and our health. I already moved a considerable distance and they've followed. I'm not moving again. I don't think it's healthy to spend too much time thinking of them.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I don't blame you OP. It just fucking sucks and it's hard. And tbf £30k is a lot for not a great result.

These people are going to cause you a big problem though. Huge. You need to be looking at any way away from them even if you have to move to the other side of the country if you can. And you need to be looking for their weakness eg does he do this in front of her? If not there's a weakness.

While the children are little you are convenient, once they get older it will change. Think. What can you do? Is he unfaithful? Would someone be able to split them up?

And can you subpoena her accounts now? Fraud is fraud after all. Or is she someone that potentially could be useful to you if she doesn't know what a cunt he is - she will be finding out soon.

This is a lot like another older thread. Theres some great stuff online about these dynamics and you could try eft for the trauma/your mood which is free and can be done at home. Google it.

Because they will take everything given even half the chance and in 5 years or less you could be in a very different situation. You need a way to keep him very busy and focused firefighting elsewhere,

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@Vodkacranberryplease and I did spent 30k on solicitors but because he delayed valuation of the business for a full year and they also wanted another 50k to precede to court I couldn't afford it. I'm proud I self represented the rest of the case and didn't do too bad
For myself. I could have subpoenaed her bank accounts but to be honest, I wanted a settlement and wanted it to be over. I don't want to go back and focus on that now as it's old news. We can't win every battle in life no matter how fair it is. And the old adage that money is power is very true.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@Vodkacranberryplease he spent 100k on solicitors, and because of financial abuse I could not afford legal help. Due to a joint business I was ineligible for legal aid despite from blocking me from going to work, email and our joint business bank account. And no she will not be taking the kids off me full time. We have a court order in place for visitation for 5 years.

And no I'm not a push over or a soft touch. And I definitely will NOT be having more children. I'm happy with my little family. It would be nice to meet someone new but I'm not sure I'll be that lucky and I don't really have any time as all I do is mind the kids and work and study.

[truthisarevolutionaryact]

Well done OP for recognising that you shouldn't have lost it with them. You sound completely worn down by it all.
You're correct about boundaries - I suppose the main issue given the complexities of the situation is whether you feel the OW is a threat to your children or just thoughtless and uncaring about your boundaries? The answer to that question should dictate whether you take the issue further?

[truthisarevolutionaryact]

Vodkacranberryplease . Are you seriously suggesting that the OP hands over her children to her ex and gets some new ones with another man?

You don't mention if you have a new partner if not I would get one, give the children to the ex now and have children with the new partner, moving far away. It's happening anyway whether you like it or not in a few years time.

That's not how parenting works.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@borntohula I get it alright. I've had literally nothing and do not have a family that helps with anything. Everything I do is 100% down to me. I have started from scratch twice. I have no degree, no old girls network and no training on anything. I have done difficult jobs and have never been financially supported ever.

I had (until last year) an abusive business partner and the only thing that changed that part was seeing an excellent solicitor, finally, who went through my options (which I didn't know I had despite extensive research for years and advice from others) and it was over in about 8 months.

The solicitor is around £400 an hour. We had our first meeting, a second and third one and a few emails and calls in between as he took me through the procedure I needed to follow. I'm guessing it cost around £3000-4000 over that time to get my business, my life and my sanity back.

People represent themselves in family court all the time. But they consult a solicitor, they find out EXACTLY what they need to say, and do and they follow that advice to the letter.

The other side can have a barrister but if you act completely as you need to and 100% stick to your guns, be truthful and control your emotions in court then if you have a case and are legally right they are fucked. But to do that without getting expert advice all the way and knowing where their weak points are is just foolish imho.

It's just living in the world of 'i wish It were this' instead of 'this is what it is and what I have to deal with'. Who has the emotional energy to do this shit? I don't. But I have to MAKE myself just like the OP has to make herself do all the things looking after children entails.

The difference is when the chips are down I'm looking for a way out and keep looking until I find it. The OP wants it to just all go away and is looking for a reason why she can't.

The focus is 'why this can't happen' instead of 'how it can happen'. I nearly walked away from it all too - abuse is hard. I had almost no one on my side and he had everyone.

I tried meditation, medication, removing myself (wfh), controlling my emotions, working harder and the ONLY thing that saved me was a very good solicitor who knew every loophole and right and process.

A solicitor knows exactly how you can get where you need to and if you can't face parts of it will send the letters (or at least point you towards templates). And having hope is the only cure for any of the depression and inertia that comes with these situations.

But well meaning people like you enable it with nice comments about poor you it's not your fault. Sympathy is great but not if it keeps that person stuck because they see themselves as a victim with no options.

[m0therofdragons]

Can you temporarily set up a back up plan for childcare. If he doesn’t arrive by x time then dc will be taken to childcare so you can work. He doesn’t need to know where this is. If he’s late then dc have to go to back up Childcare and he misses visitation until you are not at work and can facilitate pick up.

You cannot spend your life waiting on him and he needs to realise this. Don’t be smug just be clear that his lateness is causing you issues and your job is essential for your dc wellbeing and as such you are putting in place plans to ensure your job is not at risk.

[Jux]

Looking at it from the pov of what is best for the children, then I think that their having another adult female they can go to with worries or hurts is great. They know you're their mum, she can't take that away from you, and they're not going to forget it, but it's good to have as many trusted adults in your life as you can get, when you're a child. The more people they have looking out for them the better, surely?

[borntohula]

Don't you get it vodka, some people physically do not have the money to pay a solicitor! They can't conjure it up from nowhere!

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Typo.
Being poor me and hoping for miracles like they think the divorce fairy exists snd the evil ex will suddenly decide he has a heart. I'm not sure whether it's just not understanding or not wanting to but evil bastards are evil bastards and anyone that fails to understand that and act according need not be surprised when they do.

What next? Swimming with crocodiles and being surprised you get eaten? Walking around a safari park and being amazed that journaling and you new calm demeanour didn't stop the lionesses from killing you?

[Vodkacranberryplease]

This is the very type that will go after everything out of spite and keep you poor forever. He's already trying to stop her working. A solicitor even just got advice would have got her the 30k he stole.

It's a false economy to not get legal advice. I'm in business and when I see the ridiculous stupid things some women do and how they let their abusers roll over them - failing to protect their children I could scream. Journaling ffs. Seriously??

But no, on they go. Beinb poor me

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Born to hula no one can afford NOT to have one with an abusive, unfaithful, fraudulent ex. That's just asking for it.

[borntohula]

@vodkacranberryplease not everyone can afford a solicitor...

[Vodkacranberryplease]

That sounds harsh but you are so passive it's the truth unless you sort this guy out. Or unless you spend every second asking every single person you know if they can take them. Do you have any friends at all? Family? Can you not share their care where you take their kids one day and vice versa?
Literally anyone is breed than these two. Mostly do you don't have to have contact but also so they don't get ideas.
Otherwise she is going to decide she is willing and able to keep them.
You also don't mention if his sly digs etc are in front of her? Or does he not want her to see? If he is careful in front of her then you should record him. And play it back to her.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

You self represented? Omg. No wonder you got done. Unfortunately as you aren't able to strategically deal with this, dont have the legal knowledge and won't hire someone that does you are going to have to watch while she takes you're children from you. She has no morals and neither does he so unless you can find out how to move away now which you won't you might as well forget it.
They are too young now but as they get older and less hassle for her they will take them. They will have loads of money and will be able to offer the good things in life, holidays Etc.
You don't mention if you have a new partner if not I would get one, give the children to the ex now and have children with the new partner, moving far away. It's happening anyway whether you like it or not in a few years time.
Courts will give you visiting rights and he will have got what he wants so won't be harassing you.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@Vodkacranberryplease I did fight for a year in court. I fought very hard and self represented. I got a settlement. Although smaller than what I should have been entitled too, as he defrauded us, I see no point in continuing that fight forever. I cut my loses and started fresh which is what I did.

I could bring him back to court over the lateness but the secondary judge we dealt with is very male orientated and was very supportive of my ex re: him being "poor" (he owns multiple businesses and houses) For the most part I've made peace with this but I just can't for the life of me understand how a woman could just come in and think all this money from our business was hers.

It's so far removed from my moral compass and It was partly why I was questioning if I was right to be upset about the showering as I'm not sure if the backstory clouds it. I can't see her as a loving, caring person when she stole from us. Especially when I was so vulnerable being pregnant.

I just need to get by until childcare opens up again and then I have that support and I'm Not reliant on ex for childcare.

I also need to learn how to get my shit together and write these things all in emails and keep better logs rather than trying to talk to him, getting ignored and then flipping out.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

By the way ignoring him is not the same as him walking all over you! It's the opposite where YOU control the interactions. You TELL him how it's going to be, you ignore his lies and you ACT in exactly the way you said you would without comment or discussion.

Whereas you seem to think that yelling at them
Is standing up for yourself. But it's actually losing control and is the opposite.

It feels very young to me. But the situation is only going to get worse and you will lose everything.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@amiascrazyastheysay There is a part of you that is allowing this. I understand he can afford good solicitors - but he stole money and you didn't fight. He can say you are taking the children if you are late but he can do what he wants.. legally that's not possible. But you seem to believe it.

You are sitting back and letting this happen and it's awful, but do not seem to be able to do anything to stop it. He doesn't have all the power - he only has what you give him.

You could go after that FRAUDULENTLY transferred money and put a stop to this tomorrow. You could go after his pension. If the judge doesn't take his lateness seriously and you have court appointed times he ignores what makes you think they will come down on you like a ton of bricks?

You will lose your job and your children and then what? Are you just going to let him do that? You seem to be waiting for a miracle. He's utterly fucked you over and you do not appear to have had anything approaching expert advice or help.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@GilbertMarkham this is why I cried like a baby after they left as they've won again. Of course I'm crazy and he had to leave. He even got an "evaluation" on my "tantrums" to prove it. I do need to work on my triggers. I leave it all build up for weeks, months and then it gets too much: I'm always told ignore him. But then he just walks all over me. I don't think going back to court will help as he can afford really really expensive solicitors.

I'm really surprised at so many people saying it's ok to shower as she's a step mum. If I was lucky enough to meet a nice man with kids. I would never ever dream of showering naked with his kids.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@eleventy3isthemagicnumber I'd rather go on my gut feelings about my kids safety rather than figures on a survey. That's how I parent. I'm not comfortable with it, my feelings are being dismissed, ignored and gaslighted.

[goody2shooz]

Tell your ex to collect the children at least half an hour before you actually need him to?!

[MikeUniformMike]

I guess so.

The father's partner isn't a step-parent though. I don't think I would be too happy with young DC having a shower with their Dad's girlfriend.

The 'psycho, crazy' comments are a sign of an abuser.

[eleventy3isthemagicnumber]

[quote MikeUniformMike]@eleventy3isthemagicnumber, The father's partner isn't a step-parent.

Not all abusers are male.[/quote]
I didn't say they are. But the number of female abusers, acting alone to sexually abuse kids is vanishingingly small compared to male abusers. Surely you are aware of this?

[madcatladyforever]

i would ring social services immediately and report the showering. Its not on.
I'd have lost my shit as well, why can't they turn up on time.