Please tell me if I'm crazy

[amiascrazyastheysay]

Named changed for this as it's outing and I've changed a few details. Backstory - Had a horrific breakup with ex. Lots of gaslighting and emotional abuse.

So cue to recently my daughter (3) told me her dads partner showers naked with her and her younger sister. I text my ex and told him this was inappropriate and it was ignored.

Today I told him I'd a meeting and to be on time and he showed up 30mins late for pick up. He has been late every time now since he's found out I have a new job. No apology.

So I lost me shit and told him it was a joke and I'm under severe pressure to get work done as I've no child care due to lockdown. I then shouted at his ex to stop showering with my kids or I'd call social. I will hold my hand up and admit I really lost my cool, I'm under a lot of pressure at work and I'm frustrated at being ignored and disrespected all the time.

Now they've both texting me to tell me I'm crazy, psycho and don't deserve the kids and that I have borderline personality disorder (they're diagnoses)

I'm here crying, because I know I shouldn't have shouted and I did say sorry for that. But they never listen to me. I'm frustrated and I'm exhausted, the kids don't sleep. And I'm trying to work multiple jobs often to deadlines. I just want to know am I crazy? Do I have borderline personality disorder? Do I need help for my head? I'm so ashamed of myself. Was I totally unreasonable?

[Thelnebriati]

Keep those texts OP. You might need them later.

[MrsBobDylan]

I am amazed at the number of people here who think it's ok that a three year old and a woman who is unrelated to her and is in a sexual relationship with her Dad, are washing "their boobies together". I would think SS would find that very worrying.

I think I have just stumbled into an alternate universe where exposing yourself to a three year old and using sexual language with her is ok.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@ginginchinchin this is what I'm
Concerned about. I would never think of showering with someone else's kid. Even as a step parent.

And yes to those asking she's been in their lives since before my youngest was born. Baby is only 18months. She was OW.

[beautifulxdisasters]

You do sound like you've gone immediately to shouty ranty mode rather than trying to have a rational conversation about things, but I can see why.

I don't think the nudity is necessarily a huge problem. DSD has known me since before she could talk - I wouldn't get in the bath with her but there were times when she was 3 that she came into the bedroom while I was changing, or we have got changed for swimming together etc. She definitely asked things at that age like "Does Daddy have boobs?" "Does T (my name) have boobs?" out of curiosity. It would be stranger and almost encourage her to think there was something weird and taboo going on if I insisted on changing elsewhere/locking my bedroom door, I think. I would never have deliberately showered/bathed with her though. But if this is someone who's heavily involved in her life and has been for some time I don't think it's necessarily bad.

That said, your ex being constantly late is totally unacceptable, as is their reaction to your rant, and it sounds like he's the one that's way out of line here.

[MrsBobDylan]

@usersouthcoast it is not acceptable to name call on here like a hormonal teenager. Get a grip.

[MrsBobDylan]

So if a man showered with his girlfriends three year old son and said they were 'washing their willy's together' that would sit ok with everyone?

[beautifulxdisasters]

@MrsBobDylan sexual language???

I think most 3 year olds I've ever encountered would know the word "boobies" or similar, if that's what you're referring to!

[MrsBobDylan]

I have reported you @usersouthcoast as you are adding nothing and detracting from the rather serious issue at hand.

[usersouthcoast]

@mrsbobdylan ok

[beautifulxdisasters]

Fair enough thinking the showering together isn't ok, but calling it "sexual language"?!

[Nottherealslimshady]

She should not be showering with your kids.
I dont think I'd let them go anymore. It's totally inappropriate. Imagine if it was the other way round and your boyfriend was showering with them, how would your ex feel?

[MrsBobDylan]

@beautifulxdisasters so you'd be okay with the the same scenario with your three year old son and your ex's boyfriend talking about washing willys, which is the same childish language used by little boys?

Wow.

[Fizzysours]

I don't think you sound crazy. Or skanky. Showering with somebody's kids is worrying. So you raised something worrying and were ignored. I think a lot of mums would have found that so upsetting, they would also have shouted. You are trying to ensure your kids are ok. Don't listen to your weird ex and his weird girlfriend when it comes to your mental health OP

[Yummymummy2020]

I don’t think it’s that big a deal you shouted to be honest, you know you lost your cool most people do on occasion when under immense pressure whether they admit it or not. I think you are right about the showering I wouldn’t be happy with that at all.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@beautifulxdisasters it's nice to see it from the other side so maybe I should be more open. They all sleep together in the bed too. I just think it's inappropriate personally.

for the most part I've accepted she's a big part of the kids (as she minds them More than he does) lives despite the damage they've caused to my life.

I know I was wrong for shouting. I'm under a huge amount of pressure with work and study. And I'm so sick of the disrespect and the limited time to earn an income.

I just wonder am I really mentally ill? Does my post come across like I need to see a psychologist? What's a normal and abnormal reaction.

[bloodyhellsbellsx]

Do people really consider boobies sexual language?!

[Windyatthebeach]

Imo seek advice from nspcc and report to ss. Seek legal advice.
Your concerns will be on paper. Your ex can seek a court order..
Child sex abusers aren't just male.

[MrsBobDylan]

Boobies refer to a part of female anatomy - the word is fine the context is not. I give up.

[twilightermummy]

YANBU. If he wants to see his kids he can turn up on time for them. It sounds like he's causing just as much stress being around as he is helping by providing childcare.

I wouldn't be at all happy with the showering situation. Do not let them tell you that you're crazy, it's just another way that he is gaslighting you (and her). I'd suggest to them that if they feel that confident there is nothing wrong with this then you can ask mutual friends if they share their opinion. I'd bet they don't.

Seriously, cut yourself off from him as much as poss. No way should she be texting you.

[Fizzysours]

@beautifulxdisasters please wise up on grooming. Using non threatening words for parts of the body that adults find sexual, whilst naked with the child, is the problem here, actually classic grooming behaviour, the issue is really not 'whether 3 year olds ever heard boobies'

[C152H]

Of course you're not crazy - though abusive men frequently accuse women of this...

You shouted, you felt it was the wrong thing to do, so you apologised. Done and dusted. I wouldn't dwell on it.

Personally, it would find it extremely inappropriate if anyone but me or my ex showered with our child. Given you feel so strongly about it, perhaps you should think about what you feel is a reasonable solution (are you happy for the new partner to bathe your children, provided the partner is dressed?) and consider raising it with your ex again, at a time when neither of you is rushed or already cross about something else.

[beautifulxdisasters]

If she has been in the life of a 3yo and an 18mo for some time, she has probably changed their nappies and helped them bathe. So no, I don't quite understand what the hysteria is about them having seen her "boobies".

I would not do it with my DSD, and certainly if her DM mentioned it I would stop. But she at 3 had certainly seen me topless while changing for swimming, just like she had her DM. I don't think this is a problem.

[AmelieTaylor]

@ginginchinchin

Any third party being naked with your kids is obviously something you should be concerned about. *@justforthecake* is wrong.

No she's not.

Nudity is fine, it's good for children to see that bodies come in all shapes & sizes and to accept our bodies as they are