Please tell me if I'm crazy

[amiascrazyastheysay]

Named changed for this as it's outing and I've changed a few details. Backstory - Had a horrific breakup with ex. Lots of gaslighting and emotional abuse.

So cue to recently my daughter (3) told me her dads partner showers naked with her and her younger sister. I text my ex and told him this was inappropriate and it was ignored.

Today I told him I'd a meeting and to be on time and he showed up 30mins late for pick up. He has been late every time now since he's found out I have a new job. No apology.

So I lost me shit and told him it was a joke and I'm under severe pressure to get work done as I've no child care due to lockdown. I then shouted at his ex to stop showering with my kids or I'd call social. I will hold my hand up and admit I really lost my cool, I'm under a lot of pressure at work and I'm frustrated at being ignored and disrespected all the time.

Now they've both texting me to tell me I'm crazy, psycho and don't deserve the kids and that I have borderline personality disorder (they're diagnoses)

I'm here crying, because I know I shouldn't have shouted and I did say sorry for that. But they never listen to me. I'm frustrated and I'm exhausted, the kids don't sleep. And I'm trying to work multiple jobs often to deadlines. I just want to know am I crazy? Do I have borderline personality disorder? Do I need help for my head? I'm so ashamed of myself. Was I totally unreasonable?

[Windyatthebeach]

Please seek legal advice.

[ArnoldBee]

I dont think the showering business in isolation is a huge issue - though I'm quite impressed 2 kids and an adult fit in the shower as mine was tiny. I used to shower DSD and it was a bloody nightmare as I always ended up being soaked. Many times I thought about trying to make it easier.
The issue is your relationship with each other.

[iamkahleesi]

I'm sorry you're going through this. They are not in a position to evaluate you or diagnose you. I'm a safeguarding lead and this would cause me concern. I would suggest you call the NSPCC in the first instance for impartial advice as this will give you some perspective. Help for adults concerned about a child
Call us on 0808 800 5000
You can contact social care directly or speak to the school / nursery if your children attend. Stay strong and stay calm.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@Jellybeansincognito it is court ordered. He just shows up whenever. Most recently since he's found out about my new role. Which has a deadline every Tuesday, and surprise, surprise he's gotten later and later every Tuesday pickup.

[MolyHolyGuacamole]

A few weeks ago everyone seemed to find it perfectly acceptable that a nan took a shit while grandchild splashed away in the bath. That's far more offensive to me.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@ArnoldBee yes it is. I find him a massive stressor. I know I'll never get an apology for what they've done to me. I've moved past that. I've tried to introduce as much outside support as I can muster but my hands are tied until childcare reopens for non front line workers which in my country it hasn't yet.

[BluntAndToThePoint80]

I agree with @beautifulxdisasters.

My mum was a nurse (later a midwife) so was raised very much with the idea that a body is just a body. We all have the same bits and if my kids see me / their dad naked, it’s no big deal. (I also wonder if it would stop curious dr and nurses type games as they get older but who knows - I’m sure people will be along to say not).

At the swimming pool I’ll take my kids into the family changing room and we shower together. I still sing the washing song to my kids so we wash and name our body parts together as we go along. At home we have a giant walk in shower so I get in with them to help washing hair etc...

Both situations are more practical for me to be in there with them. We don’t actually know if it’s something like this.

In this case, this woman is their step mum and has been in their lives from birth / very young. She has been trusted to look after these kids intimately (changing nappies, potty training etc) by the sound of it, so I think this is just an extension.

People have widely different views on this. I’m not sure the OP thinks this woman is abusing her children - although she clearly doesn’t like her (maybe for good reason) and is uncomfortable with it. Ideally, they’d take the OP’s views into consideration but with the way this relationship has broken down it’s not likely. They’ll just do what they want in their time. As can the OP. Both parents will have to make decisions in the best interest of the child whilst they have care of them. They may not always agree.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@iamkahleesi thanks for the info, I defo think I'll look into it abit more.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@BluntAndToThePoint80 if you separated from your partner and met someone new, you'd have no issue with this man or woman showering & sleeping with your kids?

[RandomMess]

With him turning up for late for contact. I would email a statement.

"The order states contact runs from x time, if you are more than 10 minutes late I will assume you have cancelled."

You will need to arrange the time off work etc but them literally go out every time . It is the only thing that will work.

If he takes it back to court the court will agree that you don't need to hang around!

[BluntAndToThePoint80]

It depends on the circumstances. One one hand I’d never be happy with another woman looking after my kids because I’m a bit selfish and I’m their mum. On the other, is want them to have a good, kind and loving relationship with any step parent and if they’d been in their lives since birth and done that level of care since then I think I’d be ok. If they were 15, when they met the woman, then not.

[NoMoreDickheads]

I don't think expecting your ex to be on time when you really need him to be because you have work, or for a stranger not to shower with your children, is unreasonable or pathological.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

For FUCKS sake. Why did you let him do this? You didn't prove he hid the money??! And now he's saying he had an evaluation to deal with your tantrums and you're asking if you have a serious personality disorder because he told you even though he's the one exhibiting all the signs of one?

They stole your life and now they are both abusing you. The evaluation thing is the biggest pile of shit I've ever heard. Total lies. The you being insane is just 100% typical of abusers. Threatening to take the children off you is just sick. And typical.

You do not have bpd but my god you are letting just any old shit happen. Bank records go back 6 years. Start there. Prove the fraud. Talk to social services about the frankly fucked up care she's getting there.

The OW is a freak. Your ex is a freak. You are not but omg you need to grow a spine and put an end to this instead of getting upset because he's pushed you so far.

See a fucking solicitor get that money and move far away. And report them to social services. This is just too sick for words.

And yes I agree the loony on here before probably was the ow. So she will be warned. Get some people with guts, specialist knowledge and intelligence on your side. The more fearless and ruthless the better.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Let me just say what IS crazy OP. You expecting anything approaching reasonableness, fairness, decency or honesty from either of these two.

He's deliberately trying to lose you your job. They will lie and cheat and steal and go whatever the hell they want.

If you think shouting at him is going to make a difference to their calculated abuse you are wrong. If you think not standing up to him makes him better you are wrong. You just keep being passive and too tired to fight. You'll lose your job, your children and your sanity.

They see you as a pathetic nothing - useful to have at the moment but expendable when it doesn't suit. OMG wake up. Please just see a fucking solicitor and not a shitty nice one who doesn't know how this works.

[ATomeOfOnesOwn]

Ask for this to be moved to Relationships OP. There are a section of posters on MN atm that are invested in trying to normalise grooming behaviour, inappropriate contact with DCs.
The problem isn't the nudity. It's the showering together. It's unnecessary and blurs boundaries about bodily autonomy, etc.
You need to access counselling and RL support. If you have a relative who can facilitate contact (eg your parent) then do so. Cut your interactions with your ex and the OW down to a minimum. They are toxic and you need to start to build boundaries.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@BluntAndToThePoint80
In this case, this woman is their step mum and has been in their lives from birth / very young. She has been trusted to look after these kids intimately (changing nappies, potty training etc) by the sound of it, so I think this is just an extension.

No, what she is is a fraudster who colluded in a highly illegal hiding of assets, taking money from a woman who had children - she took that money from them. She had an affair with a married man and not only did she do that she took money from his wife and children and now wants to take her children. She is also collaborating in the abuse of those children's mother.

And now she is showering with those children and sleeping with them. It's too weird for words.

[ChloeCC]

I wouldn't be happy with anyone but myself or my children's dad showering / bathing with them. It's too intimate.

[eleventy3isthemagicnumber]

I just think if I let a male partner (I don't have one) shower with my kids that would be inappropriate. But it's ok for another women to shower with them?

98% of sex crime is committed by men. I don't know how much of that is minors.

When women commit sex crime there's usually a man involved or a financial reason (e.g. selling the pictures online).

It's very rare for a woman acting alone to sexually abuse a child. (I'm assuming you have no concerns about your ex as you haven't mentioned it).

So yes, there's a massive difference in an unrelated female partner and an unrelated male partner showering with a child.

I can't tell you whether you should or shouldn't be concerned about this situation. That's up to you and depends on the individuals involved.

Personally I'd be banging down the door / refusing contact if a male ex was showering with my DD. But if it was a woman, I'd not worry as long as I had no concerns about my ex being abusive.

[eleventy3isthemagicnumber]

Sorry I wrote that wrong! It should say:

Personally I'd be banging down the door / refusing contact if a male PARTNER OF an ex was showering with my DD. But if it was a woman, I'd not worry as long as I had no concerns about my ex being abusive.

[bluevioletcrimsonsky]

Haven't RTFT, but yes, you sound like you are over reacting. Don't try to ruin the life your children have at your ex's, just because of your anger against him.

[m0therofdragons]

I’m stunned at how many people think it’s okay for a step parent to get naked with a dc. The stats for children being sexually abused by a parent’s parter is really high. I’m usually really chilled but don’t see how anyone can think this is okay. Mn baffles me. He’s clearly controlling op too by deliberately being late to impact on her job so increasing the stress, no wonder she lost her shit. Turning up late means op spent 30 minutes panicking she’d not be able to work until his highness rocks up. How is any of this okay?

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

Get legal advice.

[borntohula]

Hold on a minute, why say 'what if OP's boyfriend was showering with them,' I thought the general consensus on MN was that men pose more of a risk than women (which I agree with because, statistics).

[nonamex3]

yeah I too find it seriously odd that people on here think its appropriate for an adult who is not either of the childs parent to shower with two children. my nan used to look after me every weekend and never once took a shower or bath with me - so I dont think it matters how often she has them. there are boundaries

[borntohula]

Ah @eleventy3isthemagicnumber has already covered my point more eloquently.