Please tell me if I'm crazy

[amiascrazyastheysay]

Named changed for this as it's outing and I've changed a few details. Backstory - Had a horrific breakup with ex. Lots of gaslighting and emotional abuse.

So cue to recently my daughter (3) told me her dads partner showers naked with her and her younger sister. I text my ex and told him this was inappropriate and it was ignored.

Today I told him I'd a meeting and to be on time and he showed up 30mins late for pick up. He has been late every time now since he's found out I have a new job. No apology.

So I lost me shit and told him it was a joke and I'm under severe pressure to get work done as I've no child care due to lockdown. I then shouted at his ex to stop showering with my kids or I'd call social. I will hold my hand up and admit I really lost my cool, I'm under a lot of pressure at work and I'm frustrated at being ignored and disrespected all the time.

Now they've both texting me to tell me I'm crazy, psycho and don't deserve the kids and that I have borderline personality disorder (they're diagnoses)

I'm here crying, because I know I shouldn't have shouted and I did say sorry for that. But they never listen to me. I'm frustrated and I'm exhausted, the kids don't sleep. And I'm trying to work multiple jobs often to deadlines. I just want to know am I crazy? Do I have borderline personality disorder? Do I need help for my head? I'm so ashamed of myself. Was I totally unreasonable?

[gutentag1]

Do you need them for childcare? I'd be tempted to say next time that if they're over 10 minutes late you won't be opening the door.

[beautifulxdisasters]

@amiascrazyastheysay I think that's why I feel the very reactionary views either way on this thread about whether your ex's partner "should" shower with your DD aren't necessarily helpful. It's not a scandalous matter for social services, but equally you're uncomfortable with it so they should respect that.

It's the lack of respect for you that's the issue that somehow needs resolving not the actual behaviour.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I've seen just one post from usersouthcoast, the only one that wasn't deleted, but from other posters' reactions I find myself wondering whether she might be the ex's GF.

Using the word "skanky" says so much more about the person saying it than the one they're saying it to.

Oh, and many mothers (including me) have ended up needing counselling, anti-depressants and worse after an ex's tender treatment, but still kept our kids, so I wouldn't worry overmuch.

[Regretful123]

My housemate once showered with her niece. They went to see the newborn sibling and had been around dogs/out in the garden. We only have a shower. Yeah so bad.

[hazandduck]

[quote amiascrazyastheysay]@beautifulxdisasters we will never have a good relationship unfortunately. I can't unsee the massive bank transactions she accepted so my ex didn't have to declare income in family court. She stole from me and my kids so haven't that healthy relationship will never happen unfortunately. There's too much water under the bridge.

I'm glad you've a much better step parenting relationship going on. I wish I could get there myself. I just find it so so hard doing this on my own. And especially when I now have no childcare. [/quote]
I don’t blame you for feeling as you do. My Dsis had similar she is further down the line but her exH cheated whilst she was pregnant and they also had a 3 year old. She found those early years so difficult and her ex also used the OW as childcare. Why do these arseholes always get away with taking responsibility for their own children? She also has been struggling in lockdown (her kids are 7 and 10) she is working from home and home schooling and incredibly stressed. Sorry if that story is unhelpful but you aren’t alone and getting stressed now and then is totally understandable, it doesn’t make you mentally ill. Sending you my thoughts, you are doing amazingly in horrible circumstances ❤️

[TiddlestheCat]

There is nothing wrong with nudity and I wouldn't consider 'boobies' to be sexual language. However, I think that sometimes we see our children as extensions of ourselves, particularly when they are small. Therefore it's natural that you wouldn't want the OW stepping over that boundary and getting physically close to your babies. It's hard to view the issue logically when emotions are high. However, from a safeguarding position, I would not be concerned and I can see that she was most probably trying to kill two birds with one stone and wash her whilst washing herself. Sometimes it's just quicker to do that. So yes, she has sort of stepped into your role, which must feel uncomfortable. On the other hand it sounds like she is bonding with your DD and also taking on the role of caregiver, probably because your ex is a bit shit and not doing it himself. You were wrong to shout. They were wrong to retaliate, which is all that it is.

[beautifulxdisasters]

You sound like you're under crazy amounts of pressure though OP. Are you sure there's nothing you can access in terms of childcare? Lots of nurseries and childminders round here are starting back now.

[Cam2020]

Bloody hell, OP, you're under a lot of pressure and you're only human. We all have our breaking point, although some M'Netters never seem to lose their temper and always have a perfectly relational response to everything, the rest of us mere mortals have been known to lose our shit from time to time.

The showering thing is most likely innocent, but I agree it's odd and I don't think I'd be comfortable with it either.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

@OhCaptain this is where I get so frustrated. My opinions are constantly overlooked and then I'm just told I'm psycho, over reacting, mental or have one of a multitude of mental health issues. When the reality is frustration at not being heard is the base line and anger at not having the support of another parent.

[Eckhart]

Step 1, @amiascrazyastheysay

STOP doubting your own sanity. If you're that unsure of it, a bunch of people on an internet forum won't be able to convince you you're ok.

The fact is, though, you KNOW you're sane. You KNOW you have a valid point, and that your emotions are being triggered for good, solid reasons. You KNOW that your perfectly reasonable boundaries are being crossed, time and again.

Respect your own boundaries, or nobody else will.

[2bazookas]

I just think if I let a male partner (I don't have one) shower with my kids that would be inappropriate. But it's ok for another women to shower with them?

Yes, why not if , to them, she is now ex's family. Is she used to dealing with their intimate care such as potting, nappies, bathing. If she takes the girls swimming, don't they share a changing room?
I wouldn't attach any significance to a little girl mentioning washing boobies in the shower. My kids certainly talked about all body parts when in the bath at that age, except they said breast, penis, vagina etc.

[Bluebell878275]

Well said Tiddles

[fairlyplump]

Bit over the top to be worried about her showering with your 3yr old, just makes it easier I am sure. I am more worried about what goes thru your head if you think a step mum and small child showering is un acceptable !!!

[Malbecqueen]

I haven't read all the comments, so forgive me if this has been covered but for what it's worth: This guy was emotionally abusive and he was gaslighting you when you were in the relationship. He's doing exactly the same again. When he calls you crazy or labels or threatens you remind yourself that this is his way of behaving and it's not true. I don't know if you have a court order re contact, but I strongly suggest that you get one or re-visit the one you have with some legal help. Go to a Citizens Advice Bureau if you can't afford a solicitor. Put some strong boundaries in place. Arrange alternative childcare if you can - at least short-term and if he's more than 10 mins late, leave anyway (with your child obviously) or don't open the door. You'll need to do this a few times in the short term and it will get nastier before it gets better - but hold your nerve. This guy is a bully and the only way to deal with him is to stand up to him.

[Bringmewineandcake]

Do they only have a shower at their place or do they have a bath as well?

Neither of mine would have showered on their own at 3 years old, so if I didn't have a separate bath I would have gotten in the shower with them...you're going to get soaked either way.

[ginginchinchin]

@AmelieTaylor
"Nudity is fine, it's good for children to see that bodies come in all shapes & sizes and to accept our bodies as they are"

Absolutely fine, within a family setting. However how many naked people do you expect the children to see on a regular basis? How many unrelated naked people should they have a browse of before it becomes unacceptable?

[FizzyGreenWater]

Honestly, I'd move very fucking far away if I could.

This is never going to be a good parent.

[ginginchinchin]

[quote amiascrazyastheysay]@ginginchinchin this is what I'm
Concerned about. I would never think of showering with someone else's kid. Even as a step parent.

And yes to those asking she's been in their lives since before my youngest was born. Baby is only 18months. She was OW.

[/quote]
TBH I would raise it with Social Services.It's not acceptable, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to protect your children. It isn't only men who are potentially paedophiles.

[OhCaptain]

My opinions are constantly overlooked and then I'm just told I'm psycho, over reacting, mental or have one of a multitude of mental health issues

Because he’s still abusing you, @amiascrazyastheysay.

Honestly I NEVER consider children as weapons but he’s using them to continue his abuse of you.

So it might be time to look at that arrangement!

[Institutkarite]

@TiddlestheCat

There is nothing wrong with nudity and I wouldn't consider 'boobies' to be sexual language. However, I think that sometimes we see our children as extensions of ourselves, particularly when they are small. Therefore it's natural that you wouldn't want the OW stepping over that boundary and getting physically close to your babies. It's hard to view the issue logically when emotions are high. However, from a safeguarding position, I would not be concerned and I can see that she was most probably trying to kill two birds with one stone and wash her whilst washing herself. Sometimes it's just quicker to do that. So yes, she has sort of stepped into your role, which must feel uncomfortable. On the other hand it sounds like she is bonding with your DD and also taking on the role of caregiver, probably because your ex is a bit shit and not doing it himself. You were wrong to shout. They were wrong to retaliate, which is all that it is.

Lovely story that you've made up there @TiddlestheCat.
op must be really pleased that you don't consider boobies to be sexual. I'm sure that she feels soooooo much better.
@amiascrazyastheysay, I think that eckhart has some valuable advice.
I'd love to see the responses on here if this was written from the Other Woman's point of view.

[KrisAkabusi]

@AmelieTaylor*
"Nudity is fine, it's good for children to see that bodies come in all shapes & sizes and to accept our bodies as they are"

Absolutely fine, within a family setting. However how many naked people do you expect the children to see on a regular basis? How many unrelated naked people should they have a browse of before it becomes unacceptable? *

It is within a family setting. She's basically their step mother and has been looking after them for most of their lives

[suchclearwater]

I wouldn't have let my dc shower by themselves at 3. They could easily slip and bang their heads. You have asked if you are crazy. What do you really think? Do you need to see a GP? Is it lockdown? You sound like you are under an immense amount of pressure. Well, you are under pressure, no doubt about it. Do whatever you need to do to to make yourself feel better

[DopamineHits]

With manipulators and gaslighters you have to keep a lot of things close to your chest, and play them at your own game. Don't rely on them, or at least never let them know you are relying on them.

Can someone else have the dc's, your parents perhaps? If you can get anyone trusted to take over their care while you're at work, do that. Or can you drop the dc's off at his on your way to work? Try and figure out strategies to take away the power he has to mess with you.

And keep the abusive texts, don't delete them. You never know when that kind of thing could come in handy.

[DopamineHits]

I wouldn't have let my dc shower by themselves at 3. They could easily slip and bang their heads.

It's easier to supervise from the side of a shower cubicle than with three of you wedged in together.

[amiascrazyastheysay]

My ex never showered with my eldest child when he was step parent. Despite having known my child from a young age. Nor were they allowed in bed together. So I would feel that this should also apply to his partner? I do understand her role, but her role has to respect personal boundaries of someone else's kids.

I'm not a prude when it comes to nudity, and I try to teach the kids about personal space and the correct terms for body parts in a healthy manner for their ages. I know it's normal to explore and ask questions about bodies and body parts.

But I just can't wrap my head around having someone else shower with them. Like I wouldn't allow my mother shower naked with them. Is that prudish? Maybe I am a prude. Gosh I just am second guessing everything now. Just feeling like my feelings are so invalid.

To the poster who said she can't shower them without hoping in. I washed both of mine today in the shower and sat outside and didn't get a wet! It can be done