AIBU to be seriously annoyed with what DP has just done

[101stNC]

I was falling asleep on the sofa and DP waltzes through asking me what I think of his new boxer shorts that he's wearing. I knew he was trying to entice for sex but I've been feeling down in the dumps today and I'm not in the mood.

I told him they look nice and then closed my eyes again. He comes back through in another new pair a few minutes later and says "what about these ones?"

I said yes they're nice too. Closed my eyes again.

Shortly after that I sensed somebody looming over me and as I open my eyes he pounces on me, naked from the waist down. He took me by surprise and it startled me.

He thinks it's sexy/funny whereas I don't. I was raped 5 years ago which he does know about.

I asked what he thinks he's doing and he laughed it off and said he was giving me a cuddle because he noticed I was falling asleep. Bullshit.

He clearly thought I'd appreciate being startled and jump his bones.

This is not ok is it, I'm not being precious?

Be very, very kind to yourself op. It's a harsh reality to have to face.

@SleepingStandingUp

I do agree with you. Although if the people in the relationship have previously stated ' I really enjoy being woken for sex, at any time' then surely that's consent already given. But in that scenario, if you were woken for sex and you changed your mind, you should be able to say comfortably that you don't want to have sex. Without your partner going into a huff, or sulk. If you aren't able to communicate openly it can cause huge problems. Of course if you haven't even discussed being woken for sex and your partner does this I agree, that's not on.

I really hope you are OK OP

I don't think I would've enjoyed this regardless of life experiences. I'd still've been thinking:-

"WTF?!" In an angry and wierded out way, if (as OP did) I'd made it clear I was dozing and someone shoved their cock in my face, and jumped on me.

Please let us know how you get on @101stNC , but I think you know he can't be reasoned with. He might ease off for a bit but then he'll go back to his behaviour. Finding a way to leave would be your best bet. xxx

It was pointless showing him the video really, he found the analogy amusing.

He did say he apologised after I pulled him up on it last night which I don't remember hearing, but when my PTSD flares up I disassociate so I can't be sure whether he did or didn't.

There's no sincerity to if either way as it's not the first time I've had to say something.

I think you have your answer then, OP....

Jesus OP LTB.

Decent men do not need you to take them by the hand and gently explain how not to sexually assault people. (In reference to the groping in sleep comment). You should not have to explain consent for him.

He knew you were dozing off, he just didn't care. You've explained yourself to him before. He knows, and he still does it.

My ex did this, the sulking and bringing everyone down when he wasnt getting his way.
What people refer to as "sex pest" behaviour absolutely makes my skin crawl. I'd be done if I were you.

He will just carry on and throw you a bone of apology when you object. Continue with the sulking so that you carry on finding it easier to go along with what you want than say no

You are worth so much more!!!

I think we all knew he wouldn't have a lightbulb moment after watching the tea video. He doesn't take you seriously. His persona seems to centre round his dick and how often he can use it. Does he have any interests outside of work and sex?

He found it amusing. And rather than apologise again he said he already had
Get out for your own sake. I truly believe he is the cause of your parenting struggle

OP, I'm afraid it looks a lot like he knows your were raped under very similar circumstances, on a sofa, and that he has attempted to recreate this for his own sexual enjoyment. He enjoys your fear - he's a deviant and you haven't signed up for that. He is sexually assaulting you and he is doing this on purpose to get off on your terror and trauma.

I'm afraid it's common for victims of violence and abuse to be sniffed out by other abusers and re-abused. This isn't your fault at all - he is a predator who predated on you.

I would quietly look at options to - abruptly - leave.

One more thing.

When you attempt to leave, he'll say you're crazy and that he'll take your baby. Guaranteed.

Just remember, the abusive ones all say this. Focus on being a good mother, endure that your good parenting is documented with the GP, health visitors etc. Confide the domestic abuse and have that documented.

Abusive men threatening to take the children from crazy mums is so common it's cliche. But don't stay until you are actually driven insane as that just makes leaving more difficult.

Echoing everyone else op. He is abusive, there is no confusion about that.
And to continue to do so knowing your trauma - that is just cruel!!
He doesnt love you op. This is not how loving people treat each other.

@PicsInRed

OP, I'm afraid it looks a lot like he knows your were raped under very similar circumstances, on a sofa, and that he has attempted to recreate this for his own sexual enjoyment. He enjoys your fear - he's a deviant and you haven't signed up for that. He is sexually assaulting you and he is doing this on purpose to get off on your terror and trauma.

I'm afraid it's common for victims of violence and abuse to be sniffed out by other abusers and re-abused. This isn't your fault at all - he is a predator who predated on you.

I would quietly look at options to - abruptly - leave.

I hadn't thought of that! him re enacting OP's rape, but it makes sense. The constant demands for sex - forcing her when she doesn't want it, by her fear of his sulking when denied. Forcing her to think about sex at his command (the texts about sex toys). It all makes sense, and puts a much darker tone on this than him being just another bloke overly obsessed with getting his dick wet.

OP, I'm afraid it looks a lot like he knows your were raped under very similar circumstances, on a sofa, and that he has attempted to recreate this for his own sexual enjoyment.

@PicsInRed Could be. Ugh!

He didn't know the rape happened on a sofa until this morning when I said as much.

He obviously responded with "I didn't know it was on a sofa though"

I said I didn't think that made a difference because if you know somebody has been assaulted then you just don't do what he does under any circumstances because he knows that being able to express consent is a huge thing for me.

He was bullied in school, so I know not to joke about the things that the others used to tease him about. It's just common sense isn't it. If you know somebody has emotional scars then you make a conscious effort not to upset them about it.

I don't think he is calculating about wanting to traumatise me, more so that he just doesn't think or consider anything other than getting his end away when he wants it. He is a very selfish and sex obsessed man.

I'm realising I would be better off without him, no immediate plans to uproot myself and baby because it's not practical right this second but I'll be considering my options. My thought process is changing and I'm seeing it for what it is, with the help from you ladies here so that's a step in the right direction and thank you for that.

I'm also going to stop having sex just to appease him starting from today.

OP, I'm really sorry to hear the situation you are in. I also have PTSD and had a former partner like yours. Sleeping with him was often re-traumatising and often I would 'check out' and just let him get on with it because the sulking and silent treatment was worse. He thought the pain I was in would be resolved with toys or medication completely ignoring my trauma or not wanting him to touch me.

I've been out a while and I am with someone who respects my boundaries. He WANTS to knock before he enters our bathroom and various other things because he knows it upsets me. We have been no sexual contact for a while as I'm back in therapy. He has even said he doesn't want contact unless I want it, there's no joy for him otherwise.

I just wanted to say that there are men out there we are willing to understand trauma, make small adjustments to accommodate your needs and not coerce you. You deserve a relationship built on mutual respect in all areas including sexual contact.

I'm glad you are seeing your situation more clearly and are considering your options. Be prepared for the emotional blackmail that will come once you refuse to have 'apeasement sex' "If you loved me you would" etc; remind him that if HE loved YOU he wouldn't be constantly pestering you for sex. He may even turn nasty, so please have somewhere safe lined up to go to with baby if this happens.

STOP having sex you don't want. He can wank. Gawd, I always found that so off-putting, a person who wants sex multiple times a day every day. I love sex but fucking hell, usually you find it's someone who's immature in other ways, too.

Jesus OP, I was raped when I was 16, and even just reading this and imagining someone pestering me like that makes me uncomfortable, nevermind living it.

Do you know what my DH does when he initiates sex and I say no? He says OK and leaves me alone, he won't mention it again, he won't sulk, he actually very often is able to read my mood and its quite rare he even tries to initiate it when I'm not in the mood.

Please, please realise that you are worth more than this. There are men out there who will respect your boundaries, take your experiences and hold your hand through them. My DH is the main reason I'm able to actually enjoy sex after being raped, because he spent years, and I mean years, working with me and trying to help me figure out what I liked, and what I couldn't handle/didn't like, because he doesn't enjoy having sex if I'm not enjoying it.

This is not rare, I promise you, there are so many men out there who do not see sex, and women as an entitlement or a bloody toy. The way he's treating you is sickening, you will never get past your rape or even begin to get past it while you are with a man who treats you like an object. You and your recovery is so important, and you either need a partner who is willing to respect you and work through it with you, or nobody at all. But you 100% do not need him or his bullshit.

The way he's treating you is sickening, you will never get past your rape or even begin to get past it while you are with a man who treats you like an object

Excellent point, Sizedoesmatter The level of anxiety you live with, OP, always wary of the sex pest you live with, is not conducive to healing.

He sounds like an absolutely disgusting individual

If he truly loved you then he wouldn’t be using you as a wank sock. You could be so much happier than you are now x

I can't imagine a bloke parading around in his pants as a way to initiate sex... if my husband did that it would not have the desired effect.. but maybe that's just me

Given what you've gone through, it would seem a no brainier to me that you wouldn't perhaps fancy being jumped. Although sounds more like a lapse in judgement on his part... tell him not to do it again

Sounds good to be having realisations about what you need in your life. Hope it all becomes clearer with time and you can come up with a plan

I think you need to tell him that your sex drive is once or twice a week. You wont be having anymore because you dont want to.
I'm not sure this will work on a second pest as he's more than likely to demand sex on the "agreed" - to him - occasions anyway whether OP wants to or not.

I'm also going to stop having sex just to appease him starting from today.
GOOD!! Send him back to the spare room and let him know this is an open ended arrangement.

I've not taken to motherhood like a duck to water and it has been a struggle.

Throw in his insatiable sex drive and it's just hell. Perhaps the latter comment has something to do with the first.

I'm glad you're now considering the possibility of separation.

Think of the relief of not having to deal with the pestering, giving in when you don't want sex or putting up with an entitled and sulky adult who has no sense of sensitivity or grace when you say No. Nobody should have to put up with that.

Whilst you are considering this (without mentioning to him) check out your financial position. What access to money in order to provide a home for yourself and your child. What are your joint finances? Could you have an initial conversation with a solicitor to scope out how the future might look for you on separation? Also check out www.entitledto.co.uk for more information.

Keep posting on here OP. Most of the posters have given you (and I'm sure will continue to give) positive feedback and what doesn't feel right for you you can discard.

Good luck. 🌹

Sorry not "I'm not sure this will work on a second pest" but "sex pest"