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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to be seriously annoyed with what DP has just done

257 replies

101stNC · 13/06/2020 21:23

I was falling asleep on the sofa and DP waltzes through asking me what I think of his new boxer shorts that he's wearing. I knew he was trying to entice for sex but I've been feeling down in the dumps today and I'm not in the mood.

I told him they look nice and then closed my eyes again. He comes back through in another new pair a few minutes later and says "what about these ones?"

I said yes they're nice too. Closed my eyes again.

Shortly after that I sensed somebody looming over me and as I open my eyes he pounces on me, naked from the waist down. He took me by surprise and it startled me.

He thinks it's sexy/funny whereas I don't. I was raped 5 years ago which he does know about.

I asked what he thinks he's doing and he laughed it off and said he was giving me a cuddle because he noticed I was falling asleep. Bullshit.

He clearly thought I'd appreciate being startled and jump his bones.

This is not ok is it, I'm not being precious?

OP posts:
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/06/2020 07:07

I am glad you've said you're going to think about the future op. Your experience of motherhood might have been so different without this man coercing you into sex all the time. You must be exhausted with it all. Do you have any support elsewhere in the country, family or friends that might help you out?

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/06/2020 07:08

And he knows what he's doing and he knows all about your trauma. He just doesn't care because getting his end away is more important than your feelings. He just wants to continue using your body as a sex toy a few times a day.

AnotherEmma · 14/06/2020 07:35

"There are men out there who don't need to be told a million times to back off, who understand what proper consent is, who don't sulk when they don't get as much sex as they like. That's the kind of man you deserve to be with. You just need to get rid of this asshole first."

This.

AnnaNimmity · 14/06/2020 07:37

this is massively coercive behaviour from your DP. You don't even need to justify your reaction by referring to your rape - even without that he's completely vile.

It's downplaying it to say he's a sex pest I think.

I couldn't live with someone who was constantly coercing me into sex like that tbh - and I think in one of your posts you say that apart from that, he's fine. But that's such a big issue!

Shoxfordian · 14/06/2020 07:52

There is a word for a man who coerces you into sex
It's not the type of man you want to be with. He hasn't made any effort to care about your trauma or try to help you, he's just focused on himself. Do you have family you can stay with? Please get away from him

TwentyViginti · 14/06/2020 07:55

He's learned that by sulking he'll get sex. He's trained you to live in fear of this sulking, so he gets sex.

He quickly changed the subject when you tried to discuss the latest pouncing. That means he knows he fucked up, and wants you to forget about it ASAP so the status quo is resumed - you service him or he sulks, triggering your anxiety.

He believes your body is his wank toy. He believes his dick is more important than your feelings.

ThickFast · 14/06/2020 08:01

Reading the first post, i didn’t think it was that bad. Maybe he didn’t realise and was just being silly. But reading all of your other posts, he sounds like a dick. He knows it upsets you. Sex 3 times in 24 hours is great if you want it but loads if you don’t. I couldn’t be with a sex pest. I’d find it awful and such a turn off.

Quartz2208 · 14/06/2020 08:57

Yes I think you need some time and space away from him. I think the headspace he takes up for you is part of your struggle with motherhood - almost another thing for you to worry about.

But he seems constant OP all the time he doesn’t even seem like once a day is enough to give you space away from him.

Does he have somewhere he can go. He should want to try and save this by seeing your point if he doesn’t then I agree I think sadly he knows exactly what he is doing

RandomMess · 14/06/2020 09:10

I have caught up on this thread since last night.

AngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

I would tell him to stop pestering you for daily sex that you've had enough of his selfishness. Get your ducks in a row, then literally put your line in the sand over his sex pestering.

I don't think he loves you enough to change his behaviour tbh.

Thanks
Original poster
101stNC · 14/06/2020 09:14

Thank you all for the replies since I last posted I have read them all and really appreciate the moral support here.

I totally forgot about the Tea video, I can't recall whether I've ever shown him that or just quoted it at some point but I'm fairly sure I've mentioned that in the last couple of years. I will refresh his memory.

I'm still feeling uncomfortable about it this morning so I'll be calmly raising it again later on and I want a proper explanation from him.

Sometimes I feel like I've made a rod for my own back by ever showing interest sexually at all. If I'm in the mood and do initiate things then it's like it flicks the pest switch and he ramps it all up again. If we have sex once then shortly after he's indicating that he wants it again.

The day we had sex three times, even that wasn't enough to satisfy him for a while and give me some peace. He was then texting me on his lunch hour about sex toys.

Despite getting frequent sex I'm sure he also uses porn, I say this because he 'confessed' to using porn alot a few years ago. That conversation came about from me tactfully raising the fact he had a very high sex drive, he was open back then as he didn't see it as something that bothered me.

I believe porn has alot to answer for, not just porn in general but the type that is readily available on the mainstream sites. It gives men unrealistic expectations, especially those who don't seem able to look at sex in a healthy respectful way.

OP posts:
Original poster
101stNC · 14/06/2020 09:16

I'm not discounting leaving as an option btw, I just hadn't considered it. I've been going with the flow as depressing as that is. I've had nobody pull me up and say actually this isn't normal. It's all a bit of a lightbulb moment.

OP posts:
Bertyb7 · 14/06/2020 09:17

In my honest opinion you are being a bit precious as well and need to relax a bit. I would have laughed it off if my husband did that. However I haven't been raped so don't know how you feel/ any horrible connections you have from that so totally understand if we take these situations differently.

Bertyb7 · 14/06/2020 09:19

Sorry I posted that before reading the whole thread- 3 times in 24 hours?! That is a bit much. I wouldn't be having any of that either! Shock

Quartz2208 · 14/06/2020 09:19

@101stNC how much headspace does all of that take up?

I do very strongly think that his constant needs are the focus of everything to the detriment of you being able to parent and gain a relationship with your child. I suspect a lot of your struggle with motherhood is because of him.

Having some space away from him (at least temporarily) should really enable you to see how you can cope

And maybe suggest he gets some therapy as well - it cant actually be that healthy for him to constantly think about it. Does he parent at all either?

Original poster
101stNC · 14/06/2020 09:20

Jesus he needs to see this tea video

"Unconscious people don't want tea"

No shit Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
101stNC · 14/06/2020 09:21

[quote Quartz2208]@101stNC how much headspace does all of that take up?

I do very strongly think that his constant needs are the focus of everything to the detriment of you being able to parent and gain a relationship with your child. I suspect a lot of your struggle with motherhood is because of him.

Having some space away from him (at least temporarily) should really enable you to see how you can cope

And maybe suggest he gets some therapy as well - it cant actually be that healthy for him to constantly think about it. Does he parent at all either?[/quote]
Alot of headspace unfortunately, alot.

I'm going to take the pram for a long walk today and gather my thoughts.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 14/06/2020 09:23

The day we had sex three times, even that wasn't enough to satisfy him for a while and give me some peace. He was then texting me on his lunch hour about sex toys

Oh FFS. He sees you as a wank sock. Sorry, but this is awful. Even by text he's a sex pest. I doubt talking will get through to him. He feels entitled to use your body and even your mind (by texting about sex toys) as and when. He knows the Mighty Sulk will bring you in line.

AnotherEmma · 14/06/2020 09:32

Enjoy your walk today OP. It's a lovely day for it where I am. I'm sure it will help you process things.

justilou1 · 14/06/2020 09:37

I have just come back to this thread because I have wanted to see how you were feeling, and to say that I feel guilty about my previous response. I was a bit quick to reply, and I don’t want you to think that my DH and I have been all smooth sailing.... I was raped a long time before we ever met and I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD. (Physically and psychologically abusive parents as well). My poor DH has his hands full with me, but I started trauma counselling a long time before I met him, also. Life is not black and white, and a tiny thread on mumsnet is a great start to get some insight.... I think your DH needs some SERIOUS counselling of his own. He is doing more than exploiting a vulnerable survivor of sexual assault, he is making her feel bad about it. This gaslighting behaviour - making you wonder if it is you going crazy - is symptomatic of a litany of other issues which need exploring by professionals. Please look after your self and your baby

Original poster
101stNC · 14/06/2020 09:38

I've just told him I want to show him a video and he's busying himself doing several other things before coming to see what it is.

I have a feeling he knows what's coming, at least the topic.

I'll report back and let you all know what he says afterwards.

OP posts:
Ladybyrd · 14/06/2020 09:51

He has done nothing wrong. He can’t possibly think that you would react so badly to something that most people would laugh at.

I think, judging from this thread, you're wrong. "Most people" wouldn't laugh. I would find him attention seeking and intensely irritating. That degree of persistence is really unattractive too.

AnotherEmma · 14/06/2020 10:11

I don't mean to be rude but I'm not interested in his reaction to the video. You've already had these conversations with him many times. You shouldn't have to point these things out in the first place. And each time he's made a token effort and then quickly gone back to his preferred sex-pest ways.

Unfortunately you can't change an abuser. The only thing you can do is leave them.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/06/2020 10:45

@Osirus

You are hugely overreacting.

He has done nothing wrong. He can’t possibly think that you would react so badly to something that most people would laugh at. Your past only plays on your mind - I doubt he gives it nearly as much thought as you do. You must bear this in mind when condemning him for what are normal behaviours.

I've never been raped , and I've never been sexually assaulted that I remember and I would be pissed off if when was trying to sleep/sleeping DH pounced on me without his tea on. This ISN'T normal. Some people might enjoy sex being initiated whilst they're asleep, but I only like tea when I'm fully aware I'm going to have
HelmutShmacker · 14/06/2020 11:09

@SleepingStandingUp

This ISN'T normal

who are you to declare what's normal and what isn't though? Surely it varies depending on different people and different relationships? It's up to the people in the relationship to discuss boundaries /what is or isn't acceptable, but some people will love what other people hate. I don't think its fair to make blanket statements about what is and isn't normal, when plenty of people enjoy doing what you deem 'abnormal'. I for one love being woken up for sex, and I know I'm not alone on that. If the OP has told him not to, and he continues to do it anyway, that's the problem here.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/06/2020 11:26

[quote HelmutShmacker]@SleepingStandingUp

This ISN'T normal

who are you to declare what's normal and what isn't though? Surely it varies depending on different people and different relationships? It's up to the people in the relationship to discuss boundaries /what is or isn't acceptable, but some people will love what other people hate. I don't think its fair to make blanket statements about what is and isn't normal, when plenty of people enjoy doing what you deem 'abnormal'. I for one love being woken up for sex, and I know I'm not alone on that. If the OP has told him not to, and he continues to do it anyway, that's the problem here.[/quote]
I don't think it's normal to touch people with your genitals when tbryre unable to consent, no. I don't mean having to do anything ott to gain consent, but you know, be conscious? I think assuming that it's normal that when unconscious, people don't want to be touched by your genitals, is fine.
Opposite of normal doesn't need to mean perverted, abnormal etc, merely not the norm so it's something to be agreed upon.