AIBU to be seriously annoyed with what DP has just done

[101stNC]

I was falling asleep on the sofa and DP waltzes through asking me what I think of his new boxer shorts that he's wearing. I knew he was trying to entice for sex but I've been feeling down in the dumps today and I'm not in the mood.

I told him they look nice and then closed my eyes again. He comes back through in another new pair a few minutes later and says "what about these ones?"

I said yes they're nice too. Closed my eyes again.

Shortly after that I sensed somebody looming over me and as I open my eyes he pounces on me, naked from the waist down. He took me by surprise and it startled me.

He thinks it's sexy/funny whereas I don't. I was raped 5 years ago which he does know about.

I asked what he thinks he's doing and he laughed it off and said he was giving me a cuddle because he noticed I was falling asleep. Bullshit.

He clearly thought I'd appreciate being startled and jump his bones.

This is not ok is it, I'm not being precious?

I do want to make clear that my rape isn't something that hangs over the relationship like a dark cloud. I don't throw it in his face at every opportunity, but I have brought it up to remind him exactly why I don't like several things he does, like this example today.

Given that I've had to speak to him more than once about how some of his behaviours trigger me, I'm both surprised and saddened that I had to do it again tonight.

The poster who said he probably doesn't think about it at all is likely right, and I find that really shit of him because it's something he should have made a mental note of when it comes to some of his behaviours.

If he isn't able to make slight adaptations to his insatiable behaviour on account of something horrible that happened to me then I have to question whether he really loves me at all because his behaviour says otherwise.

Alot of use of the word "behaviour" there

Ffs.....he wanted sex and initiated it....you said no... This is a scenario...yes or no...that is played out every night across the land ....what is the issue?

@WTF99 It's how he did it- it was rapey, sick and gross. And the fact that he never shuts the fuck up about sex.

Yanbu at all OP. There are some really depressing responses on this thread.
He should be way more mindful. Do you still want to be with him?

The same people defending this man are the same ones who claim you can't be sexually assaulted/raped by your boyfriend or husband. Depressing as hell and just goes to show how backward a lot of people truly are. I hope you don't dwell on those horrible comments, OP. Myself and others are firmly with you and whatever you choose to do going forward. The person who said it's all in your mind and he doesn't think about it as often as you do (your rape) should be ashamed of themselves. What a world we live in. Take care and stay safe❤️

Myself and others are firmly with you and whatever you choose to do going forward. The person who said it's all in your mind and he doesn't think about it as often as you do (your rape) should be ashamed of themselves. What a world we live in.

This. So sorry for some of the thoughtless and dismissive responses on this thread OP

Thank you all for the kind words, I appreciate you having taken the time to respond and advise.

I'm not dwelling on the not so nice comments as the supportive ones far outweigh them.

I don't think the relationship can survive long term with things how they are so i need to consider my options and decide how i want to proceed.

I do want to be with him for the good parts but not if I have to put up with the rest

101stNC I really hope this thread is helping you to work through how you feel. It really doesn't matter how others feel about the situation, what they are happy to accept or put up with.

You really need to put yourself and your daughter front and centre in your life and work out how you want to proceed. Have you had counselling for the rape and do you think more counselling to work on any issues may help? I know it is hard in the lock down but I just think it may help you to voice those feelings you have and work out the way forward.

Even if you hadn't gone through this traumatic experience, what he is doing isn't right.

Please dont' feel that you've been asking for any kind of special consideration, or anything unreasonable, or that it's your experience that is the source of the problem. The problem is him.

*But he’s supposed to somehow understand “Not in the mood, too tired” from her responding to his modelling positively saying “That’s nice”? If a positive response is not being receptive, then what is it? Why can’t she say what she means?

I do not understand women who cannot just be blunt and honest with their man. When my DH is in the mood and doing his wooing, if I’m not in the mood, I just flatly tell him he’s lovely but not tonight.*

There are always the apologists on these threads. You need to watch the tea video.

That is absolutely not ok - he sounds so selfish and the whole experience sounds very upsetting.

I have to say, I never post on the Relationships board but some of the posts on this thread have been absolutely appalling. OP I think you've been incredible in your responses - you are articulate, considered, insightful and (miraculously!) have stayed very polite throughout. You deserve so much better.

Hi OP,

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. You have received so many awful, obtuse comments on here from people who clearly haven’t read the whole thread, if they have and still make those comments they have no empathy.

Focus on the kind and thoughtful comments you have received. You deserve so much more than this ‘relationship’. I agree with the comments recently made by @Italiangreyhound, @dreamingbohemian and @Panticus. You are very ‘articulate and considered’, especially as you must be exhausted with looking after your daughter and dealing with DP’s unreasonable behaviour.

As has been suggested could you have some counselling to help talk through everything? I think that would help you get the strength you need. I don’t know whether a man like this could ever change. Would he agree to counselling too? But I think it’s important to focus on yourself and work out how to move forward.

What have I just read?! as someone who has been raped by a boyfriend, if a new partner who is fully aware of that history pounced on me & startled me or pinned me down tickling me when they know that’s a trigger for me, I would likely instinctively start flailing arms & legs with closed fists.

I would not apologise for assaulting someone who has broken my personal space boundaries & frightened me in an attempt for a joke.

People who have not been sexually assaulted will not understand & see it as a joke. For me if a partner said they didn’t like being touched a certain way or surprised etc I wouldn’t do it. I can’t see a situation where I’d do it anyway for fun. How is that fun for the other person ?

OP I say bare your teeth at him and tell him if he ever touches you like that again pack his bags or it will be out on the street faster than he can put on a pair of boxer shorts.

But once you’ve been raped your instincts are heightened. I would fight to my dying breath to never be put in that position again, or associate myself with anyone who thought triggering me would be good for a laugh.

For what it’s worth too his way of trying to turn you on was just lame. His approach would turn me off !

@101stNC

I was falling asleep on the sofa and DP waltzes through asking me what I think of his new boxer shorts that he's wearing. I knew he was trying to entice for sex but I've been feeling down in the dumps today and I'm not in the mood.

I told him they look nice and then closed my eyes again. He comes back through in another new pair a few minutes later and says "what about these ones?"

I said yes they're nice too. Closed my eyes again.

Shortly after that I sensed somebody looming over me and as I open my eyes he pounces on me, naked from the waist down. He took me by surprise and it startled me.

He thinks it's sexy/funny whereas I don't. I was raped 5 years ago which he does know about.

I asked what he thinks he's doing and he laughed it off and said he was giving me a cuddle because he noticed I was falling asleep. Bullshit.

He clearly thought I'd appreciate being startled and jump his bones.

This is not ok is it, I'm not being precious?

Your DP is an insensitive twat.

Tempting to smack him on the nose and say “NO!” like he’s a bad dog! He isn’t getting the message about your ptsd because he doesn’t want to. He is choosing not to because it doesn’t suit him to. (*Am also a survivor, and my DH wouldn’t do this at all. It would set me back enormously.)

@justlou1 I agree. You will see I usually call posters out on abusive behaviour but this is defending yourself & your body. You should be willing to defend yourself physically if you can.

As a “freezer” can attest that I can go very still & my brain is literally freezing up - but then now I can snap and go from completely still & switched off to arms punching & legs kicking out. The instinct to protect your personal space after being assaulted is very strong.

I can’t imagine anyone here if their partner said “hey I was raped and I don’t like my chest being touched unless I invite it”

Would you then go touch their chest as a joke ? There is no humour in that & it’s incredibly belittling to your partner that their trauma is something to incite as a joke.

This is why I suggested baring your teeth, speak quietly, low & in a growling manner. Like a dog prepared to strike. If they don’t realise then you have been pushed too far then throw their clothes on the street. Because that is a bad person & if you want to play bad I will bring it.

But I will admit to having a way of thinking that wants anyone who threatens my space to be scared of me, taste of their own medicine.

Wow OP this post really resonates with me - brings tears to my eyes actually. My ex was like this to a T - even what you went through previously. He did the exact same things had the same responses when I'd told him he was a massive sex pest. I'd shown him the cup of tea video - and that was the bell in my head, if you have to show this to a dp, they're not the one. I promise you OP he won't change, this thinking is so engrained in him. It was a horrendous time in my life and I'm so glad I got away. This is sexual abuse at the core. Hugs to you xo

He didn't apologise, he was probably embarrassed so he quickly changed the subject

He didn't apologise because he's not sorry. He will just wait for the next opportunity and try again to see if you'll give in this time. Don't try to excuse his behaviour for him OP I know it's easy, like saying he was probably embarrassed. Sounds like the man has no shame.

Generally when you have sex when you're in the mood do you enjoy it? Does he focus on your pleasure or (given that you were left sore) is he just getting his end away? I had an ex like him, I was a very late starter so he was my first sexual partner and I'd bleed after sex, but it's recently dawned on me it's because I was never properly turned on when we had sex. He was a sulker too. I had a lot of sex that if I were completely honest with myself, I didn't want.

There's a word for coerced sex OP.

Some may say this is harsh. But have come to believe boyfriends who push your trauma buttons for jokes likely to be low key abusers themselves.

They see themselves as a good guy. But their thought process deep down us “hey that’s MY partner, being in a relationship means having a girlfriend/wife I get to kiss, cuddle, touch, have sex with.”

It is never a deep, profound love because you lack respect for the person as an individual. They will see a gf & wife as having certain roles & that having one comes with entitlements to touch your partner.

Then if the partner declines the touch or tells them to stop, they twist it around that it’s not them in the wrong for overstepping a boundary - it’s you for having the boundary in the first place!

One step away from gaslighting really...

Couldn't agree more with the PP

I had told my ex dp it was coercion which is in fact a form of rape. He always got SO angry when I said that. In the end when I left he started off by saying I'm sorry you felt like I raped you....

@anotheremma I'm glad you were here as a voice of reason, some of the posts you were responding to were unbelievable

Not at all. But OP has massively drip fed here and all my responses were prior to knowing a majority of things.

@2007Millie
She says she was raped in the very first post

@2007Millie
Are you a sexual assault survivor?
Or just someone devoid of empathy who doesn't understand why a naked man pouncing in someone with sexual assault related ptsd might not be a 'hilarious joke'.
You sound rather dim.

I was sexually assaulted 30 years ago. I would not be ok with this, I can be triggered by someone touching me when I'm lying down with my eyes closed without warning let alone asleep. My DH would know this. It is no joke, and hugely disrespectful in your context. for you OP. I would be sitting down with him for a really serious talk

Oh I've read more of the thread now. This situation sounds pretty destructive for you OP. I'm so sorry I don't think this sounds like the right relationship for you right now