Done with all of the arguments

[lockdownhell]

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posts, but I'm a long time poster.

Apologies if this is long but I don't know where to turn. Have been married for two years. Second marriage for both of us. I have one child (16) and he has two (13 & 19). His kids stay with us 3 nights a week.

I'm starting to feel like we were happier when we didn't live together. I never really wanted to get married and blend families etc, and I made no secret of that. I was financially secure in my own home. He had less money to spare than me for various reasons, and it made sense for us to be no longer paying two mortgages etc. So we got married. His idea. I extended my house to make room for his kids to stay. But if I'm honest we haven't really been properly happy ever since.

We argue all the time just lately. And then last night it all blew up as my daughter's dad & partner have just had a new baby. She was excited about having a brother. He said 'but you already have two brothers.' She said no they're my step brothers. He took huge offense at this and accused us both of treating him and his kids like nothing because they're not blood related.

I've never had a great relationship with his kids. The eldest ignored me for years because he thought I was the other woman and the reason for his parents splitting up. I wasn't, and this was clarified a year or so ago (he had kept this info to himself and just blanked me for years) but there has been no acknowledgement since that he was wrong. The kids mum mollycoddles them and I feel like I'm seen as a bit of an extension to her and just expected to cook, clean, wash etc etc. I feel taken for granted. They do nothing to help out.

I still love my husband deep down but the constant arguments are wearing me down. I feel like I'm not the wife he expected me to be. I've spent the morning trying to work out if I can afford to buy him out of the house if we split up. That's not good, is it. I don't want another divorce but I can't see things improving.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Anyone?

How long were you together before you married? You should try couples counselling. He needs to insist his children respect you and pull their weight around the house. This is the reason I didn't marry my ex, we were together 2 yrs, had a baby, got engaged, I started putting him on the mortgage but he started treating my oldest badly so I didn't put him on the mortgage or marry him. Thank god I didn't, he got worse and eventually I kicked him out.

We were together for over 5 years before we got married so it wasn't rushed. But I regret it.

5 yrs is plenty, were there red flags? He needs to step up, if you love him it's worth trying to save.

No red flags really other than a bit of a tendency for classic divorce guilt where the kids are concerned. But I just feel like he needs be to me someone I'm not. Another mother for his kids. I wish we'd kept our separate houses.

OP,

You clearly have made a terrible mistake.
You ignored clear indicators that this was never going to work.

Your partner's reaction to your daughter's excitement marks him out to be an awful twat whom was trying to cause trouble.

Why you thought adding 3 more people to the house wouldn't be a shit load of extra work, I really don't know.

Why would you allow a man with a hostile son to move into your home?

This arrangement has loads of benefits for him but none for you that I can see.

Cut your losses and get organised.

I would be extremely pissed off at him taking the shine off your daughter's happiness.

I feel very sorry for your daughter having these men foisted on to her in her home.

Wishing you the strength to fix it.

It doesn’t sound fun to me. You have extended your house to accommodate him and his kids. You cook and clean for him and his kids. He's a bit of an arse and you regret marrying him.

I’d say nothing to him and get legal advice. I’m no expert but I think he’s only entitled to half the capital gain on the house for the two years you have been married. Plus some adjustment for who paid for the extension work.

But I’m not a lawyer.

Once you have decided what you want and how you can afford it, sit down and tell him.

Wow. I expected to be told I was in the wrong for not loving his kids like my own. When they moved in there was only just over a year to go before his eldest was due to go to uni, so I thought I could ride it out. But of course he's home now with no sign of going back.

God this is so difficult. I just wish we could go back to separate houses.

Of course you can’t love them like your own. You can try to treat them kindly and fairly.

You CAN go back to seperate houses. Just not without a lot of hassle. But it’s probably worth it.

FWIW I think it’s very hard to combine households with teenagers.

After they divorce, lots of newly single dads are shocked to find out how much work it is and they are keen to find another woman to service them and their kids.

Then they are upset and angry to discover that they are not The Boss in this new family.

And single men moving in with a mum + her teens usually hate not being the centre of attention.

Let’s face it, most teenagers are arseholes a lot of the time and it’s bad enough putting up with your own, let alone someone else’s.

He says that I see his kids as 'nothing' and thinks they're not welcome in our home. I've never said that and I do welcome them. I'm kind to them. I struggle as I still see this as my house as I owned it before I even knew him. He accused me last night that he thinks I'll disinherit them if he dies. This makes me think he thinks they have equal rights to the house. I had a large amount of equity in this house before I even knew him, so they don't have equal rights to it in my view. I think at the very least we need to make wills.

Get rid of him.

You were very foolish not to have made wills when you got married.

And of course his children will not inherit from you, they will inherit from both their parents, as will yours. But that comment shows you where his priorities are and that’s money.

Seriously, get legal advice.

Sounds awful. Get financial advise and protect your assets. The quicker you end this the less you pay. You don’t sound like you love him or can have the tricky conversations needed easily. He has got a good deal and wants more. He was horrid to your daughter - obviously a blended family that met as older children isn’t the same as having a baby grow up as a little brother. He has an unpleasant attitude.

Sounds like getting married was more for his benefit than yours.
If it’s not working for you, emotionally and financially then there’s nothing wrong with ending it.
No need to feel guilty for doing what’s best for you and your DC.

Cut your loses and get a solicitor asap. You've made a mistake in marrying him, but you can rectify that. Getting divorced again is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, so don't even concern yourself with what anyone may think. They don't have to live your life.

Did he sell his house to move in with you OP? Where’s that money? Does he split finances?

Yes, he sold his house but there wasn't much equity in it. We paid some off my mortgage (which I would give him back) and some paid for our wedding. The rest went into his savings. I have my own savings.

Sorry I meant to also say he pays half of mortgage and bills etc but house is still in my name.

Sounds like it could be straightforward to sort. If you think it is going to end that way then sooner is better. Which feels better - invest in counselling etc or in separation?

I don't know. He's come back and apologised now (he went out this morning.) Said he would reset his expectations. He expected me to still have a relationship with his kids if he was no longer around, and was shocked that this was not the case. But it's not something I think they would want anyway. They only care about me in the context of the provider of food/washer of clothes etc.

They're coming back to stay next week after having been at their mum's for lockdown. I've told my husband we will split the cooking and that I'm not carrying on doing everyone's washing like I did before. He knows I'm offended by their attitude and has said he'll address it. I'll see how it goes and take a decision from there.

OP,

Get yourself some legal advice.

He's come back after reminding himself what a good deal he got from a mug and not to fxxk it up.

You have made a massive financial mistake and the sooner you fix it.

Your posts are unbelievable to read.

Why have you handed over your independence to him.

By the way, he is paying rent to you, NOT contributing to your morgage.

He put the smal but of equity into his savings...yet thinks his kids will get a third each of your house.

Exactly what planet are you on.

Get your will sorted.
Get your finances sorted.
He has zero rights to your house.

He gets a cleaner, cooker, washer and a third of a house for his kids...

Unbelievable.

Wishing you a major wake up call that helps you protect YOUR asset.

He's a nasty little man that showed his hand but now has backed down having realised how good he has it.

Why did you allow a teenager who treats YOU so badly into your daughter's home?

How could you do that to her.

Have a good head wobble and fix this.

We've had a conversation about wills. He thought we would just split everything 3 ways between the kids (including his pension/life insurance which is substantial) but I've made it clear that I want what we each brought into the marriage left to our respective children. He is ok with this and insists that he's not out to take me for a ride. But the reality is that he would not have such a lovely big house to live in if it wasn't for me. I borrowed extra money on my mortgage to pay for the extension and I would have to scrape by to afford this place on my own now. I feel like I've lost my financial independence.

As shit as it is for you OP
It’s more shit for you daughter and step kids
They didn’t fall in love and get married and make any choices
They just got dragged along for the ride
And now even fact that there parents were happy and in love no longer stands

So all for nothing.

End it and make your daughters last few years of living with you happy

AFAIK the assets you have both acquired during your marriage would be shared. So that’s the capital gain on the house, his savings, pension etc.

But house prices are about to fall so there might not be a huge increase.

You have OP, you handed to him.

I feel for you. I really do.

But you married a man who now has been handed a big house, a cleaner and cook and 2 thirds of a houde for his children.

He admitted it.

I would talk to the bank regarding the payments.
Would paying lodgers be an option?

You have made a mistake but you can fix it.

You need to focus on what you want.

I would be very careful with him.

He saw you as a cleaning cash cow.

He's not a nice man, despite the face he chooses to show.

His real face was shown to your daughter.

How much rent is he paying you for the lovely home you provide for him and his children with food and laundry services🙄......he can't believe his luck.

Do you actually want to stay with him now that you know exactly why he was keen to get hitched?
It all goes from there.

Personally I wouldn't be housing some teenager with an attitude. End of.

What about your poor daughter in this.
She had a lovely home with her mum before this.