Done with all of the arguments

[lockdownhell]

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posts, but I'm a long time poster.

Apologies if this is long but I don't know where to turn. Have been married for two years. Second marriage for both of us. I have one child (16) and he has two (13 & 19). His kids stay with us 3 nights a week.

I'm starting to feel like we were happier when we didn't live together. I never really wanted to get married and blend families etc, and I made no secret of that. I was financially secure in my own home. He had less money to spare than me for various reasons, and it made sense for us to be no longer paying two mortgages etc. So we got married. His idea. I extended my house to make room for his kids to stay. But if I'm honest we haven't really been properly happy ever since.

We argue all the time just lately. And then last night it all blew up as my daughter's dad & partner have just had a new baby. She was excited about having a brother. He said 'but you already have two brothers.' She said no they're my step brothers. He took huge offense at this and accused us both of treating him and his kids like nothing because they're not blood related.

I've never had a great relationship with his kids. The eldest ignored me for years because he thought I was the other woman and the reason for his parents splitting up. I wasn't, and this was clarified a year or so ago (he had kept this info to himself and just blanked me for years) but there has been no acknowledgement since that he was wrong. The kids mum mollycoddles them and I feel like I'm seen as a bit of an extension to her and just expected to cook, clean, wash etc etc. I feel taken for granted. They do nothing to help out.

I still love my husband deep down but the constant arguments are wearing me down. I feel like I'm not the wife he expected me to be. I've spent the morning trying to work out if I can afford to buy him out of the house if we split up. That's not good, is it. I don't want another divorce but I can't see things improving.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Op - just another poster coming on to say that the length of a marriage makes a difference. Start thinking carefully about it now while you are still in a "short" marriage.

Also, sorry but the fact that the house is in your name makes fuck all difference - once you are considered to be in a long marriage the starting point for split of assets in a divorce will be 50:50.

Move quickly to get more information about this - then at least you will be operating from a knowledgeable position. Good luck.

Would he accept divorce and living together still. For me that would be the only way forward. He's made you so vulnerable.

@mumblechum is the poster who is Marlowe Wills.

OP,
I am ao glad you are now thinking through this more and will take action.

@needhandhold
great advice.

I have 4 children and several teens, they can be hard work, especially re pulling their weight!

Again, your husband should have stepped in now re the disrespect and the additional work for you, but he didn't.

We teach people how to treat us, however, we also see how people really feel about us by how they treat us.

He does NOT have your back.
That is very clear.

You sound like a very nice, kind and soft woman but unfortunately ripe for being taken advantage of.

That is what happened here.

Keep bringing yourself back to his unpleasantness to your daughter...that is the key.

The utterly preposterous suggestion that your daughter has brothers now, 5 minutes after you are married is so petty and unlikeable.

Remember the longer you go on with this, the greater the stake he has in YOUR daughter's inheritance.

I have two friends that were both written out of family inheritance because both their father's remarried after their mother's died.

Second wives of less than 10 years inherited absolutely everything because no proper provision was made, just an assurance that everyone would be fairly looked after.

Yea right🙄

My friends and their siblings received a small nominal amout because their father was a very foolish man. Their mother's must have turned in their graves to have seen their children and grandchildren effectively dis-inherited from very substantial amounts that had been build up during their parents marriage.

I would bet money he's out to hang on for the 5 year mark at least. And by that time you'll be one of those 'it's not a great relationship, and I'm not happy, but it's not worth leaving' people. He has shown you who he is. I'm very suspicious of him'springing a proposal on you' too, when you had discussed other plans.

OP, you were a mug before. Don't compound the error.

You can divorce now and cut your losses. Whether the relationship continues is then up to both of you.

He's been horrible to your daughter and tried to put the blame on you. He's no prince.

OP I am aware, yes, that’s my point. There was no need to force this bloke into your kids lives and home.

I feel like I need to bring a bit of balance to this. I don't want to sound like I'm defending him, or drip feeding, but he's not a monster. FWIW my daughter loves him and he does a lot for her where her own dad (a useless twat) doesn't. He just seems to have a blind spot where his kids are concerned, and had this vision of us being one big happy family. But it's a bit deluded and I agree that what he said was unacceptable.

We've had a very frank conversation about how I feel about his kids. They have given me no reason to like them and he knows this. I am disengaging from them and will do nothing for them going forward. His job. If things become difficult again then make no mistake, I will be booting them all out. He knows what he has to do. I have no intention of letting this get past the 5 year mark and if I'm still not happy in 6 months then action will be taken. I'm not soft and I will be protecting myself financially.

Thanks again for all of your advice, I do appreciate it. To the poster who said I shouldn't impose a man in my daughter's life just for sex, that's a very narrow minded view. Should no one who has kids ever remarry?

Thank God for your last update! Sensible conversations are happening. That is good. You have told him you are not the laundry maid, awesome!

A super swift trip to a solicitors would give you reassurance.
Hand on heart. When you are at the solicitors, will you bring up about your rights if you start divorce proceedings?
The thought has gone through your head. You feel you made a mistake and were bullied/rushed/coerced/overwhelmed/pick suitable adjective into a marriage.
This is your life.

I think you're doing everything right, its a shame you didnt have the finances/wills chat before you got married.

The fact you weren't keen to get married or share lives should have been key to what you wanted.

He had everything to gain and you had everything to lose.

It's interesting that you mention you both had mortgages and he didnt have much spare money after he paid his bills - that's the case for the majority of people who live alone and shouldn't be a reason to move in with someone.
He gained much more spare income when he married and moved in with you.

I live alone but have a boyfriend and although money is tight I cant imagine living with him just because it would free up some money.
I've been financially taken advantage of before and wont let it happen again.

As for his children, they definitely need to be kind and show respect, I'm glad you're backing off from them.

Good update op. Keep a very careful eye on that 6 month timeframe.... don't let it slide.

I never really wanted to get married and blend families etc, and I made no secret of that. I was financially secure in my own home. He had less money to spare than me for various reasons, and it made sense for us to be no longer paying two mortgages etc. So we got married. His idea. I extended my house to make room for his kids to stay. But if I'm honest we haven't really been properly happy ever since.

You need to keep reading this, your first (honest) paragraph on this.

You were delicately bounced into marriage by a man who, while absolutely not a monster, does sound manipulative, a bit of a typical male user, and who definitely knows very, very well that he has struck it extremely lucky with finding a fairly compliant woman who will do most of the shitwork while also compromising her whole life and even her financial security to make his life nicer and better off.

He knows it. That's why he did it. If he'd been the higher earner with the bigger equity pot then you would not be married in a million years.

This thread has happened because now, two years down the line, he's beginning to relax into what he feels should be the dynamic: him as head of the household and entitled to direct where the ££ goes, and you as wifey (with associated wifeywork of course) and his kids as centred within the family - even over and above yours.

His mask slipped as a result and you have the situation with your DD.

'Constant arguments'

Ok, what will happen now I can predict to the letter. He will be an absolute model husband. You think he doesn't know exactly how long this needs to go on for your marriage to be classed as no longer short term? You think he doesn't know that it doesn't matter now that you're married that his name isn't on the deeds to your house??

He will behave impeccably now.

It does not change a single word of your first paragraph, but what he's done is very clever, because naturally, you will think this:

I'm not keen to throw away a second marriage so soon.

WHY??? !! - when it's a marriage you didn't want and has not made you happy?!

If I were you I would get to the solicitors asap and have a very long conversation about exactly what you and your children stand to lose. It's not even about ultimate inheritance. Ask yourself if you are effectively going to find yourself in a position where you cannot afford to get rid of him down the line because half your house is yours and you can't afford to buy him out now it's a medium/long term marriage.

He has played you. You KNOW that in the simple words 'I didn't want to get married'. That means he manipulated you and knew how to do it. He is and will continue doing it now and he knows it.

Really really think because 'throwing away this marriage so soon' sounds to me EXACTLY what you should be doing.

Op You are so lucky that FizzyGreenWater took the time to write that post. She's nailed it. Now you have to get used to the idea and do it. Don't let your kids have a mum who has sadness when she doesn't have to have it.

I also feel like I should clarify salaries. We earn the same, give or take, and we each pay half of the household expenses. What we each have left is our own. Her doesn't control my money and we don't have a joint account. The reason he had less equity in his house is that I got a big divorce settlement first time round whereas he struggled after paying off his ex.

Thanks for your additional replies. Question for you: in his shoes, would you be offended if I referred to my daughter's new half brother as her brother? He's making a big deal of the distinction and thinks it's demoting the status of his kids. I can't decide whether or not he has a point.

I think it's fine.

Her half brothers turned up in her life as teenagers, her half brother she will live with since he is born and probably much longed for by him.

It's up to DD how she refers to them and you follow her lead!

Perhaps remind your DH that your DD observed his son treating her Mum like shit for years which has not endeared him to her affections. If he wants DD to think of his sons as brothers they need to start acting like loving, caring brothers...

Op I don't think you were unkind with how you referred to your daughter's siblings but can see why he would easily pick holes in your words. Yoh are both right I guess. But your daughter and her new sibling get to choose really.

Also, op I was financially completely taken to town by my xh. Actually an xp from years and years ago too. My worry is that your new h spends your pot of money.

Of course your child’s half brother is her brother. He’d a legal and blood relative through the father she has had for the last 16 years.

Her step siblings are not a blood or legal relative and she’s loved wth them very part time for 2 years.

It’s not the same and it never will be. He’s bonkers To think it’s the same. And also very controlling to tell YOU what your child can call her own brother.

He's making a big deal of the distinction and thinks it's demoting the status of his kids.

Just sounds like typical fragile male ego to me!
Are you wanting to persevere with this marriage because you would be embarrassed that a second marriage has failed? Or do you genuinely think you are going to be happy with him long-term?

I can’t believe his child blanked you for a year and he didn’t address it.

DD's father's son is her half brother. Your husband's children are step.

@FizzyGreenWater
Nailed it again👍👏.

OP,
Of course your daughter is correct in calling her newly born blood sibling her brother. Her choice.

Your twat of a husband has a disrespectful pup who treats you badly, which YOUR daughter can plainly see, and your husband is having a tantrum because she is not calling his pup of a son her brother!!

I'll bet she's not.
He's NOT her brother.

What he is, is a disrespectful pup that has been foisted on her and no doubt causes an atmosphere in the family home.

OP, you have been played.
Absolutely played.

All people on here can do is pointed it out and hope you can see it.

But he has absolutely played you.

He saw your big settlement, comfortable life, kind pliable nature and rushed you into something that you shouldn't have done.

As @Fizzy has written....he'll be on his best behaviour again after this unfortunate masking slipping bump.....

He thinks you are trusting and a bit dim....

Get to a solicitor without telling him, get yourself protected and decide if you are going to be brave enough to ditch this mistake or hand over your daughter's inheritance.

It really IS that simple.

Yeah what billy66 said too.

It was me who said brother, not her. His issue is that his kids don't rank the same as a blood relative. I don't think they do and I can't change how I think.

I just made the point to him that if we spilt, my daughter would likely never see her step brothers again. But that she would be part of her half brother's life whatever happened.

His kids are her step brothers, not brothers. Curious though...do they see your DD as their sister or is this a notion in your DH's head?
I can't see how this can work...you've said you are disengaging from his kids & will do nothing for them, they have given you no reason to like you.. it sounds like there will be a very tense atmosphere in your home. I understand how you were treated by his DS...but you chose to move forward nonetheless, kids get swept along & have all sorts of feelings & resentments. A little understanding all round might be better than entrenchment. I think you sound already half way out the door...

I don't entirely agree with the other posters, but it's not working for you.

The baby is your daughter's half-brother, not her brother. Your stepsons are step-brothers.

Part of the problem is that he moved into your house. It might have been better to live together before marriage.

Get legal advice, and think about getting a divorce.

Re. buying him out of the house, you'd have no trouble renting rooms out Monday to Friday.

His kids aren’t the same relation because they aren’t the same relation. If he wants to put ‘ rank ‘ on it, that’s his problem.

Is he angry at biology or the law for “demoting “ his children ?

He sounds really tiresome , I don’t think I could live like this. He's reading insults into everything.

“Why have you give my child their tea in a green mug and not the blue mug? Everyone knows that blue is a superior colour and you are insulting my child by giving yours the blue mug”.

Next thing he will complain that you are not providing the same level of domestic service to his children as you do to yours. Which of course will be true because they are not your children. It’s his job to parent them not yours.