Done with all of the arguments

[lockdownhell]

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posts, but I'm a long time poster.

Apologies if this is long but I don't know where to turn. Have been married for two years. Second marriage for both of us. I have one child (16) and he has two (13 & 19). His kids stay with us 3 nights a week.

I'm starting to feel like we were happier when we didn't live together. I never really wanted to get married and blend families etc, and I made no secret of that. I was financially secure in my own home. He had less money to spare than me for various reasons, and it made sense for us to be no longer paying two mortgages etc. So we got married. His idea. I extended my house to make room for his kids to stay. But if I'm honest we haven't really been properly happy ever since.

We argue all the time just lately. And then last night it all blew up as my daughter's dad & partner have just had a new baby. She was excited about having a brother. He said 'but you already have two brothers.' She said no they're my step brothers. He took huge offense at this and accused us both of treating him and his kids like nothing because they're not blood related.

I've never had a great relationship with his kids. The eldest ignored me for years because he thought I was the other woman and the reason for his parents splitting up. I wasn't, and this was clarified a year or so ago (he had kept this info to himself and just blanked me for years) but there has been no acknowledgement since that he was wrong. The kids mum mollycoddles them and I feel like I'm seen as a bit of an extension to her and just expected to cook, clean, wash etc etc. I feel taken for granted. They do nothing to help out.

I still love my husband deep down but the constant arguments are wearing me down. I feel like I'm not the wife he expected me to be. I've spent the morning trying to work out if I can afford to buy him out of the house if we split up. That's not good, is it. I don't want another divorce but I can't see things improving.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

@billy1966 I do completely see your point and I am taking all of these comments on board. But what you don't see from this thread are his good points and all of the things he DOES do. He is incredibly caring and has supported me through some difficult times. He treats and loves my daughter like she is his own. He is kind and generous with his time and his money. My family love him. But his massive blind spot is his kids and I think it stems from divorce guilt. It frustrates me hugely that if they leave something at their mum's he will do an hour round trip to go and retrieve it for them. They are used to being mollycoddled. It's also worth saying that his eldest ignored his own dad for years too for the same reason he ignored me. I think he now feels guilty because he knows the truth about his parents divorce but there has been no acknowledgement or apology. My husband has forgiven him, but I can't get past it especially when he comes to my house and expects everything done for him.

But for the reasons I've listed above I can't simply LTB - I have to give him a chance to turn this around by laying the ground rules and seeing how he reacts. Does that make sense?

Absolutely OP.

This is your life.
Of course he isn't all bad.
People rarely are.

All that we have reinforced is that you were rushed into a marriage and skivvying arrangement that was not in your best interests.

It certainly wasn't in your daughter's.

You say he is a nice man.
I believe you.

But he is a nice man who also is extremely calculating and had quietly assumed that some of your daughters inheritance, a huge amount was now going to his children.

His children's comfort and security, lovely surroundings, inheritance etc...is his priority.

It certainly isn't your daughter's best interests or he wouldn't have dreamed to think that.

I wish you the best, you sound like such a lovely woman, but I'm afraid your naivety will be very costly to you and ultimately your daughter.

Regardless of whatever else you do, please make a will ASAP to protect your daughter. My sil got nothing - not even a tiny keepsake- after her stepfather persuaded her mum to change her will from leaving the house (that her father had bought) to sil, and HIS daughter inherited it. He had been a ‘nice’ stepdad til her mother died, then it was an about turn.

Have been looking at wills....based on our circumstances here is what I'm thinking.

House in my name, bought before we met, I put down £150K deposit. Had increased in value by probably £50K just before we moved in together. So I'm thinking I ringfence £200K in the house to go solely to my daughter, with the remaining equity to be split 50/50 between my daughter and then his two kids. But if I die first I would want the house to go to him but for the above split to apply after he dies. Does that make sense?

We have our own savings and I would just expect we would leave them to each other, along with pensions etc. I'm more concerned with the split of equity in the house.

You need legal advice. What if you die next week and your DD has to be brought up by your parents because he doesn’t want to? Or that’s what she wants ?

He will still have the right to live in your house until he dies. Your DD won’t be able to get the equity to buy Her own place when she is 20 / whatever or to fund her education.

What if he lives another 30 years ? Do you want her to wait until 46 to get her inheritance from you ?

If you die tomorrow it’s very likely that he will remarry quickly. Will your DD want to live in the house with her step dad and his new wife, her kids and his kids ? My guess is not a chance.

No she will want to go off to university and buy her own flat. She will need the money then not in 30 years.

Did you say he sold his place and moved in with you?

My daughter has inheritance from grandparents which she will get when she's 18. But if neither of us died for another 30 years that question would still stand - very few kids rely on parents inheritance to buy their first home. And equally, I'm not planning on kicking my husband out on the street when I die.

Will get legal advice, just wanted some thoughts on whether what was in my head was fair.

@Juliet2014 yes he sold his place but there wasn't a huge amount of equity. We paid off about £13k on my mortgage with some of it, and the rest went into his personal savings.

I know someone this happened to. Mum dad and teenage DD.

Grandad dies, M and D decide to sell up and buy a bigger place so granny can live with them. Put Both houses on the market, they sell quickly, Move to rented Until their lovely large new build house is ready.

Mum gets cancer and dies very quickly. Granny dies too. DD is devastated after losing Her home, both GP and mum within a year.

Dad meets someone else within months and moves with her and her 3 kinds into brand new house.

DD goes off to college and doesn’t speak to the father for years.

It's also worth mentioning that my daughter has a dad that she will inherit from too, and who I would expect her to live with if I wasn't around. He has a new partner but I would expect there to always be room for her at their house.

I think people do it as he has the right to live in it until he dies but ownership is as per your will. That way he can’t change anything (not saying he would but this is how you secure it)
*But he's going to get a shock when his and the kids wash basket doesn't get magically emptied and returned to them clean. The spare bed needs changing for his eldest to sleep in but I'm not doing it and I'm not going to remind him. I even found myself asking him last night what the youngest is doing in terms of school work at home and he hadn't even thought to ask his ex. I'm sick of doing his thinking for him. We both have busy jobs but he uses the excuse of being caught up with work for not adequately managing his kids.

Sorry, just needed to offload.*
Seriously op, if they were your kids together it would be a decade overdue to take this exact path and you should say that to him. When does he plan for his children to develop any life skills? Or just hope some poor victim of a woman falls enough in love to be his slave? Ugh. Wtf were you thinking moving him in and... doing all the washing? And the kids?
Our kids are teeny still but long before they arrived I established that any capable adult can cook a yum and healthy meal and do a load of washing.

You can't control what he does after you die... I would leave your 50% share of the house to to your DD, your savings to your DD. You can protect your DH saying he has 5 years to live in the house after your death.

Are your savings equitable - sounds like he got a lump sum whilst you have given him 50% share in your house by marrying, why aren't they joint savings by combing households?

He would get your pension.

You can review wills every 5-10 years.

No he still has less in savings than me. I'm a saver, he's not. I don't want to combine savings for that reason - he would win.

But @randommess my share of the house is more than 50%? It's currently worth around £400 - £430K, with a £120K mortgage. Of the equity in it, £200K of that is mine.

I'm not sure how you can ring fence what is yours now though?

You need specialist advice from an expert and fast.

Although you can write a will asking for DD to get X when you both die it is very hard to make that happen unless it goes into trust on your death etc.

Ironically it could be easier for you to give her a share of the house now... I just know wills can be contested and you can't dictate what happens after someone else's death.

It's happened to the in laws and it's a mess!

OK I guess I just thought I could have him write it into his will for when he is gone. He said he's happy to do whatever I choose to protect my assets from before he was married.

The added complication is that we may end up selling this house when we retire to move abroad. But we'd have to do will amendments if that happens I guess.

My daughter has inheritance from grandparents which she will get when she's 18

That’s good to know, she’s a fortunate girl to have such a gift, I hope she uses it wisely.

But if neither of us died for another 30 years that question would still stand - very few kids rely on parents inheritance to buy their first home

No that’s true. But most young adults are supported through education by parents and many have some help to get onto the housing ladder. That’s two important things I would like my money to do for my children if I’m not here.

And equally, I'm not planning on kicking my husband out on the street when I die

I don’t think anyone has suggested that. But tying up the equity in your home for the next (possibly) 30+ years might mean that your adult DD is Disadvantaged. Wouldn’t it be reasonable to give your husband a period of time to give your DD her share of the equity that’s in the house?

Or will this not matter as the Inheritance from her GP will set her up for life?

People often write wills thinking they will die at 95 and their husband a year later, then all the kids will get a share.

They don’t think of scenarios like teh one above, which are very common. Many posters have told of children who inherited nothing from their own parent because everything went to the step parent and then to the step children.

That’s fine if that’s what someone wants of course, but usually it’s not. They just trusted their partner without considering that loyalties Change over the years and many widowers remarry very quickly.

I'm not sure how much the GP inheritance is but it's not a small amount. It's my exes parents who have left it to her. But regardless of whether it sets her up for life or not, I still want what I have to be left to her and not to my stepkids. I don't feel that it's for me to provide for them in terms of inheritance. It's clearly more complicated than I thought it was though!

Giving someone 5 years post death to sell a property and release the share is not putting them on the street.

Presumably if you died he would no longer need a huge house - his sons would both be in their 20s, DD would live with her Dad???

Don't leave it to trust. If your relationship gets rocky he could rewrite his without you even knowing!

Whatever is the right "will" now could be very different in 10 or 20 years time.

Your DDs inheritance from other sources is a complete red herring tbh.

Fair point @randommess. And yes, the other inheritance is irrelevant really. I was just making the point that not all kids wait for their parents to die in order that they can buy their own property! I know I didn't.

Wills are not set in stone, and many families/step families do not seem to have forethought about making sure their loved ones are provided for to the best of the will makers wishes.
Please get legal advice, and update your will regularly in accordance with any change of circumstances.
As an aside, your ex,s parents now have a new, additional grandchild, so may well be looking to amend their will to include your daughters half brother?

@StarbucksQueen my exes parents have both passed away.

If you are happily married 20 or 30 years would you really begrudge him have 50% of the house and your DD only 50%?

That's what I mean about what is right for now isn't necessarily right in the future.

It sounds like there were different assumptions and expectations going in that didn't get discussed or resolved sufficiently at the time, and these have been exacerbated by the friction between his kids and yourself that has made you feel less inclined to include them as your own. Unlike some replies here I don't think his expectations are particularly unusual, unreasonable or nefarious. Marriage is a pooling of resources into a single economic unit (the family); that's how it works. People are quick enough to stand up for that when divorcing women want to make sure their husbands don't keep stuff back from them, I don't see why this situation couldn't be seen the same way.

I've never had a second marriage and I can see that where pre-existing children fit into this could be very complicated and open to interpretation, but I don't think there's one right answer.

It does seem like you weren't really fully on board with getting married. You can say he pushed you into it but at the same time, you did say yes where you could have said no.

However it also sounds like he's open to communicating about it and flexible about accommodating what you want, which is the important thing - that you don't both just hunker down into inflexible positions of conflict. As I see it you've got two options:

1. Go back to living in separate houses, dealing with all the stuff about who owns exactly how much of what along the way, and either still be married just living in separate houses (there are people who do that) or get divorced and go back to being unmarried partners (I don't know of anyone who's done that).

1. Ride the current situation out, working through the questions of inheritence etc. that you've raised, until all the children are adults and have left home, and then enjoy the kind of marriage you seemed to have in mind and would be happy with.

Thanks @FifteenToes - good advice. Although I don't necessarily agree that a marriage should always be the pooling of resources, especially second time round when one person comes into the marriage with significantly more than the other, and there are kids involved.

I think we're going with option 2. He is being reasonable when we have discussed it and happy to take on board the fact that what I owned when we met I would like to pass to my daughter.