Done with all of the arguments

[lockdownhell]

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posts, but I'm a long time poster.

Apologies if this is long but I don't know where to turn. Have been married for two years. Second marriage for both of us. I have one child (16) and he has two (13 & 19). His kids stay with us 3 nights a week.

I'm starting to feel like we were happier when we didn't live together. I never really wanted to get married and blend families etc, and I made no secret of that. I was financially secure in my own home. He had less money to spare than me for various reasons, and it made sense for us to be no longer paying two mortgages etc. So we got married. His idea. I extended my house to make room for his kids to stay. But if I'm honest we haven't really been properly happy ever since.

We argue all the time just lately. And then last night it all blew up as my daughter's dad & partner have just had a new baby. She was excited about having a brother. He said 'but you already have two brothers.' She said no they're my step brothers. He took huge offense at this and accused us both of treating him and his kids like nothing because they're not blood related.

I've never had a great relationship with his kids. The eldest ignored me for years because he thought I was the other woman and the reason for his parents splitting up. I wasn't, and this was clarified a year or so ago (he had kept this info to himself and just blanked me for years) but there has been no acknowledgement since that he was wrong. The kids mum mollycoddles them and I feel like I'm seen as a bit of an extension to her and just expected to cook, clean, wash etc etc. I feel taken for granted. They do nothing to help out.

I still love my husband deep down but the constant arguments are wearing me down. I feel like I'm not the wife he expected me to be. I've spent the morning trying to work out if I can afford to buy him out of the house if we split up. That's not good, is it. I don't want another divorce but I can't see things improving.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Exactly OP, she probably wouldn't bother seeing them again....why?....not the fact that ye divorce, more likely because she has seen exactly how her mum has been treated since her home has been invaded.

Your job as a mother is to protect your assets for your daughter.

My friends loved their dad's, they had both had super happy first marriages to their mum's.

However, the sting of seeing everything their parents worked hard for, substantial assets, go to another family have now reduced his memory to a silly old fool that should've know better, particularly as he had promised their mother.

His kids are not related to yours.

But that doesn't matter. And whether she calls her new brother brother or half brother is also something each family would do differently. It's just up to you.

Only it's not, because the pushy man who is doing his best to insert his children and therefore the part of the 'family' that is under his 'control' into the centre of everything is trying to lay the law down to your daughter how she should refer to her own new relative.

The point to this is that he doesn't have a point because it is firstly nothing to do with him and secondly UNBELIEVABLY petty and bad form to say something like this. Who the hell has a strop and tries to lay the law down on how two people who are related refer to each other, when he's not related to either of them?!

How about you tell him that while people are on the subject of how people refer to one another, he can tell his kids that you haven't forgotten the years of being ignored by his eldest and subjected to hideous rudeness and as a result you really don't give a shiny shit whether that child's nose is out of joint and you've actually no desire at all to have your DD be made to see them as any closer than they've decided to make themselves?

Or, in short: 'Sorry it's none of your business. If you can't handle the realities of the step-relationship, we should divorce, because this won't be changing - DD and I will decide how WE refer to members of OUR blood family, thanks. It won't ever be up for discussion with you.'

These are your warnings signs. This is him tiptoeing through the 'short marriage' years.

Can you imagine him in ten years when he knows half of everything is his?

Divorce him.

You have a way with words @FizzyGreenWater, and you're definitely right. I think he's being petty. I told him if the tables were turned and his kids had a half sister, I would give zero fucks if they called her their sister. I think we have fundamentally different views. He wants us to be one big happy family. I think that everyone who has ever been part of a blended family knows that it's just not that simple.

OP I can't deny it I do like a good old rant

Do you know, I think it's simpler - and also more worrying - than wanting to be a big happy family.

He wants to be in control.

It's that simple. He's controlling.

If he were just after your money that's one thing. He is, but the wider issue is that he wants to be boss and wants to be in the centre. HIS family, featuring HIS kids right at the middle, in HIS house, his empire.

He does not like any aspect of the life you have together where he and his kids are not somehow in the driving seat.

It isn't good. He isn't good.

But playing devils advocate, if he were controlling, wouldn't he want to control my spending? I spend a ridiculous amount of money on handbags. This doesn't bother him in the slightest. I just think he is over-compensating for his first divorce. Wants his kids to feel part of a happy family. I don't know. Some of these replies have me questioning myself.

His feet aren't firmly under the table yet tbh, usually the controlling ramps up slowly over time... frog in boiling water analogy.

Ok so he wants one big happy family but he is failing to realise or acknowledge HIS sons aren't on bored with that, he is being a Disney Dad to them not a parent...

@Fizzy

Rant away......your points are totally cogent and on point.

Some threads get my goat up and this is one of them.

The cheek of him.
I can't abide petty people.
I intensely dislike people who need to rain on other's joy..

OP, @Fizzy .....has him, and his mask, pushiness, and his controlling nature pegged.

But I think you beginning to see this now.

You need to keep reminding him now that the onus is no longer on you or your daughter to come up to his expectations. It's now for him and his sons to prove they want to be part of this happy family he wants - and to make the effort accordingly. That means politeness and consideration, and contributing to the running of the house - which goes beyond them doing their own washing. They should also be doing some of the communal cooking, cleaning, gardening shopping etc. This is where any plan of his will falter - he may or may not have controlling tendencies, but he will need to work to get his kids on board if you remember to hold them responsible for their part from now on, OP.

if he were controlling, wouldn't he want to control my spending? I spend a ridiculous amount of money on handbags. This doesn't bother him in the slightest.

If he tried that now, he knows you'd be absolutely furious and tell him where to go. I'm sure he'd love to control your spending. He wouldn't dare push into trying to control in those overt ways now, though. You'd leave.

However, he knows what does work - and that is manipulation and persuasion. He just wants to be a family. He just wants to make up for other mistakes. He just wants to be married.

The bottom line is that someone who is genuinely respectful and not controlling would never in a million YEARS even think that they had any say in how their step-daughter referred to her own brother.

The bottom line is that if he were not a clever manipulator then you wouldn't be married, because you didn't want to. You've actually married and handed your financial independence over when you didn't even want to and thought it was a bad idea because this guy is such a clever controller.

Of course he wouldn't tell you how to spend your money. He is not that stupid.

In ten years it is likely to be a very different story.

You really really need to wake up to this. He has played an expert game. Just as he will play an expert game with wills, solicitors etc - I just hope you do not reach ten years with this man when he starts on the relentless 'we've been a family for a decade now... it's time to change those wills... it's not fair that your DD will get more than OUR boys... drip drip drip'

1. Will yesterday - download a basic template from the internet and get it signed and witnessed this week. You can do this with friends or neighbours in their garden.

1. Solicitor asap - you don't want to be making an uniformed decision you bitterly regret later. Also you can discuss a more nuanced will etc. Avoid mirror wills, remarriage and disinheritance is a very real problem.

They do everything by phone and email at the moment.

Don't wait for your DH to sort out his will (he should too, but that's his issue).

1. Divorce or not as if it were totally confidential - do the right thing for you and you only - the uneasy feeling about having a divorce goes quite quickly, the fallout from losing hundreds of thousands of pounds very much less so!

Good advise here.
You need to step back right now and watch how things run in your home.
And watch your husband though another lens as to how he is around you.
Watch the children when they are around and see if they pull finger out or pull face instead when asked to do jobs.
The thing is that how do you stop yourself falling back into chasing everyone when that is what you have always done. See old habits do not die.
Get that lawyer and will sorted.

If I'm correct, one of the children is old enough to have moved back in after university! Is he paying rent - I suspect not! No excuse not to be taking a full share of household chores.

He's moved back after first year of uni (cut short). He has no income, so no rent. He reckons he wants to get a summer job but has done fuck all about it as far as I know.

I think at the very least we need to make wills.

Sorry I meant to also say he pays half of mortgage and bills etc but house is still in my name.

He accused me last night that he thinks I'll disinherit them if he dies. This makes me think he thinks they have equal rights to the house.

Get legal advice OP quickly (and discreetly. Don't let him know you are doing this until you have all the legal advice you need). Take details of ALL your finances with you (not only the house) so you can get a professional opinion of how you stand now and in the future.

OP,
@FizzyGreenWater

Such wisdom.
Such acumen.
Such accuracy.

She is spelling this out for you.

I am so impressed with the wisdom of so many women on MN.

Such wisdom.

Life is so short.

2 daughter's here...MN is such a truly incredibly inspiring place full of the most incredible women who have such a forensic grasp of how to advise women on how to move forward.

I have learned sooooooo much from all of these women.....I hope to arm the women around me to be stronger...but in the absence of certainty I want them on here because, the advice while diverse is truly fantastic.🙏

#grateful

He just wants us to be one big happy family.

But he allowed his son to ignore and disrespect you for a year in your home and did nothing about it?

Sounds like the only people who have to act like it’s one big happy family are you and your daughter...

if he were controlling, wouldn't he want to control my spending? I spend a ridiculous amount of money on handbags. This doesn't bother him in the slightest.
He's not ready yet - that will come. One step at a time. He's doing well so far, after all. All he needs to do is bide his time, convincing you that he's taken on board everything you've said, saying what you want to hear. The advantage (and the increasing length of your marriage) is greatly to his benefit as has been mentioned.

Be careful not to let either pride or regret or embarrassment or any other sentiment stop you from protecting your (and your daughter's) assets.

BTW I'd suggest you still see a solicitor yourself alone, because you'll not need to temper your questions or reactions if your husband isn't there. Get the professional legal advice you need. Knowledge is power and will help drive the steps YOU need to take next.

Well his kids are due to come tomorrow for 3 nights and I have to say I'm dreading the disruption to our routine and household. I haven't slept the last couple of nights for worrying about it. He has been very subdued since the whole conversation at the weekend. He also seems to be backing off from having the kids help out with chores as he says it will irritate me if they don't do it my way. But he's going to get a shock when his and the kids wash basket doesn't get magically emptied and returned to them clean. The spare bed needs changing for his eldest to sleep in but I'm not doing it and I'm not going to remind him. I even found myself asking him last night what the youngest is doing in terms of school work at home and he hadn't even thought to ask his ex. I'm sick of doing his thinking for him. We both have busy jobs but he uses the excuse of being caught up with work for not adequately managing his kids.

Sorry, just needed to offload.

Erm I think his attitude today says it all, he is not going to change. I know it's sad but I'd get the divorce papers prepped.

I think he wants another woman to offload the "wifework" to

Well then he'll have to do it all himself won't he. I've threatened this a number of times but never followed through. I'm interested to see how it plays out.

The fact you laid it all out in your conversation and he is already backing down...

Arghhhhhhhh

I'm astonished you were doing all that to start with! one of them is 19. An adult.

Good luck OP, I think you're in for a bumpy ride. He's obviously afraid of rocking his DC's boat.

I expect he's subdued because his plans aren't going to come to fruition. He knows you're onto him now.

It was always easier to just chuck his stuff in with the rest of it but it meant I was washing Every. Single. Day. So my solution is that 19yo is responsible for all male washing in the house, and I'm just doing mine and my daughter's. If theirs doesn't get done it doesn't impact on me. We have separate wash baskets. My husband has always said 'oh he's not here long enough to do his own washing' (used to be two days on, and then another day later in the week). But now they're doing 3 days in a row. Enough time to accumulate lots of washing.

I don't care any more about rocking any boats. I've kept my mouth shut for a quiet life for far too long. Now, if he doesn't step up, they're all outa here.

I have 3 half sisters.
They are my sisters!
End of.
If I have to explain my family set up (very complex) then I explain they are half sisters but on a general daily basis they are my sisters.
Not 'half' anything!!!
SISTERS!!!!

OP,

It's either becoming clear to yourself or it's not.

You have to decide what sort of life you want.

It's very clear reading your posts how you are seen and treated.

This is your life.

Up to you to have respect for your and protect yourself.

You can't pretend it hasn't been clearly spelt out to you what a user you married.