Done with all of the arguments

[lockdownhell]

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posts, but I'm a long time poster.

Apologies if this is long but I don't know where to turn. Have been married for two years. Second marriage for both of us. I have one child (16) and he has two (13 & 19). His kids stay with us 3 nights a week.

I'm starting to feel like we were happier when we didn't live together. I never really wanted to get married and blend families etc, and I made no secret of that. I was financially secure in my own home. He had less money to spare than me for various reasons, and it made sense for us to be no longer paying two mortgages etc. So we got married. His idea. I extended my house to make room for his kids to stay. But if I'm honest we haven't really been properly happy ever since.

We argue all the time just lately. And then last night it all blew up as my daughter's dad & partner have just had a new baby. She was excited about having a brother. He said 'but you already have two brothers.' She said no they're my step brothers. He took huge offense at this and accused us both of treating him and his kids like nothing because they're not blood related.

I've never had a great relationship with his kids. The eldest ignored me for years because he thought I was the other woman and the reason for his parents splitting up. I wasn't, and this was clarified a year or so ago (he had kept this info to himself and just blanked me for years) but there has been no acknowledgement since that he was wrong. The kids mum mollycoddles them and I feel like I'm seen as a bit of an extension to her and just expected to cook, clean, wash etc etc. I feel taken for granted. They do nothing to help out.

I still love my husband deep down but the constant arguments are wearing me down. I feel like I'm not the wife he expected me to be. I've spent the morning trying to work out if I can afford to buy him out of the house if we split up. That's not good, is it. I don't want another divorce but I can't see things improving.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

I think you need some more honest communication about his kids, his Disney Parenting and guilt over the divorce. It may be useful to have a counsellor there for him to truly wake up and realise he is not parenting his sons in their best interests.

That the crux is not so much who does what but his parenting of his sons enabling their entitlement and poor attitude and him being spineless and infantilising them.

If he wants to be a happier blended family that needs serious change.

OP,

Watch and wait.

This is your life.

Posters are just trying to give you courage to help yourself.

Against all advice, and what you see clearly going on with his sons and children, your inclination is to trust him to do the right thing.

@FizzyGreenWater has given you again sound advice to watch and wait and see.

Wishing you the best.

i'm actually worried about what kind of mind-fuckery he's doing on you OP....i keep reading posts where it sounds like they're written by two different OP's!

You state - and still do - that you don't want to live as a blended family and would prefer your own independence - so why do you 'willingly' continue taking on responsibility for him and his kids by making plans to include them in your will?
Why are you thinking/planning their financial entitlement right now?

To me, it sounds like it's always been about the money for him and he's manipulated you so well that you don't know whether you're coming or going (literally) anymore.

But playing devils advocate, if he were controlling, wouldn't he want to control my spending?
he already is and you haven't seen it creep up over time - you've paid for everything.
have even decided you'll reimburse - in total - what he contributed towards your mortgage payoff to date....so in effect he and his kids have lived in your home for free!
you've spent your own money renovating to provide for his kids - yet thinking of giving him a share of the increased equity!

he paid a little towards the wedding and the rest is in his own savings....and if he walks now he gets to pocket thousands at no cost or risk to himself.
The longer you remain married, the higher his payout no matter when he walks.
Your crazy idea of that will you just mentioned....that just hands him everything and he is NOT going to share with your dd.

His issue is that his kids don't rank the same as a blood relative....He accused me last night that he thinks I'll disinherit them if he dies
Disinherit them from what?
They have no entitlement to YOUR assets - so it's fairly easy for him to lay bare his savings and the few thousand he's 'accrued' in your equity so far and tell them exactly what HE is gifting to them????

It is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY that HE doesn't have more to 'gift' his kids in a will - and he's not even doing anything about taking personal responsibility for it!

He treats and loves my daughter like she is his own
He doesn't financially contribute nor does he parent his own kids - let alone yours.
YOU do that for everyone.

He's making a big deal of the distinction and thinks it's demoting the status of his kids
Just like re the entitlement to inheritance - it's HIS kids first!
Come on - he's kicking off cos your dd wants to call her sibling her brother!!!!
Is that even a thing to kick off over?

He also seems to be backing off from having the kids help out with chores as he says it will irritate me if they don't do it my way
Manipulative fucker is playing the double bind game on you- and trying to make you believe it's your own fault that the 'only' reasonable option 'can't' work!!!

He is kind and generous with his time and his money
He prioritises spending his time at work....doesn't have 'time' to parent his kids or take on their chores...doesn't pull his weight round the house...finds ways to opt out of anything that doesn't suit him....
The money - what money?
The bit he paid towards your mortgage that you're thinking of returning to him?
The savings that he keeps in his name that don't see the light of day anywhere in your house/shared lifestyle?
He didn't bring IN money to the joint marital pot - so what money is he generous with?

Or

But his massive blind spot is his kids and I think it stems from divorce guilt

There is NO blind spot.
He has his sights set firmly on YOUR money - and he's willing to use any tactic, including his kids, to get his hands on it.

There is NO divorce guilt.
He's manipulated you emotionally into feeling guilty for having 'more'.
He's manipulated you into feeling it's your responsibility to rectify that at yours and dd's expense.

@monkeymonkey2010 I don't know what version of events you're reading but you're making out that I pay for everything, including his kids. I don't. He has paid half of all household expenses since he moved in. He has his savings, and I have mine. That's how we chose to do it. I don't want joint savings. He pays for his portion of all holidays. When I said I would give him back what he paid off my mortgage that was in the scenario of if we split. Why wouldn't I? If someone pays off a chunk of the mortgage then they own that chunk of the house. And as for wills, I am not providing for his kids. I never said that in any of my posts.

Honestly I think some people just love a drama on here. There is no 'mindfuckery' or

Posted too soon.

There is no mindfuckery or brainwashing. I am an intelligent woman who holds a senior position at work, not some naive idiot.

I thought the relationship board was supposed to be a supportive place. But some (not all) of you just want to call me an idiot who should just leave her husband immediately. Like life is ever that simple.

Also another correction: he paid for ALL of the wedding, and the honeymoon. Around £13k. Not 'a little.' And nor did I renovate the house at my own expense. I remortgaged, and he has since paid half of said mortgage.

And with that, I'm out of this thread.

I must admit op! I agree this thread went a little batshit!!
I mean, I can smell a LTB from a mile off and I don’t particularly think this is the case here!!
Anyway good luck with it all. I hope you can work things out with everyone in your family

It's good he pays half - but he has three children, you have one. Even though I appreciate they aren't with you as much.

If you stay together there is nothing stopping you leaving the house in trust for him to live in as long as he wants/lives and then it reverts to your DD. Unless of course it's a marital asset by then and he owns it equally. I can't tell if you ring fenced any assets when you got married?

What relationship does your DD have with her step-siblings?