Done with all of the arguments

[lockdownhell]

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posts, but I'm a long time poster.

Apologies if this is long but I don't know where to turn. Have been married for two years. Second marriage for both of us. I have one child (16) and he has two (13 & 19). His kids stay with us 3 nights a week.

I'm starting to feel like we were happier when we didn't live together. I never really wanted to get married and blend families etc, and I made no secret of that. I was financially secure in my own home. He had less money to spare than me for various reasons, and it made sense for us to be no longer paying two mortgages etc. So we got married. His idea. I extended my house to make room for his kids to stay. But if I'm honest we haven't really been properly happy ever since.

We argue all the time just lately. And then last night it all blew up as my daughter's dad & partner have just had a new baby. She was excited about having a brother. He said 'but you already have two brothers.' She said no they're my step brothers. He took huge offense at this and accused us both of treating him and his kids like nothing because they're not blood related.

I've never had a great relationship with his kids. The eldest ignored me for years because he thought I was the other woman and the reason for his parents splitting up. I wasn't, and this was clarified a year or so ago (he had kept this info to himself and just blanked me for years) but there has been no acknowledgement since that he was wrong. The kids mum mollycoddles them and I feel like I'm seen as a bit of an extension to her and just expected to cook, clean, wash etc etc. I feel taken for granted. They do nothing to help out.

I still love my husband deep down but the constant arguments are wearing me down. I feel like I'm not the wife he expected me to be. I've spent the morning trying to work out if I can afford to buy him out of the house if we split up. That's not good, is it. I don't want another divorce but I can't see things improving.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

How’s the washing arrangements been going and the generally helping out from the other children

OP, I will say it again - you need to see a competent solicitor.

I don't think what you plan can work. If you predecease him, then there are all sorts of ways he would, ultimately, be able to get round your plans.

Being married is just a really, really bad financial option for you and there isn't a way around it.

I sound so negative as I keep just coming back to the fact that he bounced you into marriage when you didn't want to. That's such a successful manipulation that it blows my mind. I can't get past it - this guy has his own skin and that of his kids coming first here. A man who would do that will disappear up his own backside to make sure your DD doesn't inherit once you're gone. He doesn't even think she should be able to have control of what she calls her own brother.

Do you really see yourself happy with him - really happy? You mention 'us retiring abroad' - really? When already you're seeing elements of unpleasant controlling behaviour and everything that everyone is screaming at you here?

This is the bottom line. Marriage is bad for you and your DD. And you don't want it.

If he loved you and was genuine and wanted you to be happy, you could tell him that. That actually, you feel marriage is wrong. You want to be financially independent. You want to divorce from the current arrangement and continue as you were before. You'll pay the costs, but sorry, marriage was never what you wanted and you were happier before and it's put a real strain on things.

You KNOW he will go ballistic because he worked his ass off to secure his position with this marriage, above anything else.

Everythign you've posted has indicated that he does not really have your best interests at heart.

Please

@Fizzy
Absolutely correct OP.

It reads as if you are going to stick with your bad decision which goes against your daughter's and your best interests, all for a man who bounced you into a marriage and housekeeping position.

Honestly, I don't know how these fly by nights become more important to women than their own children.

The solutions you have suggested are in HIS best interests, ahead of YOUR child.

Clearly you are also a bit nervous of him.

I'm being harsh but direct here, your legacy to your daughter will be that of a silly old woman if you sacrifice her inheritance because of this guy, who has always had his eye on the main prize...that is, a nice comfortable set up for him and his children.

Also, have you given any thought to the example you are to your daughter in all of this...moving a man in with a son who has treated you with such disdain?

If you thought of your child a bit more and this man a bit less, you would see that these decisions are truly awful.

I feel sorry for your daughter having 2 idiot insensitive men foisted on her.

This is a no-brainer. Get the necessary advice and just get rid of him. In future please don't ignore red flags such as men who view you as their financial asset, and aren't family-minded. There are ALWAYS signs but we sometimes ignore these and waste time betting on potential.

And god yes that's without even considering that his son has treated you like shit on his shoe ever since you knew him, you're now basically the cook and bottle washer and the whole thing has settled nicely into you being the household drudge.

OP, please, the best thing you can do for your DD to protect her interests both financially and emotionally, is to say to him:

'This really isn't working for me. I am not happy with our marriage arrangement - I like aspects of our partnership and I love you but overall, I was happier not being married, not being financially so deeply linked and over time, if we stay like this it's going to be the death knell for this relationship anyway.'

How has it been with the new ground rules?

They've only been here 24 hours. But they've done nothing to help. My husband runs round after them clearing plates etc. His wash basket is full of dirty clothes after me having emptied it just before they arrived. Where the fuck does it all come from? I'm on strike. Doing nothing for nobody but me. And I feel like my house has been invaded.

I've told him I feel like I've lost my financial independence. That I wish I could turn back the clock. That I never wanted to be a blended family. Things are not good at the minute but I don't know where to go from here.

Have you all had a sit down together. I mean the eldest is basically an adult, there needs to be a conversation about respect and sharing a home with people who are not your family. I know your dh wanted a lovely pie in the sky happy family style blend. But that’s not the reality.

Can you talk to him tonight and say we all need a sit down?
FYI the kids know that your dh is doing it to keep the peace, they’re not stupid.

Perhaps a general open and honest chat with everyone would help clear the air.

It's up to him to get them to help out, not me. They're not my kids.

FWIW they've been perfectly polite but it's not enough.

Well if this is his best effort it's likely to be a short marriage.

You can afford to buy him out so do it.

Would you consider lodgers to help out with the costs?

I’m not talking about helping out. I’m talking about a proper sit down where everyone e talks about how they feel. Life is never simple, and I know you’re fed up. But I really think all of this is nothing to do with cleaning from all of your perspectives!!

They, and you might all feel confused and angry about your feelings towards each other.

I think you'd need to talk to him first about your expectations of such a family meeting, though. What you don't want is you being left to tell them you expect more input to household tasks, while he sits there silently or makes excuses and it's left to you to be Mean Stepmum. You need to get him to agree a joint approach where together you tell the kids what the new house rules are.

I don’t think this family meeting should be about housework. Btw.
Otherwise it’s just a lecture about housework!
If you want a proper relationship with them, everyone simply needs to talk about emotions and feelings, good and bad.

I agree, a family meeting about housework turns into the Op being the evil step mum who nags and asks for “ help” and her Dh gets to be Disney Dad.

My guess is that this is how he has parented his sons for the last 20 years so a nice little chat isn’t going to change it.

Remember these kids have had a servant for two decades, they won’t give that up easily.

I think going on strike is a great plan, just as long as the Op keeps it Up.
It won’t work if it’s for 24 hours. Her Dh will just keep doing everything for a short time until she relents.

Or he will start on the guilt trip “ the boys don’t feel welcome here any more because of the way you are behaving “.

Or he will start trying to get 16yo D to do it, to “ help her mum “ as the only other XX person in the house.

She needs to stay on strike and let him parent his own kids. Either by being their slave or their manager . Either way it’s not the Ops problem.

I’ve been on the other side of this. I had zero respect as a teenager and young adult. I was angry. And I had no real idea why I was angry. But stepmother was the easiest scapegoat.
Anyway. I’m trying to help to build bridges, rather than living with constant animosity 🤷‍♀️

OP,
I find my last post very harsh to you ......but I'm reading your update and I just feel so sorry for you, and cross at you, both at the same time.

I don't know you but I really want to shake you! Wake up!

This is an utter shit show...and it is your daughter and yourself that are totally going to be the collateral damage.

Do you even understand what that means?

You have handed over everything to a man who has NEVER had your best interests at heart.

He may be "nice"....but...
His best interests are HIM and his children.

He targeted and bounced into marriage, a DIM woman, whose child and herself, were NOT her priority.

Please read and re read the above statements.

These are the facts.

Please try and find the strength to protect your daughter and yourself.

You are such a nice woman, I genuinely feel really sorry for you, but honestly, I feel so sorry for your daughter.

If you don't cop yourself on, you are going to be such a let down as a parent, just like my dear friends father's were........"silly, weak old fool's, that utterly betrayed their children, for brief 2nd marriages ".

You are better and stronger than this.

The best thing you can do with this situation is see a lawyer ASAP, make a will to secure things FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. See what’s what re divorce and take it from there, even if you don’t divorce him at least knowledge is power. And it really is high time to talk to your daughter, how does she feel with this blended family arrangement - especially as she is seeing you so disrespected by his children, these ungrateful, unwelcome and unpleasant invaders of YOUR home.

OK I guess I just thought I could have him write it into his will for when he is gone. He said he's happy to do whatever I choose to protect my assets from before he was married.
That sounds great but what he says and what he actually dies can be very different. Wills can easily be changed - in this case to the detriment of your daughter. And, as someone above mentioned, they can also be challenged. Better, surely, not to put your child through that?

Things are not good at the minute but I don't know where to go from here.
See a solicitor.

Ensure they have good knowledge in marital finances and inheritance and tax issues and able to put you closer to the position you were in before you married.

They're not my kids.
Exactly.

I'm guessing you feel under attack from all sides, as well as feeling frustrated and guilty at your own actions as well as your new husband's. But, I'm sorry, you do need to take some constructive actions now. Going on strike is one thing and I'm glad you're not allowing yourself to be a skivvy any more BUT it's about more than that.

Go and get a competent solicitor and get a better understanding of the true, legal, position you are in now and for the future - including any plans to retire abroad and what that means financially for you and your daughter, taking into account any differing financial laws of the country you/he are planning to retire to.

"actually dies " = actually DOES

He can write anything into his will, and change it all the minute you die. Your will needs to be drawn up ASAP with a solicitor to protect YOUR DAUGHTER. He can have a year in the house then it has to be sold so she can realise her share, and thereafter their relationship can be what it will be. But SHE and her best interests are what you should protect first. You really need to see a solicitor as soon as you can and discuss it all. Sorry to keep banging on, but from all you’ve said it’s what needs doing first. Good luck!

I'm a bit surprised at those of you who are essentially suggesting that I make my husband homeless a year after I die so that my daughter can get her inheritance. I fully appreciate that he could change his will after I die, but surely there has to be some trust? I know this man - you don't.

We had a long discussion last night where he said he's not interested in the money and he will do whatever I want in terms of the house. He said he asked me to marry him because he thought we would be happy and that it was nothing to do with creating a better lifestyle for him. He didn't realise that I felt pressure to say yes. In reality, I did feel pressure. From a financial perspective, in that we were both paying out on mortgages and bills, also let's not forget that I am better off financially month to month now as I don't have all of those costs solely on me. But also I felt pressure from family and friends who 'expected' us to get married as we had been together a long time. I just don't think I fully appreciated the impact of moving him and his kids in. I didn't realise I would miss my own space quite as much as I do.

Anyway I'm rambling now but this thread has made me take a long hard look at how we run the household and I will be making changes. We will also both be making wills. I will protect my daughter. And as I said before I'm giving myself til the end of the year to decide whether I'm happy in this marriage. Strangely, the petty arguments have stopped since we've started communicating properly. But you probably all think that this is just him 'on his best behaviour.' I prefer to think that this has been a wake-up call to him now that he knows exactly how I'm feeling.

Thanks again for all of your advice. I've bared my soul a bit in this post but I don't want anyone thinking I'm a pushover or naive, because I'm not.

I think that's a good plan OP.
Communication is now key.
Do not allow things to revert back to how they were.
This could well be the wake up call he needed.
He probably didn't know how you felt and you were just plodding on feeling resentful.
Now he knows, he can take action.
If he doesn't long term, then you have your answer and you can take it from there.
Well done on getting it all out there and good luck.

Thankyou. I'm honestly feeling a bit despairing of all of the 'LTB' responses so it's reassuring to hear that @hellsbellsmelons

'The spare bed needs changing for his eldest to sleep in but I'm not doing it and I'm not going to remind him. I even found myself asking him last night what the youngest is doing in terms of school work at home and he hadn't even thought to ask his ex. I'm sick of doing his thinking for him. We both have busy jobs but he uses the excuse of being caught up with work for not adequately managing his kids.'

I thought this as soon as you said he wanted you to be more of a mother to his kids: he wants to be less of a father to his kids. You are expected to do his job for him.

Strangely, the petty arguments have stopped since we've started communicating properly. But you probably all think that this is just him 'on his best behaviour.' I prefer to think that this has been a wake-up call to him now that he knows exactly how I'm feeling.

OP, all I'll say is bookmark this thread and come back to it in a month, two months. Keep thinking and watching his behaviour.

But don't talk to him about it again. Don't talk about money. Don't talk about his kids.

Supposedly, he's been talked to, been brought fully up to speed on how you feel and what you want/need to change.

Sit back now.

Watch and see.

And then you will soon know whether he is genuine or whether in a month's time it's a case of 'oh good, she's piped down again' and you're back to square one re flashes of him trying to control, petty arguments, his kids being deified.

Actually I think we all know the answer really, and so do you. He's talked all the pretty words but as soon as action time comes (ie his kids being told to have respect and pull weivght... well, what's happened?!)

He won't say boo to his kids, think they deserve to be on a pedestal but thinks he has the right to wade in to YOUR daughter's personal relationships and throw his weight about. But won't even tell his kids to have basic manners. Okaaaay. But you're all about how you need to at least have some 'trust' that he'll do the right thing by your DD versus his sons when it'll be a case of life-changing inheritances.

Okay!!!