Done with all of the arguments

[lockdownhell]

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posts, but I'm a long time poster.

Apologies if this is long but I don't know where to turn. Have been married for two years. Second marriage for both of us. I have one child (16) and he has two (13 & 19). His kids stay with us 3 nights a week.

I'm starting to feel like we were happier when we didn't live together. I never really wanted to get married and blend families etc, and I made no secret of that. I was financially secure in my own home. He had less money to spare than me for various reasons, and it made sense for us to be no longer paying two mortgages etc. So we got married. His idea. I extended my house to make room for his kids to stay. But if I'm honest we haven't really been properly happy ever since.

We argue all the time just lately. And then last night it all blew up as my daughter's dad & partner have just had a new baby. She was excited about having a brother. He said 'but you already have two brothers.' She said no they're my step brothers. He took huge offense at this and accused us both of treating him and his kids like nothing because they're not blood related.

I've never had a great relationship with his kids. The eldest ignored me for years because he thought I was the other woman and the reason for his parents splitting up. I wasn't, and this was clarified a year or so ago (he had kept this info to himself and just blanked me for years) but there has been no acknowledgement since that he was wrong. The kids mum mollycoddles them and I feel like I'm seen as a bit of an extension to her and just expected to cook, clean, wash etc etc. I feel taken for granted. They do nothing to help out.

I still love my husband deep down but the constant arguments are wearing me down. I feel like I'm not the wife he expected me to be. I've spent the morning trying to work out if I can afford to buy him out of the house if we split up. That's not good, is it. I don't want another divorce but I can't see things improving.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

* AFAIK the assets you have both acquired during your marriage would be shared. So that’s the capital gain on the house, his savings, pension etc. *

I am out the other side of a divorce. I suspect you have not been through a divorce. It is simply not as straightforward as this. Length of marriage is a key factor for a start.

@Juliet2014 what part does length of marriage play? It was different when I got divorced 10 years ago as we had a child together so I don't know what the legalities of my situation would be.

Christ, you gave up you and your kids financial and emotional security for the sake of your sex life. No wonder he was keen to marry a homeowner. Can you get advice from a solicitor?

That's a bit of a simplistic view that it was all about sex. For a long time we talked about living together when the kids had all moved out. But then he surprised me and proposed. I was shocked and almost said no. He had a house of his own - it's not like he asked as he had nowhere to go. I'm not defending him, I'm just trying to present a more rounded view.

So you get short medium or long

I think under 5 is short 5-9 medium
Over 10 long

However they do take in to account length of relationship beforehand if living together

Under 5 (or maybe under 3 i can’t remember) I think you pretty much expect to cut your losses

Thanks. We didn't live together before we got married.

I feel like you should cut your losses. It's all about what he wants and you're just expected to run after him and his kids who don't even respect you. You extended your house for him and got married for his benefit. You seem like a loving person who wants to see the best in people, but sometimes people don't have any good in them. I fear he might try to take your money and house from you so you should seek legal advice for that. Get rid and then you can live in peace just you and your daughter. Hope everything goes well for you.

www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/length-marriage-divorce/

Ah then there will be very limited sharing of assets

Thank you for the info. I think he's quite worried. Said he's going to make an extra effort as he doesn't want to lose me. We'll see how things go when his kids are back next week. But I'm dreading it. It's good to be armed with the knowledge.

Honestly I would see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row. He may well put on the perfect act for a while but it's clear you have been very unhappy for a long time!

The sad thing is we were really really happy before him and the kids moved in. I just wish I could turn the clock back.

Ask him to move back out?

I feel like it's all or nothing now. Like, who stays married but then lives apart?

There are others out there!!!! Not common but if it's that or divorce?

I think he's quite worried too. He can see his cushy, catered life in your lovely big house slipping away.

See a solicitor ASAP for advice.

I would point out that, god forbid, if you get run over by a bus tomorrow he will get your house and your kids will not get the full inheritance they are due. They may get nothing. I don’t know how the law works so you need advice to find out what to do to protect your assets for the kids.

He may remarry and kick them out on the street or anything if they are technically adults there’s nothing to stop him.

You must seek legal advice ASAP

PLEASE see a solicitor asap.

It's a short marriage right now.

Oh yes he's worried. He knows damn well how much he's landed on his feet. What you saw a glimpse of is how he'll be once this is no longer 'a short marriage' and he has more of a claim to it all. God knows he's got it good enough now, you even play maid for him and his kids (who can't even respect you).

I cannot believe you don't have a will - right now, if you died he'd get it all. Fuck knows how your DD would fare.

Leaving things three ways equally?! Right. I don't think so.

Honestly, this is terrifying I know but my absolute advice would be, unhesitatingly, to file for divorce. This is as good as it will get as he is on his best behaviour and it's even slipping already.

He will cry and plead and beg but if you don't steel yourself and reclaim your assets and independence now, in ten years' time you will BITTERLY regret it.

You didn't even really want to marry him. So, I'm just guessing that he is pretty damn good at being slightly manipulative anyway. He really did see you coming.

You aren't happy now so what do you honestly think you'll feel like in a decade? Get out PLEASE.

Well, it was not for the children’s benefit that he moved in, it was for yours, and he doesn’t sound like a pleasant person, so I assume the one redeeming feature of this relationship must have been the sex. Apologies if the kids were all begging you both to move in together and their lives are all vastly better as a result, and the constant arguing the man does with you doesn’t impact them at all.

You can have sex with someone without living with them

Of course he's worried.
He's privately cursing himself for letting the mask slip for you and your poor daughter to get a real look at him.

It honestly beggars belief you don't have a will.

OP, you are utterly beyond naive.

He caught you by surprise by proposing.....I'll bet he bloody did🙄....he saw the comfort and gauged that you would be up for the skivvying too...and he was right.
He will probably have a word with the kids alright and get them on board...

He had nothing to lose selling his house, taking the tiny equity and pocketing most of it.

OP, Im being deliberately brutal to try and spell out for you how fxxked up this is.

You have potentially handed him your children's inheritance which is completely selfish and unforgivable.

You need to be brave, admit the mistake to yourself, get to a lawyer, get a will done asap and look at divorcing him.

You do NOT have to be married to have a relationship with him...mind you he won't take his plans being mucked with happily....

You are regretting things now...do NOT be weak and bitterly regret not fixing this now.

It can be fixed.

I appreciate your honesty. We have agreed tonight to make wills and ringfence what I brought into the marriage for my daughter. He didn't argue it at all. I just wonder whether he thought his pension would compensate for my extra equity. But I've set him straight. We will see how things go. I'm not keen to throw away a second marriage so soon. But at least I will be protected financially.

Thanks for all of your advice.

There’s a lot going on here and I think you need to be really really careful. If you let the marriage carry on then you lose more the longer the marriage. You absolutely can get him to move out, be independent of you and carry on seeing each other. Why not? That then solves the issue of you needing to “mother” his kids and all those expectations. That alone would be the reason I split up with him. There’s no way I would have done all of that and I wouldn’t be putting up with all of the attitude. All the kids (especially the oldest) should be doing daily chores. The oldest should be contributing to shopping/cooking and cleaning. He should be doing his own washing. My 6 year old does more than he does! If you want to stay married then you do the following

1. draw up a housework rota with daily jobs listed for everybody. Stick to it religiously. Your house, your rules. There’s is no emotional blackmail allowed or tolerated. Fair division of labour doesn’t mean you don’t “love” anybody the same etc. You shut that shit down hard.
2. you contact a solicitor to draw up wills that stipulates what happens to the children if you die. What happens to the money. What happens if you divorce. Find out your rights.

To be honest, the way he spoke to your daughter and trod over her happiness over the baby then I’d be rethinking the current set-up. I’d make him move into his own property and keep his and my kids mostly separate. You can then rethink living together when all the kids are grown and parenting duties are over.

As an aside Marlow Wills (advertises here) is wonderful. She will also be able to tell you if any will made could be challenged...