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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship - no sex!

162 replies

MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 09:06

I’ve been seeing someone for 5 weeks. We slept together on the first date, having both been a bit sexually deprived through lockdown! And then I think we had sex another 3 times over the next couple of weeks.

I really like him, a lot. He’s gorgeous, and we get on really well. He seems thoughtful and sensitive.

It’s usually me that goes to see him (he lives just over an hour away) as he’s working really long hours and is always knackered, so it just makes sense that I am the one to do the driving. I’m ok with that.

However, for the last 3 weeks, we’ve seen each other about 10 times, and had sex one of those times. I don’t really know why we’ve gone from having sex every time we see each other to not at all.

I have resisted saying anything as I didn’t want him to feel like he had to do it, I wanted to feel wanted and I don’t. But last night, we went to bed and a couple of minutes later he was snoring away, and I felt really upset, got up drove home (he was asleep no had no idea).

I get he’s tired from work and I don’t expect us to have sex every time we see each other but surely at this point the sex should be great!

I figured either he’s not that into sex, or not that into me :( although we otherwise have a lovely time together and he seems to really look forward to seeing me.

Is this doomed?

OP posts:
LionelMessy · 13/06/2020 09:58

He's tired. Possibly no more to it.
If he wasn't into you, then he d use work as an excuse for you not to visit last night. But he didn't.

You could text him now and say you left early as you saw he needed to catch up on sleep.

Otherwise he gonna wonder why you don't realise he's tired as he working so long.

Don't fall out over this. He wont be tired for ever, so just hang on in there.

Swimmingwiththebees · 13/06/2020 10:02

You're seeing each other 10 times over 3 weeks, and he's working really long hours?

He's obviously exhausted. If you want better quality time with him and sex everytime you see him perhaps cut down the times you see him and choose to do it when he's had a less busy day!

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 12:18

I messaged him and told him how I felt (nicely, I wasn’t having a go). He replied saying that he is into me and he’s happy with how things are progressing but if I’m not happy then something obviously isn’t right. I replied saying I love hanging out with him and cuddling him but I’m confused about how we did have sex when we first met (every time we saw each other) but now it doesn’t happen at all. He hasn’t replied yet.

That’s the thing, if we’d been together for this amount of time and not had sex yet that would be less weird, but we had really good sex for a couple of weeks and then it just stopped. He wasn’t any less tired during those first couple of weeks, he always works crazy long hours. And at the moment I have a 2.5 hour round trip to stroke him until he falls asleep.

OP posts:
Crystalspider · 13/06/2020 12:30

If your not sexually compatible from the start which is meant to be the best then you will probably get too bored later on, also I wouldn't want to be running around making all the effort going to him just to sleep.

Spanielmadness · 13/06/2020 12:34

I’d give it up. No\little sex at this stage is rubbish and will dwindle further over time.

DiscoInFurlough · 13/06/2020 12:38

I've been in a similar situation in the past.

There are a few things to think about, like the other PPs have said, he is just tired. You need to really listen and hear that. It feels like right now you're dismissing it.

Secondly, it sounds like he was just sexually excited at the start and putting in extra effort that probably made his tiredness at a level that wasnt sustainable longer term. Tiredness, again, he is tired.

Thirdly, stop running to him so often. Wait until he has a day off the next day so he can go to sleep and you can wake up in the morning and have sex. Most men with tiring jobs prefer morning sex. But having to rush off to work kills that mood.

If youre not off work at the same time, to allow for this, perhaps its not the right relationship for you.
Stop equating sex to love too. He has said he really likes you, take him at his word, and try and adapt. If you dont want to or cant, move on.

PumpkinP · 13/06/2020 12:39

I'm not buying him being tired. At the start is when you normally have the most sex. Imagine what it will be like month/years down the line

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/06/2020 12:44

If he was tired how come he was able to have sex in the beginning?

How old is he and what job does he do? To be honest, a job that takes everything out of you to the point that you can't even maintain intimacy with your partner is a pretty crap job don't you think?

You're the priority here. If a man has kids then obviously they come first. But you're next - not the job/golf/pub/extended family - you!

Crystal87 · 13/06/2020 12:45

I agree with Pumpkin. My thinking is that he's probably got a low sex drive overall and it's not personal to you. Some people would be alright with that, but many wouldn't. You obviously want more sex than what he's able to give you. I would walk away from this one before more feelings develop and things get complicated.

NoMoreDickheads · 13/06/2020 12:57

Are you in the UK? Lockdown doesn't allow shagging with someone you don't live with, as we're legally required to stay 2m apart from people not in our household.

Maybe he realized what you were both doing is illegal and not safe for society as a whole.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 13:08

I don’t think I am dismissing that he’s tired, I made it clear early on that I was happy to be the one to drive to him as his life is a lot busier and more stressful than mine. And I’ll cook him dinner, cuddle him and massage him etc because I know he’s tired and stressed. But something in return would be good, and I don’t feel like I’m getting anything. I generally have a rule that I’ll only put in as much effort as I get back, and I had to make a conscious decision to break that rule with him as it was apparent very early on that if we were going to see each other I would have to do all the running at the moment. Which I was happy to do, as he’s great and I can see it’s circumstantial. But it has left me feeling a bit vulnerable as I’m not getting the usual reassurance that he is making as much effort as me (because that’s not possible). And now that the sex has dried up I’m really confused and feeling even more vulnerable and rejected.

OP posts:
Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 13:09

He’s 43 and runs a building company so it’s long days and very physical work.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 13/06/2020 13:09

So you had sex 4 times in the first fortnight, but only once in the 3 weeks since?

Oh fuck that for a lark.

He's not that into sex and it's great that you found out so soon. You two are totally incompatible.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/06/2020 13:10

He says that he is happy with the way things are progressing. You need to ask if you are. Is the less frequent sex something that you can live with, if you are reassured in other ways that he loves you?

To me, it seems that you have different sex drives, and that is often a problem in relationships.

ElspethFlashman · 13/06/2020 13:11

You're travelling an hour several times a week to watch a brand new boyfriend snore. Good grief.

Igtg · 13/06/2020 13:16

I think beginning a relationship during lockdown is a bad idea plus with you making all the effort (driving to him and massages wtf?) he hasn’t got to do a great deal has he? I can’t see what you’re getting out of it personally.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 13:19

@elspethflashman yes in a nutshell that is exactly what is happening. No wonder he is happy, all he has to do is open the door and then get generally pampered until he falls asleep.

I really fucking like him though, and I’m really sad at the thought of not seeing him again. I don’t think I’m particularly high maintenance but I am quite partial to a shag.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 13/06/2020 13:20

I've dated hospital doctors in the days when working one in three nights as well as long day shifts was the norm. They were never too tired for sex until at least 6 months in!

this is a sexual mismatch, as well as being very one-sided. Where's his effort? Apart from simply keeping his eyes open for a short time?

If he's like this at 5 weeks, imagine what he'd be like when you were married - and yes, I bet he loves this arrangement!

AgeLikeWine · 13/06/2020 13:20

I very much doubt that this is a reflection on you in any way, OP. It does sound like the poor bloke is absolutely knackered. Is that likely to change? Is he able to create more time for you? Does he know how you feel? You both need to talk this through. If he genuinely hasn’t got the time and energy for a relationship, then it obviously hasn’t got a future.

Michaelbaubles · 13/06/2020 13:24

You’re making yourself WAY too available. Running over to his every time? He’s never had to make any effort to impress you or “date” you? I’d start pulling away - it’s not game playing, it’s just stopping throwing yourself at him. Give him something he needs to chase a bit, to work for. Then you’ll be able to gauge better how interested he really is. Next time he wants you to meet, you’ve got to go to a socially distanced bbq, or a Zoom quiz. See what response that gets.

dontgobaconmyheart · 13/06/2020 13:27

If you're in the UK OP I despair and wonder at this point if anyone actually adhered to lockdown or cares at all about others bloody dying.

If not, who can say. There is no denying that he would be having it if he really wanted it. Perhaps the novelty wore off quickly for him as it often does. Maybe he has a lower sex drive than you do and it's an incompatibility issue rather than anything to do with how much he fancies you. It's not like you can know each other well 5 weeks into a casual relationship with not many hours clocked up- sometimes it works out sometimes it doesn't.

I think you were right to discuss it if it's causing you an issue like it is but unless he's since replied with a bit more reassurance that it's about his fatigue or another specific problem I'd just cool it a bit and see what happens. Talking about how much sex is being had is never going to get anyone in the mood. YABU to have just left because you didnt get sex of a night though- very dramatic and if a man did that to me I'd be very hurt/feel it was clear he was in it for a good time not a long time.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 13:28

He did offer to come to mine last night, for the first time since we first met, but I knew he was only doing it because he felt he should, when again the logical thing was for me to go there. I was also hoping that if he saved energy on driving I might get lucky, what with it being the weekend. I was wrong.

We did have a bit of chat about how things could change last night, not really in relation to sex but just generally how he could make more time for me. He wants the young lads he employs to become more independent and not need so much hand holding from him, so he can get to the point where he can knock off early some days and know they won’t fuck things up. But that’s going to be a long process.

OP posts:
Crystalspider · 13/06/2020 13:28

Sounds like a relationship of 15 years in not the beginning of what should be an exciting relationship, is it even that after just 5 weeks?
He should be making a lot more effort than he is and that's because you are doing everything for him and he doesn't feel the need.

He decided he wanted a woman in his life knowing he has to work long hours so don't be too forgiving. I would take a step back if I were you, let him come to you, a relationship needs balance to be healthy.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 13:30

Maybe I was BU to have left like I did, but I was feeling upset, he was sprawled over the middle of the bed, I was wide awake and knew I wouldn’t sleep for a while as I was feeling pissed off, so it seemed to make more sense to drive home than lie there stewing.

OP posts:
Michaelbaubles · 13/06/2020 13:32

Funny how the “logical thing” is always the thing that involves most work for you. I don’t know about anyone else but in the early days of relationships I (and the men too) did many a highly illogical thing just out of excitement and attraction! Surely that’s the best bit - running high on lack of sleep and a surfeit of lust! It sounds like a business transaction only with no “business”.