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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship - no sex!

162 replies

MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 09:06

I’ve been seeing someone for 5 weeks. We slept together on the first date, having both been a bit sexually deprived through lockdown! And then I think we had sex another 3 times over the next couple of weeks.

I really like him, a lot. He’s gorgeous, and we get on really well. He seems thoughtful and sensitive.

It’s usually me that goes to see him (he lives just over an hour away) as he’s working really long hours and is always knackered, so it just makes sense that I am the one to do the driving. I’m ok with that.

However, for the last 3 weeks, we’ve seen each other about 10 times, and had sex one of those times. I don’t really know why we’ve gone from having sex every time we see each other to not at all.

I have resisted saying anything as I didn’t want him to feel like he had to do it, I wanted to feel wanted and I don’t. But last night, we went to bed and a couple of minutes later he was snoring away, and I felt really upset, got up drove home (he was asleep no had no idea).

I get he’s tired from work and I don’t expect us to have sex every time we see each other but surely at this point the sex should be great!

I figured either he’s not that into sex, or not that into me :( although we otherwise have a lovely time together and he seems to really look forward to seeing me.

Is this doomed?

OP posts:
Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 13:32

Thing is I can step back all I want, but he’s not going to magically get more hours in the day, or more energy. He also has two teenagers 100% of the time (he is a widower), and they are both pretty high maintenance.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 13/06/2020 13:33

I’ve never been in a relationship with a man ‘too tired’ for sex.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 13:34

He hasn’t actually given a reason of being too tired, that’s me assuming. There may be something else going on in his head but he hasn’t replied to my last message saying I’m confused about why we did have sex but now we don’t.

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 13/06/2020 13:35

TheStoic neither have I. I suspect low sex drive rather than too tired.

UrgentDoughnut · 13/06/2020 13:37

5 weeks in and you're having these conversations? Come on now!

2bazookas · 13/06/2020 13:39

Pick up your doormat and walk?

Nearlyalmost50 · 13/06/2020 13:44

Oh Op, you are putting in more than him, and you know it. If you didn't drive over to his, and massage him, and stroke his hair etc, you'd probably have not seen him more than once in 3 weeks. And- it is what it is, he's happy to have sex every three weeks, maybe less! That's not a failure on his part, he may well find someone similar to himself, but that's not you and it wouldn't be me either.

WhotheWhat · 13/06/2020 13:44

Did i miss the bit where you said which country you are in?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 13/06/2020 13:44

So where are the teens when you’re there trying to shag their father? Sounds like he’s worried about them hearing!

category12 · 13/06/2020 13:51

Crikey, I wouldn't be pursuing this. I'm surprised at the amount of people saying you should keep trying.

He doesn't have the time, bandwidth or energy for a girlfriend, what he wants is a wife of twenty years.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/06/2020 13:52

So the kids were there when he brought you back for sex the first time he met you??

How old are they? Perhaps they've passed comments about being able to hwar things.

Perhaps with a full time job and two kids he's just too overwhelmed to actually have a relationship as opposed to just some casual sex?

1forAll74 · 13/06/2020 13:59

I think you should back off a bit, and see how things pan out. You have only known this man a short time. You may well put him off a bit if you only have this thing about more sex in your head all the time.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 14:04

The first time we had sex was at my house. Since then I’ve been to him every time we’ve seen each other. His teenagers are out and about quite a lot and also his bedroom is on a different floor to theirs, so there’s not much chance of them hearing.

OP posts:
dicksplash · 13/06/2020 14:06

It sounds very much to me that he has a very low sex drive. I'm married to someone like that. We had a really good year of sex before it started to dwindle but by that point I was hooked (engaged, buying a house) and his excuse about why it was temporary were legitimate so I assumed things would get better but they got worse. I love him and I live our life together but I miss great sex and I miss regular sex.

If sex is important to you don't fall into the trap of falling for someone with a much lower sex drive.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 14:12

Yes it probably is that simple, @dicksplash :(

I feel like either way it’s fucked now as I’ve been honest about why I’m feeling upset, so either he initiates sex if we see each other again, which will make me feel like he’s only doing it because he feels he has to, or it’s the same as normal, which will leave me feeling shit again. Can’t really win now.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 13/06/2020 14:28

He has a low sex drive, give this time and you'll be celbate. Your self esteem will be annihilated and he'll be happy as a clam that he tricked a woman long enough that she got feelings and stayed to cook, clean, listen and otherwise woman work for him.

QuentinQuarantino · 13/06/2020 14:30

I would end the relationship.

Sex is important. Sexual compatibility is crucial. At this early stage of a relationship, you should be jumping the bones of each other at every given opportunity.

He might just want a quiet life and a boring matey relationship but you clearly don't. Don't settle.

The things you choose to ignore at the beginning will be the reasons you split in the end.

dottiedodah · 13/06/2020 14:33

If you like him and you have a good time together it seems a shame to call it off .Lockdown is very stressful for everyone ,and he may be worried about keeping on top of his business ,and providing for his children as well .Im not making excuses for him ,just trying to see what the problem may be .On the occasions you have had Sex is it good ? do you feel loved and desired ?.Thats the key here really.Maybe give him another chance and see what happens .If nothing changes maybe look elsewhere .Hopefully you can have a chat ,and address any worries he may have .How long has he been a widower for ?maybe he feels guilty about having a new R/L, and has worries about having sex again.Feeling "unfaithful" to his late wife .Time and patience may be of the essence here

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 14:38

He’s been a widower for a long time and has had quite a few relationships since then.

He’s just replied, saying he gets where I’m coming from but for him it’s circumstantial more than anything else.

Don’t really know what to say back to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 14:39

And yes when we have had sex it has been amazing!

OP posts:
QuentinQuarantino · 13/06/2020 14:43

"He’s just replied, saying he gets where I’m coming from but for him it’s circumstantial more than anything else."

Yeah, the circumstance being that he doesn't want to have sex with you 😞.

Is that literally all he said by way of explanation?

Get rid OP. There are other men out there who won't cause you to be in this state of confusion, doubt and sadness so early on in the dating game.

Original poster
MayDayHelp · 13/06/2020 14:46

Yes it took him nearly 4 hours to come up with that. And that was it.

OP posts:
GingerFigs · 13/06/2020 14:49

I'm not buying the tired thing. If he's into you it wouldn't matter how tired he was!! Unless....he has a low sex drive or one of the other reasons PPs have mentioned. It sounds like you are not matched sexually. You're finding this out early. Walk away.

QuentinQuarantino · 13/06/2020 14:51

Walk away. You deserve so much better than this May.

Better to have found out now than later, after you've invested even more of yourself into a 'dead bedroom' relationship.

dottiedodah · 13/06/2020 14:53

If the sex has been amazing and you really like him,then its up to you really .The only way to get to the bottom of it is to talk about it properly .You can walk away at any time thats your choice .You said you had amazing sex together ,but it has tailed off and you seem to be doing all the leg work as well.Maybe explain this to him in person, and see what he says .